i work in the field of social work myself. i have never had a more rewarding job. i understand exactly what you are saying.

mlhb

Thanks for that story. You don't know how much I appreciated it.

I work for a large governmental organization and I evaluate employment applications for particular job classifications. In management's wisdom, or lack thereof, they gave me human/social services job classifications. So, all day long, I read the job applications of social workers, child/adult protective service workers, QMRPs, vocational rehabilitation counselors, SSI claims evaluators, and the such like. You may well have helped me deal with these people when they call to ask questions.

cinderella,

i know all about child protective investigators... how funny you should mention that

feels weird doing this but i like this diary thing

WW and I sold her home in July 2004. The very next month was D-Day x2 for me AND three powerful hurricanes hit us in the same month. Our power was out for two weeks that month and if you haven't put 2 + 2 together yet I live in central Florida where it gets hot and muggy with no electricity

our rental had parts of the roof ripped off, mold started growing and we had to move shortly thereafter

so that August was a really tough month for me. i went to work one day (power was off at home but hey ya need child abuse investigators regardless of that) and i told my boss at the time that i needed an emergency two weeks off. i didn't really give my boss a choice. i basically said i'm taking the time off for emergency personal reasons

so i took WW and the two kids to gatlinburg and we rented a mountain cabin... outdoor jacuzzi, mountain hikes.

when i came back two weeks later, i learned that none of the other investigators had worked on any of my cases. now this is child abuse investigation here folks... blow off 20 cases for two weeks and ya tend to get some problems. so i had several "fires" to put out so to speak upon return

then on my first week back, i got six new cases. i started getting behind and i remember i had one particular case where i was having trouble making initial contact with the family because nobody was ever home when i went there.

my supervisor told me to forget that problem; that i needed to close one of my cases that was coming up on 45 days old (when we are legally obliged to close a case)

i was stressed to the hilt with all the adultry and my job... and i ended up telling her that i didnt care what she thought... checking on kids is more important than paperwork in a rather forceful way

got fired like two weeks later lol

went to the unemployment office and told em i don't care what you have me doing just find me work by tommorrow... here i'm a college educated man and i ended up mowing lawns in the projects for two weeks until God opened another door... the salvation army needed extra help due to the hurricanes and the rest is history

so that's my long... "hey cinderella i know a cpi story" story

august 2004: worst month of my life by far... i was shaky but never lost faith in God to provide

Hi again charliethree,

You give me too much credit. I type a mile a minute and I'm never short of something to talk about, having compulsively read a gazillion books to work myself out of my situation. I couldn't afford therapy with the la vida loca financial and time stress my ex kept me under, so books during lunch were my thing.

Plus I get lonely - I didn't realize I'd be going through empty nest syndrome with my divorce. My 18 year old moved out to an apartment with her friends and my 14 year old is only with me half the time. Monday and Tuesday nights I'm usually poking around the net looking for someone to talk to. All of my family is out of state and my friends are mostly newer coworkers.

After Thanksgiving I'm beginning my new fitness lifestyle. I need to get out there and live and at 45 I've lost the confidence of my younger, more attractive self. In my 20's, before I was married I was what you could call 'hot'. I'm pretty stunned how hard I have to work at being attractive now. Just another step in my recovery that I'm really looking forward to.

I really admire you all for the work you do. I'm not sure I could do it all the time. I do technical work and I like math. So, I guess I solve problems for a living, but more related to physics and spacial applications. I tried to work with people in the past, but it drained me, being more of an introvert.

I like what you said about God being good. I was just remarking to myself this morning how he can use all things for good, even the bad things of the past. It's really miraculous. I don't know how people get through things like this without God.

