My FWH works in the construction field. During my FWH's A with a co-worker (they no longer work together) there was a construction company that had men that were also dating my H's OW. He used to get upset at one of them in particular(i think out of jealousy) although he now says he always got along with him he just did not loke his work style.

Well on Friday he was telling me about buying a bottle of wine for someone. I asked him who and he told me it was for this same guy that during the A he did not like. He said that he and some other people had made a bet about being able to do something. This guy was able to do it the way my H said it would work so he bought the guy the bottle of wine becasue his crew was the crew that was able to do what everone besides my H said would not work.

It bothered me very badly that he bought this bottle of wine for this person because he very likely is still seeing the OW and will probably take it to her and say it was from my H.

Am i making a big deal out of nothing?

That is the extent of your information?

Sorry, but not really alot of information to base anything on.

Maybe you are acting on your own paranoyia (god knows that I have on more than one occassion).

Have you confronted the individual in question straight up and voiced your concerns? What was his reaction?

Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK my FWH bought a bottle of wine for a guy that is seeing my FWH's xOW.

Should this bother me?

Still,
Hi, good to see you.

Generally speaking most activities and decisions should be POJA'd when possible.

Your feelings on this matter are a DIRECT result of his A. I'm sure normally you wouldn't care who he made a bet with. But someone who is dating the OW? Seems to me he shouldn't even be talking with this individual.

Is there anyway out of this bet?

Or can someone else buy the wine, or does it have to be your FWH?

I don't believe you are out of line here. Heck, anyone who associates with OW in my sit, is out of bounds for both my H and me. It's just a consequence of the A.

Can you two try to brainstorm to see if another solution can be reached?

Your feelings count and should be considered here, as always.

BTW,

This would be an LB and Dr Harley says that LBs should be avoided whenever possible.

Well he already bought the wine and gave it to the guy on Friday (which was the anniversary of the day we moved in together 24 years ago).

I was pretty upset by it and he thought i should not be. It was a work thing and he does not even know for sure if they are still seeing one another and did not ask.

I told him that even though that may not have been his intent since he did not know if they were together or not he should not have bought the wine because if they are still together (she is a big drinker) then they will be drinking it together and having a big laugh on me (I know LBs big time but i was really hurt by this and do not know if i am making a big deal out of nothing).

So, the contest was open to different crews and there was no way of knowing which crew was going to win.


Except that he didn't buy the bottle of wine for that guy. The bottle of wine was the reward for any crew that won the contest.



Yes and no. It's understandable that you would have a strong reaction to anything remotely connected with the OW. I can understand telling your husband that you still have strong reactions to references that remind you of OW and that this was unsettling for you and then let it go.

He was probably pretty proud that he had come up with an idea that proved to work, he had no idea who (if anyone) would win the contest, and through no choice of his own what was a happy, proud moment for him has become about the OW and a point of contention with his wife.

Don't give her power over you, your husband and your marriage by expending emotions on the thought that somewhere, somehow, she's laughing at you. Because, even if she is, it is the hollow laughter of the morally destitute and has no impact on your life whatsoever.

No, your FWH made something like this a big deal by having an A.

I'm trying to explain to my FWW why it bothers me to be around her half-sister's new BF...the one she was likely "seeing" before she split and filed for D from her H.

Why focus on whether or not your feelings are valid/invalid?

When you seek validation for your feelings, it leaves the door wide open for them to BE invalidated.

I realize this particular occurance has already happened now, but I think there is a valuable lesson to be learned for future conflicts.

If a similar issue should arise, why not try using a thoughtful request?

Tell your H simply that you feel uncomfortable about it. You don't need a reason. You feel uncomfortable...end of story.

Instead of telling your H that he "should" or "should not" have done something, try stating it this way, "I feel really uncomfortable about that and I would prefer that you didn't..."

From there you can POJA the issue together.

Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

yes

in the long term scheme of marriage....

yes

ark

He was probably pretty proud that he had come up with an idea that proved to work, he had no idea who (if anyone) would win the contest, and through no choice of his own what was a happy, proud moment for him has become about the OW and a point of contention with his wife.

Yes you are right about this Graplin and i feel bad about that. Although it was really not a contest per se, this guy's crew was the only crew so he knew who would win the bet if they were able to do it.

And i knew nothig of the bet or the wine until after he had already given it to this guy. In his job he is always going to run into people that know the OW but to buy a bottle of wine for the guy who is most likely still seeing her was a bit much for me take

Nor was it a bet that anyone expected to really get anything out of. It was kind of like I bet they can take that off of there without having to take the whole thing apart and no one else thought they could, but they did.

he ca't fix or change anything...
is he being a stand up guy in the recovery of your marriage...

is there true work going on, on recovery....

cause if there is, is this the hill to die on...

