In 10 years, whether he's still with his wife or not...Ryan's gonna look back at his life and the way he dealt with this situation.

Does he look back at a Ryan that shrank in fear or a Ryan that stood up for what was right...despite the ramnifications.

In my experiences...Bully's run once exposed. Ryan is NOT going to lose his job over exposing a guy for sleeping with his wife. If...by some stretch he did...it was meant to happen and who'd choose to work in an environment and with people so blantantly blind to the difference between right and wrong.

There are no kids involved here. Even Dr. Harley doesn't find Plan B very effective in these situations. They are separated and WW...after a few weeks of minimal withdrawal can easily move on without him. I say he sticks to Plan A until the love bank is just about empty. It's not even close that yet.

Plan A...includes exposure. OM is already on the ropes. He may have backed off or actually broken things off...for now. But when things settle down they nearly always reestablish contact...even closure or friendly contact...little notes and checking up on each other. Thus...the affair continues until you make it so uncomfortable for OM he'll decide to completely move on.

Since you have no way of monitoring for contact that means they are free to contact each other all they want. Even though they broke up I'd put the odds at 50-50 that they are still speaking.

Mr. Wondering

Well, the meeting at the Dog park surely didn't turn out like I had planned. I was all set to walk in and small talk, try to be nice and work a little PLAN A, but she was pretty defensive from the start. About 5 minutes into our talk she says, "I got a call from the FBI Security Office, Friday" of course I was pretty much stopped in my tracks. She said that she had to give a statement, she also asked that any emails/photos that I have about the affair that I delete. I told her that, I wasn't prepard to talk about this and that I was only interested in working on our marriage. Her response was, "How can we when you are sending out emails to the FBI. You know it really hurts me when you do these things." I told her that the whole situation was wrong, she responded, "You're right this should have been between, You, Me and Jason." My response was, "No, it should have been between you and I, if we had a problem we should have talked about it, you shouldn't have had an affair." We were walking to our cars at this point, so I put the dog and all of his things in my truck and we both drove off in seperate directions. I don't know if a PLAN B is my only hope like Sweetsobriquet, ha recomended, but I do know that this is not working. My wife is mad at me every time I see her, because of the exposure. She is now asking for more paperwork, car loan infomation, titles, etc, that really makes me believe that she is getting ready to see an attorney, or file divorce papework.

What a mess,
Ryan

You obviously cannot do this - breach of security rules.


Affairs hurt everyone concerned including those who so engage. Problem is, those who so engage don't understand consequences and the hurt to themselves, not just those whom they betray. For whatever it is worth, once my own wife understand the consequences to me and the kids, which was a part of the consequences to herself as well, she started the journey to recovery.

I dunno about this one. No kids, it might be time to move on. On the other hand, you do have an obligation under security rules to make sure the affair sees the light of day.

Just for the record, any consequences that fall on the head of your wife or the OM are the direct consequences of the fact they had an affair irrespective of anything you have done or will do. They made a choice and choices have consequences. In point of fact, they both were unable to control their willingness to drop their underwear, which is not what those in charge of security are looking for in a trusted and cleared worker.

Might be a good idea to wrap yourself up in that perspective.

Larry

Didn’t you fax the letters on the 18th and send copies by mail on the 19th? And then on the 19th your boss get’s a call from the “Security Officer” (SO)?

Does this really sound like the Method of Operation for what is possibly the world‘s best police agency with the largest funding?

To me as a reasonable sensible man this sounds like one guy helping his friend out in making the problem “disappear”. There are way too many “wow” factors here. Too many breaches of correct police procedure:
1) The time factor: You “threaten” exposure (undeniably not a good idea). Nothing happens until all of a sudden when you actually do expose.
2) The same day you expose there is reaction. Normally a police officer would do some research to validate the information he/she is handling. So in that one day the Security Officer get’s your fax, talks to OM, get’s his “facts” clear, learns enough about you to know who your boss is, phones him and gives him the good news.
3) He leaves your boss with implied threats. “If he persists he MIGHT lose his clearance”. Look – either you blackmailed a FBI agent or you did not. If the Security Officer truly believes you did then he is basically breaking the law by not starting a formal investigation that might lead to charges. A police officer is NOT a DA or a judge. He cannot select what is a crime and what is not. What to investigate and what not to investigate.
Furthermore – he is doing exactly what he is accusing you of doing. He is blackmailing you.
4) The Security Officer does not talk to you or respond to the fax. Instead he goes for your boss.
5) The details he leaves with your boss. This is a confidential and personal issue. It does not yet affect your job. Therefore he has no right to inform your boss of an investigation that is ongoing.
6) The same applies to the FBI as does with all police forces: if an individual is accused of doing something wrong (you threaten OM with exposure) the investigator MUST research everything that can prove you guilty OR innocent. Since the Security Officer has not contacted you then he has chosen to ONLY investigate what can prove you guilty.

