Post deleted by LTKramer

What you are feeling is the white elephant that is in the room. Have you told your wife you overheard her phone calls? You need to tell her what you heard. Then tell her how it made you feel. Tell her you are sorry she feels that way about you and ask her what you can do to work on your marriage. Tell her how you feel about her both physically and emotionally. Tell her your fears about the marriage falling apart. TALK to your wife!

Suam,

Ahead of you. Did so last Friday everything that you mentioned and inquired as to why she felt that way. Same song and dance "I feel pressure for SF" when I am drinking because you like doing it when I am drinking".

Discussed how I could help her bring the wall down "Nothing, its my problem and I'll have to fix it".

Also discussed the signs and symptoms list in the different phases of "Womens Infidelity" by Michelle Langley. Didn't expose the source of my concerns and her admitting to:

Avoiding touches for fear it might lead to intimate encounter. answer - yes

Avoids going to bed when I do for fear that it might lead to intimate encounter - answer - yes

Good conversation, no yelling, not very productive though.

Thanks for the reply, look forward to future ones <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So what is the pertainance of the "White Elephant"??

In your case there is something there, real or imagined and it is not being talked about. Your wife said she doesn't want to be touched because she is afraid it would lead to sex. Ask her if she would like to be touched/held in a non-sexual way with NO expectation of sex? Maybe start slow like brush her hair from her face, smile and continue on with what you were doing before. You have touched her and there was no sex. Does that make sense? Maybe flirt with her with no expectation of sex? I'm afraid I am not one to help with a partner who doesn't want to be touched.

Also, do you date? Is there any way you could re-create your first date? Bring her to a place that is special to you both?

Yes, yes and yes. Thanks for asking. Have done ALL of the above.

What I have here is me watching my wife hold something inside that is eating her up. I have been watching for five years. I have tried everything from every angle to get her to open up and have been unsuccessful in all attempts.

Frustrated and do not know what else to do.

Maybe I should not kick a dead horse or a sleeping dog?

Has she been drinking heavily for five years?

Have you ever read "Mars & Venus in the Bedroom"?

Thanks Weaver. Not what I would consider "heavily", sometimes more heavily than others, especially when it appears that something must be eating at her??

No I have not read the book....enlighten me on the high points please <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The highpoints are the differences in men and women in the bedroom, and they are very big differences. Saumico gave you some stuff, but there is a lot more that would benefit you and all men, in my opinion. The book even helped me to understand how different we are, and I am a newlywed, so we aren't having any difficulty, but it still helped me to understand why he is the way he is.

It's a lot about approach, but it is also a lot about physical diffences and how women are aroused.

Do yourself a favor and get it from the library.

As for her drinking, this is a white elephant too. She will not likely change while she is drinking the way she is. Drinking is used as an escape and a numbing agent or sedative. You have heard it before that people do not grow emotionally while doing drugs or drinking heavily. It's true.

It's a problem LT, so don't overlook it.

I have to go LT, but first wanted to give you some ideas on influencing her in a positive way with the drinking.

Try to plan and engage her in activities where drinking is not doable. If she is not interested at first, you do them without her with the idea that she will join in later. Both activities with the kids and without. Both are needed for your marriage and R.

Do not make an issue out of the drinking, unless it is that you will no longer be doing it, or unless is a decision to leave because of it.

Bad habits and addictions become larger the more they become the focus.

It is better to replace them with positive habits, than to try and stop them by shear will power or to be guilted into it.

How do you get rid of the constant jitters in the stomach? I would rather have someone beat the ****** out of me!!

I dint feel like I know her anymore!! She is an entirely different person than the one I married!!

I am totally confused. Do I just go with the flow while continuing EN and avoiding LB?

Therre is a "White Elephant" in the room when we are together.

Talk about a roller coaster ride!!

Trying to be calm, advice suggestions and or recommendations are appreciated.

I'm sorry you are going through this LTK. How are you doing today? Your wife has some serious issues and although you can love and support her, you can't fix her. I like the idea of activities that do not involve drinking. Also, I had another thought. Does you wife seem to drink at a specific time of day? Say she seems to want a drink to wind down around 6pm after dinner. So maybe you suggest a walk after dinner.

LTK,
Do you pressure for sex when she is drinking?

Thanks Suam,

No not at all. I dont know where all this alledged "pressure" is coming from unless she assumes that it is something that she should be doing or that it is something to be expected. Don't know.

But should this be a topic? Should this be a measure of concern assuming that the other spouse isn't asking or demanding something that is unethical???

I dont get it??? But I guess that it is not the first time that has happened to me!!

Thanks again for your time and consideration.

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