Thank you noodle, all of those statements are correct.

I treated her like crap. I wasnt ready to be married or commit.

I just spoke with her, she agreed to come by my house and for me to meet her outside, she didnt wanna come in she says cause she doesnt wanna get anyone sick.


Ill post afterwards how I feel and how she acts

Ok I met her at a gas station beside of her road cause she didnt wanna drive to my house.


She pulled up and I asked her to sit in the car with me which she kinda rolled her eyes about.

She sat in the car with me and I hugged her and kissed her on her cheek. Shes not feeling good, shes fairly sick, i told her I hoped she gets better and if theres anything I can do for her.

I held her hand and told her very sincerely that I wanted to be a good husband for her. I also told her if her leaving me would make her happy than ill do that for her. She didnt say much but we hugged while I was saying that, and we hugged for about 2 mins straight sitting in my car.

I then kissed her on her cheek and asked her to call me before she goes to bed when she gets home, she said ok.

So I guess that went well, could have been worse I guess.

Zach:

It seems like you are making some positive steps, but you need to be more patient with the day to day progress. It took time to get in this mess, it will take time to get out.

IMHO, if she said she was going to do something and doesn't, she just said that she would to spare your feelings or avoid an argument. Not ideal, but at this point, you have no right to ideal behavior.

Focus on doing the right thing and not expecting an immediate return on your investment. Show her that you are an adult, and that you are in it for the long haul.

When it ends up that you don't get together, do not spend your time moping. Find something that will be relaxing, or develop yourself in some way. You mentioned you took care of some things she wanted. That is also time well spent.

Good luck,

Thank you! I needed to hear that before I head to bed!

I know I shouldnt expect anything in return, instead of me showing frustration to her, I vented on the forum. I am in this for the long haul and ive let her know this. I really do love my wife and ill wait however long it takes.


Right now ill just take the good with the bad...I mean she is still talking to me when I call her and she doesnt tell me to go away when I do see her, so ill be thankful for that in the meantime

Ever thought about the possibility that your W is having an affair with her girl friend? Lesbian affairs are not as uncommon as they used to be.

You said that you WEREN'T expecting anything from her.

But you were, weren't you?

Even if you don't show it to her, it's going to leak out. And she'll feel it and it will likely be evidence to her that your "gifts" were yet another attempt to try to manipulate her to do what YOU want her to do, rather than giving her the freedom to choose.

Can you give for the sake of giving...without expecting anything in return?

The ONLY chance you have in this marriage or for long-term happiness in ANY relationship is for you to actually CHANGE YOUR THINKING.

My advice is stop trying to kiss her or touch her before she is ready or gives you invitation/permission.

Don't want to foster an aversion.

OMG!

That's quite a stretch.

This BS is a KID and that's what kids do...hang out with their friends.

That is hardly cause to assume something far out.

In response to window90's guess:

Zach, Your wife is only 19 years old. The normal thing for teenage girls to do is hang out with other girls their own age. And attend school, work, and pursue hobbies, and attend church. I would be grateful she has a friend her own age to lean on while going through this difficult time.

But then, I don't find the idea of lesbians that exciting.....

No shes DEF. not having an lesbian affair! This girl is not nowhere attractive to my wife. Trust me that is way out of the question. They only friends eachother really have is eachother. What aggravates me though is the girl ISNT her age, shes 26! She met her through her brother the week me and her had the big blow up, and the girl was there for her so they became attached, if I remember right the girl she hangs out with went through a rough breakup.


Noodle- Should I really do that? It seems it comforts her when I hug/kiss her, cause thats one thing I never really did when I was with her, I wouldnt really ever kiss her much or show affection. Thats one thing ive never really done is shown much affection and that comes from how I was raised, my parents really never shown much to me.

Zach:

Look at what Noodle said and then pay close attention to your S's body language and follow the advice. If you see signs of "Oh no!" when you approach, wait a bit.

It is good advice, but like any advice, you have to know your situation in order to apply it correctly.

Onmyway...Your right, I guess it all depends, she doesnt push away from me or anything, and I feel she needs affection from me, cause thats something I never gave her in the past.

We seem to be at a standstill right now, shes in i dont know mode, dunno how long its going to go on but I know one day shes going to have to make a decision of what to do, but ill be waiting as long as it takes !

Zach I want you to think about pursuit for a minute.

You admit that you were not ready to be married, that you didn't enjoy it, that you still wanted to pursue a single and juvenile lifestyle...so now yo have cheated and you are "out" and off the hook and I have to wonder...what has changed?

What revelation or epiphanee did you have in terms of being caught and having her leave you that sudenly made all of the aspects of young marriage you previously couldn't endure look atractive?

I really suspect that the fear of LOSS..of having her reject you is fueling this desire to re-establish status quo but I'm not convinced that you really and truly are now ready to live as a married adult for the rest of your life just because you feel bad about what you did.

You weren't naturally affectionate, you weren't raised to be affectionate...but suddenly you are affectionate?