In a “normal” company the initial reaction to a letter like the one you sent would be to hope it goes away. It does NOT go to the top of the To Do list. If pressed the company most likely would call the OP to an informal meeting and he/she would be told to fix the problem. It’s only if followed through that the company takes serious action. I know this from experience as a manager in a company that has had to deal with these things: as a rule managers want personal issues to solve themselves.

That’s what I think happened to most of the faxes you sent. They have been filed in the “what do we do with these?” bin and will be there for a few days. The only one to respond is the Security Officer of the branch OM is stationed. That response is to “make this go away”.

I would firm up right now. Tell your boss you do not see this as blackmailing or threatening. Ask him whether your talk was a formal talk or informal. Is it noted in your file? Tell him that as an AMERICAN you refuse to be intimidated by an agency that was actually founded to protect you. Tell him you won’t mix work with personal life and do not think work should be querying your personal life.

Phone the FBI agency and ask the Security Officer whether he has been making these threats. Tell him that HIS BLACMAILING will not be accepted and furthermore that – unlike your alleged threat to OM which is basically your word against his – then your boss will be glad to repeat what the SO said in a court of law if required.

Honestly – with LUCK the SO and OM will carry on with their “threat”. If you lose your clearance over this then I venture you have one of the best cases for wrongful dismissal I have heard of.

Well, I have to agree with Mr.W -- But this is going to have to be a modified Plan A, no? As they're not living together? Some elements of Plan B surely apply -- He's going to have to stop the negative contact.



No, she's mad at you because she's embarassed by the consequences of the affair.

<beginning of rant on security and policy>

She's ALSO p*ssed off by the employment fiasco, but I suspect that you have only got a glimpse of the tip of the iceberg that you created when you threatened the OM with exposure-unless-performance-of-task. That generated many levels of guano, security-wise, and you have just got no idea. Problems for you, problems for wife, problems for OM -- But the problems for the OM right now are beyond your concern. Let him stew in his own ... guano.

For now, YOUR problems and your WIFE's problems ... really ARE your problems. If you have generated an asterisk in your file as a "security problem," or continue to do so, you will in fact be unemployable in this same field. People do have SOME understanding for irregular behavior when under stress, BUT ... people with security clearances GET those security clearances BECAUSE they are supposed to be reliable under stress. If you and your mate fracture under pressure, you are now unreliable candidates.

On the other hand (be prepared to cringe), the OM (because he immediately reported the threat of extortion/blackmail to a superior) may be considered a stronger candidate.

<end of rant>

This is why you should NEVER NEVER NEVER THREATEN people with exposure, just dang well DO it!

And, as for what you should do now -- Since your wife is not living with you, and you cannot monitor, I can only agree with Mr.W that the best thing to do is make yourself charming, delightful, handsome, and appealing when she DOES see you. End any verbal/phone/face-to-face contact BEFORE it turns negative, so her last memory of you EVERY time is POSITIVE ... and see what happens ...

I doubt he did. The timing just does not match up. It’s been some time since Scott started exposing. On the 10th of September he phoned the Branch Office and got no reaction. It’s not until 19th of October - the day after he faxes a complaint - that he gets some reaction and that reaction is indirect (through Scott’s boss).

Plus making the report would automatically incriminate the OM. “I want to report that Mr. Scott has threatened to tell you that I am having an affair with his wife. I think this threat has enough weight because a) its true and b) I know that as a Special Agent I am held to higher moral standards”. This just does not make sense.

I therefore doubt that the FBI has any confirmed complaint about the threat of extortion/blackmail on file. I also doubt a professional agency like the FBI takes lightly to its agents misusing their powers to make threats or to fix their personal agendas.

The way I see it: If OM did make an immediate report the FBI are at fault for not investigating it. After all – threatening a Special Agent is serious business.

No – the timing’s are too convenient. The Security Officer is helping a friend.

Talked to my wife she was pissed off. She told me that she couldn't understand what I was trying to get out of this? She said that I was just making my case worse and that she couldn't see why she would ever come back to me. She then went on to tell me that the OM was a war hero and what did I expect from revealing to his work, they aren't going to fire him.

