Just curious about how long after d-day it took for any FWS's who moved out to come home.

Also, what was the most compelling reason for the return? For example, was it the way the BS treated you, lack of contact with the BS, or just the beginning of the defogging process.

Any input from recovered a BS or FWS is welcome.

Thank you for taking the time to answer.

Sara

My husband and I separated after I discovered continued contact. We were apart for approx 20 months. He came back home after his affair fell apart. His return has given our family back the financial security his affair took away and my girls have an intact family again.

We are a work in progress ....

TT

Thank you TT for answering.

It helps me to see that my 3 month saga isn't really that long after all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Did your WH file for divorce while he was gone or did he just leave?

I probably won't be much help to you on this question. My FWH never left, despite constant pressure from OW to do so. He never wanted to, but I also know that he was pretty certain that if he did leave, I would never let him come back.

Given your situation, at the very least, I would take legal measures to protect yourself and children until he comes to his senses.

I trust that you have exposed etc. already.

Sorry this probably isn't very helpful.

Who

It took 1 year for my WS to return. After the year anniversary date I told him that it was time for me to move on and that I felt like if he wanted to come home he would have by now. I think that is what helped him get off the fence and come back home.

I am the BW
He is the WH
Married April 05, together since 1993

Seperated: May 06
D-Day: July 06
Moved home: June 07

Thanks Who for your input <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My WH is planning on filing for divorce on the 23rd of this month. So all legalities will be taken care of by November.
So far he has not shirked his financial responsibility in regard to bills. I also have $75 a week for food, gas, and other expenses which is ok, but not great. I can make it work until November though when I will get spousal support and CS established. So I'm not too worried.

My WH already has his new condo and is in constant contact with OW#1 (who he is involved in a PA with) and OW #2 who he has a longtime crush on.

My exposure was very broad and completed by mid July. Nothing has had any affect on his decisions so far.

My DD is scheduled to be born via c-section on the 10th of this month and I have been in a dark plan B for the last 7 days (no visual, e-mail, or phone contact, just the use of TMs and a public on-line calendar to arrange visitation with DS).

I do not plan to be present for any of his visitations with DD and have required he take DS elsewhere for his time with him.

My feeling is that nothing I have done or will do can change this situation. I'm pretty sure that my WH is one of those types who when he makes up his mind to do something, there is no turning back.

But I have retained a very tiny hope that perhaps God can change him. We shall see.

My question was mainly to see if there was a certain time period for the typical WS to be gone before they began to rethink what they've done.

My H and I have been separated for 1 1/2 months now. In the process I have asked for D while he is fighting for full custody of our 10 month old child. It hurts because he says he loves me and wants his family back, however, he says we both caused too much pain to each other. Don't know how much of that is true---but hopefully he comes to senses and gets unfogged before the D is final. Maybe that is what he really wants, don't know for a fact. Good luck to you, I know its hard when the WH are out of the home, but sometimes its probably for the best.

Thanks Ani for your reply. Again, it helps to know that I shouldn't necessarily expect an immediate return after 3 months.

My concern is that with my WH being gone and then living alone, he will grow accustomed to his situation and not want to come home. He does like to be alone a lot and only likes to interact with people on HIS terms....so moving into his own place might suit him very nicely.

For me it has been 4 1/2 months since he left. I didn't want him to. Since then, I have moved into an apt because we couldn't have kept up the finances. He moved into a house with OW and seems committed to that relationship.

He continues to do things that are completely hurtful and distrespectful and yet since he left he has turned his entire paycheck over to me for the bills. That ends in 2 Fridays where half his paycheck will be deposited into our account and then he write a check for the other half for him.

He is so far out there in blaming me that it actually gives me hope, that one day he will regret his decision and want to work on our M and come home. Not very comforting, but I really believe this is what G-d had planned for us and I need to heal myself and learn a new way to live in order for us to come together.

I love this man with all my heart and he completes me. How it hurts that he can move on so easily and just live a new life, but I am taking this opportunity to become the woman G-d wants me to be and leave the outcome to G-d. He knows what is best, though I want to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Skinsgal

Gosh...he's fighting you for full custody??? He should just flush his money down the toilet right now, there's no way he can take a child that young from his mother, especially if he is in an adulterous affair. But I guess the fogginess abounds, huh?

