Listen to this, Pheonix. As moms, we want to protect our children. You may feel you need to protect them from the truth, but they need protected from your WH.

Everything we ever taught our children was being contradicted by my FWH's actions and words. They were dumbfounded. They were confused. They NEEDED the truth. When they had the truth, I could explain to them how quickly one can become engulfed in sin.

There are MANY, MANY Scriptural truths you will be able to teach them once they know what is happening with their daddy. I suspect that as a homeschooling mom, your top priority is your children's walk with the Lord. This is a very painful time in your and your children's life. BUT you can use it to TEACH them God's truth about many things. Aren't we homeschoolers always looking for life lessons to drive home a point we want to teach. This is an opportunity you have to teach them that we are ALL tempted and we ALL can become lost if we allow sin to take over.

Your WH will be furious. But SO WHAT. Realize that he is furious that you allowed him to suffer the CONSEQUENCES OF HIS OWN ACTIONS.

Your WH will twist God's truth to your children to justify what he is doing. He will have to, to continue on this path. It is frightening when you hear the garbage that they spew to their own children. Your children need to be equipped to battle this in their own hearts. They need to know that you can be trusted by being HONEST with them.

Find that fine line of telling them the truth AT THEIR LEVEL, without USING them to hurt WS. The consequences of truth will hurt him, be sure of that. Do not protect him from that. He NEEDS those consequences and your children need the truth.

I understand your pain and anger. My FWH would call most every night to "tuck them in". It was sickening to me to know that he was praying for them this oooeeeee, gooeyyyy prayer. Every evening I would get so twisted up inside when he would call. Once the kids were asleep, I would go in my room and sob for hours. Someone here told me to pray during FWH's calls to my children. I started just repeating over and over "Your grace is sufficient for me." It really helped me.


Been there, too. My 8yos would rage for hours at bedtime, screaming, banging his head, slamming his door over and over. It was the worst part of all of this. I thought I would not make it through those evenings. He would even yell that he hated ME, that he was angry with ME. I knew in my heart that I was the safe one to tell those feelings to, and that was why I was the target.

Hang in there. You can do this.


Plan B will not be harder on your children. They need the break from the chaos as much as you do. YOU are the stable one. YOU are the one making sound decisions. YOU are the one they can count on and trust. Yes, they need their daddy. But the man before you now is AN ALIEN.

As far as needing breaks. You are right, you need them. Find a friend(s) that can help you.

I had 3 friends that were my lifeline (as well as MBers). I told them all the details and they would pray specific prayers for me, my children, and my FWH. They continued to love us and him through it all. They "tag teamed" me, taking turns calling me and checking on me.

You have to find some local support. Be honest. Share your needs. Allow fellow homeschoolers or church friends to be there for you. It is humbling to admit you need the help, but it is important that you get it.

Your HUSBAND does want the beautiful family God gave him.

The WAYWARD ALIEN wants to fulfill his own selfish desires.

You have to see the difference here. There is a battle taking place in your husband. YOU have weapons at your disposal to help your HUSBAND win the battle:

exposure
Plan A and B
MBers
The Holy Spirit
Family
Friends
Your history

Do not doubt that this is a battle. You are fighting for you marriage, for you husband, for your children, and for your family.

My FWH has thanked me repeatedly for fighting for him. (now that he understand the tough love I dished out). But he was furious then.

thanks, SMB, for helping me put this part into the most positive light possible. that part overwhelmed me at the beginning, but i have begun to have hope that they can learn truth from this. i even felt afraid at the beginning to keep pouring spiritually into them - my H was doing SO well spiritually before this all began, some amazing things happening. and i feel like it almost put a target on his back for the enemy, who (seriously) took him down. even though i get that he had a million ways out this year, still.. it made me hesitant to make my children targets like that too.

but one thing my pastor said that was helpful is that these boys will have a lot of the same giftings and strengths that their dad did, but will have my guidance growing up and will hopefully be able to learn from his mistakes and move forward into what he was unable/willing to. that encouraged me.

BUT, do you think they need to know specifically that it's an A? my pastor has said he'd be willing to talk with them (mostly the 6yr old) about it; but i'm worried about that really hurting them. so far, H has let me say that 'he's making really bad choices, hardening his heart..' and not disagreed or said more.

Personally it's ahrd to know what to believe after you've been betrayed because it makes you question what was real in your marriage/relationship. Was the wayward ever sincere or was it just an act?

We all know you want your marriage back but the decision to file is to protect you from the collateral damage the affair is placing on your marriage. (i.e finances)

The holidays have been mentioned as a good time to file because of the their impact on a person's psyche.

As far as bipolr goes my sister is also bipolar II. It's a very difficult disease to deal with. However, my sister is finally in a good place after adjusting her meds.

As for my WxGF she only took her meds when she was depressed and she had recently been prescribed Zoloft by a Genteral practionner doc. Zoloft isn't the best drug for a bi-polar because it doesn't keep her mania in check. Bipolars need a cocktail to adress the depression and the mania and often need an anti-anxiety med as well. MEdication isn't enough either they also need counseling both invidiual and group.

