My husband and i have been married for 18 yrs. I was 18 and he was 26 when we married. He's always given me the world, treated me well and I've never even thought about another. In April 2005 I cheated on him. I didn't have sex but I almost did. This was with a man I worked closely with for 4 yrs. Oddly enough, I respected him for his family values, fairness, and the appreciation he had for me. When he transferred to another town there were 9 months that we only talked once or twice--nothing major. This happened when we were having a going away party for him because he was being transferred out of state. We hugged, he tried to kiss and I resisted but felt something. He emailed to apologize and I told him not to that I was feeling something too. A couple days later I went to his office with goodbye gift. He hugged, attempted to touch a few places without success, tried to kiss and I resisted again. We had a few flirty emails and I ended up asking him to meet me halfway so we could figure things out--maybe have lunch. When I got there, got into his truck, he informed me he got a room! Stupid me went with him knowing I didn't want to have sex. When I didn't he never had anymore contact with me. I didn't want to believe he was a player so I tried everything to get him to respond. Reality finally set in so I left him alone. Since I had no intention of ever seeing him again, I let it go and didn't tell my husband. He found out by accident in July of 2006. Our fights are nonstop and I'm afraid we're doing more harm than good. Help please?

So, what exactly did you do when you went to his room? How did you husband find out about such incident?

fskw,

I read your other thread, too. Best to keep it all on one thread.

From a BW standpoint, I felt the things your BH is feeling and what I needed most from my WH during those times where I was really struggling was patience, validation, and remorse.

It has been a year since your H found out...what have you done in that time to make him feel safe in the marriage and convince him that you are sorry and committed to the M?

It helps to say things like:
"I know...I'm so sorry I hurt you and our marriage...you are right, what I did was awful...I was stupid, I want to understand why I did it myself...what do you need from me, I want to help you feel safe...I am here to stay...I love you..."

Sometimes the BS just needs to get out some feelings, and if WS stays patient, validating, remorseful and loving, it goes a long way in diffusing the intensity of the feelings for the moment.

Also, have you shared with your H all the details you wrote above? If not, that is a must...he needs the whole picture so he knows what he is trying to heal from.

Blessings,
Glad

Like I said in your other thread, and others have said too, you have got to realize that an EA is as damaging to the betrayed spouse (BS) as a physical one (PA).

Your husband is deeply hurt right now, and has a good reason too. Not that I'm trying to make you feel more guilty, I just want to point out that if you can't understand how hurt he is, you will not be able to recover your marriage.

Like I said before, you need to go to plan A right now, even if you are not the BS. You have got to come clean on everything, radical honesty is what you have to do right now. You have to begin applying the MB principles NOW. Read the basic concepts, read about ENs, LBs and all the other topics. That's where you have to start, IMO.

Your story is similar to mine (to many other people here too... these are typical patterns). You have a great advantage compared to me though, your H is WILLING to work at it and he is still around. You are lucky, I have to work with a spouse that has completely withdrew from the relationship and has moved out. But that's because I waited too long to act. If you act now, you can save this marriage.

fskw,

Takes two to fight. Don't be one of them.

When your BH speaks, listen.

Listen to what he's saying...don't take it in about you...hear his stuff as his...and repeat what you heard him say, for clarity...acknowledgment and validation that his feelings right then are real. His opinions are real and very important to hear.

You lied to your BH every day you did not tell him about your A. That adds to the crud...and though you weren't fighting nonstop then...it's a good part of why you're fighting nonstop now.

He's hurting double...reactive to both the time he didn't know was happening...and to the continued betrayal for a year.

Have been transparent over the last year and a half? Do you know your real whys as to you choosing to have the EA and continue to lie to your BH, which makes true marital intimacy (knowing and being known) impossible? Cuts your BH out of the marriage?

How much have you really learned about yourself, what you act from, make your choices...where you draw your own lines and hold yourself to them?

Get a recovery plan...include MC, IC, books, date nights, 15 hours of UA, communication exercises...demonstrate your commitment to your marriage through your actions, your choices.

All these questions are part of recovery...and it was how I learned the dimenions to my own power and limits, to change my life totally, and to have authentic intimacy with my DH. I know you can do this...comes down to what you choose and why...so it's totally up to you.

Welcome...

LA