And well you should.

I'm sorry for all you're going through right now.

Hang in there. You'll make it!

~ Marsh

If this comes from a third party – like an OB – then that is not a breach of the RO.

So you are going to let your pride seal it that your son and unborn child are raised in a broken home. OK – that‘s you call. You will be “right” but you will also be miserable.

Maybe you did rush into this marriage but it’s lasted several years. Believer – I really thought what made MB unique amongst infidelity sites is the emphasis on SAVING marriages. This situation is IMHO totally salvageable and I think we should be directing TOMK towards saving his marriage.

bigger - You are exactly right!

I think the marriage is very savageable also. Excuse me - I got sidetracked by the two marriage part, and was thinking about paying two sets of child support.

More checking needs to be done to expose any affair. It will be harder, but the truth always comes out in the end.

In the meantime, keep reading here about how a good marriage is supposed to be.

This sickens me. She makes me miserable, but I just thought of our typical Saturday mornings.... off to breakfast at the local mom & pops diner. Then over to a lookout area for the commercial airlines in the area as we sit there having coffee...talking about nothing at all, but talking. and enjoying our son being ever so excited to "go see airplanes".

...I wonder if she'll still take him there tomorrow or if she's made plans to go seek comfort from her family and tell them what a horrible person I am. It's apparent from her email to "J" she thinking good ridance.

If that email was real and she did call the cops to say I took the router.... shouldn't they have a BOLO on me? Is it just a matter of time before I'm picked up and swept into another cell?

Here I am hating her and what she's done, yet I still try to help her... knowing that i took my wireless router, I called the ISP to call her to help her fix her connection. What's ironic is that I was going to leave one of the older ones in its place with a note on how to connect to it. but in all the maddness of trying to get my stuff during the civil standby and being irritated that she felt the need to go through every single box before I could take it to my car.... I forgot. I was even going to risk the RO and bring one back...until I got the phone call and the hate email of course. Then reality slapped me again... why do I KEEP TRYING to be nice again?????

I under estimated her too... my router was reconfigured. She either did it, or called her Company IT guys and they walked her through it. Get this, the wireless SSID was "Scorned1"

Touche` sweetheart!
Whenwe met, her profile was "DevilishGreenEyed1"... i shoulda known then....

Apparently she is emailing everyone she thinks I am in contact with and feeling the need to give her version of the full story. Why she feels it so important to involve others in our cirles of our Domestic issues is beyond me. I guess she just wants to make sure that any existing or new relationships are difficult for me...no matter who they are with.

She seems to have sent out some sort of "form letter email" to people she thinks I may be staying with. Here's an excerpt:


So this was sent to my sister, whom she can't stand, but is telling her hope all is well....

and apparently this is yet another ploy to have me go to anger management...as a way of saying "Yes, I did hit her and threaten her life and told her I would kidnap my son"?!?!?!?!?!

THIS IS WHY MEN GET IN TROUBLE FOR KIDNAPPING THEIR CHILDREN!!! Psychos like this!

All I wanted to do was get my things and leave, for how long I didn't know. I just knew I was going and didn't even know where I was going. But she had to call the cops and lie. I know i sound like a broken record don't I?

At least had I left on my own, she wouldn't have to keep saying she didn't want me arrested. What frikkin outcome was she expecting after telling the police I threated her life??!! I also could have the the situatioin diffuse itself a little bit and gone back on my own to talk with her... none of this civil standby bull either, which apparently just added fuel to her fire.

I can't do anything right! ugh

Good lord - unbelievable situation. Her version is totally different version from yours. Did she learn propaganda tactics from the Nazis?

I am naive - but to think think that anyone can have their husband thrown in a cell without so much as their word and deny any visitation to their child is rather disturbing to me.

Hang in there. Hope someone who had a similar situation joins on this thread to give some advice.

Do you have any previous history of domestic violence? Were you abusive to your former wife? Have the police ever before been called to your house? Do you have any convictions for violence?

If the answer is “no” then consider doing the following:

Either through the police or DA (Mr. Wondering can tell you which is better) ask for a meeting. Explain what sparked this – your W’s case of a STD that she thinks you gave her. Show your result and them of the evidence that this disease can be dormant in women. Then show them the e-mails you have. Emphasize that you have no past record of abuse and your XW can confirm that. Based on that evidence I venture the DA will drop the case.