I was devastated that my WH moved out as we have been together so long. I was VERY lonely and cried all the time. He didn't seem to give me a second thought though which hurt quite a bit.

Now it is easier and I have grown accustomed to having the house to myself and my DS. I am still lonely, but I don't miss *him* that much at all.

He will need to change quite a bit before I feel that he would be worth having home. I was just hoping to get some insight on how long a typical WS might live alone before they begin to feel lonely too.

SG,

Your WH living with the OW is the quickest way for reality to sink in...I almost envy you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

For most WH, being that close to the OW allows them to see her "warts" up close and on a daily basis. The fantasy relationship meets up with the real relationship and kills the fantasy pretty quick. So this could be very good in helping them break up.

I'm glad that you are relying on God to help you through this. Without Him, I would be lost myself.

Hi Saralynn77---
I think the same way as you do. My WH is probably enjoying every time that he has by himself, there is no one telling him what time to get home or ask his whereabouts. I also feel afraid, what if he gets used to that life and won't want his family back? I hope that right now when he doesn't have a family, he will spend as much as time he wants with the OW and start seeing the real "HER". Do you have any contact with him? How are you handling this and being pregnant at the same time? this is the time when you need your H the most, and where is he, no where to be seen. Be strong and pray, pray, pray. Just remember that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sara,

He has been living with OW since May 18. He lived in a one bedroom apt with her and the person she took care of. She is on state disability (he told me for a liver condition - turns out the condition is Hep C). My H complained of the craziness in our house, however there was unbelievable amounts of chaos with his new situation and the old guy has since died.

They were homeless for a few days and have moved into a 2 bedroom one bath house that has so much mold, the ceilings are bowing. They live in a town about 10 miles from us that is called Deliverance by the locals. OW is also a crack addict and the town they moved into is known for their drugs. Lucky them.

I know my H better than anyone, I know he believes that she will make him happy and that this geographical move will make all the difference in their R. He thinks that the problems they were experiencing (which were many) were because of where they lived and now that she is isolated and alone, they will be happy. I can only hope he is wrong and her true colors once again start to show. But who knows.

My friend met her, says she is ugly, overweight, no personality and basically white trailer trash. And yet he wants more than me. I really believe G-d is on my side, yet he is so far down that I need everyone prayers for his recovery back to real life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Skinsgal

I've cut off all contact with my WH except for an on-line calendar and an occasional TM. I have not even been the one to answer the door when he comes over to our home to drop off/pick up our DS. About half the time, he has to come to my parent's home for the exchange. So I don't see or talk him at all at this point.

I have basically gone with the idea that he will need to have all his EN met by the OW now (even though he has 2 of them..the one he sees and has a PA with and the one he fantasizes about and talks to on the phone since she lives in another state).

What's funny is that he's already told me that he only wants to be with OW#1 70% of the time because she probably irritates him a little bit AND mainly because she has a daughter that is about 14months old. He doesn't like other people's children at all so this is a real turn off for him.

If OW#2 gave him a shot, he would probably dump OW#1 and go for her, but for now he has both of them to keep him company.

I really don't want to be in a love "square" (a triangle would be bad enough, but a square I just can't do LOL), so I've given him his wish and let him go.

He has been weird since I cut off all contact. He keeps e-mailing me that he's "worried" about me and wants to know how I'm doing. That really makes me mad since up until this time, it seemed as if he didn't give a rat's behind if I was dying either physically or emotionally.

He also tried to send me an e-mail about signing over my car to him so he could trade it in for a safer one...I was like, yeah, I'm dumb. Here, let me sign my car over to you so YOU can get a safer car to transport our DS the two days you have him EVERY OTHER WEEK! What a joke. I didn't write him back.

In fact, I haven't responded to any of his personal inquiries at all. This has really ticked him off. This morning I got another e-mail asking if I was going to talk to him before my DD was born. When I didn't reply, he sent me a nasty gram stating that I should disregard his e-mail and just let him know through the calendar. I about laughed over that since that is what I've been trying to get him to do this whole time.