W.

warrior, if you ever get around to attending church services at the salvation army, you will hear a few people saying that... it's kind of like how the catholics... the priest says something and then the congregation says a response every service... a salvation army officer will say God is good all the time and the congregation replies and all the time God is good...

do you have instant messanger or anything... i'd be happy to blow off a few hours typing if ya get bored... heck i do too

i am an introvert. i can write my feelings with like the greastest of ease but...

i like to think out what i say... can't do that verbally

started wroting a book while i was stationed in Bosnia years ago but never finished it. the st petersburg times published parts of it in a weekly series that laster a few months...

dangit i keep digressing

k that last post took a few hours to write because i kept getting sidetracked at work

WW walked in to my office this morning dressed in her holy crap you are so incredibly hot outfit... smelled nice too. she came up to pick up some tax documents but i think it was a guise to say she was sorry for last night

a few people have told me that she sounds bipolar. i'm no doctor so maybe it's true who knows. she is more than moody though. one day she is literally having sex with another man and the next she is trying everything in her power to hang on to me

she switches from mean to nice... so easily triggered

dangit she has a smokin bod

bad charlie... move on fool... you know better... stop thinking about it... go jump in that icy river before i hafta smack ya upside the head u weenie

anyway...

my parents arrived this morning. they picked my son up from daycare and they will be at my house when i get home from work tonight. tommorrow the four of us are going to have a nice thanksgiving dinner. it will be the first time that i have tried to cook the yard bird although i'm sure my mother will intervene at some point lol

men love pretending we can't do certain things... women fall for it more often than not

and for those of you who are really paying attention, i just now verified that the homeless mother of two is going to have a spectacular Christmas this year... i met her son this morning and he was really appreciative... this 23-year-old soldier about to go off to war and here he is paying $1400 rent and buying his siblings school clothing, all the groceries...

imagine this guy going off to war worrying about how his mother and younger siblings are going to survive without him

i'm really not a Bible thumper... really i'm not

but in situations like this, having faith that God will provide and believing it... acting responsibly the way He wants us to... this is what He has presented me with... He knows I can do this... sometimes having people or the Holy Spirit just come right out and tell you that you can make it through this tough time... sometimes that's all some people need

ah blasted... now my lunch hour is over

hey, bible thumping only bothers me when well-meaning people say "have more faith" when you already do, you just need somebody to pick up the fallen ladder from where yer hangin! Know what I mean? (kinda went country there... I've got this Texan friend... very catchy)

I don't have a secure computer at home yet so no instant messenger yet. My cheating paranoid manipulative ex loaded spyware that I can't seem to remove without stripping the thing and he took all the important software except the startup disc. So, I may as well buy a new computer. I'll let you know when that happens.

It does sort of sound like your wife is bipolar. The swings to each extreme have different timing for different people. Some people can turn on a dime like your stbx and some have months or years before they shift. I tend to think the shifts are longer for bipolar. There may be more to your stbx's wife's problem than just one thing. Some people can be diagnosed with two or three things. My counselor's ex would do well for a few years, then within a month or two destroy everything they'd built up in that time. She did it over and over again over the course of about 20 years. Being also a pastor, he kept trying to remain faithful, but finally gave up and found out what he'd been dealing with, then became a counselor to help people like himself.

Also, my dad's wife (girlfriend, fiance, ex-wife, girlfriend, (quotes in the air ---cause I've called her all of these at different times and in different orders if you get my drift)) is bipolar. She can go months without a shift. She generally stays manic for that time during which you'd think you are the best person in the world for how she pumps you up. Then she goes depressive either when dad's traveling or when she burns out (from 20 hour days making handmade personalized gifts for twenty people) and lack of sleep for weeks on end. And God help you if you make her mad. She's also extremely accident prone, unlike no one else. It seemed like for days she'd go to bed at midnight and wake up before 4:00 am to complete some magnificent feat and then the next thing I'd hear from my dad is she'd drive six hours to meet a married romantic interest she'd only known over the phone in the course of business - married guy filed a restraining order, by the way, because her behavior WAS nuts. There was no reason for her to think they were so intimate as to do such a thing - she had pumped herself up in her mind, for a change. After that, Dad finally wouldn't let her come back and stay if she wasn't taking her lithium. That's his deal now. Period.

Gotta go... have a great holiday!

(P.S. - Your wife might also be turning nice and tempting, because she has a fantasy of you being her backup plan, so she mentally exercises this imaginary leash. It's kind of like giving herself false hope - a form of denial. Those backup plan maneuvers are tricky little buggers.)