Will they charge your W for a false charge? Maybe. Doubt it. If so then I would like to live in your neck of the woods where the DA and police have so little real crime to handle. Even IF they charge her then it’s probably only a reprimand seeing she is pregnant. In fact – if this is inevitably heading for divorce then having her reprimanded can be to your advantage.

TOMK,
This is an adult site. People post here because of marital problems. Serious issues. So I’m not going to mince words. I’m going to say things like I see them.

The reason you feel you can’t do anything right is because I really can’t see you have done anything.

So far you have focused on her actions, other people’s reactions and petty issues. You focus on the pain you feel and how things could turn out for the worst. This will not get you anywhere. It’s like if you were on a small boat with a hole in the hull. You are watching the water flow in an all you do is minimize how wet you get, but eventually the boat will sink and you will get soaked. What we can do is point out how you can plug the hole and then possibly bail out the water. You’ll get wet but you won’t drown.

NOONE – Not Bigger, Wondering, Believer or any one of us well-intended people can get you out of this. Only you can. That’s because all we can do is write and suggest. All action has to be on your part.

Your W is on her own agenda based on what she perceives as the truth. We have had BS post here where they tell us that they threw their WS out, got a RO, cut of visitation and initiated D and we CHEER THEM ON. She truly believes you cheated and justifies all her actions on that base.

Knock that base away. I have already told you how you can get the info on dormant Chlamydia to her without breaking the RO. A simple way would be to ask your sister to send it. So you and your sister are not talking? So what. This is your FAMILY we are talking about. To save my family I would talk to the devil if I had to. If the sister is out then your W best friend. If that is out then your pastor. If you are Jewish your Rabbi. Whatever. Just get the info to her. You are a computer guy. You have heard of search engines. You can find the data about dormant STD’s in a few minutes just like I did.

So your W suggests anger management. Do you need it? Honestly I can’t see you do based on these posts but I do believe you need emotional focus. You seem to hang on to minor and basically banal issues without seeing the complete picture. Look at your situation as a war – not a battle. When fighting a war then losing an occasional battle is OK. Even strategically necessary. As long as you win the war.

Did you know that George Washington only won a few battles in his career? Fewer than one third of the battles he took part in if I remember correctly. But he won the important ones and therefore he won the war.

IF she opens dialogue with you then offer a good path back. Like offer that you both seek counseling and that you two get MC. Accept that you “both” overreacted. Your short term goal is to get the charges dropped, get back in the house and to your kid, calm the situation. Your mid-term goal is to get to MC. Long term goal create a good marriage.

My question is


did you ever get a paternity test on the child you currently have together?


Because IF she planned this from the start


The OM may have been there all along

and TOMK might not even be the daddy of the one he thinks he is the daddy of right now.

Not to mention the one on the way

given this wife's background.


something to think about

If it were me, I would have the son's cheek swabbed at the very first opportunity. A DNA kit on hand for that chance.

SB

I was thinking the same thing, SB.

~ Marsh

No to all four. Though one time when my current wife and I moved from one side of town to the other, we had yet another STUPID argument, about what I have no idea. But she left to the other house. I had the baby (of course) and continued packing. Well I leave...with the baby to go get something to drink. Sweet ole wifey-poo returns to see me and baby gone. What does she do?

Call the cops saying I kidnapped him. I return non the wiser and continue packing, she tell s me I better call the cops and let them know where I am as they are out looking for me. I never did call them, and they never showed up. I don't know if she called them or if it was complete bull to try to get me back to Mr submissive hubby.

I want to get her the info on the dormant STD thing, but I can't. I have to wait til the RO court date at least. Apparently I ahve a new court date for the RO, which is next friday, but the 12/13 court date is for the criminal charges of "threatening her life and the unborn baby"... this is great! So even if she drops the charges on 10/12 I could still go to jail for up to 6 years if the DA wants.

I'll worry about that bridge when I need ot cross it. Until then I'll see what I can do to A) get her the info and B) get her to read it and C) - the ringer, get her to believe it's possible.

I know, as you may all learn to eventually, Wife is ALWAYS right, and I am always wrong. Anything I point out is inaccurate and inconcescquntial. But hey...can never say I've nver tried!