I think he's mad because he's not the one who is ignoring me now and he can't make me talk to him.

I'm not doing this to get back at him, I really just don't have anything to say to him anymore. I tried for 3 months now to be nice and establish communication with him. He chose to ignore that olive branch, so I'm done trying at this point to.

It's sad, but I think he will get bitter toward me over not talking to him and will hate me even more even though I've done nothing to deserve it. I just can't bring myself to continue trying to communicate with a brick wall. It's too frustrating.

SG,

It's so strange that a man would choose to be with a woman like that. Sometimes I wonder if they don't have a "hero" complex and feel the need to rescue some poor wretch who made terrible choices in life.

Some women do this too and end up with really crazy guys.

You do have God on your side, so no matter what He will take care of you.

I think that your WH's current living situation would wear anyone down after a while. If he thought your home was chaotic, then he will feel the same way about his when the "romance" with the OW wears off.

Of course, WH's make several excuses for why they left. My WH told people everything from him "not loving me for a year" (which btw was news to me), to saying that "he did things for me when he didn't want to"... Yeah, I guess being in a relationship where you give your time and love to another person is "making you do things". They are the worst excuses I've heard so far.

So try not to take too much of what your WH says to heart. You were in the relationship too, so you know if he is distorting your situation or if he had valid complaints.

If his complaints were valid, then you can change those, but if not just ignore it.

I will pray for you, me, and Cali's situation. You are right when you say we need all the prayer we can get <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Unfortunately for me, I'm the one who has to do the exchange of our 10month old son. He seems so concerned about his well being and is willing to do anything to get full custody with limited visitation for me. Unfortunately for him, the courts will not grant that to people who have several DUI's and are currently on probation. If he were too concerned over our son, he wouldn't have taken him on his dates with the OW.
I know what you mean, my H had both of us meeting his EN's while he was not meeting any of mine. How funny!
They want to have control of the situation and when they feel they are losing it, they get very UPSET about it.

Yes, it gets to a point where we try all means to save the M and finally get tired of it all. It's there turn to try and win us back, but apparently they just don't want to.
Yes, I know its fustrating, but do they seem to care? Nope, not one bit. I'm very proud of you for not answering the e-mails. I just can't do it. He e-mails me and makes me feel guilty so there you have me e-mailing. I think he just does that to see if I'm still stupid enough to wait for him to come back.

Cali,

You don't have anyone that you can get to do the exchange every now and then? Maybe a relative, friend, neighbor or babysitter? You don't even have to leave your home, just have someone over to answer the door for you and go in a back room or something until your WH leaves.

I know in my case, I am not the kind of person who likes to ask people for help, so I didn't want to bother my family with this. It felt to me that I had no one, but I in reality I only had to ask.

I needed to stop seeing my WH because it just became too difficult to see him all the time knowing he was using me, lying to me and not feeling any remorse over anything.

He also would make excuses to come in the house when I was home alone (like to use the bathroom) and then start asking me personal things that I now consider none of his business.

So I took a chance and asked my parents if I my WH could pick up our DS from their house and they've agreed. It's been such a relief.

As for your WH e-mails, I know how strong the temptation is to answer. My WH says things that get me all upset and I just want to send him a long drawn out reply where I spew out my venom at him and try to get him to see how crazy he is for what he's doing.

But I finally realized that I've already told him everything I needed to (and repeated it about a million times). There is no reason to continue to communicate now. We have a calendar to arrange visits (which he said was stupid at first, but when I replied that I think that his divorcing me is "stupid", he finally just complied).

Google and Yahoo both have calendars on-line and if your husband is smart enough to e-mail, he can use the calendar too. That way you can make arrangements ahead of time for an intermediary come over, even if it's only a few times a week.

One last thing.

When my WH was coming over everyday for visits, he would fish around to see if I was still interested. He would make comments like "if you met me today, you wouldn't date me would you?" I was stupid and responded with a "yes, I would". But now I realize that all he was doing was getting me to stroke his ego while he was demolishing mine. He had 3 women giving him attention and it was giving him the thrill of his life.

I'm not sure if you are in the plan A phase or not. But the above conversation occurred while I was trying to plan A.

