Started plan A 2 years ago this month, and H said he wanted to recover the following September, said he'd do "anything necessary, for as long as necessary" that following December, at which point I fell apart completely.

When I started get a little better, I started recovery - not my recovery, you understand. Oh no! A VERY tightly controlled marital recovery, and H withdrew and dropped out. I pushed, pulled, kicked and sighed untill I was exhausted, and finally gave-up on my M, and turned inward, and..... found some peace.

I am growning, my sons and I are growing together, I cannot describe how much better life is now.

My H is now wanting to recover, he is..... wooing me, getting coaching, transferring to a job that will allow him to live here in our home full-time, for the first time in YEARS.

And I can't breath. I can't find my peace. I want to run away from home, or tell him he cannot come, or maybe throw-up.

Everything I've wanted, and all I can think, "is too little, too late." But I am still here, and I am open to possibilities of what's next, I just wish I wanted it.

Let's see...... One question I have - Is there another man in your life?

And how long were you and hubby separated?

You don't have to take him back, you know. But if you decide you do, make sure it is on your terms. And I would not consider letting him move back home until I was absolutely certain I wanted him there.

I would demand a very long courting time, or would not be interested. And I would not let him push me for an answer. It would be purely courting, complete without SF until YOU want to take it to that level.

No, I do not have any men in my life; I am careful about that.

We never really had a seperation, he just always worked away from home.

I just wanted so much for my marriage to recover, and... it didn't, he wouldn't, and I gave it everything I had to give to build it, for more than a year and a half - such a lonely, sad, painful time. And then I realized he wasn't going to do it, and I couldn't make him, or change it, so I accepted that.

I focused on myself, my sons, my home and my community... I found my peace, I learned to... not suffer, not pine, to not want what I had wanted, so very much. I learned to love my life, without him.

Now, he seems to have learned to love my life, too, to love me, and I am... mortified. He is actively wooing me, and it leaves me feeling so tired and sad and afraid.

I am not interested in divorce, or dating, but I'm not interested in my H either, anymore.

And he's moving back here, at the end of the month, and he's so excited, and I am... not.

Coming,

Be honest with your H about your feelings, lack of feelings and confusion. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, so I am not surprised that you don't have much feeling for him now.

But, if you don't want a divorce, then you need to let him have his chance at changing how you feel via his actions. I would simply be very honest with him about how you see things now.

God Bless,

JL

My H is home for the weekend, and I told him I was afraid about his moving back here full time, and he asked why, so I told him because I was afraid it wouldn't work-out, because I was afraid he wouldn't like me, and because I had given-up on the M. I told him I was having a hard time, thet the roller-coaster was on a big dip, but I am taking care of myself, so it'll get better.

He said he was going to take a shower, I said no, please no, and so we sat in bed, together, and I took his hand and we held hands and chatted untill our sons came in, and flopped down.

Did he ever get to take that shower? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

So why the sudden change of heart by WH? What is different now from two years ago?

Yes, he finally got that shower, took a while, though.

What is different from 2 years ago? Me. Me and our sons, our dynamics.

You see, when DS16 found out about the A he... was distressed, and acted-out that distress in terrifying ways. I could do nothing to help; I was blaming H for destroying our son, our M, our family.

In June, for various, painful, reasons, I gave-up on my M - I didn't ask him to move-out, or anything, I just turned inward, and focused on me, getting grounded and healing, and just... left H to God. There's a difference between plan A and recovery. Up to that point, I was trying - so hard - to recover the M, which seemed like the natural progression after "plan A", and the end of the A, and H getting a new job. Bit I was in it alone, and it was misery. So, I finally just gave-up.

Something amazing happened. I began to see things I had not seen before. I saw my sons, as I hadn't seen them before. All the blame at H for the harm he had done to DS16... fell away, as I recognized that I had - in my own pain - left him alone in his. I always told them we could talk about anything - but not this, my words said that, but my actions demonstrated something else. I reached to my own healing, and somehow my sons, especially DS16, somehow accessed their own healing...

And we - my sons and I - have grown, and we have new skills, a new relationship, and H... doesn't. He sees what is, and, I think, feels left behind. I don't remember what started the conversation, but he said he was happy with our M, and I told him I am so glad, because that means that I am succeesing at my goal to be an excellent wife. He said something about being a good H and I said no, but I thought the potential was there, and that I am sad that he didn't utilize it, but that I am content in my life, but not happily married.

And he applied for transfer to the local office, and got a M coach, and is wooing, and... Here we are.

Thanks for your update. It was very telling. From what you wrote it shows u r on the right on track. U & your sons are in the right direction. Keep to that course.

If your H decides to.... improve his habits (i.e. take a shower on a more timely basis, etc.) and improve his R & M then you and your children will have the path for his return lighted up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Don't stray from your course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L

Ok, it's official, now. The tranfer is effective 10/28, he leaves on 10/29 for training, returns 11/2, and then is here. Living here, full time.

I think I'm going to be sick. BREATHING

OMG, he is sooo excited, and I am almost paralyzed with fear.

I am not connected with my H. There was a time this past weekend when I was, but it has passed, it always passes. The thing is, I have not been able to find a way to keep any connection when he goes out of town. He does not talk to me, when he's not here; he talks to... I don't know who. The people he works with, or hangs-out with, and I don't know who else, but not me. Yes, he calls and checks-in with me, but talk, connect? No.

And don't I feel like a fool for trying to connect, for wanting it.

No, no more, no thank you.

What's missing? Trust, respect, honesty, time.

What'll change when he's here full time? Let's see - living with his expectations on a daily basis, no room for error or respite. An entirely different schedule from the one the boys and I have. Suffocation. What about to the shows I like to watch, the late baths I like to take, the books I like to read in bed? Tell me how these things fit in with his statement that "we'll have to arrange our schedule around his?"

Yes, maybe he'll talk to me, but if he wanted to talk to me, he would have been talking to me, so if he does, what is it supposed to mean to me?

You know, there was a time when this would have been my dream, and now I am so tired, and it's just so sad.

Here is where I am stuck:

I am living with - and loving - a man who not only had an affair and betrayed me on every level (none of that "my wife's a good woman and I love her but..." nope, he TOTALLY trashed me to her), and the same man told me this past June that the would still prefer to be with her, more than a year after he came home pretending he was coming to rebuild our marriage, but really planning to get that divorce they both wanted. I don't know why he's still here.

Now, he's moving back here. For what?

We're both walking on egg shells. Both afraid to tell the other what we're thinking. He get's fed-up with something and finally drops a bomb, (lately it was he"doesn't have time for himself"), and I'm to blame for his unhappiness because he's doing this all for me, and.....

And I didn't even know. I didn't know this either:

And also he "can't discipline our sons because he might do something wrong, and I'll be PO'd at him" - ok, like I've not grown at all, like I'm the big ugly boogeyman. I cannot win, I cannot do anything right, unless I'm Ms. Merry Molly Mormon every minute, because at the slightest sign I'm not cheery, then I'm a ****** - not ranting, just not being cheerful, and I'm relegated to the past behaviors.

My life is changing, and I feel powerless to stop it, or make it better, because no matter what I do, I'm not good enough - because I am not her, and she is what he wants. He said she's the "best thing that ever happened to him," but he's here, settling for second best, and I'm that second best, and I am powerless to change that. Nothing I've done, or can do is good enough. And I don't have the nerve to ask "do you still think I'm second best, do you think I could ever be not second best, and I ache with shame.

But, I found my peace, anyways, with all that, in myself, my sons, my garden, my pets, and I learned to not pine for what I want, and to have contentment without what I want, and now it's been yanked out from under me.

I started "Plan A" 2 years ago, and I have been working my tail off every day, for 2 years, and I am so, so very tired, exhausted at a level I have never been, and I'm still willing to work, but would someone PLEASE explain to H why I am so tired, and what kind of tired I am, and why a good night's sleep doesn't help?

And now, my heart and spirit feel shredded, and it's my problem to deal with, and I'm trying here, but I CAN'T CHANGE WHAT'S REAL, I CANNOT CHANGE WHAT IS NOT ME OR MINE!!! It's my responsibility to stay in this marriage, that keeps hurting me. No matter how much I love, no matter how much I want a great marriage with H, no matter what I do or am willing to do, I cannot make a great marriage, not even a contented one.

I still curl-up in his arms, glad to be there, even make - connected - love, I just don't laugh anymore.

And I love him, I honor him, I cherish him, and it breaks my heart. What if he moves back here, and he doesn't even like me?

Powerless and afraid and ashamed.

Have him get an apartment. Take time and date each other. Proof of commitment to change comes in actions not words. You have worked very hard to get where you are don't compromise your newly found self esteem based on his words alone.