Bipolars have a tendancy to stop their meds when they feel better but things only get worse so they need to stay on their meds.

SMB - ok, i totally get this. i'm with you. BUT -- i feel like i've been fighting (HARD) all year, and it seems to have gotten me nothing. i remember a certain point in the fog, before we knew that it was an A making him an alien, our pastors were praying over him and kept hearing/praying for 'FIGHT' for him. and i felt that too, if he would just get up and fight. but he did not, has not.

also, about a week before this all began last year, i felt like God very clearly gave me this scripture, though i had NO idea at that time what it was for:
[ parenthis mine, things i added from my own walk ]
..........

When you go to war against your enemy and see horses and chariots and soldiers far outnumbering you,
DO NOT RECOIL in fear of them.

God, YOUR GOD, who [healed you, saved you, freed you from drugs and bitterness and impurity, rescued H and grew him up, provided in miraculous ways.. ] brought you up out of Egypt, IS WITH YOU..

Attention [me] - In a few minutes you’re going to do battle with your enemies.

++ Don’t WAVER IN RESOLVE [give up, pause, shift your feet, reconsider]

++ Don’t FEAR [be afraid, be intimidated, ascribe power to]

++ Don’t HESITATE [rethink, yield, overanalyze]

++ Don’t PANIC [run, flee, flight, react]

God, YOUR GOD, is RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.
fighting WITH YOU against your enemies,
FIGHTING TO WIN.
.. .. .. ..
DEUT 20:1

and i did. i fought by loving, working, being gracious, being firm - but these days, i am feeling like it may just be over.

there was a point right after the truth came out, and i did do the complete exposure - except for at work which i'm working on now - where he seemed to truly be hitting bottom. everyone was fasting, praying. he called this men's leader and said 'i have to come over immediately, you have to help me do whatever it takes to save my marriage and family.' he then tried to break off A, and couldn't.

i don't see the situation getting much harder for him, so what else is really going to help? what is left for me to do, which i am working on, is file for D, not see him at all when he gets the kids (though i've really been not talking to him as it is now), and hopefully expose at work. those don't seem like that much, after everything else has not impacted him - loss of friends, church, anger of family, grief of kids, etc. am i really supposed to still feel hope, like there is any marriage left to hope for?

See, the thing is that he COULD NOT fight because he wasn't WILLING or ABLE. He KNOWS what he is doing. I remember when my FWH (and now DH) dropped by a mid-day prayer service at our church in the midst of his first affair. We were called to the front and surrounded by people praying for us. They were giving him Words of Knowledge. They even placed a sword (a toy) in his hand, lifted up his arm for him and told him that he was like a Gideon. The whole time I knew and he knew what he was doing. He was in tears. He was so lost and felt such shame at that moment. Even experiencing the power of God like that didn't make him change his mind. But seeds were planted. It wasn't until months and months later that he finally turned around.

So please, don't give up. I've seen God work the miraculous in my own life and in lives here on MB. Good seeds have been planted in your WH. The enemy, however, has also planted tares and that's all you see right now. You know the only way to tell the difference between wheat and tares? At harvest, the wheat bows and tares stand.

In the end the good wheat (your H) will BOW (in humility) and the tare will STAND (sin) and be DESTROYED.

wow, thanks for sharing all of that. i will reread later today when the kids are napping. in the meantime - it made me think these things:

how do i KNOW he will choose this though? i mean, he does have free will?

and what does not giving up right now look like? i'm guessing it's:
filing D
best plan B i can do with the kids
guarding my heart from bitterness, etc.

anything else? just waiting,
waiting
waiting..?

Beautiful.

The dark forest can seem scary, but it just may be a safe haven.

Yes, I do.

I told my kids that mommy got married forever but daddy did not. He has chosen to leave our family and has a girlfriend.

Be prepared. This will be the worst day of your life. I never felt so much pain as I did the day I told my kids. You'll find it in my thread. I don't want to go into it here. Just be prepared. My parents were with me. They sat with the kids while I took each one alone to my bedroom, cuddled with them, and told them.

The questions they have will break your heart. But they need to ask and they need us to answer...calmly, clearly, and simply. It's OK to cry with them. It's OK to tell them you miss daddy. It's OK to tell them you want daddy to come home, too. (as long as he is willing to do what mommy needs). But make sure you tell them often that you and them will be OK. They need to know that you believe that you are going to make it.

God's timing is perfect. I wish God had done it sooner. Those 6 months I lived were horrific.

BUT when I thought nothing was happening, God was (as FWH describes it) body slamming him every single night. He couldn't sleep AT ALL.

Let me ask you a question that was asked of me:

IF you could have your HUSBAND back, the man you fell in love with, would you want your marriage?

If the answer is yes, then do the plans here. If you are not sure, then do the plans here. Give it everything you've got. Have a timeline. (I will do Plan A for X amount of time. I will do Plan B for X amount of time.) Then you know that this is not indefinite limbo.

Consider Plan B a safe haven where you are removed from the drama the alien is producing.