So here is my plan. I am going to lay low, not cause any problems, maybe send an email here or there to my wife, just try and be a friend again, instead of a husband trying to talk to my wife about an affair. I need to just be able to talk to her without always having it be about relationships and affairs, etc.

What do you think?

Ryan

how do you feel about being your wife's friend while she is screwing another man?
sounds like a lousy plan to me.

do not listen to anything that your wife has to say regarding exposure...she is a liar and a cheat...her words should NEVER be listened to. She is a LIAR and is screwing another man...why would you listen to one word she has to say regarding your exposure effectiveness. If a WW were to tell me that "he was a war hero...gag...they aren't going to fire him..." I would believe that exposure is working just fine. Expose away. Not more threats...action.

Do not forget she is a liar and a cheat.

mkeverydaycnt,

Of course I feel like ****** about it. Thanks. I know that right now the OM is in NY and my wife is in DC so atleast they aren't being physical right now. I have got to find some way to atleast do some PLAN A, because right now my wife is so mad about the exposure and what I have done that she could walk away from me pretty easily. I have exposed, so I am going to sit back and see what happens, but in the mean time, I am going to try and convince my wife that I can be a friend, so that she will atleast talk to me with out yelling.

If I am making a wrong assumption, or need to do something else please say so.

Ryan.

I got to agree with MEDC on this. I don't post a lot but really I just don't see the point of a plan like what you have in mind.

Why don't you go all out. Why don't you plan their get togethers at romantic places. Get another job and send them on cruises or exotic romantic trips. Pay for a boob job and any other plastic surgery that will make her hotter. Maybe buy her a new car and if you need to get a third job and buy her and her new lover a house. Can you imagine how pleased she would be if you did that for her?

I would imagine that she would be about the happiest woman in the world. If that is what you want then I say go for it.

Now the reason why I am being sarcastic is to show you in an extreme way the folly of your ways. Taken to the extreme that is really what you are advocating.

She has no consequences for her actions. Just like kids if they have no consequences to their actions it can lead to spoiled and rotten kids.

The thing I want to ask you is why do you think so little of yourself that you tolerate your wife to sleep with another guy? Your wife would be more likely to come back to you if you dumped her and started taking up with another woman. I am not advocating that route but come on stop being a doormat. I think your own therapist also told you that you were being too nice. I am sorry but I just hate to see people put up with this kind of behavior. Do what you think is right but if you don't stand up for yourself please expect to be treated like crap. After all, it will make her happy and that is most important, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Ryan, please do not let this worry you. She is angry because you turned on the light in the crack house and made her and her scumbum look sleazy and low. Your actions shone the light on the affair, which will hasten its death. She will get over her anger, so just sit back and be as polite as you can and try not to worry. There is nothing you can say that will make her like being exposed at this time so don't even try.

Scott,

1) Don't act desperate; you're married and not dating. You shouldn't have to persue her. Acting desperate will make you look pathetic. Just be cool. Go out with friends, have plans (and accidentally mentioned it to her) and make her wonder what you're up to.

2) Don't call her (or at least reduced the call significantly to maybe once a week or so) and when you do call her, make sure it's "business" such as arranging to pick up the dog, bills, etc.

3) Don't be cold to her, just be cool. When she does talk to you, listen. If you have to respond, respond in a cool manner with reason.

4) Make sure she knows that the OM said "that she is not worth it" to her job, embarrassments, etc. and that you would have never done that to her.

So I got a strange call from my parents last night. My wife's parents called them to make sure that they were giving me all the support that I need. They then talked to my parents about what had gone on, my wife's father was concerned that if I kept doing what I was doing I was going to effect all of our security clearances and our jobs. My parents thought that this was really strange and kind of got the feeling he wanted me to back off. My wife's father didn't say anything about my wife or that he was sorry or anything else, just that he wanted to make sure I had support, and that I was careful about what I was doing??

