Hi everyone:<P>I've been following this site with interest for the past few months and really need some advice.<P>By way of background, I am the betrayer. I have been with my husband for 5 years, and started an affair with a single co-worker about 3 months ago. My husband and I are in counselling -- he does not know about the OM, but the therapist does. My husband and I have had our share of ups and downs. I almost betrayed him 2 years ago. I told him about my feelings for that OM, which really hurt him, but we were able to get past it. Things were better for a while, but I guess we didn't really deal with the issue, because here I am.<P>I feel so torn right now. I love my husband, but I also love the OM. I have read all of Dr. Harley's articles and know that I am probably just living in fantasy land and that the relationship with the OM probably wouldn't work. However, the OM is a very special person. He possesses many special qualities. He is very open and affectionate, and makes me feel very loved. I think we could be very happy together. I try not to give him false hope, but he is just patiently waiting for me to make up my mind. He has been alone for so long, and really deserves to be with someone who loves him.<P>It's strange, because when I am with my husband, I miss the OM very badly, yet when I am with the OM, I miss my husband. They meet such different needs for me, and I can't imagine not having one of them in my life (unbelievably selfish, I know).<P>I feel so responsible for both men's happiness. The pressure is overwhelming -- I know that someone is going to get hurt, and that I am going to be responsible for that pain.<P>I know I have issues to deal with, and I also know that I have to deal with these issues or else they will continue to crop up again and again, whether I am with my husband, the OM, or someone else. I am hoping that therapy will help.<P>Phew... sorry this is so long. Any advice would be greatfully appreciated. I am particularly interested in knowing how other betrayer's made their choices, why they made the choices they did, and how they got through this.<P>Thanks!<P>P.S. As an aside, my husband and I are dealing with infertility. It seems like this is the latest in a never ending series of hurdles in our marriage. The OM doesn't want children, which I think may be what attracted me to him in the first place. No pressure to have kids. Just a theory....<BR>

I think if you leave your H you will regret it. You say you still love him. He's the one you chose to spend your life with.<P>Don't let the allure of an attraction or infactuation to someone else destroy what the two of you have. It won't be worth it. You will have to live with what you did (destroying your marriage, and possibley, your H) for the rest of your life. It will always be there between you and OM. Do you want a relationship that was born out of pain?<P>Your H obviously loves you very much. Many men won't go to counseling. This shows he cares about you and the marraige. I think you will have so many less regrets staying with your H and committing to love him with all that you are. Good Luck<P>p.s. you need to get the OM entirely out of you life and give everything you have to your H. Your his W, not the OM. <p>[This message has been edited by hurtingwife (edited October 12, 1999).]

I think you should stick with your therapist for now and have a good look at the relationship with your father. Our secondary relationship is usually ruled by our primary so who are you really trying to stick it to - your H your OM or your Dad?

Hi kl,<BR>I too had deep feelings for the OM, but realized fairly early on that my "love" for the OM was me trying to get back what I had with my H. My H had been angry for about two years prior to my attraction because of my desire to go back to school. I desperately wanted to feel ok about being in school, and the OM did that because he was also a student. Still, he wasn't nearly the man my H was (or used to be), so I ended it. I did miss him for awhile, but it faded as I threw all of my energy back into my marriage. I didn't confess what I did until about 6 months after I ended it. I will tell you one thing though. Alot of people here will tell you to confess, but I am against it unless it is very deliberate and thought out and I will tell you why. <BR> <BR>First, telling your husband will not help YOU solve your infidelity problem. Your behavior is not his fault or his problem, it is yours and you need to get it fixed. You need to feel confidant that it is fixed before you even THINK of telling him. There are plenty of people here that are not having their needs met that don't cheat, so I don't agree with Harley that unmet needs CAUSE affairs, maybe make them more likely, but it is bad behavior choices that CAUSE affairs. <P>You will have enough on your hands dealing with fixing your problem without having to deal with your husband's hurt and anger, at least for the time being. Your husband may or may not be the best person to turn to for help. That is your decision. However, if preservation of your marriage is your TOP priority, then the decision to confess should be based not on the lofty ideals sometimes presented on this forum, but on your knowledge of your husband and what you are willing to endure. If you are willing to endure your husband's anger and a life time of not trusting you in order to purge your secret, then tell. If you can live with this secret, then do so. Telling him will not solve your problem and will not lessen your guilt. What is done, is done, and nothing you do, not confessing, nothing will take that back. Fix it with the help of a therapist, then put it behind you if possible.

