I've been D'd for a few months now. ExH and OW are still living together, 18 months now, and going strong. Talking about M.

I am having such a hard time moving on.

I am on AD's, in IC. I try and keep busy with outside activites...gardening etc. but even while I am doing those things, I am still thinking about ExH and wondering what OW has that I don't. Wondering why he hasn't woken up yet and realized what he did etc. etc.

I know I'm obsessing, but I just don't know how to stop.

IC tells me to use that energy elsewhere, stop giving ExH so much power over me. I know what I should be doing, it's just like I'm stuck in the past wishing I could rewind time.

Of course I know better. The past is done. I need to deal with the "now", but I just don't know how.

Most of my friends are married, they have their own life to deal with, so I don't hang out with them.

I haven't gone out looking for anyone yet. I know I will compare them to my ExH anyway. I guess I just can't get past the thought of being with anyone else. I mean I spent half my life with ExH. Maybe I just don't feel like starting all over again with dating etc, and who knows how it will end up. I mean I never thought my ExH would cheat on me. Who's to say it won't happen again with someone new. I guess I'm scared to put myself out there and take that chance. I've been hurt so much, I can't deal with going through it again.

I want revenge on ExH for all the pain he has caused me and my kids. I want his OW to cheat on him and dump him like he did to me. I am jealous of ExH for having someone and for being happy.

Yeah I am screwed up!!!

Catgirl,

I am sorry you are in so much pain. I struggle with wanting to see "what goes around, comes around" to people in my life that have wronged me, inc. the OW. I know deep down I am only hurting myself to go down that path.

I read something this morning that made me think and is helping me. It is if we want God to help us with our problems, then we need to help others. It is through the act of helping others that will help ourselves. Further, we need to plant seeds in order that they grow. Such as, is there any where you could volunteer? If you are lonely, be a friend to someone else. If you feel low, help boost someone else's self esteem.

Sometimes, we need to get out of our own way in order to let God work. If we think and worry less about our own situation, and more about others (in a positive way), things will change.

<<hugs>>

catgirl, I'm sorry you're having so much trouble. I think that there are probably many people who feel the way you do, it's just that you've been very open and honest about it. That is an excellent first step, so I don't see any reason why you will not be able to progress. It just might not be right away...and you will have to take it one day at a time and refuse to concern yourself with what will happen tomorrow.

I have been on this site for a while and am currently of the opinion that it helps the BS not at all when people talk about how affairs never last, or they only last two years, there's a high chance of failure, etc. I know of many that have lasted longer than that, famous people and not so famous people, people that I know and people that I know of. I think that it encourages the BS to spend their valuable time on earth waiting out some arbitrary timeframe. After a certain point, it's much better to resign yourself to what is than what is supposed to be. It's not the fog; it's reality.

We have only so much time here on earth, and, as in every recovery process, you have to decide, really decide, how you want to spend that time. It sounds like you've gotten to that point after a long, hard road.

Anyway, catgirl, are you working, either part-time or full time? If so, how do you like your job? Is it challenging?

I have found that when I am most upset what helps me is to take on a task, to challenge myself and to do something unfamiliar. I did this two years ago when my H and I were at the zenith of our troubles. I became treasurer of a volunteer organization, and got very involved in the planning process as well. It helped keep my depressed and angry thoughts at bay, since I was brushing up on my old accounting skills and getting very familiar with Excel spreadsheets and formulas. I was also very busy.

Gardening is relaxing - I'm a big gardener. The only problem with gardening is that it's easy to let your mind wander. What about taking a class in something difficult? Volunteering somewhere? I think that you need to distract yourself.

Take care.

PK

I think that is what I am doing. Listening to everyone about how A's never last etc, etc. and just waiting for his to fail.

Family members and others tell me with that age difference it won't last. Well it looks like it's going pretty strong.

I think that is what I need the most help with. To stop wishing his A will end. I want him to hurt like I am and having his A end, will accomplish that.

I know it is just hurtng me more, but it's like I'm obsessed with knowing everything about his and her life...are they happy, are they fighting etc. etc. to try and gauge if it will last or not.

I know it's crazy, but I'm just telling it like it is.

catgirl:


Crazy, no, not in the least. Honest, yes.

The problem with what you are doing is that all your focus is on him and OW; it's not on you, where it belongs, where it needs to be.

PK

I can sympathize with everything you said, Catgirl.

One thing I would like to tell you, it doesn't lessen your pain much when his affair ends. At least it didn't for me. I was relieved that OW wouldn't be part of my kids life, but that it about it. It was very hard watching exWH be heartbroken about losing OW when it didn't seem to phase him much when he lost me.

Now he is getting back in the dating world and that sucks for me to. So no matter what happens in ex-land, it really doesn't make me feel any better.

My point, you have got to get better with your life and then his won't matter as much.

I struggle with this. I am almost 40 and shocked on how little I know about what I want and like. My taste relected ex's taste. I am learning what I prefer. I have been wanting to paint my bedroom a sage color, but I haven't because ex hates that color! It is taking a long time to learn to be me and not just ex's wife.

