But like yall have said, abuse is abuse, its wrong and yes I feel terrible for it and ive been going to counseling for it and im going to continue to do so.


I look at life differently since ive gotten into church and let god into my life.

Bash me all you must, I deserve it. But I am sorry for what Ive done and I can assure you my W would be totally safe with me in the future. Weather she comes back or not im going to still do this good stuff im doing for myself.

Ive turned my life around now and I wish I could get another chance, she doesnt think ive changed, she says its all a lie. I guess I cant blame her for thinking that.

No, you can't blame her. She has probably heard this time and time again.

Everytime that you abused her I am sure that you told her that you were sorry and that you would change...and never do it again.

Everytime that you went out on her, while dating, I am sure that you told her the same thing..."I am sorry, I won't ever do it again".

Then, when you committed adultery 4 months into the marriage...well, that just told her that you were NOT invested in the marriage. Months Zach...Months.

That should have been the honeymoon phase of your marriage.

She believed you all those other times and married you. What did you do? You broke EVERY one of those promises that you made when you begged her forgiveness and told her you would change.

I cannot blame her for removing herself from the marriage.

She removed herself...she found someone else, which a typically battered woman will do. Her self-esteem is probably shot all to ******, and she will look for it by being with a member of the opposite sex.

You continually scoff at the prospect of him "opening doors for her" when you should be taking note. He is meeting her ENs. He is "caring" for her right now. THAT is all she sees.

Now...you have an opportunity to change...and not change for her...but to change FOR YOU.

Whether she returns to the marriage or not is not in your hands....it is in hers.

MAN UP.

You can change.
Don't change for her.

Change because it is the RIGHT thing to do.

committed

It was once time with a small open hand smack, I didnt even put a red mark on her,

Well...there it is. A remark to minimalize the abuse.

I was introduced to steroids. I tried them out and wow what a difference in a week I saw in me, I didnt realize my attitude was changing though and I kept this from my W. I took them for about a month or so. Got huge I wouldnt say I was addicted to them cause I used them off and on at times. But what I didnt really see at first was my attitude changing. Thats when I became very angry when we got heated and did the wrong things I done. I let them take me over during anger.

That's some scary scary stuff there. She might be lucky she made it out with her life...seriously.

she began to think I was with other Women then and snooped around and always was insecure of me. Which I dont blame her due to my past but she started pushing me away by doing that.

Well, I think that you did just blame her with that remark.

Zach, you have a really long road ahead of you. The sooner you start walking...the sooner you will get there.

I am not beating you up...I think you need some hard core truths.

committed

Bash me all you must, I deserve it. But I am sorry for what Ive done and I can assure you my W would be totally safe with me in the future.

No, you cannot give that assurance. But hopefully you will be able to one day after time.

committed

Everything committed said is right on, Zach. I couldn't post anything more to that.

But you still come here only to hear what you want. You say, "I understand now" "I've changed" blah,blah

But, Zach, you still really DON'T understand. And the only real change I see is your eagerness to wear the BS badge instead of the WS one.

Please stop wasting our time with posts about her. If she were here, most all of us would tell her to divorce you ASAP and start working on her own personal recovery. Why? Because you are a young man who has demonstrated abuse and adultry in the times of your relationship that have the least amount of stress and should be the happiest.


Everytime you post about her saying she is done, I say to myself, good for her.

I agree with you commited on everything youve said.

May seem harsh but sometimes thats what people need to get the point. But im changing and im on a good path right now and my family is proud of me and me changing. ****** I never even thought I would change my ways, I thought once a cheater always a cheater. Im proving that to myself, the abuse, anyone could flip out and do that at anytime, it could happen to anyone. Yes its wrong and I take full responsibility for it and my actions. I mean all I can say right now is im working on it and doing what I can right now.

Im glad I never really hurt her. I dont blame her to be afraid of me. Yes she is lucky I never really did anything bad when I had a few blow ups. Thank god.

SMB- Your right she doesnt need to be with me right now, but I dont think she should be doing what she is doing to herself. Shes down a destructive path. I want her to be happy and take care of herself, I dont want her to take me back as of now. Yes it would be nice. But no I dont think she should.


I need to prove myself
I need to change, and keep changing, ive came a long way so far, but a long ways to go still.
Maybe when I make a full recovery someday we can have something special again.

I disagree with this. A man who strikes a woman is in an entirely different class. A very LOW class.


Yes, she is lucky she was not injured as a result of your total failure at self control. I'd say YOU are also lucky that you did not end up in jail.

You have not yet taken full responsibility for the abuse yet.