When you have worked these plans, if your WS still is the alien, you can look your children in the eyes when they are older and tell them you did everything you could. You will even be able to tell them WHAT you did. I know you want to be able to face them and say you fought for their family.

You can do this.

This is awesome. Write this down and post it on your mirror or somewhere that you will see it everyday.

Fear not, for I (God) am with you.


And so are we. We are here for you. We know your pain. We know your fear. We will walk you through this fire and meet you on the other side.



But NOW you have the PLANS. Follow them.

There is no guarantee, P. You are right. He has free will. But you don't know what God is doing inside his heart. Hopefully, he will be totallty broken and remorseful one day. It is possible. It happens here. It happened to me, to Ace, to PrincessMeggy, and to many others. We all thought it was NOT going to happen at one point or another.

But what can you count on? God's Word:

I know the plans I have for you, not to harm you, but to prosper you.

Whether it is healing your marriage or something else, God's promise here is truth. Claim it.



Focus on what you can control.

Stick to the plans, even when your feelings change. You will continue to ride a terrible roller coaster of emotions that will hail you all over the emotional spectrum.

Read SAA and the articles here. Study the material. It helps so much when you can really begin to see the principles play out. When you see the fog, when you hear the babble...and you can call it what it is.

Set boundaries and enforce them.

Make a list of what would it take for you to ALLOW your H to return home. This will help you if he ever does come to you asking to return home.

Build a local support network that can help you with kids and with your home. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH. People will help you when they know what you NEED. TELL THEM.

Take care of yourself. Get plenty of sleep and eat well (as best you can). Exercise--take walks, use a video at home.

I will post in a bit about managing your school load. I can help you with some thoughts on this.

As for schooling...

You need to make things as simple as possible for yourself right now and understand that greater lessons can be taught in this phase of your life than just who sailed the Mayflower and what is a conifer.

Your kids are young. Tell me more about how you do school and what are your state's requirements. If you are uncomfortable posting here, let me know and I'll give you my email.

What grades are you teaching? I would assume by your children's ages that you are either doing K or 1st, and maybe preschool.

IF you are teaching the 4 year old (and I am NOT implying that you "should" be), do you combine your two oldest for any subjects?

What curriculum are you using and what approach do you use (unit studies, canned curriculum, classical, principle, hodge podge of things, etc.)

I know your kids are young. Do not be intimidated by my questions. Just tell me a little about yourself. I have mentored many new homeschooling moms over the years. It's my favorite thing to do.

You can do this. The two things I will tell you right now, regardless of how you answer the above questions:

1. Keep it simple
2. Stick to to basics

phoenix4, if you have any question for sexymamabear's husband, here is the link to his post below:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=2&fpart=1

THANKS GUYS!!!!
i wish i had more time to sit with this all right now - but i have a friend who flew in from out of town today to spend the weekend with me. which is great - i am going to try to have this all happen while she's here (expose at work, letter plan B, and papers filed/served) - so i will have some good support from her.

BUT, i can't wait to have the time to sit and read through all this wonderful feedback. thankyou a million times over!!!!

SMB - i would love to email you directly about the schooling if that's possible?

also, if anyone has more to say about exposing at work, that is what i am most anxious about right now. i really think i'm going to do it monday; but my lawyer is nervous about it. he says it can shed light badly on me, especially if H were to lose his job (since she is his subordinate), and if that happened i might lose out on any temporary maintenance and such. that it could end up taking away my 'good position' in the legal eyes. thoughts..?

i have not been able to find a way for him to see the kids without using the car, so i think i'm just going to focus on not having him in the house, and not seeing/contacting me. that stuff is easier to get in place.

BUT, he's still not going to like it. And if he gets angry, what are my options? technically, i can't change the locks or keep him out of the house right? it makes me feel like in my planB letter i should try to explain to him my reasoning for this so he will understand better and not fight it, but i'm guessing that's not the best idea? if he wants to talk about the details or changes some things around, do i let him?

i'm just afraid he's going to get mad and say something like - if you're going to be like that, i'm just going to move back in and come and go as i please. and really, i can't stop him, right?

ALSO, i've decided i am going to send his boss an email monday about the affair. My plan is:
+ email H the planB letter sunday afternoon
+ file the papers monday (though I guess there's no way of knowing when the sherriff will serve him, sometime in the next couple weeks..)
+ email his boss Monday

he has a bad temper, and i'm feeling really nervous about it all. though also feeling like it's going to be better to just get it all over with and start moving..

thoughts?

hey - if anybody has a chance to read my two posts above, i'd really love some feedback before i do this tomorrow - some people i know are just not sure about it, but i know it's the strongly recommended advice here.. would just love a few words of encouragement since i'm pretty sure i'm going to be coming up against a pretty strong retaliation from him! thanks!!

You won't know, so its not a problem. You will be in Plan B. You can EXPECT him to get mad. They ALL DO when they lose control over the situation.


Yes, technically, you can change your locks and keep him out of the house. You go to Home Depot and buy new locks and install them.


You can't reason with him so don't even try. He can't change things around and there is no reason to talk to him. He has no say in your decision to go dark because only you gets a vote in who you choose to communicate with.


He would need to get a court order to do this.