I made a list of the qualities I want in a man. After filing that away, I had to wonder what qualities I would want for myself. I can admit, I would not want my daughters to live like I do. I would want them to live a much fuller and free life. So, that is what I am working on, becoming someone that pleases me.

I don't want to reflect on my life and have a bunch of excuses as to why it turned out the way it did.

It is slow going. I am not dating, I am social, have friends and such. I just know that I am not relationship material at this time. Frankly, I wouldn't be attracted to a man who would want me at this point. I am a pretty "blobby" person, no passion, no fire, no direction.

Plus, I still have feelings for ex, even though he is a total jerk to me. I have to figure out why I am still attracted to such a jacka$$. Why do I use my feelings for ex as a guard to keep nice people at arm's length?

Anyway, my point was, don't wait for ex's affair to end before you feel good and vindicated. BTDT, it didn't help much. his affair ended and he is still a really angry person, it didn't help our interaction. I understand your desire to see him suffer, but in my case, it just made ex more mad at me. He sees me as being OK while his life sucks.

It is all in your perception, focus on changing your perception and your reality will change.

((Catgirl))

My IC told me the same thing. If it's not this OW it will be someone else. Will that then lessen the pain?

I think in my case it might. I just HATE OW for wrecking our family. For now if things go as they plan, she will be my kid's step mother! She isn't even old enough biologically to be a mother to my kids! But as my IC pointed out to me, that it was ExH who wrecked our family too. He could have siad no to OW's advances. She said all too much, BS's blame the OP for ruining the M, where the WS had just as much a role in it.

I know that, but I think if his fantasy world falls apart and the A does end, I will feel better. He will be the one hurt now.

Maybe that's silly, but that's just how I work I guess.

As you, I still have feelings for my ExH after all the sh$t he has put me through. I guess I have such a low self esteem in that I feel I will never get anyone else again, or if I do, he won't be as well off as ExH is, or as good in bed as he was etc, etc.

Again, silly I know.

I "am' putting all of my energy into my ExH and OW. I know they aren't doing it for me, that's for sure. I just can't seem to break that cycle.

Family I talk to think I am a total a$$ for even caring about such a person after all he's put me through. They tell me to grow up and face reality. It's over, move on.

I understand that. It's just emotionally I'm having a real hard time of it.

Maybe I think if his A ends he'll realize what he did and come running back to me. I doubt it though. He's poisoned me to his family and friends already, so his pride will never allow him to do that.

Sorry for being so stubborn and all. I know I have to get a grip, I'm just having a tough time doing it.

Catgirl, I know when I was at my lowest I had some of the absolute worst days imaginable. I couldn't even get out of bed half the time. My DD's dad had to come get her because I was so sad and out of it we didn't want her around me.

And I know my sitch was not as bad as yours as I didn't really love him anymore and we didn't have kids together...but man it sure was hard. It took me about four months of no contact with him to start to climb out of my dispair. I know with children you don't have that same luxury.

But I will tell you, what helped me the most was telling myself I didn't want him anymore. I refused to think romantic thoughts of him. I absolutely refused. I made myself get over him.

Shattered Dreams suggested one day on here to me, to start imagining my life the way I wanted it to look a year from then. I was in so much pain, that that seemed like such a relief to go inside my imagination and create a new life for myself. It's exactly what I did.

Like Penaltykill, I kept busy with gardening, a huge love, as well as music and cooking. I was practically a recluse but I had this imagination thing going on where I pictured myself and my life as I wanted it to look.

Well Catgirl, three years later I have that life now. More of it is still coming, but I do have that life and two years ago I met and fell in love with the guy who I just married.

You mind is so powerful, use it to change your thoughts. You will get to a place probably very shortly where you will no longer want the pain. You will choose to start turning it around. But it's okay to stay there for a little while now. It's not been very long. It takes time.

And when my DD's dad and I split up because of his affairs, I was alone for 4 years, I didn't even date. But those were some of the happiest days of my life. Not dating was a decision I consciously made, so I never worried about if I would ever meet someone.

I guess I'm just feeling this enourmous amount of jealousy that he "is" moving on, he has someone else, planning M, and I'm still pining over him. That he had no problem replacing me with her after all the years we spent togehter. That hurts me so much you have no idea. Did I ever mean anything to him?!

I want nothing more to forget about him and get on with my life. I'm just envious he's happy and I'm not.

I'm also tired of putting on a good face in front of my kids, friends, family, whatever. I wish I just could be myself, but that would be pitiful...crying all the time etc. So I have to put on an act like I'm over ExH, Im happy etc. which I'm not.

That in itself is exhausting.

Who gives a crap what he is. You are going to be way happier, and you are not going to have to destroy your spouse and children to get it.

It's too bad you just couldn't be alone somewhere for a few days somewhere. Any way of taking off by yourself for a weekend, just to be by yourself and act how you want? Spend all weekend walking around somewhere or in your room crying if that is what you feel like.

