Hi Everyone, well this has not been the best day. Early this morning aroung 1:00 am, my husband did a surprise visit. Anyway, we talked and he stayed overnight. The problem is that he still wants us to be intimate but I find it hard to do because of the fact that he have other women in his life. Anyway, the entire time that he was here his cell phone continued to ring. Some calls he would answer and go into the bathroom to talk. One call I overheard the female on the phone. Anyway, he started questioning me about why have I changed towards him, etc. It's like he is the victim! I told him that due to the fact that we have been married 4 years and he have only been home with me about 8 months out of the 4 years, I do not have that bond with him. I continued talking and eventually started crying. He apologized and said that he did not know that he had hurt me! What kind of idiot can he be?! Committing adultery, getting his girlfriend out of jail when I had her put in there for coming to my house harrassing and threatening me, bringing her belongings to our house, physically and emotionally abusing me and he have the nerve to say that he did not know that he had hurt me!!! I asked him how would he have felt if after marrying him I bring my ex-boyfriends into the relationship and continue to date? How would he feel if I hit and bite him? I asked him these questions. My husband is not sorry for what he did. After talking to me and trying to convince me that he is sorry and he love me so much, etc. would you believe that he began laughing at me because I became upset about the way he treats me and started crying?! I was angered by this. Here I am pouring my heart and feelings out to him and then all he can do about it is laugh! Why should I try making this marriage work out? He is not Godly sorry for his sins. Godly sorrow will bring on a spirit of repentance! He gets joy out of hurting me. I use to really love my husband. I was in love with him but now those feelings are completely gone and I told him about it. Of course, he became a little physical but I stood up to him. I threaten to call the police and then he calmed down. I can't go on living like this. I have made up my mind to divorce him but then I want so bad to make this marriage work. Apparently, this is not what he wants and I am suffering for it. I try to listen and take advice of those that says, "God Hates Divorce" but what do God do about a spouse like mine? I have been through more pain than what anyone can imagine. I can't go on. I want to be the perfect Christian and the perfect Wife but my heart is heavy and my body is tired. I can't go on. I have never been in a situation like this and I don't know how to handle it. Of course, I do not want to hurt my husband because he hurt me. I know that it may hurt him if I divorce him but who should I be more concerned about? I do not want to have to divorce him but he leave me no other choice. I am confused! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Please keep me in your prayers.

Yes, God hates divorce but getting divorced is not a sin..and He HATES SIN!!

Why did God allow for divorce? because of hardened hearts..
what causes a hardened heart? Sin..

And God even tells believers through the Apostle Paul that if an un-believer wants to leave a marriage to a believer, let them leave..and from what you have shared, your husband does not want to be married..so let him leave..

You could even say something to the effect, that though you love him, and hoped things would be different, his choices have repeatly shown you he does not desire to remain married to you..so because you love him you are going to let him go
lie his life as a single person, or with someone he wants to be with more than you..

Isn't that how God loves? He shows us his love by allowing us to go do what we want..even when it's NOT what HE wants for us or even Himself? He's willing to let go of the relationship He wants..to allow the person to go have the relationship with the world they desire.


Can I ask you a serious question? In your opinion what does a *perfect* Christian look like? Because I have yet to meet one..

What would a *perfect* wife or even a *perfect* husband look like?


If you divorced him, would it be in order to hurt him? Or would it be more to give him what his choices show he wants, a life of singlehood to date whomever he wishes?

It could be that the most loving thing you could do for him, is to let him go to live his life the way he wants to live it..isn't that pretty much what Roman's 1 is about? God giving them up, so they can do what they want to do?

Even when they know the consequences? Like for example, what are the consequences here? He can no longer come to your home and see you...He can no longer have a relationship with you if he continues to have a relationship with these other women..It's ultimately his choice and you are just accepting and respecting it..as HIS..

Maybe look at it this way...

I really love you, and want you to be happy, even if it means I give up what I want (a marriage) so because I love you..I'm giving you your freedom to go out and live your life as you see fit, so that I am no longer worried about where you are, who you are with, when you will be home..and in that I will no longer expect you to live up to the vows you made..Just understand that if you decide one day that you made a mistake and want to come back I may no longer be here for you to come back to..because as you leave to live the life you want, I will no longer be under obligation to hold to those vows either.

I guess is what I'm saying is this..change your perspective..it's not that you want a divorce, but that you understand and respect HIS choice to no longer desire to be married..

It's not about YOU or the kind of wife you are or even about you as a Christian, it's about respecting HIS choice to live the life of a single man as opposed to that of a married man.


And you know, you don't even have to file for divorce, you could just live seperated..letting him know that He needs to decide whether he wants to be married, or if he wants to be single..but he can't be both..and if he wants to be single, then he should go ahead and file for divorce so that he can go on with his life and maybe meet someone he really wants to spend his life with..and that if he desires to come back to you..then there will have to be some major changes in his life in order for you to let him back into your home and your bed..

In other words..Make it YOUR choice...to respect HIS Choice, even though you don't like his choices because it hurts you in the process..But it puts the responsibility to change or not on him..


Does that make sense?

Tania, I am so sorry for you hurts. You say that God doesn't want divorce, but if you remember, there are actual reasons why God says divorce should occur. Adultry is considered one of the reasons to be released from a marriage. If your husband has been with all of these women, then adultry has obvioulsy taken place.

Do not allow yourself to continue through this vicous cycle. You have already been released by God from your marriage because Adultry is one sin that God gives us permission to leave a marriage. I use the term loosely about your marriage

If he has only been with you 8 months out of 4 years then you do not and never had a marriage. I do not say this to hurt you but merely to speak the truth so that you do not feel bad for your decision to ultimately and permenately leave the situation.

You should file for divorce, IMO. I was in a "marriage" like yours and it ended in divorce. We were married 14 months and were maybe together for 9 of the 14 which was pitiful and no one should have to go through that, including you.

You deserve better...you need to take care of your needs and begin the healing process for YOURSELF. It doesn't matter about HIM. He doesn't need to be a priority to you nor should his feelings be of any concern. He doesn't take into account your feelings...so that priority for you to care about his should be gone.

Move on with your life. I know it seems hard...why do you think his feelings should come before yours? Why are yours not coming before his?

What has be done for him to deserve a woman to still care about his feelings?

Divorce him...Heal yourself and allow God to heal you...Become whole again as a woman...God bless!

WOW. I have to reply to your post. There is more to the story than you have provided IMO.


Not really. See Matthew 19:8 where Jesus says to the Pharisees (after they asked Him if there were any reasons permitted for divorce), "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way." God did not create divorce. Mankind did. Divorce is in direct opposition to God's creation of man and woman and their calling to be joined in ONE flesh to worship him and spread his Love through their marriage MINISTRY.

More pointedly, Paul states in 1 Corinthians 7:24, "Each of you must remain in that condition in which you were called….Are you bound to your husband or wife? Do not seek to be released."


No doubt he has sinned with these women. But that doesn't mean her husband is beyond redemption. In fact, when he is saved, and he can be through his wife's sanctification (which is also promised by God in the bible), he will have an incredible testimonial for others whom have disrespected their wives to be inspired by.


How do you know God has released her? What if he is conducting a test to build her marriage up to a level you and I can't even fathom so her and her husband can one day have a TESTimonial that will save a hundred other marriages? God approves of marriage. The only thing he releases is his supernatural power when we harness it after repentance, prayer and Christ-like behavior. Don't you agree?


Not true. God values our marital covenant even when we don't.


None of us has the corner market on truth. Do we? The bible is the only truth there is. Jesus said, "I am the way and the TRUTH and the life." Jesus teaches to persevere our trials. Unless her husband is physically abusing her, at the most she should distance herself from him, walk with God, and allow him to work on her husband. Her husband will be saved. God does not want her husband to live in sin.


I think you should NOT file for divorce. There is so much more to marriage if you LET God RULE your marriage and your life. Both spouses must love God more than they love each other. Once that happens, all is possible. God is the great redeemer of the unredeemable. If He could save my marriage, he can save yours. Mine was a DISASTER before we handed it over to God.


This is not true either. This preaches the me, me, me, syndrome that has damaged so many marriages. Don't edify him right now, but definitely PRAY for his soul. Pray with all your might. He is your brother. God loves him every bit as much as he loves you, Tania. Believe that.


Because she is OBVIOUSLY got the Holy Spirit in her. I put my wife's feelings before mine when she was cheating on me too. It's called SUBMISSION. I prayed for my wife daily. Yes, I kept my distance from her, but I prayed for her with all my might. God answered my prayers. My wife is a changed woman now. I never dreamed it possible. But through God, all things are possible.


Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Adultery is NOT the worst of sins. There are worse. We know there are worse because Jesus told us what the most important ones were: Love your God with all your heart, soul and strength, and love your neighbor as you love yourself. How do you know if Tania has not committed sins such as these daily, or even continues to? You don't know Tania. Only GOD knows Tania and her husband. And IMO God wants them to past this test, and TESTify to others later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> All praise to GOD for this trial you have suffered Tania. He wants you to learn something from it. His plan is FLAWLESS.


Do you really use "Divorce him" and "God bless" in the same sentence?????

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Night yall

Wow OWF, that is impressive, the wisdom and difficult truths that you explained, how can we ever possibly hope to live up to the expectations of Jesus in the midst of emotionally crippling marriages. Tania, I would commend you to do everything in your power to stay strong, pray for your H, and take note of the fantastic advice here. I know it’s not easy, but it’s the right and most importantly Godly thing to do. OWF, would you mind giving me some advice with my wife wanting to leave me, please.

wow, owf, i am a christian through and through and i think your post is quite extreme. i am quite sure god does not test us for us to have a TESTimony by throwing a cheating spouse our way...

i don't have time right now, but i will comment more on this later...

mlhb

OWF is merely someone who gets off from pushing wounded people's buttons.

He obviously works for the other side.

You said it, "..how can we HOPE to live up.."

Romans 5 says it far better than I ever could:
"..And we rejoice in the HOPE of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our ***sufferings*** because we know that suffering produces perseverance and perseverance produces character and character produces HOPE. And HOPE does not disappoint.."

Furthermore, in the hour of our misery and injustice, we are not to admonish those who have wronged us and wish judgment on them, or force God's hand. We are to mirror Jesus..


"..while being ridiculed, He did not ridicule in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept ENTRUSTING Himself to Him who judges righteously." 1 Peter 2:23

Who are **WE** to judge those who are unGodly? Those who call themselves Christians, where is your faith. In my hour of desperation an enlightened friend of mine told me something that shocked me. Even REPULSED me. As I complained and poured my heart out and cried and said my wife was gone forever, he said, "Mark, you may believe in God, but you have no faith, man. None."

I was shocked. I have been Catholic my whole life! Of course I have faith! I, I, I--- and then it hit me, I had no faith AT ALL. I was a mess of desperation, tears, sorrow and looking to the heavens crying "Why ME God? Why ME!!?"

Then I read Job. Then I learned the power of prayer and how to "pray without ceasing" DESPITE how incredibly UNFAIR it was that my wife was seeing someone with the same name as me, building a new life with him, and saying she was going to marry him and asking my DAUGHTER to be her bridesmaid! I just kept praying. I began to TRUST that God values marriage above all else and WANTED my family back together and he WANTED my wife out of sin. I truly began to believe that through daily prayer.

But there was a problem. My prayers were going unanswered. I then learned that *I* had to get upright with God first, and to do that I had to stop disrespecting my wife, even though I wanted to SCREAM at her every day for being such a disrespectful JERK. I told my family about her. I told my friends about her. I wrote on this board about her. I disrespected her over and over... until someone shared this scripture with me:

"You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way...show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered." 1 Peter 3:7

Oops. So then I got upright. I stopped talking about her. I then started praising her, and even telling her repeatedly that I loved her, no matter what she would tell me about her new life on the phone. And I told everyone I loved her, even in her hour of sin. I just kept on loving her. And I kept praying. And I started being humble. And my perseverence (yes it was painful beyond words) dragged on.. and then my character began to build.. and then HOPE began to set in.

