Zach,

What is your plan for handling a conflict when it arises?

I plan on to take a deep breath and face it logically. The OM is moved away from our area, I dont plan on ever seeing him. W and I want no contact with him or any other woman ive been with. Thats one reason we are moving away to my work area. Its away from the drama here. Me and the W spoke a little about Relationship for the first time yesterday. We are going to talk with our counsler tomorrow maybe some more will be brought up. We talked calmly yesterday and basically talked about our future not what has happened. We both acknowledge we've done wrongs and we look towards the future.

Ill take whatever happends calmly and logically. Not sudden decisions or anything. I dont wanna fight with my W nor argue, I will state my opinion but I will state it calm and respective. And I will learn to come to an agreement, it may not better me at times but I will make the decision to better our future relationship.

Actually I was referring more to future conflict than past issues - anything from what to have for dinner and who is to cook it to who you both socialize with, etc...the typical marital conflicts.

I would like to see you with a solid, specific plan regarding how to deal with marital conflict because I think it is extremely important right now that you avoid making ANY withdrawals.

I would hate to see habits making love bank withdrawals faster than you are able to deposit them, simply as a result of lack of awareness.

In other words, I don't want you to unknowingly shoot yourself in the foot.

It is probably pretty likely that she also has habits that will could do the same, but I am addressing this with you because:

1.) You're the man and in a position to be the leader
2.) You are more knowledgable and familiar with MB concepts (I think)
3.) With your being more knowledgable about the concepts, you have the potential to prevent arguments and resolve conflict without making withdrawals and to keep potential fights from escalating depending on how you apply what you've learned.

So here's a quick quiz (if you're game):

True/False

1. If I am getting less than I need from my wife, it is reasonable to expect her to sacrifice her happiness for my fullfillment.

2. Marriage requires a certain amount of give and take, but what I give to my wife shoul be worth what I take. In other words, I should be able to get out of this relationship what I put into it.

3. If we are right for each other, my wife will not want me to change.

4. I will be in an exclusive romantic relationship with my wife for life.

5. I am willing to sacrifice my happiness once in a while to satisfy my wife if she is willing to sacrifice her happiness once in a while to satisfy me.

6. I should do for my wife what comes naturally to me.

7. Our marriage is fatally flawed if my wife does not accept me as I am.

8. The goal of my marriage with my wife is for both of us to be happy and fulfilled with each other. As such, we must both learn to do everything with each other's interests and feelings in mind.

9. If my wife expects me to do something in return for her care of me, we are probably not right for each other.

10. If what I get in my marriage isn't worth what I give, she should either give me more or I should end the marriage to find someone who can give me more.

11. Solutions to the problems that my wife and I face should be long-term solutions that satisfy both of us.

12. My wife should not expect me to have a permanent romantic relationship with her.

13. Criticism from my wife should not cause me to try to change my behavior. It should cause me to consider ending our marriage.

14. If my wife has a problem with some aspect of our marriage, we should both work together to find a solution that we can permanently adopt.

15. Even though I am presently in an exclusive romantic relationship with my wife, it's reasonable for me to compare him or her to others who may meet my needs more effectively.

16. My wife and I should learn how to make each other happy without sacrificing our own happiness to do it.

17. It's reasonable for my wife to expect me to do something in return for what she does for me.

18. The decisions that my wife and I make should make both of us happy and fulfilled.

19. If my wife criticizes me, it means that he is probably not right for me.

20. A short-term sacrifice may be necessary for me to learn a new habit or create a lifestyle change that accommadates my wife. But if I am not eventually happy with the habit or lifestyle change, I should not continue to make the sacrifice.

21. If my wife criticizes me, he or she simply wants me to give more to compensate for what I am taking from her. So it's reasonable for me to give more to her if I feel that she is giving enough to compensate me for my effort to make the change.

22. If my wife wants me to do things for him or her that I do not feel like doing, we are probably not right for each other.

23. The mutual enjoyment and fulfillment that my wife and I share is more important than what either of us regards as fairness.

24. My wife may be right for me now but may be wrong for me later if she meets my needs now but fails to meet them at a later stage of my life.

25. When my needs or those of my wife change, an adjustment in habits and lifestyle should be made by both of us to accomodate the new needs, so that our romantic relationship can be fulfilling to both of us throughout life.

26. My wife should not expect me to have an exclusive romantic relationship with her.

27. My romantic relationship with my wife should last as long as I feel it is fair.

28. I should be in an exclusive romantic relationship with my wife only as long as she is meeting my emotional needs.

29. If my wife were critical of me, it would indicate than an adjustment of my habits and lifestyle are required until the change would satisfy him or her.