Wow, I just read through this thread and your store and this sounds so incredibly like my first marriage. My first wife was diagnosed with bi-polar and in fact had such a severe case of it that she has been institutionalized several times during the worst episodes (and several times since we ultimately divorced).

I put up with the affairs, mood swigns, I'm the best man in the world today and most horrible monster tomorrow for the sake of "saving our marriage" for 8 1/2 years.

Divorce is never good. It was painful even after all she had done to me but today it was probably one of the best things that happend to me (that we divorced). I know its probably not what you want to hear right now and understand that I absolutely hate and detest divorce, BUT... I suspect ten years from now when you see her still bouncing back and forth you will be glad that you are not still caught in the middle of it putting up with the affairs.

Truly I feel for her today. It doesn't excuse her choices in life but its got to be incredibly difficult for her. I don't think she is able to be loved. Not that others cannot love her but she will never be able to feel loved the way we do, not consistently, not on an ongoing basis, not for any length of time before one of her swings or depression or something else sets in and destroys that for her. But I assure you, it's a never ending cycle. We are on civil terms, but on average about once every two to three months she calls me upset and angry and carrying on about all the things I did wrong and the ways she hates me and how I ruined her life. For the sake of our children in common, I just say "uh huh" and let her vent because a few days later she will be normal again. It's not that I care about preserving any relationship for ourselves because there is nothing between us, however its better for our children (on the occassions that she chooses to be part of their lives) if we are not arch enemies.

The best thing you can do for your wife is to encourage her, support her, tell her you hope she is happy and that you pray for her to find peace and happiness. The displays designed to upset you will quickly fade if they don't get reactions out of you. It won't be easy and it won't be without pain but she will do what she will do anyway so the only thing you can control is how you react to it.

And understand that it truly grieves me to see you or anyone else go through a divorce they don't choose. I hate divorce with a passion I cannot begin to describe.

I'll stop here because I'm rambling (which I tend to do). I think way too much, way too fast to put it down in words (and I type over 100 wpm), that's why I jump around in a single post enough to almost seem like I'm bi-polar.

Best wishes to you...

thanksgiving came and gone and my birthday is monday although it's a work day for me

my parents are a trip. it's like an unwritten rule that we cannot spend more than a few days together before everybody understands that it's time to get back to our own lives. my brother has the same experience.

my family doesn't like WW much because of what she did to me. WW says it predated them finding out about any affairs and she is probably right. her XH being a convict who threatened us alot over the phone and in letters was a problem before that.

kinda weird my mother is. she cheated on my father when he was trying to start a new life for us in florida while she, my brother and i closed the chapter of life where we grew up in the northeast

my parents spent the night wednesday and thursday. i woke up friday morning and 10 minutes after i walked out of my room they were in the car driving home

my brother called me tuesday night and then again tonight to see how it went. one really good thing is that since i filed for a divorce, he is starting to communicate with me more. i really miss him. he and his wife live a few hours south of me but we don't see each other often enough. time to change that

if the judge gives me the house (pleeeeeease judge lol) we are going to get together and tear a wall down in my house to open it up a bit. i thought the idea of a change i could see in my home everyday would be like a metaphor for the emotional changes. plus it would look cool the way i envision it looking

broke down and had sex w WW wife tonight. she had what sounded like a depressing thanksgiving. kinda felt weird afterward though. i told her about my plans for the wall and she got angry because "i lost her house." by the time she left the house we were both a bit angry. in retrospect it probably wasn't worth it but i'm still not over her yet and she plays that like a musical instrument

house is empty right now as my son is at her place with his sister

did some Christmas shopping today... thought about buying a HDTV but i might wait and see how the divorce pans out before spending any money. may also wait till i finish the wall project too

hope yall aren't too disappointed that i was weak but neither one of us has lost any resolve to move forward with the legal process

Charlie, like others suggest, just take your time. Don't force it but at least get out with friends and also start meeting new people.

I note you say you are an introvert. You should look at all the personal development material available - books, DVD's, CD's etc. I listen to a lot of these such as Wayne Dyer, Anthony Robbins, etc., and find them excellent.