I kid you not, shortly thereafter, my wife eventually called me out of the blue one day crying, saying she read something about submitting her life to God and everything she had done hit her over the head like a ton of bricks, and that she was breaking up with the OM, and wanted to reconcile.


I will give you the same advice I was given. It is brutal. I expect you will receive it just like I did at first and reject it. But if you truly think about it....

"The wise men are put to shame, They are dismayed and caught; Behold, they have rejected the word of the LORD, And what kind of wisdom do they have? Therefore I will give their wives to others, Their fields to new owners; Because from the least even to the greatest Everyone is greedy for gain; From the prophet even to the priest Everyone practices deceit." Jeremiah 8:9-10

Are you wise? Are you haughty? Are you deceitful? Are you lazy? Do you treat your wife like she has been AUTOGRAPHED by God? Do you know you are supposed to love your wife as Jesus loves the church? Jesus died for the church. Would you die for your wife? And finally, did you know wives are SANCTIFIED by us, their husbands? Look up sanctified.

Blessings to all

Look up forsaken.

First, thank you for this.

I think there are two questions to answer here:

1) Does God throw tests/trials our way?

IMO: No. God does not administer evil tests. God can not be tempted by evil. James 1:13 ".. God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone.." The SINS of MAN produce tests.

So if God knows there is sin, and God knows the consequences of sins will test us, then God knows we will be tested and subsequently has an expectation as to how he expects us to RESPOND to tests. Hence, the important question is not "Does God throw tests at us?" but "How does God expect us to RESPOND to tests?" And I believe the answer is here:

1 Peter 1:6
"..you have been distressed by various trials...the purpose of these trials and troubles is to test your faith as fire tests how genuine gold is. Your faith is more precious than gold, and by passing the test, it gives praise, glory, and honor to God."

Ecclesiastes 3:18
"I said to myself concerning the sons of men, "God has surely tested them in order for them to see that they are but beasts."

So tests are given to us to test our faith and to make us aware of our sins. And when we pass our tests and demonstrate our faith, we are giving praise, glory and honor to God. This leads us to the next question..


2) Does God call on us to provide our testimonials? You tell me..

John 3:11
“We speak that we do know, and ***TESTIFY*** what we have seen”

Enough said.

I think it's important for victimized spouses to understand a cheating spouse is not EVIL. A cheating spouse may be an INSTRUMENT for evil, for a season, or three, but not the evil itself. To hate the sinner is to hate God. We must instead hate the sin so we are expressing our hate for evil, not the sinner--for we are all sinners. Check the ten commandments, adultery is only one of ten sins, and by no means did God or His son ever state is was the worst. In fact, in Mark we read:

Mark 12:28-31
"One of the teachers of the law came and asked Jesus, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"
Jesus answered, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this 'Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.' "

So there is a HUGE difference between hatting the sin and hating the sinner, and I think every Christian should be aware of it. Adultery is a sin like any other. Lust is a sin, too, and we know it to be an addiction as well! So why don't we victimized spouses treat our addicted spouses in sin as we would a family member addicted to a substance? When we see a family member or friend under the influence of alcohol, or drugs, or afflicted in some other way, we don't step back and shout "You jerk! What is your problem! How could you do this!? What is your problem!!?" Instead, we step back and think, "Wow, that, e.g., crack cocaine is sure messing my brother up." We work our tails off with love, kindness, understanding and firm resolve to get the crack out of the addict's hands . Do we not?

Ah, but when our spouses, our beloved spouses---whom we once loved so dearly and innocently and unconditionally--- fall under the influence of LUST, we condemn them. We blame them for ruining our lives. We admonish them to anyone who will listen. We hurl insults at them. We find lawyers and punish them by taking their money we feel we are entitled to.