30. If my wife is right for me, she will make me happy without my having to put much effort into making her happy.

Zach!!!

I am so happy for you!

BUT I am also still plenty worried too...

Please don't forget that there might still be some setbacks. It's not unusual for there to be some false recoveries and even a reconnection with the OM may occur.

If she drifts away again be sure to bite your tongue with her and come here to vent instead, OK?

Also, make sure you continue to learn and apply the info on how to build a strong marriage and keep working on yourself.

Good Luck.

Thanks meremortal.

Sorry I havent had the chance to be on here the past few days been very busy with work and spending time with the W.


We had a setback this morning. She was asleep and I was up getting ready for work. I looked down and I saw her phone lit up. I looked at it, she had a text from the OM. It was him begging for her to come back and hes sorry he lost the love of his life ect. It really made all those emotions come back to me, of course I was a little angry and kinda stunned.

Well She got up not long after and I sat down beside her and asked if she would change her phone number, she asked why? I told her because hes still contacting her. She kinna got mad cause I went through her phone, she told me I should have asked her before I went off and did that, so there was some tension the rest of the morning. She was kinna being a smartbutt and I ended up raising my voice at one point, not bad but I did out of frustration. She got very mad about that which I understand from the past abuse. It brought those feelings back up.

She said she would "handle it" when it came to him sending her messages. And my W still is in contact with the OMs ex. So hes sending my W texts begging for her back and all and how great she is and how much he misses her. This brings back so many emotions and my W doesnt understand how im feeling right now, its all about how bad she felt and how wrong ive done, she wont acknowledge how I felt at the moment. We hugged and kissed and told eachother to have a good day, I mean I know we'll get through this but it bothers the ****** out of me with him sending her text messages.

After all of that being said, she says she hasnt answered any of his texts and she will take care of him contacting her. I do believe her, my wife is a very truthful person and would tell me the truth I do think. I looked in her outbox and it seemed to be true, all of her texts were sent to me. Yes she could delete them but I doubt it.

Shes mad cause I went through it without asking her. I do want her to change her # though.

** I do believe her, my wife is a very truthful person and would tell me the truth I do think. **

That would be a huge mistake. I list as evidence the following:

3 PA's
Got married-5/26/07
EA+PA 9/07
Split up- 9/07
Me- Living with Parents
Her- Living with Evil Friend
Admitted affair-11/07
Wife talks to lawyer, and wants D- 12/3/07
Found out about OM- 12/23/07
OM went to his Ex 1/10/08
W admitted sleeping with OM 1/10/08

Don't set yourself up for failure. Keep on with the plan A but don't make the mistake of taking things at face value. It's WAY too early for that.

I am going to back you up here, Zach. If your wife is suggesting a move to another town to start new away from everyone who knew about the affair, then there is no logical reason that she should object to changing her phone number so her OM cannot contact her.

The delivery of your idea is critical though. If you ask her to do something without offering anything in return, or if you raise your voice to her, you ARE reminding her of how "early-marriage Zach" treated her.

Did you offer to change your phone number too so she doesn't feel unfairly treated? You have just as much reason to change yours as she has to change hers.

Have you gotten her involved in any of the concepts here? Have you discussed radical honesty and transparency with her, followed by you presenting her with all of your email and online passwords as well as total access to your phone? Tell her you want a completely open marriage and you want her to KNOW that there are no more secrets.

You have to approach this by showing her what you have learned by applying it to the marriage. You will have much better results if she responds to your positive behavior rather than you telling her what to do.

Maybe you could even get her to make a post here and talk out her feelings.

That is the most critical point of all. Excellent post, Andrew.

Zach, you're getting some very good advice here from Frozen (maybe you could go back and read her long post, because it was a good one) and andrew.

About her phone and texts, you say:


Zach, we cannot change other people. We cannot demand things of them and expect them to comply, particularly after we have hurt them. But, we can model the kind of behavior that we would like to receive. Therefore, rather than telling your wife you want her to change her #, why not change yours as a show of good faith? If you get a text while you are with her, ask her to read it for you.

Open yourself up completely.

Certainly husbands and wives should be able to look at each others texts/emails, etc. But right now, you want to focus on adding units to her lovebank. Asking her to do things because you want her to is not going to accomplish that; in fact, it may do just the opposite.

You need to focus on making her want to open up to you. And the only way to do that is through your own behavior.

PK

Andrew.