You didn't like being home, you wanted to go clubbing [a juvenile pursuit] but now you will be content to put your nose to the grindstone for the rest of your life?

Or just until the panic fades and you feel resentfull again?

Your posts lack emotional honesty and self awareness and that really affects my ability to perceive your sincerity..not because I think you are being deliberately INsincere but because I genuinely suspect that YOU don't know who you are and what you want and are just trying to want what people whom you respect tell you you should want and I just want to say..you know..that's going to go badly for you but also for your BS if she were to reconcile with you.

I see way too much pursuit of her and not enough concern for HER wellbeing and satisfaction if she were to reinvest in this relationship.

That is a selfish, immature, and short sighted perspective.

So let's not catapault from the ground to floor 80 in haste.

Start with square one..why did you have an affair?

Now don't tell me that you were bored or that you weren't sincere in your word and committments.

Look deeper than that. Lots of people get bored and lots of them make hasty ill advised decisions in their youth...without cheating or lying.

The question is...why did you feel entitled to lie, club, cheat, etc? What did you say to yourself to give you permission to do what you FELT like doing and lie about it to avoid consequences?

That is a character issue...not a marriage issue and your wife would be very foolish to reconcile with you prior to you completing that growth [ps it will take years not weeks]

Why did you believe that you had the right to remove her choices and freedom by lying to her [lies are always about control]?

Where was your respect for her as a PERSON...how in your mind did she become subhuman to such a degree that her feelings, needs, physical health, emotional wellbeing, future, present, etc were no longer relevant in your decisions which affect her? Think about this..there is MUCH for you to learn about you in these questions.

Who is Zach really, why does he make the choices that he makes? Until he knows how can he even pretend that he is safe and an asset to any woman?

I understand you question my changes and such, and are worried if I have really changed. Im not sure how I can prove to you over a computer that I have. I understand my actions may seem im scared to be alone? Trust me, im not saying this to sound like an [censored] or anything but I if I wanted a girlfriend or another woman it wouldnt be very hard for me to go and find one.

This girl I have spent my 4 years of my life with has taught me so much, and has done everything for me to make me happy and over time I took advantage of it and ran all over her. I let our relationship become "routine" and I seeked out to look for something new and exciting. I love her to death and no1 could ever give me what she has given to me.


I wish I could take it all back but I cant. I want to be a great husband for my wife. I really do mean this from my heart, the problem with me cheating before in our relationship, she took me back that same night she found out. She found out about 3 girls all at one time, and I cried and begged for her back and within 30 mins she took me back, so with that being said, I NEVER changed myself.

She took me back so quickly I never did anything after that to change my ways, she never made me fight or work for her back. I wish she would have now. So now here we are, split for about 3 months, and shes known about my A for about 2 weeks or so now. Im going to chruch, becoming real close with the pastor which is a good friend of mine now and hes also our counsler. Im reading a number of books to find out why I did what I did, and what I need to do to become a better husband and person and to make the right decisions.


I will do anything for my wife, even if it takes her leaving me for her to be happy, then ill have to accept that.

It's not so much that I question if you have "really changed" as it is that I am certain you have not. These changes are a process..you didn't go through that process in the couple of seconds it took to feel bad when busted.

Now think closely..remember back..when you were dating and you cheated and you cried and she took you back...

Why were you crying?

Think closely. Look deep. Were you crying manipulatively?

Were you expressing real grief? If so, over what?

It's true that she didn't model self respect in accepting you back when you had made it VERY clear you had no interest in being faithfull to her...but that is HER issue.

Noodle i think it was because of both really, I really do love this girl and I really did want to be with her. After that I changed for a year or so and I went back to my old ways, maybe its because she didnt meet my EN? She didnt dress up or try to impress me and I wanted excitement and I searched out for that in other women that tried to impress me.

It was like she never acted sexy or really tried to do anything to impress me and I got bored with our R.

Thats I think what drew me away from her. I love her looks and personality and I know in that dept. I could never do better than her, she is so beautiful, she use to be a model and shes very very beautiful. But after time she never impressed me, it was like the same thing over and over again.

If I could climb through this computer and knock you off that chair right now, I would.

Beautiful women often have the hardest times in R's, because they allow themselves to end up with men who are with them for superficial reasons, and who soon lose interest because of their own superficial shallowness.

Is it the challenge she is presenting to you now that is causing you to be "impressed" with her once again, after her looks had failed to continue in impressing?

Or through loss and struggle are you in fact growing in depth?

Zach...do you realize that you didn't answer the question I asked you?

Ok let me try this again...

Why was I crying...I was crying because I didnt want her to leave me. Thats the best reason I can give you and yes I guess it was a manipulatively way.

Greif? I think some of it, I was sorry but to an extent I guess. If i was truely sorry I wouldnt have repeated myself. With her taking me back cause I was begging manipulatively, I didnt take the time to realize really what I did and my problems. So I continued a year later with the same horrible actions.

Honesty looks pretty good on you, Zach.

I'm proud of you for that bit of self-examination.