There is no reason at this point for me plan A. He's made his choice and I'm letting him have his way. Only time will tell if God can make him see the error of his ways. My WH will have to experience the realities of this situation for himself so he can see whether or not it will make him "happy".

The question is, will I still be waiting when he has that revelation? Again, I guess only time will tell.

Sara,

I am D'd for a few months now, but ExH has been living with OW for about a year and a half. So I guess when they say seeing the warts and all will break the fantasy bubble, guess it hasn't worked in his case. I thought things would have soured considering OW is 17 years younger, but I guess he likes getting his ego stroked.

Now he has DD living with him. I thought that might have created some problems...ExH and OW can't be alone as they were accustomed to etc., but I guess not. Things seem to be going well.

As said in a previous post, I think when ExH makes his mind up whether right or wrong, he will stick with it so he won't have to admit he messed up. I've never gotten any remorse from him and I doubt if I ever will. As long as he's happy, that's all that matters to him.

That online calendar is a good idea. I never thought of that.

I got the idea for the calendar here at MB (on bugsmom's thread, I think.) It is great.

How long have your WXH and the OW been "together"? If it's only been a year and a half (and that IS a long time I know), everything I've read about relationships states that 6 months to 2 years is the average amount of time it take for the "honeymoon" period to end.

So if they've been together for less than 2 years, then they may still be in that phase.

This is not to say that they will automatically "break up" once that time period ends, but it will be more of a real relationship than it was previously where it was all laughs and good times.

Did you expose the affair to any and all pertinent people? I found that took a big bite out of my WH's "relationship" since they are co-workers and EVERYONE in the office knows. He felt ashamed at first and seemed to be disgusted with himself over what he did (since everyone knew), but has dealt with those feelings and maintained the relationship.

However, some of the ladies in his office still "hate" him (his words) and it makes for an uncomfortable environment.

I read some of your thread about your DD moving in with your WXH and I can see how upsetting that might be. But it seems to be a relatively new development and may not have had enough time to become uncomfortable yet.

I know the feeling of wishing your WXH to have a completely miserable life...I've been there many times over the last 3 months.

But I find that waiting for that to happen is more torture than it's worth. Every little "good" thing that happens to them just hurts you all the more. I don't think that's healthy for a person to go through all the time.

So my suggestion to you is to let God have your WXH. If he's ever going to experience any type of remorse for what he's done, your WXH will have to be taken to the wood shed, so to speak, by God.

I know that it feels as if you are letting him off the hook for what he's done, but you really aren't. God will deal with him one way or another.

Also, you are not punishing your WXH by being angry over what he's done. You are only punishing yourself. It has taken me many tear-filled nights of wailing at God to understand this. And I'm sure I will have to be reminded of it over and over again over the next few years as well. I have to pray for peace all the time when those feelings come over me and I must say that God has been faithful to do bring it.

So I hope that you can fill your time with something that you enjoy doing to take your mind off the awful thing that's happened to you.

What do you like to do in your spare time?

Sara,

Not quite sure about how long they've been together. I spoke to OWH and he said he thought it was since fall'05. I'm pretty sure it started off as an EA, not sure when it became a PA. He moved out 18 mos. ago to live with her, so I know the PA was since then. I'm sure it was before then too.

I have exposed. It did NOTHING! ExH is a respected person at his job, yet it seems like the people there accept what he did. I'm pretty sure ExH spinned a nice story about how our M was over anyway, etc. etc. I would have thought with OW being much younger, people would frown on that, yet his own family has accepted her!

Yes, DD moving in has only been a month, but I see no change in that situation.

I hate to say this, but I have lost all faith in God. I prayed so hard all these months and ExH and now DD are gone! I'm not the one that cheated, I'm a good person, was quite religious, (ExH never was), yet ExH is livng well and I am struggling.

ExH has ruined my life...financially, emotionally etc. I posted on the thread regarding 'what are we afraid of". That is exactly how I feel. He has ruined my life!

I've really started exercising, if you can call that a hobby. Keeps my mind off things for awhile, but then the same [email]cr@p[/email] creeps back into my mind.

I just want him to suffer like I did. I don't see that EVER happening though. He ALWAYS lands on his feet!