Somewhere along the line I think lines got crossed here too, I do talk with my sister. She's been kind enough to let me sleep in her basement the last few days while I try to get a handle on this all....

OH and I JUST realized that all the reference to "TOMK"... is me. Duh. Just goes to show how "slow" of a man I am I guess.

Oh and my son is mine, there's no denying that. He looked like me for 8-12 months then turn to look like her father more. But he's 100% me! well...50% anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

TOMK,

I didn’t expect you to have any abusive history.

If your W made a false accusation to the police regarding having kidnapped your kid then it‘s documented. Even if there is no action or response it will be noted in the police blotter. Follow my advice regarding talking to the police/da and point to that incident also.

DO NOT WAIT FOR THE RO COURT DATE. Your best bet is to have this stopped ASAP. Not in court. Don’t let this escalate.

Schoolbus: what in W background supports your OM theory?

I Still think she may have an OM. She says she needs space, and is sure h*ll-bent on getting you out of the home. That is usually a clue that there is an affair.

And a WW, though she is having an affair, will most likely blaim her husband, because OF COURSE, the OM wouldn't give her a STD.

Do you have an anger problem at all? It just seems odd that she would be talking about anger management.

Does her mother treat her father poorly?

Her mother and father, sister and husband also "fight alot. More her sister and husband then mother and father. Although no one seems to want to pull any punches at any time, regardless of where we all are. Family cookout inthe parent's back yard, or at an outing at the grandparents house. Also, She left the house at 17 and returned at 27.... Along with her older sister, whom to this day I've never met...and the family NEVER talks about.

Yes I have anger issues at times, but mostly it's in defense of her. No one can never get angry...can they?

It has built over the years to the point where, Like I've said, I just feel like I exist in this marriage... I have no active role. If I try to communicate my opinion, it falls on deaf ears....

She's the boss, there is no 50-50. Oh unless of course I can fimnd a job that makes more money than hers, then I can be boss... I don't want o be boss. I want to be a team! (hence the reson I put her name on the title of a car I paid for outright...and other things)

yeah... her younger sister and hubby fight CONSTANTLY in front of their 6 year old girl... ALL the time. She tells him to F off and he tells her she's a worthless drunk slut.

I used to befreind him and try to figure out why our wives (both sisters) treat us like sh*t. But he doesn't care.

Daddy takes care of his girls an in that takes care of him too (financially) The younger sister and hubby have a house that was basically given to them in the back yard...cuz they gave Daddy the first grandchild (on record anyway)

My wife wouldn't let me buy 2 new cars back when i bought the first because her father gave her a car... granted it was new to him and a hand me down to her, but it was 10 years old, we were having a baby, and I wanted new cars for safety.

I sold my car and bought the new one. Wifey ended up with the new car and I drove the one her father gave her...for almost another 2 years until it was cost effective to finally get rid of it.

She was worried what her father would think of us getting rid of it... he ended up not caring and proud of me for buying another new, safe car.

Married 6/25/04
Left 9/04 returned 11/04
Baby 8/05
New baby due 4/08
Arrested for trying to leave on my own 10/2/07
4 year anniversary 6/08 will we make it?
Should we bother to try?

With all I have rad today on dormant Chlamydia.... I'm hoping she will just be upset she got this from someone before me and just reacted thinking I did a horrible act... though she's been accusing me of that since 1 week after marriage....

I have suggested Counseling in the past, she says she doesn't need it. if "we" need it then we don't belong together. After my first marriage I was on Paxil for about 6 months and it helped me tremendously. I mentioned perhaps I should go back on it? She said she will not be married to a medicated husband.

Recently I'm the one that needs this counseling and that counsleing... according to her. I'm also recently been told maybe it's time for medication again...

I absolutely feel you on the -"if "we" need it then we don't belong together."

My wife has said the same thing, wanting me to be capable of fixing things on my own. She just wanted me to CARE enough to figure it out! That is the problem, is that sometimes guys just don't care enough to ACTUALLY figure it out, or even own up to the problems. I think my relationship is at an end, because it was NEVER me that tried to figure things out, and that was because of the same reasons that I was causing the problems in the first place. The biggest sign of some one withdrawing from the relationship is the problems they cause. They don't talk out their issues, and create problems to distract. I then tried to make OTHER excuses for WHY I was creating problems. But it was simply my desire to withdraw.!

