It has been a very busy week, with all the work Jennifer Harley gave us to do, not much time to update anyone.
Things are going well, most of the time exceeding any of my expectations. We are still finding our 15+ hours together and we are paying close attention to protecting each other no matter what.
I was asked by C to read "surviving an affair" and "His needs Her needs" this week and to fill out my emotional needs list. Finishing all this today as we have another appointment tonight.
We also met with our local family C and she was extremly pleased with our families progress.
I still struggle some with sleeping, can't slow my mind down sometimes with all that has happened this past year. I am processing so much information and I recognize it may take a while still to calm my mind.
Wife and I are praying together for each other, hasn't happened in so long that I am getting choked up every time we do.
I have several appointments with close friends next week to make ammends and disclose the details of my A.
Keep praying for SMB and myself, that we stay focused in the here and the now and our recovery.
....and thanks for keeping an eye on me.

TST from your description of your postnup, if your wife gets tired of you and asks for a divorce a year from now, ten years from now, twenty years from now ... you have to give her all your assets? I hope I am misunderstanding.

I don't care how wrong you are or how badly you behaved, you should have taken that document to your own lawyer. To have signed it suggests you have passed all the way through Remorse and well into Self-Hatred.

I am not sure you kept up with my wifes story (SexyMamaBear).
This post-nup was part of her list she put together with the help of many people prior to allowing me back in to her life.
This for me is not about Remore or self-hatred it is about restoring trust and following through with all her requirements. This for me is an act of love.

Pay no attention to that post TST....

stay the course.

tst

Yes this helps her to believe that you will do whatever it takes. You are willing to protect her and your children. That's a huge step.

I'm sure you are getting some very good advice from Jennifer so I'll not attempt to give you any right now. Just know we are here.


One thought though...the first few months of recovery are very intense. Lots and lots of A talk. It seems that it's the only thing either one of you can think about. This will ease. It will get better and easier.


Haven't seen much of SMB here. Let her know she is missed.

God bless.

Great job, tst, just stay the course. You are in good hands with Dr. Chalmers!

TST I peeked over at SMB's a week ago. Long. And it boils down to, you were a complete cad and recidivist.

Let's assume that you were the biggest cad and recidivist on this planet, and you are now the most remorseful, willing to make up for everything you did wrong and then some. You STILL should have had someone on your side of the table looking over the language for pitfalls, pitfalls that maybe your wife had not even intended. And that is a lawyer's function, not to throw their body between you and the dotted line, but to tell you how this will be interpreted under varying future scenarios. Funny, it is usually uncontroversial and uncontested advice, to have the benefit of a lawyer's review, I don't know what to make of the little shriek that came as a result of my post.

If you had inserted a simple clause sunsetting this Sword of Damacles at some point, or amortizing it over the course of a long period of time, would SMB have objected? Probably not, and if she did it would have told you something.



Yes I read about The List. Good that SMB made a list. But were any of the People That Helped looking out for you in particular, or even in passing, even in parenthesis? Certainly they were looking out for her, and even there she engaged a lawyer for advice and write-up.

So..I'll ask again and then I'll shut up, cause it seems I am up against a Handelian chorus telling you how great it is that you are drinking all your Koolaid:

If thirty years from now, SMB turns to you and says, "TST you got old and fat, I want a divorce", do you have to turn over all your assets to her? If that is true, are you still OK with that? Are you OK being a poor old man?

This is a fair question right? Shouldn't there have been some sunsetting provision? Some amortization, albeit long term? Tell me I'm wrong. And don't fault your marriage counselor for not seeing this, this is not his/her job.

People change, years pass and feeling change. All sorts of things can happen over the long term, which is why people hem and haw so much over contract language that is long term

Regards

rabbit

I think a wife that put up with all that SMB put up with has proven herself to be someone that wants this M to work. I don't think that TST had any leverage to change terms or suggest an out as you are saying. Frankly, if she changes and leaves him "poor"...that is a consequence of his actions since they are what precipitated the post nup.
I'm sure that TST and SMB do not see things as you do right now...and I am thankful for that. For if TST would have taken the advice you are now offering, their M surely would not have recovered.
I suggested a 80/20 or 75/25 split due to circumstances. But bottom line is, TST created an environment where SMB was able to rightly dictate the terms for her remaining in the M. I say TST is a lucky, lucky man and that SMB did what she should have done to protect herself moving forward.

Yes, this is a fair question. I don't consider this a wrong question! And having studied law, I have a very good understanding of what I am doing, and my wife knows this, which is why she never thought I would ever consider this. Her security is also the one area of our marriage that caused her great fear. She knew I would be a broken and changed man if I were ever to agree to such a request.
I even laid out my willingness to give full custody of our children as a condition ....and this frightens me far more than money ever would.... she said she wouldn't ask me to do that.
To answer your qustion am I willing to be a poor old man?
Yes!
Am I willing to turn over all assets to her if she wants out later?
Yes!
It truly is an act of love for me.
I do appreciate your questioning and I do consider your questions to be fair and deserving of a little more detail from me.
I hope you see where I am in this is where I want to be.
thanks,

********************************edit**********************

Window 90 -

sounds like you know alot about SMB and myself for only being registered for five days as a junior member. Care to explain who you were registered as prior to this week.

I really don't appreciate your Love Busting comments - they appear designed to be attacking our Recovery.

Maybe you could do some reading about MB's before feeling qualified to comment

***********************edit*******************

Window90,

I don't understand your motives here.

You post nice encouraging words to me, and then post this [email]cr@p[/email] to my H.

We are working hard to recover our marriage--which happens to be the whole point of MBers. What you have posted here in no way helps us in that. The only point to your post was to discourage tst, which only causes more grief in a situation where this is already enough to go around.

Please leave us alone.

I often hear people say "When life hands you lemons, make lemonaid!"

I get kind of tired of hearing some things over and over, but sometimes it's good to stop and think.......

If you two want to be happy, what else can you do at this point?

There are things that you used to have, that you don't have any more. (Trust is one) However, you still have great blessings. Sometimes, (Especially when the bad parts get to you) it's good to think on what you do have.

SS

SMB and TST...I am going to make a suggestion to the both of you here. When you see anyone here attack or demean either one of you at this critical stage in your recovery...especially a newcomer, I would STRONGLY suggest that you immediately put the poster on ignore.

There is no reason to listen to the vitriol of a new poster that obviously does not have the best interest of your marriage at heart.

In reality, do you really expect this person to add anything to your recovery? I don't. So, focus forward and ignore the ignorance of this poster.

tst-

What I see is a man who is willing to do whatever it takes to help heal the damage he has done in his M. The thing is, "doing whatever it takes" is "whatever it takes." It will be different in every M. No one can define it for you and SMB.

As far as your motives for what you are doing-only God can truly judge the motives of your heart.

But, your actions show true repentance which is defined as turning away from the past behavior.

Ps.51:17 "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

I John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

You also are working towards restoring your M. Part of that is restitution-"repaying" as it were-what you have destroyed and/or taken from the relationship.


"Being confident of this, that He who began this good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ. Phil 1:6

Hang in there

exactly

TST - I think you are doing a great job. I am SO GLAD you came home early and comforted SMB the way you did. It's obvious how much that meant to her.

As a FWS, I will tell you it will take a while to earn SMB's trust again, but it will be VERY worthwhile.

Hang in there!

Post Deleted by Observing75


Observing75 aka Observing76

hey a-hole...the questions were already deleted. Why be disrespectful to Justuss and TST by continuing.