I sent him an email thanking him for his concern. I don't think I will get a response, but I hope he helps. Below is the email I sent:

hank you for your concern. I spoke with my parents tonight and they were, surprised that you would call. I do appreciate that you are worried, but this situation is getting blown out of proportion. While I know you have heard I am being a horrible person, you must understand that I would do anything to fight for my marriage. Of course it seems like a lost cause because, you only get to hear about the bad times, but Jess and I did have some wonderful times. I have spent countless hours talking to people that have been on both sides of an affair, and have listened to how affairs hurt everyone. The most astonishing thing is that almost 85% of all affairs do end, and 65% of people that get a divorce end up regretting it. I know that Jess is furious at me right now, because I am doing things that are uncovering her affair, and making it difficult for her and her lover. I truly believe in the bottom of my heart that this man will hurt Jess. He has had multiple affairs, and when I told him I would reveal his affair he called and told me that Jessaka "Is not worth it." Just so you know I am not coming up with all of this on my own. I have been using methods on marriagebuilders.com one of the best marriage counselors in the country. I wish I would have known years ago, what I know now when it comes to marriages and relationships. In the last 2 months, I have learned a lot about emotional needs and how it effects a couple. Again I am not trying to hurt anyone, I am simply fighting for my marriage, I would expect anyone that TRULY LOVES to try and stop the affair, and build back a long lasting loving relationship.

I do love your daughter and I do care for her more than anything. I am scared and worried, and I want to be there for her. I know she has been to John's Hopkins and I am so upset that I can't be there, she really does mean the world to me. I hope everything is OK and Thank You again.


Ryan.

Uh-oh. I think you made a mistake telling her parents about marriagebuilders.com. Even though they appear to be supportive don't think for a minute that they're not going to relay things you say back to your wife. You might even think about starting a new thread with a new user name now that you've let the cat out of the bag about this site.

I did a little research on line and I've found the "Security Officer" in FBI branch offices is the person responsible for the building security and for operating the polygraph equipment. (It seems to be a relatively new position, apparently brought about because of concerns about terrorism conducted against government buildings.) This call from a "security officer" within the FBI office, threatening vague retributions because you are exposing this obscenity just doesn't sound kosher to me, Scotty. I think someone is mounting a pretty big bluff, trying to scare you off. It might even be the OM himself making these calls to your boss.

Additionally, let's examine this:


Now, I'm assuming you meant that your wife is asking you to delete any emails or photos you have. Is that correct? If so, Scotty, I think this is a dead give-away that young Mr. OM FBI agent is scared and wants to eliminate any potential proof of the adultery. Secret those emails and photos somewhere no one can get to, okay?

Your plan to back off and become a doormat sucks. It's worse than no plan and your marriage is doomed if you do it. You'll be enabling her adultery.

Now, here's a challenge for you, Scotty. Do you love your wife? Do you love her enough to find out if all this is smoke and mirrors perpetrated by a WW and OM who is misusing his authority...or do you just want to submit to all this?

Scotty, get yourself to a good criminal lawyer and lay all this out to him/her. Darn it all. Do the one thing that will tell you, once and for all, whether someone is running a bluff on you or not. A lawyer will be able to contact the local FBI office, or even the headquarters in DC, in your behalf and then you would KNOW what's going on and not have to guess.

Tell us what you’re going to do, Scotty. If you turn passive, there’s no chance whatsoever.

Waywards do bluff as well as lie. Remember Bluenote? He sent a package of affair proof to his wife's lover's BW.

That BH had his cousin call up Bluenote pretending to be the actual BW. They are sneaky!


TJ...Bluenote, how's it going?"

Longhorn,

I am still going to mail the letter certified to the Head of the Buffalo Branch, so that there is no question in my mind that it has been revealed. I want to make sure that he is punished for what he has done. I did not want my wife's career to suffer, but she said she had to report it to her office as well. This all would be a moot point if the OM would have just walked away from my wife, and dropped it. I gave him a chance, because I thought it was the "right" thing to do. I know now that you must expose without any warning.

Ryan.

Scotty, you're believing a woman who has been lying to you for a long, long time. How about asking your WW for the name and phone number of the individual to whom she gave her "statement?"

sr:

Since you told her parents about this site, you should edit your W's name out of your post. It won't be hard 2 find, with spelling like that.

And who knows who'd be looking?

-ol' 2long

Longhorn,

I know you are not going to understand this, but I don't want to reveal to my wife's office. She is in the process of getting a new job that means a lot to her. If I were to cause her to lose the chance to get this job, she would never forgive me. It is one of the jobs that only comes along once in a lifetime. I do want her to be happy with her job. Like I said this particular job, is something that she has devoted a lot of time to, if I were the cause of her not getting it, wether that was really the case or just the way she saw it, there would be no chance in ****** of reconciliation.

I do want to make sure that it has been revealed to everyone else. So far for sure I know it has been revealed to Her Parents, Her Sister, Some of her friends, the OM wife, Some people at his church, and possibly his office. I will follow up with the certified letter to the head of his office to make sure they have been notified.

Ryan.