I just came to the board a couple days ago. Dday was last week. Needless to say, I'm still hurting a lot.

My question is: Does the WS hurt at all? Other than the little twinges of guilt, I mean.

My WH seems to be over it already...it is out in the open, he has apologized, stated it won't ever, ever happen again, and seems to think that is that. All done...ready to move on. He actually feels relief.

My reaction to that is to hurt him! I want him to feel the same pain I am experiencing...I want him to suffer for his actions of betrayal. That is my emotional side...

My logical side is telling me God calls us to forgive. My WH will be judged by Him one day, not by me. Hurting him won't change anything and will just drive a larger wedge between saving our marriage.

Have others here found that to be the case with their WSs? Maybe someone on the other side of the equation can let me in and tell me if they hurt being the WS?

Thanks!

How long was the affair?

I am sorry but this sounds like he gave up a little too easy and has no real remorse. That is suspicious.

Is he being totally transparent with all his activities?

Is he in total NC with OW? Did you do a No Contact letter?

Is he experiencing any withdrawal issues?

Roaduntraveled, you will not get over the affair any time soon. It is perhaps the worst thing that has ever happened to you. It is a traumatic shock and you are supposed to feel hurt. Dr. Harley likens the intensity to that of a RAPE or the death of a child. You would not get over that quickly.

Secondly, Dr Harley does not believe in "forgiveness" but in JUST COMPENSATION. It is in your H's best interest to earn your TRUST and make it up to you. That is HOW your marriage will recover. Here is an article about forgiveness and another link to a video of Dr. Harley speaking about the effects of adultery.

forgiveness: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

The affair started late last year...ended a couple months ago. This is all coming from WH and he is not the one who informed me of the affair, I was told by a family member of the OW. He adamantly denied it all until the proof sent to me/promised to be sent to me forced his hand.

I mentioned a NC letter, but he hasn't written it yet. He has told me there is NC, though.

I don't know what you mean by withdrawal issues.

Have you CONFIRMED that all contact has ended?

Do they work together?

Also, has the spouse, if any, of the OW been informed?

When affairs end, the affair partners typically go through a period of mourning for each other. Gross but true. This period which can take weeks to months is called withdrawal.

Withdrawal is a painful time for everyone. And you must get through it before any recovery can begin.

Is he showing any signs of depression or sadness over the loss of his affair partner?

If he is not I would be very suspicious of re-newed contact or that the affair simply went "Run Silent - Run Deep" mode.

No, they do not work together.

As for the other...no, I don't see there is much in the way of withdrawal.

Are you saying I'm just deluding myself in believing it is over?

I have no way of confirming that. He has work email I am not privy to. I do not have access to home email or his cell phone.

I really just want to know if the WS feels hurt. What steps are they supposed to be taking and should he be taking them on his own or should I be asking?

RU, why don't you ask him if he feels hurt about something? He would be the best judge of that.

I would also suggest that you should be doing some serious sluething to find out if the affair is over. You will want to take every step to ensure you are protected. I would put a keylogger on his computers, a GPS on his car and scour over his cell phone bill. You can download a keylogger on the internet and install on his computer.

Additionally, I would expect him to open up all aspects of his life to you in order to acheive complete transparency. Unless the conditions that made it possible for him to conduct his affair are removed, it can easily be resumed. But more importantly, I would suggest watching your back by snooping until you KNOW it is over.

I know 2 keyloggers that work really well. If you want their names just let me know. I don't think I should post them here for some reason. Maybe I'm paranoid.

Anyway, it will save you some time.

They both have hotkeys to so you can log in and see what's up. One is better than the other with monitoring remotely, though. The other uses up too many resources.

My H is an IT guy. I was SURE he was going to find the first one that I installed after D-day but he never did. I installed the second not long before d-day.

Just to add:

You must be able to control yourself to the extreme if you use these programs. If they are still in contact and communicating regularly, what you will see and read is going to hurt. Make no mistake about that.

You must wear your poker face when dealing with your H after you see the garbage that is spewed. Say nothing. Not even a little thing.

Save the info...send it into your email if you don't use the remote access part of the keylogger. Hide your evidence well.

Use more than one email account and hide it on them. Send it to a trusted relative and a trusted friend.

Just make sure you keep it, you will need it for exposure so there will be no doubt in anyone's mind.

A No Contact letter is a big step he needs to take for you. His resistance to do this is once again suspicious.

"Justfugedaboudid" will not help a betrayed spouse begin to heal.

His word that there is no contact is meaningless.

Well that's one problem right there. He needs to give you access to his personal email and cell phone to earn your trust back and prove he's not in contact with OW.

If he refuses to do so you'll know he's not remorseful and is probably still in contact.

The WS rarely feels anything other than superficial hurt or remorse for the BS sice they have convinced themselves they are justified and entitled to have their needs met by an OP.

The FWS feels a tremendous amount of pain and guilt.

Until your WH has established NC with OW he is unlikely to feel this way, therefore you need to ensure NC is in place.

RU,

You're here, so why not take the time to read everything you can on this site?

Unfortunately, the wayward spouse rarely feels anything more than guilt while active in their affair; they feel they are justified in the actions they are taking because of the state of the marriage beforehand. I know this is painful, but listen to what people are telling you; let it sink in.

After you read this site, or even while you are, look into the book Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Harley.

I think you need to be doing some snooping to see if there is still contact. Sometimes, when the WS initially arrives home, they feel a sense of relief, but not long after, the withdrawal begins. Also, if he has not suffered any consequences for his A, it may be smooth sailing for him. If you take him back and expect no changes in either of you, you are in for more of the same.

REad the site, read the book, get a plan.

I know what you are all saying is true...

But that is never what I imagined a marriage would be. My snooping and such and keeping it secret is the same as lying in my book, and a horrible thing to do to a spouse. However, I never believed my WS would have an affair, either.

I couldn't afford a GPS system even if I wanted to go that route.

I have read quite a bit on the site and a lot of it makes sense...I just don't know if I have the strength to do it.

I want to make our marriage work, but I used a lot of energy reconciling the first time after we separated. I'm rather depleted. From what I'm reading, it seems like the BS is the one who has to do all the work...just another instance of "Life Isn't Fair", I guess.

Absolutely not, RU. It is horrible to have an affair, it is not horrible TO CATCH someone having an affair. You have a moral obligation to snoop to protect yourself. There is no virtue in allowing your H to carry on an affair in privacy. NO ONE has the right to the privacy to have an affair.

Perhaps if you had been snooping occasionally all this time, you could have prevented his affair. Just think about that.

By not snooping, you are simply ENABLING your H and contributing to the demise of your marriage.

Do you believe the cops are "horrible" when they snoop on drug dealers? It is the exact same principle, RU. It is horrible to deal drugs, not horrible to catch them.

If you had a child who you suspected was taking drugs or involved in criminal activity, would you snoop on them?

I know how you feel about snooping as I felt the same way for a while.

I was just audited at work and although it can be annoying at first, then end result is a more transparent working environment where any gaps have been eliminated or reduced significantly. If forces me to pick up my game as I know my work can be evaluated against strict processes at any time and that is what snooping can do with a WS.

The company that I work for is protecting itself and snooping on your WS will do the same for you.

The WS will interpret snooping as an invasion of their privacy...they always do because they are conducting themselves in a secretive manner. Later, in recovery, a FWS will view this as BS who did care enough to fight for the marriage.