Im doing what I can, im sorry and I know saying im sorry doesnt do jack.

But I am going to counceling for this. And I have been doing better with my actions when I get frustrated, im sorry but I dont know what else I can do but to keep going to counseling and continue to grow.

Thanks oz <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Zach, right now your goal is self-improvement. You have no other goal at this point because your marriage may have foundered beyond all repair, in large part due to your behavior.

Zach, re your steroid use and your father's actions: While they go a long way toward explaining your violence, they in no way excuse it. Simply put, there is no excuse.

You need to work on becoming the kind of man who would never hit a woman for any circumstance whatsoever. Toward that end, you have a ways to go.

Are you using steroids at all? Because it's not that steroids are addictive, it's that they have immediate, profound and debilitating effects, both physically and mentally. If you are using them at all you are not serious about making changes.

If you are serious about making changes, you have to do much more than "realizing the hurt I was putting her through mentally". Realization is only the first part.
Doing is the second part. What are you doing? What changes have you made that will enable you to control your anger? Have you spoken with a counselor? Because I believe that you should.

The reason that I mentioned education is two-fold. First, because what looks like a "great paying job" now may very well not look like that in five years time. The son of a friend of ours is working part-time and going to school to become a specialized mechanic. He has a viable career ahead of him. Be honest with yourself. Do you have a job or a career?

The second reason I mentioned education is because it will keep you busy. You do not need to be thinking about your wife or OM right now. You need to become a person with more interests, because right now I sense that you are verging on the obsessive, which is very destructive in the long term.

PK

I understand I have a LONG ways to go and I man up for all of my actions and no one should do what I done to my W, no1 deserves that.

No I stopped the use of steroids as soon as I saw what I was doing, I stopped immeditly!

What am I doing now? Ive saw a consuler for my anger since we split up in september cause I realized I do have a serious issue. Ive learned ways to deal with it and stop and think why am I getting mad? Ive found ways to deal with it. I thought I needed medicine at first, but ive learned to control myself and my actions, not saying ive recovered, but im working on it and will continue doing so.

Yes I have a great carrer, I started out changing oil at a Big Toyota dealership, worked my butt off, ive always been a very hard working, ended up being an Automotive Tech. here. Then worked my way up to Service Advisor. I make around 55-60k a year. We have one of the best Toyota Dealerships in the country. Yes I have a great carrer and ive worked my way up the last 2 years here.

W called me on my cell, sent a text and called my work. I didnt answer any of them.

Why?

Are you in Plan B?

How does doing that help your cause?

Seems to me the idea should be to be as pleasant and loving as possible when she makes contact, No LBs whatsoever.....

But at the same time be working on you and not driving her and yourself crazy by obsessing about her.

Letting her make contact will allow things to progress if and when she is ready.

Thank you for the advice, she wont conact me anytime soon im sure. She doesnt want to talk to me and she likes this new guy. Ill just have to work on myself, maybe they will break up, who knows. But who knows. Rough knowing she will prolly be kissing him at midnight tonight. Its my own fault, I gotta suffer the conquences and be a better person in the meantime

Zach, it does sound like you are a hard worker. Thanks for your background information. The counseling is an excellent start. I hope that you are *continuing* to see the counselor, that it wasn't just a couple of appointments and boom, you're cured.

Ingrained habits and patterns learned in childhood take a lot of work to change. Best if you do it with guidance.

So your W called you. Hmm. If I were you, I would take her calls, but do not come on strong. Be polite and personable. Do not act depressed or clingy. Act as though things are going well in your life, and you are glad to hear from her. Don't push her in any way, but be friendly and courteous.

Let her come to you.

I don't think you need Plan B at this time; it's much too premature. You haven't even done a proper Plan A. You need to present her with the best Zach possible....but that Zach needs to be authentic, not just a show to get her back.

Your changes must be in place for real and for the long-term.

Patience. Not a virtue of mine either, but worth striving for.

PK

She tried to make contact today and you didn't respond.......

How is she supposed to read that?

All she knows now is you don't want to talk to her for some reason....

There it is....
Well said!

I completely agree.

Thank you guys for the posts, keep them coming.


Yes im in this for the longrun weather my W comes back or not, ill change myself. Yes im still seeing the counsler. And I will continue, heck I even read my bible during my whole lunch hour, makes me feel good.

My W contacted me today about the internet incident this morning, she left me a message saying she didnt get on my name, she swears she didnt but I dunno who else would at that time in the morning shes the only one who has my password.


Tonight is going to be rough alone while shes with him. Ill try and keep my composure.

And I didnt answer the phone cause I knew it would lead to an arugment about that.