I have learned to look for the positive in life, not the negative. Something goes wrong and I just look for what I've learned from it. There's always someone worse off.

yesterday (monday) was my birthday. got some clothing from my mother and WW but at the end of the day I kinda felt like i needed to get something neat... spend some money on myself. my car stereo has been broken for three years so i decided to finally fix it. felt good to put myself before others for a change

on sunday i took my son and his cousin to a movie then we walked the dog at a park

dropped my son off at WW's apartment that night because he wanted to play video games. i went home and then WW came to the house to talk. so we are talking and out of the blue she says she wants to have another baby... wants me to be the father... actually she said she wants to have another baby but doesn't want three kids with three fathers and since the father of her first born is a convict slash genuine ahole, she'd like it to be me

how romantic lol

i'm starting to think there is something very bipolar about this personality of hers. we are in the middle of a divorce and she is dating the third yahoo she has boinked since we said our vows almost eight years ago

i wasn't mean about it (maybe i should have been) but i did make it clear that it sounded like she was trying to trap me into not divorcing her... she answered by mentioning our anniversary coming up in january and not wanting to spend the rest of her life alone... yada yada

her plan is to get a house of her own, stay on good terms with me and maybe get back together a few years from now after she figures her life out

not a bad plan but in reality i probably won't be waiting patiently for that day to come

i came into work this morning and another woman (who i'd like to get to know better) left me a note asking when we were going to spend some more time together.

i went on one date with this woman like a month ago and it was a pretty bad first date. WW "just happened" to show up at the movies that day and she embarrassed the crap out of me. making the date worse, i took her to that movie "superbad" which lived up to it's name. we walked out 20 minutes into the show

kinda felt good knowing that even after all that she is still interested in learning more about me

maybe it was stupid but i called her this morning and later emailed her saying that i really liked her but with all this crap going on i wasn't in a position to start a serious relationship. i stressed that i really need a friend right now and that i really did want to get to know her more and then suggested a time to do something this weekend

got a call from a second girl i used to work with last week who wanted to meet for lunch some time too

and yet it still kinda bugs me to "date" before the divorce is final

dangit when is the sheriff's office going to serve WW?

Happy Birthday! And it sounds like you can definitely do better and must be a great catch, lol! Very smart to tell her you want a friend first, she will admire that. Glad you spent money on yourself, too, very wise move. And very wise way of handling WW. Great job, all around.

thx cat... always nice to get an attaboy

i did gain about 40 pounds during the marriage so it's not like im joe hunk or anything but overall i'd say i was a good catch too

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WW got served today then called me at work to call me a liar over an alleged $700 discrepency in reference to how much my retirement benefits are worth

kinda made me angry. the budget i submitted to the court has nothing frivolous in it... there are spaces for unexpected expenses, clothing allowances, food money for lunch at work... all kinds of stuff one could use to fluff the budget. all that was blank. it was a bare bones budget that showed the judge that i'm struggling even after making emergency financial adjustments after she left the home

only to be called a liar over retirement benefits... only been at this job for three years and it's not like we are talking about a ton of money in that fund

she has 20 days to respond to the petition. gonna be awkward in family court around Christmas... i should paint some christmas ornaments to mark the occaision

I don't have time to expand...but you should not be dating, or keeping company with other women until after your divorce is final.

As you stated, this is not the time. You need to settle things with your W or STBXW before seeking companionship with members of the opposite sex.

Even while in the term between the serving papers, and beginning to lead independent lives, fact is, you are still married, legally, and in the eyes of God.