I can't figure out my desire to withdrawal!!!

I would suggest not doing this. If his W is actually cheating on him, in doing this he would only be giving her an alibi for her infection.

What is it you like about your wife? She doesn't sound very appealing - and she has been like this your WHOLE marriage?

Yes there is a slight possibility that W has been having an affair for years, that kid no. 1 is really OM son, that unborn is really OM kid too. That OM gave her Chlamydia (that he got and transmitted to WW in the period of time from when WW and TOMK last had sex and she was diagnosed (because otherwise TOMK would also be infected)). Mind you – that would indicate OM is cheating on WW (he has to get the disease somewhere). Yes – this could all be an elaborate set-up to make TOMK pay for child support.

But if they took bets on this situation then my money is on the dormant Chlamydia theory.

Honestly? I can't remember any more. It's been so long since we ha da real genuine good time with each other.

Yes, she ahs been like this the whole marriage. Pre marriage she was the best thing to ever happen to me I think. Then after she found out about a girl I dated before I even knew her, and the lunch with my exwife to tell her I was remarried.

Which by the way was about 2 weeks after we were married. Got married and spent a w eek in the Grand Canyon, came home, life was great. Got a call fromt he ex that it's my weekend with the kids, during drop off told her I was remarried. Wife found ouot and the spit hit the fan....it hasn't stopped. Granted there are days when there is little spit, but there is ALWAYS spit. Ok well maybe the week we spent in the hospitol waiting for our son to arrive...

Oh that reminds me, my wife has always been very kind to me when we go away on a road trip, long weekend, or vacation. But the SECOND we get home, "b*tch mode" turns back on.

Do I love her? ..Ok I've sat here for a good 10 minutes trying to type after that.

I've missed her more today then the rest of the week....but was it becasue i had all day with no work distractions to think about it? (I also went back to "bed" in the basement about 3 hours after I got up and slept most of the day away)

I miss doing things with her. Not just now that I'm gone. I missed then when I was living at home to.

I miss my boy something bad. I hope he's doing OK and that she's not filling his head with crap about how daddy is gone and stuff...

Before we were married she saw the good in everyone, now she's just angry with everyone and always has a comment to make about everyone.... as though they are lucky to be in the same area as her...

I wanted this next baby to be mine, never even crossed my mind that it wasn't until last friday when she told me she had an STD and accused me of cheating. My heart ...I just had this complete empty feeling inside and all I did was hold my son as much as I could and told him how much I loved him.

I still want this baby to be mine, I want to be there when (hopefully she) comes into this world.

I want my family intact!!! I want love and trust in my family!!

How do I get that back if she won't even consider the possibilty that I didn't cheat, I'm telling the truth, and I... I think if I can get my family back, I could forgive her if she cheated. Shoot, part of me is already talking myself out of the possiblity of her cheating, I'm in sort of a denial that she would ahve and that this dormant STD theory is what has plagued my fmaily and set her off on me....

I want to go home. But I can't, the law won't let me now. I want to let her know about the stuff I found (thanks to you) about the dormant Chlamydia but I can't have my sister email her, I can't have anyone relay a message to her for me. It's against the RO and I'll go to jail. If I had warm fuzzies that she'd let it slide igot that info to her, i'd consider it. But the way we last spoke... I think it will just be more ammo for her to use against me.

So... jail and a record vs trying to get my family back...

for the record, we live in New Hampshire. By law we would each have to fill out a financial affidavit. She makes 3-4 times as much as I do. She would get the minimum required by law, and I belive that's $50 a month.

Not to mention that she's (sadly every time we argue and told me to get out) promised not to seek child support from me.

Doesn't matter anyway, cuz if it comes down to that, I will be seeking custody. What mother lives 10 minutes from home and gets daycare 3 buildings away from her office, yet leaves for work at 4am, doesn't come home till 6-6:30PM... AND expects, no demands, that hubby - who has to travel the complete other direction, to drop off the baby at daycare???? To me... a mother who is a mother when she wnats to be. Period.

I can leave my job at 5:00, get to the baby, get home, heck most nights even get his dinner ready, before she walks in the door.... And her office is less than 1/2 from him.