I have been away from MB for a little over a week and, in catching up, read this entire thread in one sitting.
Honestly, I am pretty darn shocked at the tone of this thread. Shame on "us" for running off someone coming to these boards looking for help. And to think all of this confusion seems to have occurred due to the words typed into a computer -- which can NEVER fully represent the whole story.
In SadWife's first post, she stated things as facts...that could be interpreted differently depending on the reader:
my husband got up and went into our sons room where she was sleeping to tell her he made coffee
I read this as meaning he went into the room that was designated as the room she used for sleeping. Others read this as meaning that she was asleep when he entered the room.
She was a willing participant in this from what I understand. I guess he realized what he was doing. THEY DID NOT HAVE SEX
I read this as two willing participants, especially given the use of the words "She was a willing participant." Others read this as 'she only says she was a willing participant because she is a victim and does not know how to respond' - I guess stemming from the "from what I understand" part of the quote paired with the 'sleeping' confusion previously mentioned.
his hand ended up on her stomach and going south
SadWife never did say that his hand actually reached her vagina when it "went south" from her stomach. I think everyone in the thread assumed the inference, as did I. It is worth noting, however, that our interpretation was not part of the 'statement of facts.'
I was confused by the posts suggesting this was molestation, as it did not read that way to me at all -- in fact I had to go back and re-read that first post. On second reading, I could see another interpretation (and showed a couple of examples above), and simply chalked it up to the imperfection of the medium.
The further I read down the thread, the more upset I became. To me it was quite clear that SadWife did not have a full set of information. There was a lot of information missing that was contained in the words "somehow, his hand ended up on her stomach and going south." And yet, there was a (IMHO) rush to label her husband a molester. After re-reading the original post, I could see that this was a
possibility, but it was clear to me that clarification was needed. My sister was molested by a family member for years, and I have no tolerance for molesters at all. SadWife clearly needed to understand the exact circumstances to know whether there was molestation or consent. While there were some helpful suggestions to SadWife, there were also many, many negative posts that did not address SadWife's need. That is what upset me more and more.
Why do "we" as a community get into these arguments with such vitriol? We have not succeeded in helping SadWife, only in driving her away from an excellent source of help. It is my belief that we should voice our opinions based on what we read and focus our efforts on helping the one in need in their thread. Semantic arguments and the like can be taken to another thread if needed. We should
politely explain why we interpreted what was written the way we did so we can all benefit from the varied viewpoints. We should ask the original poster to clarify when others in the thread have a different interpretation of the "statement of facts" than our own.
In this case, SadWife could have been told the all of the following without the crap that has taken place in this thread:
1. Something does not "smell right"
2. You need to get better information
3. It is possible that your husband molested your SIL and, if you are not sure, let the police sort it out
4. It is possible that a "quickie" or similar took place that morning
We would be wise to remember that one seeking help in these forums does not always have a clear mind to state the known facts in an unambiguous fashion. In SadWife's case, she stated as FACT that her husband and SIL did not have sex, but many of us question the reliability of that 'fact.' Are we to assume the there was no sex, or are we to help SadWife ask better questions, seek out appropriate resources, etc. to help her see what she may be blind to when she first comes here? Are we to assume that her SIL was molested because she typed the words "where she was sleeping", or are we to ask for clarification because this does not square with the words "She was a willing participant" in the same post? I suggest we take the careful approach and realize that the poster may not be as eloquent as we, may not be in the same frame of mind as we, and may not have the same life experiences as we.
Also, let's assume the best intentions in other posters and direct our energies to helping the one in need. Please! Thanks.
Todd