To continue on this path is not healthy for you, or any female from which you seek companionship...

for what it's worth...

yea my mind knows that but sometimes my body doesn't

in previous posts i mentioned two women but it's really only one who catches my eye

i emailed her a few paragraphs about how things are really hectic right now and how i am not interested in starting a realtionship... you are right shattered_dreams and i kinda knew it too

it's a nice feeling knowing that there are other people who care, ya know? when all is said and done i am confident that i will find love again and there is no need to rush... it's just that sometimes the body and the brain have inner conflict that ya gotta fight back to stay on track

rhymes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

for the record, i am not thinking much about what i am posting here. i am treating this like an interactive diary... sometimes my ego gets in the way... but in the end, i'm a good guy who just wants to make this nasty process as smooth as possible

my feelings in many cases cannot be treated as fact... feelings are an ever changing miracle of life and this thread is just me thinking out loud because it helps me

but i appreciate all the input... that helps just as much as me simply writing all this crap down

bleh... back to paperwork at teh office

Well, I do understand your position, and had many of those thoughts myself. At times it was more than just difficult to deny myself the same "entitlement" my FWW was exercising at the time.

But to mix those new feelings with the whole cornucopia of stuff going on as a result of an A, will make any "new" relationship just as shaky as it can be.

I normally don't even post or read over here, but I think you posted to ShOcked on GQII, so I wandered over to see your "story".

IF you are interested in still saving your marriage, there is a lot more traffic on GQII, and you'd get lots of support over there, I think, although the boards are really hectic right now.

I just couldn't resist advising you to stay cool, and let your life move forward when the dust from the past has cleared.

Best wishes,
SD

do i still love the woman? yea

would i like a perfect marriage with her? yea

does she still express feelings toward me? yea

but three times she cheated on me... two years after we got married, four years, and then again at the seven year mark

i posted under a diffent name three years ago... documenting my plan A effort but at some point i stopped trying

six months after the second affair was exposed, i was still catching her calling and emailing the first guy she had sex with... at some point i just stopped plan A and went back in my comfort zone of ignoring her and spending time with the kids

which led to affair number three

so when you say stuff like if you still want to save your marriage... and this question goes out to all of you... how the heck can you save a marriage with three affairs spread out over time?

she can boohoo i love you all she wants now... the bottom line is that i simply can no longer trust her

last night was ridiculous... it's like she is being backed into a corner, finally realizing that i am actually moving forward with the divorce and she is getting downright verbally abusive

i hate divorce... my parents did it when i was in high school and later remarried. alot of times i think i have trouble expressing my emotions verbally because of that. and yet here i am. believe me i wish the marriage could be saved at this point

but i would probably do something really bad if she did it to me a fourth time and id rather not take that chance

The only solution I can see to this that would preserve the marriage would be for your WW to undergo serious counseling, to determine what's causing her to need this 'fix' she's looking for. Most people never attempt that unless they've hit rock bottom emotionally. Like if her kids meant everything to her, but the courts decided they should live with you. (I'm not saying this is your case, just coming up with an example of rock bottom) Only then would she wake up hating her life and asking how to get it back on track and being sincere about achieving it by doing serious soul-searching and being completely honest with herself and you about why she does what she does. It would take a life-altering change like that to make it work, IMO.

posted a question in GQII and appreciate input

thx

I've been talking to RL friends, IM'ing a few MB posters and experiencing life in general... and I'm still way confused.

My wife confuses the ****** out of me.

She moved out of our home and continued to date the third OM until around October(ish). I plan B'd her pretty hard since separation. We talked a few times but generally speaking it was always after she initiated contact. I enjoyed my time with my son, took care of the house, spent time with family, etc... but I rarely contacted her because I was genuinely hurt and tired of plan A'ing to no avail.

Recently, she has said stuff like I wish we were still together and she appears to be fighting the divorce by stalling. Last night she got my son to start chanting, "Take care of mom."

Her fantasy relationship with OM3 fizzled I guess and it kinda looks like now she is at the point where she is realizing how bad she screwed up.

My son started asking me when mom was moving back in after she left last night and I had no idea what to say.

When she touches me in just an innocent way, my body still reacts. It's frustrating.

It's like a Catch 22.

Anybody seen the movie Enchanted yet? I feel like I need my wife to draw the sword and fight the dragon to save me as a means to proove she means it this time... not just wimper back and use her body to make me weak in the knees.

It would make my son very happy to have her back. On the other hand, my parents and my brother would disown me for perceived stupidity. Half of y'all probably would too.

Anybody have a magic wand?