I am on the other side of this coin. H is betraying me. It hurts so much that I have become a shell of a woman, don't do this to your H. You will destroy him, just like I have been destroyed. It will be difficult for me to start living a normal life again, it is a big deal. How can anyone, feel any happiness with another person when, eventually, the one you are married to gets destroyed. PLEASE RECONSIDER WHAT YOU ARE DOING.<P>***Marriage*****THE MOST IMPORTANT CONTRACT YOU WILL EVER ENTER INTO AND THE MOST SACRED******** its not just a piece of paper.

Hi kl,<P>As a betrayer myself, I know the huge indecision you are going through. But eventually, it'll have to end. If you don't do something yourself, at some point in time things will be taken out of your hands. Either the OM will stop being so patient and start making demands or putting pressure on you, or your husband will discover your affair.<P>So you must make a decision one way or the other. My personal opinion is that you stay with your husband. You are <B>married</B> to him. He's the one you owe your love to. Let me ask you this -- the love you feel for the OM, didn't you feel that way for your husband at one time too? You must work to get that back, and make your marriage affair-proof.<P>The feelings you have for the OM are not a fantasy. I know that from experience. But there <B>is</B> a fantasy involved. And that is thinking that your life with the OM will be more happy than the life you can have with your husband. You must learn good relationship skills.<P>Sheesh... I'm probably not being very helpful...but I think you know what the right decision is, otherwise you wouldn't be on this website -- the <B>marriage builders</B> website... <P>--andy

Just do the right thing ....<BR>

I think, in yourself, you truly know what the right thing to do is. The needs that the OM is filling for you now, your H once filled. Discontinue seeing this OM. Focus on your marriage to your H. Your H deserves this chance and so does your marriage. You married your H for better or for worse. Use the tools that Harley and your therapist advises, and also this forum to lead you back to recovery. Best of luck...

Hi kl,<P>I'm not sure how much help I'll be as I'm still in withdrawal and my marriage is shakey but here goes. I am also a betrayer, married 8 years (anniv. today), also had an affair with a co-worker, lasted 2 years. It makes it extremely difficult to move on seeing the OM everyday. Everyone has told me to find another job.<P>I have also been in counseling for about a month but I am going alone. My husband has also agreed to go and has been OK with me going alone first. He does not know about the OM and the counselor feels I need to discuss this issue first and get over the OM before I can decide on my marriage. For me, it was just impossible (getting better it's been 8 weeks now) to work on my marriage when I was mourning the OM so badly. It's still hard and I know it clouds my judgement. You said your therapist knows, so maybe you've been going alone as well.<P>You said you love your husband and the OM. How is it different for you? Every marriage has ups and downs and it would be the same with your OM. I know it's hard to see that now, but you don't live with him or see him that much so it's not comparing "apples to apples" with him and your husband.<P>What problems are you experiencing in your marriage? You mentioned infertility. Me & my husband are still discussing children, he's really unsure if he wants them, this was one of the attractions to my OM because he loves children.<P>You married your husband and made a commitment to him. Even though I know you feel torn now, I think you'll feel peace inside if you try to make your marriage work and say goodbye to the OM. You have to break all contact with OM and withdrawal is so hard but time does heal. I know there's no guarantees but if you don't try in your marriage, you might regret it in the future.<BR>

Thank you everyone for your advice. I know in my heart what the right thing to do is, but I am finding it extremely difficult to carry through with it.<P>Hummingbird, our stories are very similar. I don't know how I am going to continue working with the OM. We both love our jobs and neither want to leave. We discussed what would happen if things didn't work out between us, and he said he could continue working with me, but that he would probably be very distant towards me. I don't know if I could stand that -- we were very good friends before the affair, and I know that I have now lost that friendship for good. <P>Hummingbird, how did you say goodbye to your OM?

kl,<P>Your story has me squirming in my chair, cuz it's very similar to mine! We (OW and I) also worked together. I was very good friends with her before I had any kind of romantic feelings for her. I mourn that great friendship we had more than anything! When it broke off between us, I <B>had</B> to leave where I was working, because it was just too much torture to see her every day. I've been working at my new job now for close to a month (with a two week vacation stuck in there). Like Hummingbird says, withdrawal is pure hell!<P>If you plan on breaking it off with the OM and working on your marriage, you'll simply have to leave your current job, terrible as that sounds. <P>--andy<p>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited October 12, 1999).]

kl,<P>I agree with Andy that the feelings I felt for my OM were very real. I actually still feel I loved him more than husband, that's makes it so hard . But the fantasyland is <BR>definitely thinking that everything would be so wonderful. I know we'd argue but I just didn't see the struggle I have now. It makes it very difficult but I know I have try in my marriage, it's the right thing to do.<P>My OM was married and has a very young son. He broke it off with me when I finally decided I would leave my husband for him. He still claimed his undying love for me but just couldn't bare to leave his son. This totally broke my heart, I truly believed in him and us as being so "perfect" together. Over the two year period of our affair I had broken up with many times because I had overwhelming guilt and felt strongly it wasn't "right" to leave for eachother, we should try to make our marriages work first and then if that failed we'd end up together. I finally changed my mind recently after he constant pursuing of me, he attempted to leave his family for a weekend and reality hit him (selling his house, putting his child in daycare, visitation rights, etc.) and he couldn't do it. In a way though this had made it easier on me because I didn't make the final decision to end it. I know this isn't helping you because your OM is not married but you are and you know it's the right thing to do to work on your marriage. <P>My OM was an escape for all my problems in my marriage. Everytime something happened, I'd fall on him. Sometimes now I feel lost, because he's no longer there. <P>I know about the friendship part. We were very good friends for a year before the affair started. I miss that the most . I know how hard it is, but you can't be friends. I tried it all the other times I broke it off with him and that's how we always ended up back together. It won't work. <P>I'm at a point now that I can't look at him. Working together stinks. I also love my job, and we've been distant and it does help but it's very hard he'll still there. I keep thinking maybe eventually the feelings will fade with no communication, but then I hear his laughter and it hurts. <P>I work for a large company, my OM will be moving to another location soon (I can't wait), so I'm hoping that will save me from having to look for another job. I would recommend leaving if you can't get away from him somehow at your current job.

Thanks airheart and Hummingbird. I hope when the time comes, I can be as strong as you both.<P>Best of luck.

HI KL:Well i am also in a situation where i said goodbye to om 2 weeks ago and i can say it was the hardest thing i ever had to do.I cried so much i could barely see out of my swollen eyes and had to call in sick to work.If you want to e-mail me please do ok or i also have icq,i don't want to say my icq# here in public but if you e-mail me we can talk ok..my e-mail is chatwithu35@hotmail.com Maybe we can help one another through this ok.......Janice...;-)

kl--<BR>This may sound crazy, but the fact that you are torn between your husband and the OM may be a good thing. I was a betrayer myself and felt that I didn't love my husband at all...at least you can say that you love your husband and miss him when you are with the OM. I think that you might regret leaving your husband...it sounds like he means too much to you.<P>You can probably work on getting the emotional needs that you're getting from the OM from your husband.<P>It will be extremely difficult to let the OM go, but you have to be fair to him as well. Withdrawl will be hell, but it will get easier as time goes on.<P>My story is similar to Hummingbirds and Airhearts. My OM was ready to leave his wife...but then reality hit and he just couldn't do it. I had alot to overcome...first being the fact that I was rejected by the OM and still loved him and second that I felt absolutely no love for my husband.<P>I know it's hard but, things will be much easier for you in the long run if you work on your marriage and let the OM go. I don't know how your marriage is, but it sounds like you shouldn't give it up so easily.