ARK

I don't blame you. I'd be pissed. IMO that is very, VERY close to breaking NC.

And i knew nothig of the bet or the wine until after he had already given it to this guy. In his job he is always going to run into people that know the OW but to buy a bottle of wine for the guy who is most likely still seeing her was a bit much for me take [/quote]

OK, but like I said before, I have been guilty of this as well. You can talk yourself into believing anything! And in addition, it will drive you NUTS!! It did me.

Two things:

1) Is there any possibility that this is all innocent?

2) Go to your husband as previously recommended and talk to him and let him know how you feel. Look for his response. You know what to look for, you have seen this before right??

Best to you and prayers will be said hoping for the best <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well i am not sure if he is or not. So i do not know if this is the hill or not.

There are lots of things that he has done but he is not at all TRANSPARENT and very often his plans change at work.

I know that this happened pre-A as well but i have asked him to let me know if his work plans change during the day and sometimes he does sometimes he does not.

Part of the reason for the A was his EN for sex was not being fulfilled and now that we are getting things back together he is not interested.

There are just so many little things that i see that i don't know if i am just looking for things or if they are there.

I sincerely FEEL your pain!! In fact it really does bring tears to my eyes. You cannot begin to imagine where this road leads and when the train is going to stop.

The human mind is a fabulous organ, but where it can bring pleasure, it can also bring pain.

The only thing that I would strongly recommend is for you to look around casually and be upfront, honest and assertive in communicating your concerns.

I am not familar with you entire story, but has he admitted and acknowledges the pain that he has caused? Are you guys using the POJA? If not that might be a good place to start, not to mention setting bounderies.

My gut tells me that this incident was innocent, but it certainly raises your level of awareness (and it should).

I would be casual.

I look forward to following your post and wish you the best <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

His response should have been more in the line of an apology that his actions hurt you. Not a total disregard of your feelings. That concerns me.

The bet was probably innocent. And it is in the past, so you probably shouldn't dwell on that specific incident. However, disregarding your feelings, not protecting you, continuing his independent behavior demonstrates that he's not quite getting it.


Unfortunately we can't teach a FWS.


Keep talking with him Still. Tell him how you feel. Use "I" sentences.

SC,



Would you consider this may be part of your pain? You haven't drawn the boundary lines clearly, aren't holding yourself to them...and only you can determine if this is the hill to die on or not. Until YOU know...he cannot know.

What if this incident hit you as a signal to get to your real issue?



Valid fears there...because his choice to be transparent or not is key to recovery. Big part of the wayward state of mind is owning what you didn't own as yours before...which means staying very honest with yourself. Choosing to act transparently helps to rebuild trust in ourselves (as a FWS), create and maintain the HABIT of staying honest...and if we are honest with ourselves, we will be honest with others.



Are you satisfied with yourself choosing to believe this was a reason for his choice to have an A? Reasonable to divorce you for, not to cheat on you. I've forgotten how far you are into recovery right now in terms of months...might be early and he hasn't gotten there yet...fully owning his choices, knowing his mindset, knowing his fog is crucial to recovery.

What are your boundary enforcements each time he isn't transparent? Those are on you, not him.



To me, this is totally understandable...you're not crazy, bad or wrong...you can choose to sort out your own stuff, and find out if you're being gaslighted (like the poster who heard you say he told you that shouldn't feel the way you felt) and feel better.

Seems to me your thread on this incident is checking reality...what is real and what isn't...classic sign you've been living in someone else's opinion. Would you love to know and own your own? Know your truth from the truth?

I don't see this as close to breaking NC...my DH told me of third-party contact this past summer...someone began telling him about OW (because they worked together and this was a coworker seen infrequently)...and DH said he didn't want to hear about OW and asked him to change the subject. He told me about it that night...well over two years in NC.

To me, that rocks...transparency continues. Very healing. Comes with time, I believe, and enforcing my boundaries around me...and him doing the same around himself.

You can get there, SC.

LA

LA,

Absolutely WONDERFUL post with excellant advice!! I agree wholeheartedly!!

Protect yourself at all cost and continue with your plan A, you are doing good paying attention to details, but please don't let your mind trick you into thinking more than what is actually there.

Plus, you always have Plan B to back up on. Your doing great, just stick with your plan and "Hang in there"!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />