I just got a letter from my soon to be ex spouse. I knew it was coming. I truly believe that he believes this is straight from his heart. The letter talked about how much he loved me, and he would take 99.9% of the blame if there is blame to be had. That he can't live without me and has loved me for years. He wants me to tell him once and for all that I don't want him. Here is the line "Are you 100% positive that you do not love me adn will in fact be happier without me in your life? I have only asked you to love me." This is his last ditch effort to win me back.

Just three years ago he was having sex with a women at my house while the kids and I were asleep. She was suppose to be a friend. How can he have loved me for years and years? Just yesterday he was telling my friends how I am trashing the house so that the appraisal will not be what it is suppose to be. That I don't do this or don't do that. He was trash talking about me. He has done nothing but start fights.

I can't imagine having sex with him again, or balancing a check book, sharing a house, living with all the control issues. I don't want to have to schedule sex, schedule a weeKly family meeting, a weekly bill meeting, a weekly go through the ads for groceries meeting, or anything like that. I don't want to live in his structured box. The longer he is gone the less stress I feel. My daughter even commented that the house is less stressful.

Do I care about him, Yes I do. But I don't want to stay married to him. Why did he write this letter? Now, when I write or call him back I am going to open all those wounds again. Since he is a black and white person he will not even understand how I can care for him but not love him like I should. It is always all or nothing for him. He has told me many times if we divorce we cannot be friends.

Please help, because once divorced I do want to get along with him and his family. We have four children together, and a lot of years a head of us.

At least hope the divorce isn't completely adversarial as you do have to deal with family functions in the future, with four kids. An attorney told me this is typical, one files for a divorce and sometimes the other - or even both - start REALLY thinking about getting a divorce, it's not just threats and in theory anymore... so obviously your ex is finally thinking about the CONSEQUENCES of his poor behavior. What did he think things could go on like this? That he could cheat and destroy trust, and still have a happy wife? I"m sure you are thinking about what you did wrong too, we all make mistakes. Strange that he's so "black and white" with rules but not in his sex life? Is he a perfectionist, did he constantly look for your flaws and criticize you? Did that make him feel justified in his cheating? Who knows how people think, it's hard to get into someone's head. Sorry you have to go through this. The decisioin is yours as you know... doesn't sound like it's getting better, other then he's "talking." Do his actions follow his words? Have they in the past?

Just write him back and keep a copy.

Dear STBXH, While I want the best for you, I cannot return your love. Your behavior over the years has destroyed the love I had for you. I will always treasure the good times we had, and I'll endevor to forget the bad times. However, I cannot and will not be your wife.

Greengables,

I like that. Thank you very much. I will write it this afternoon. If anyone else has any ideas please let me know.

Thanks

A BLACK AND WHITE person, huh?
Try this one on for size: [X] YES. I love you. [X] NO. I don't want you back in my life because of the CONTROL issues you FORCED on US as a Family. [X] YES. I am 100 percent sure of this. I'm also 100 percent sure I want you to STOP asking me these questions, because the answer will not change, not until YOU change as a person with the CONTROL issues. Goodbye, (your name)
Only my opinion.
I am sorry you have to go thru this. My heartfelt sympathy for you, but also I wish for you to have a good bright future ahead of you!
Harold

Thanks Harold. I liked everything you also but. I think I will use a little of both. I will give him the letter today.

I was feeling sorry for him UNTIL I found out that the man as made almost 40000.00 (yes forty thousand) since May. He has made 100 thousand so far this year. No wonder he wants all the child support on the 2006 taxes, and no wonder he is draging this out, he wants me to help pay back uncle sam a the end of the year, as he has very little taxes taken out of his check and he claims all the kids. I have seen very little of this money. Just a few dollars to make sure the bill are paid. He is living where he does not have to pay rent or buy groceries. Now I know why he can be disney land daddy all weekend long and buy all this stuff for the kids. I am not money hungry or anything, but right now the kids and I are living on my paycheck. He helps with a few bills, and I have bought some groceries with the joint checking account. I can't wait until this is over!