Why? Because LUST is not treated like other TEMPTATIONS we all face. It is true, some people are predisposed to alcoholism; and it is true, some people are predisposed to adultery.

I implore you, victimized spouses, to stop condemning your sinning spouses and instead sanctify them through your own reconciliation with God and unceasing prayer. God will not forsake you. Your prayers will not be hindered.... if you are loving unconditionally..

Joy awaits you on the other side of the fire.

God bless

ok, i respect your post and your thoughts. however....

was my marriage perfect? no.
does got give us an out of marriage when there is adultery? YES!

i busted my tail the last 4 years of my marriage. with the help of my very christian former inlaws we prayed and i stayed as long as i could take it. my ex had more affairs than i can count. he slept on the couch for the last 2 years of our marriage. he never even touched me and looked at me with disgust and told me he didn't want me. i gave it my all for those 4 years until he had sucked the last ounce of self esteem out of me. he made it VERY clear he had no desire to be married to me and i had nothing NOTHING left.

has god helped me every step of the way? yes he has. i turn EVERYTHING over to god every single day and if not for him my bills would not have been paid since my ex left, i would not have gone back to school, i would not have the job i have. god has blessed me much more than i deserve. but i do not in any way believe god expected me to stay in a marriage that was filled with multiple infidelities done by a man who even told his own parents "i am no angel and i am so far from god at this point there is no turning back"

i do not hate my ex. i hate what he did to me and our children and what he put us through. we are all much better off not having his very sad example of immorality in our lives.

do i pray for him? yes i do. i pray that we can get to a place where we can co-parent our children and i pray every day that he will remember the love he once had for god.

but i do not in any way believe that every marriage can be saved. can god do anything? i believe he can, but he also gives us free will. and my ex used his free will to turn his back on god and have affair after affair. god will not force my ex against his will. if he did, it would not be free now would it?

i was not going to stay in a marriage any longer that was sucking the literal life out of me and my children.

i did not get married to get divorced, who does.

that is my 2 cents.

mlhb

MLHB. I feel for you. I believe you. I would never attempt to persuade anyone to do something that would put themselves (or God forbid) their children in harm's way. I think it is great you pray for your husband. I will pray for him, too, as I will you and your kids

OWF,

Why don't you go join the discussion on the Christian perspective of divorce that FH has started. Let me link it for you...

Click Here

Mark

OWF, well while I appreciate you quoting many of my phrases, I also disagree with all of your perspectives. Yes the bible does say those scriptures. It also states that adultery sets us free from a marriage.

Let's be honest, when you have been hurt by a husband for example, it is hard to PRAY for him. When those things are difficult, we as human being need to hold on to something a little more concrete until we come to the point of holding on to the more abstract, per sey, which is God.

If this were not the case, then there would be no need for Christian counselors, who put into perspective for us the reliance on God and his teachings and the fact that our X's have done so much to us. The BOTH of these helpS us as HUMAN beings to get through tough times.

And yes, divorce and God bless do go in the same sentence, because God does allow and approve of divorce when adultery is in the midst of things...does He not? So how is it that both cannot be put into the same sentence when He Himself does allow divorce in certain instances.

I fought with this issue through my divorce and relied on God Himself for very much. It was only when, as a christian, I realized that God "releases" people from marriages when adultry is committed. I have gone through the annullment process and learned this throughout counceling and bible teachings.

So yes, Tania, God Bless...and work on yourself...Ask God to lead you in the right direction...it is not up to you to figure out or "save" your husband...he needs to seek that with God...Work on allowing God to make you whole again.

This is a great thread...lots of writing and thinking here...You all have put so much into this post.

For those of you who wish to "stand" for your marriage regardless of the circumstances...try this link www.rejoiceministries.org

Tania, don't listen to OWF. He/she is speaking from an extreme place few people tread. The rest of us are living in the real world. You are married to a sinful, MEAN person, and you do not deserve to be treated like that. You will NOT change him, you already know that. MB does not condone staying in abusive relationships. You need to take care of yourself, if he is not willing to do it.