I havent discussed those things with my W, we've just been working on spending time with eachother its only been like 3-4 days. I am completely honest with all my PW's and all. She made the remark today about "I dont go through your phone", I told her I have nothing to hide and I handed her my phone and told her she could have it the rest of the day, she refused. Shes always went through my things for years, she always thought I didnt know but I always caught her. I dont mind her going through my things, I have nothing to hide from her. She knows my PW's even when we were split up she knew them.

I have no problem with letting her go through my things, she understands my focus is on her only and im not hiding anything. I have no issues with changing my number or showing my phone bills. She told me she didnt wanna go through my whole phone bill and call every # that was on there. I said ok, well its there if you have any questions. She started to throw a few things up about the past to me. Its just a small step right now, I dont want the OM contacting her, it really bothers me.

PK Thanks for that post...


I guess im fortunate enough for her to even be with me every night after all of this. Yes when I raised my voice I understand she saw the old Zach in me. I apologized to her, and I understood I was in the wrong by doing that. She basically ignored the fact of him sending her texts is a problem? I dunno, just brought everything back up I guess.

Zach,

She might be more open to considering your feelings if you presented it in the form of a thoughtful request.

Interacting with each other NOW...this is where the rubber meets the road. This is what I was trying to convey to you when I asked you about your plan to resolve conflicts that arise.

Here is something from the basic concepts that you might find to be a helpful in learning alternate methods for getting what you want in your marriage.

Selfish Demands

Ahh thanks Frozen, Yes I laughed to myself this morning cause it hit me about the post you made about conflict. Well here it is, ive calmed down a little bit now and realize we'll be ok, just a small setback this morning. It hurt a little to read those texts he was sending her.

Now back to focusing on us and I. BTW got a promotion yesterday at work!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. A big raise.

Yeah, well, just in case you thought I was psychic...it was bound to happen (soon) because 1 + 1 = conflict. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's natural and inevitable.

It is the way a couple resolves conflict that can either result in disaster OR a fulfilling, rewarding marriage.

That little quiz I gave you...it is a test to assess the way you manage conflict in your marriage.

My goal for you is to learn how to resolve conflict in your marriage in a way that you and your wife will build a happy marriage.

You're both young and have a real opportunity to build something great together.

So don't sweep this conflict under the rug. Rest assured that it will come up again.

The really cool thing is that if you learn to resolve conflict and the result is that no love units are withdrawn, the actual PROCESS ITSELF of resolving the conflict will deposit love units!

Soo true. It got me thinking, By me resolving conflict the right way I have a feeling it wouldnt just not withdrawal loveunits, but it would actually gain some due to my past actions, the old Zach that would yell scream and throw things when he got angry, and avoided the whole conflict idea.

By me doing it the right way and respectfully it will show her the changed man I am, the new Zach. It will make her feel good inside, make her see those changes and reassure her.


But anyway, shes on her way home from work and shes coming over. We're going to have dinner and we may go to Walmart or something and grab a few things! Ill update tonight or in the morning! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Zach, just wanted to say I am glad to hear that you got a raise and your wife is still back with you.

Here is a suggestion, why not just switch to a new phone plan and get new phones for the both of you?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Scott

Healthy thinking, Zach...staying focused on your changes.

Great post, Froz.

Zach, another benefit of you changing how you deal with conflict is that you can connect with your wife in conflict, too. Another step towards intimacy when you handle your half with respect, O&H, and stay present.

And great suggestion from OMWH, too!

LA

Me and my W are both on seprete phone companies lol.

Ill look into a plan for us. We are making an offer on this house this week close to both of our families. This is the same house we were looking at before, its still on the market, we will see if they take it or not.

We had a great weekend. Wife ends up getting strep throat, so ive taken care of her this week. We went and got her some antibiotics, funny thing is she feels fine besides her throat so swollen and white patches in it. Doctor found that odd that she felt so fine also, no fever or nothing, so im thankful for that!

Shes off of work the next 2 days so shes getting some rest. She and her mom is going to check out the house today. We are doing good I can say, we went out all day yesterday to the mall and just messing around, good us time. Before we use to sit around the house constantly and didnt get out to do things, now im making sure that isnt the case. We were going to go bowling with us and a friend but some winter weather came along. So far no more distractions as far as other people and the phone as far as I know.


Hope all is having a great day!

Since she's home for a couple days...what are the odds of her reading some of the MB material? You could email it to her? My H isn't 'into' examining our relationship, but sometimes I read stuff to him from here (he doesnt' read).