Would your family help you out in this way?

Weaver,

I did go away for 2 nights, just to the shore, a week after my D.

I spent $60/night on a hotel room. For what? All I thought about the whole time was what could have been, what should have been, what does OW have that I don't, why did he leave me for her etc. etc.

My IC is trying to work with me on letting go. I am just so jealous of him and OW. I feel like such a jerk for even saying it.

They went on a 10 day vacation recently. That should have been "me" on that vacation with him. I am jealous of him doing things with her that should have been with "me". He's happy, I'm miserable.

He brings her home flowers all the time. Never did that for "me".

I know I sound like a real wacko, but I'm just really trying to be honest with myself and you guys as to where I am at.


I was thinking on upping my AD's myself. Obviuously they aren't working.

catgirl,
I just ended a relationship with the man I was 5 weeks away from marrying. I am having trouble moving on and hold on to good memories. I hurt because it doesn't bother him and he can move on so easily, while I hurt enormously. I just can't see how he can do it since he proclaimed to love me more than life itself and I was the center of his world and his soul. I do understand your despair and can relate.

You don't sound like a whacko at all. You sound like someone who has a broken heart. It is hard, very hard but it won't last forever.

Please try what I said worked for me. Try to stop the thoughts of them. Try to stop torturing yourself.

Imagine yourself living the life you want, with a faceless, nameless man (if that interests you at all). Every time you think of him, quickly replace that thought. Use a mental image of a stop sign if you have to.

I don't know if I would up the A/D's if I were you. If you are feeling worse while on them tell your doctor. It is very imortant you tell your doctor if you are feeling worse. If they are not working, please don't increase them. What if more of them just makes you feel more worse?

Tally, five weeks is very soon. Way too soon to be feeling better over a broken engagement. It takes time. And if he really is feeling okay and happy already, he was NOT the man for you. That probably doesn't help, but it is the truth.

I agree, I am torturing myself. Ever since I heard about their life, I am constantly imagining.. what are they doing now, where would they be going now. I even asked about OW and maybe I should start dressing like her or getting things she has..certain kinds of make up or cologne. Even me reading this back to myself I sould like such a nut! I could imagine what you all think of me!

I think I am having a harder time now than when I first found out, because I know now that he is REALLY moving on without me. Not that I didn't think he would, but I guess I thought maybe, just maybe, he might realize he made a mistake and come back, or at least maybe he would be one of the A's that would burn out after 2 years. Looks like it's cemented now though.

I really try to think of my future with someone else. I guess because I spent half my life with him, thinking I would be with him forever, I'm having a hard time thinking I have to start all over again.

I'm getting to the point where I envy married people. I was at a place the other night and these woman were talking about..my H did this and another would say.. oh my H did this. I just hated listening because I have no H!

I go out for coffee or wherever and see people with wedding rings on. I think how lucky they are to have someone.

I know I have to get a grip, but these are just things that are running through my mind.

I called my Dr. He does not want me to up my AD's. I told him I have been on them 18 months now, maybe I need a different one. I have already tried 2 others and he feels this is the best fit for me right now. I don't see them working.

Catgirl,

I am a very obsessive thinker, maybe that is part of your problem, too. Since my problem is my overactive thought processes, I tried to use my busy brain to my advantage.

I do believe you can train your brain and help you get over this block you have. I had two different strategies, one for when ex was still with OW, and one for after the A was over.

While Ex was still with OW, I would just spend some time imagining them blissfully happy for the long term and trained my brain to be OK with that. I actively looked for the advantages to that potential situation. I learned to pity OW, she never knew the great man that my Ex used to be, she only knew this lying, sneaky, snake-in-the-grass. I prayed for Ex's happiness and my peace with that.

After the A was over, those lovey dovey feelings crept back up. Ex was being a little more decent to me and I lapped up every word like a love sick teenager. (To clarify, he wasn't being nice, he just stopped yelling at me and being a pr!ck all the time). So now, I had to retrain again. It sounds silly and gross, but here is what I did. Everytime I saw Ex or thought fondly of him, I brought up my negative mental picture. (For me, the picture was Ex having a homosexual relationship with this guy that I detest, both of them reeking with rotten teeth and covered with body lice).

Everytime I felt a loving feeling, I pictured my negative thought in my mind. To me, it was just like breaking a bad habit, aversion therapy if you will.

Deep, deep down, I still love my Ex, I hope we can be amicable for the kids, I do hope he is happy one day. But that pangy, longing, hurting because he is not here, that is so much less now. I can make a conscience decision whether to give in to it. Just the other day, I was thinking about the upcoming Christmas, I felt a pang, I let it happen. I will honor the marriage by feeling grief every once in a while. Then I let it go and went on with my day.

Oh, that "honoring the marriage by grieving it", that was a big thing for me. I think I needed to prove my love for Ex by being consumed with grief. Then I decided I didn't have to prove it to anyone, I know my heart.