Kl<P> I have to side with the majority of replys so far. <BR> You said that you love your H. You must give him a chance, he must have been 'a special person' at one time or you never would have married him. I think it must be a male thing that if things appear to be going OK with no complaints from W - everything must be fine. I found out well after the fact that is not true. God, I wish I knew.<BR> It sounds like your H is willing to make your marriage work by going to counselling with you, I don't know if I would have at the time. Faced with go or D, I guess I would have, although I wouldn't have had a clue why. You gotta LOVE him for being willing.<BR> Have you and H done the 'His needs, her needs' questionaire? Maybe you have not recognized his needs as well as him not having a clue to your needs. You both owe it to each other. Assuming you both are of good will and wanting to save your marriage, it can lead to a number of meaningfull soul searching discussions between the both of you, you owe it to him and yourself to become aware of each others needs. I hope you can work it in your counselling, or in addition to the counselling without letting your H know of your affair - AT THIS TIME!!! Eventually you will have to tell him. Each case is different, but if 'HONESTY" is on either of your 'Needs" list, it must come out. You will have to determine the timing.<BR> A few months ago, I was informed by W of a 2 year affair 20 years ago. Why tell me now? I was falling into another spell of taking her for granted, spending too much time with my business and she was not happy. Could have knocked me over with a feather, shook the foundation of my life. I think she told me because she wanted to have a loving relationship with me that she felt was missing.<BR> It worked, I love her so much that I have become almost obsessed with learning what I have done wrong in the past, that I am on a search to learn what WE can and must do to make our marriage the best it can be. It is very emotional for both of us, but we feel that for the first time, we can say anything to each other. <BR> Over 30 years of marriage, and we only now can fully open up?? Don't let this happen to you!!!!!!!<BR> The wounds of her past infidelity (even 20 years old) are still very raw - hurts like I never would have believed. How could you hurt someone you supposed to love more???? That is why I say wait to tell H until your marriage is on a better foundation.<BR> PLEASE! Immediately terminate the relationship with OM if you have the slightest feeling that you want to save your marriage. Quit your job if that is the only to get away from OM. <BR> A single guy that is willing to have an affair with a married woman has a charactor flaw, what other flaws does he have that you can's see right now? You owe it to yourself and your H to make every effort to make your marriage as loving as possible. I only wish I knew of Dr. Harley and his principals many years ago.<BR> W and I are working to make our marriage the best it can be, it is now an ongoing process, and the process will work.<BR>We are in our fiftys now and will have less years to share our happiness with each other.<BR> You and your H are still very young, spend the time now and go through whatever pain is necessary so you can have a happy marriage for many more years to come.<P> <BR>Feel free to email <BR>lovinghubby@hotmail.com<P>God bless<BR>LH<P>PS Put the issue of having children as a lesser priority for the time being. You need to resolve your marriage first. You need a strong marriage to have children. Children will not bring you closer together if the marriage is not strong. The child will pay the price of a weak marriage or divorce.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by loving hubby (edited October 12, 1999).]

Hi kl, I read your post with interest as you sound exactly like my H at the moment. You say when you are with OM you miss your H and when you are with H you miss OM and this is exactly what my H is doing and has been for the last year. I will follow your story with interest as I would like to know how you get the strength to end it with OM (if you do) as it might help me understand my H a bit more. My H has continued to tell me that he loves me but that he also loves OW too and he doesn't want to hurt either of us. He has ended it with her a number of times but always goes back when she calls him because he misses her again. Perhaps you would have some insight into what I could do to help him make his ultimate decision.<BR>

kl:<BR>obviouly you have the problem. if you loved your husband, you would not be with the OM, and if your love was true for the OM, you would tell your H. The next thing you will post is that God brought the two of you together (you and the OM)Its apparent you want both men in your life, one to fill what the other one wont and/or cant. CAll a chapter of SLAA, sex and love addicts anonymous, (your addicted)and nothing will happen until you admit it. get help, you will be hurting only yourself in the long run. get out of the affair, (you cant do it by yourself, you need professional help bad)<BR>God helps them who help themselves...put the shoe on the other foot. What would you want your H to do if the sit. was reversed?