Hi Sonny:

First of all, my apologies for taking so long to respond to you - I don't usually check my Hotmail account (in fact, its sole purpose of existing is to act as my contact e-mail for this site). And I don't respond by e-mail - too much of a security / privacy problem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I'll jot in some quick responses below to your message without going into the details, but I strongly suggest sharing your story here - there are many people on here with much more experience with helping others than I have, and much more successful in their recoveries as well.

BTW, your story sounds quite similar to mine in quite a few respects. In my case, both myself and my W were quite "strong-willed" (to put it politely), and didn't like it when we didn't get our way. Of course, now we know the value of the POJA, though we still have some difficulty at times putting it into practice. But, prior to D-Day, and running across MB in my desperate search for answers, our M was suffering quite a bit like yours.



This story sounds so familiar, and I'm sure that quite a few of the other BHs here heard similar things as well. The harmless guy friend, etc. etc.. Typically it turns out that the "harmless guy friend" was only pretending to be so, and turns out to be no friend at all, and sometimes has a whole other persona that's kept hidden from their target - your W.



Unfortunately, I think women catch on to these things a lot faster than us men do.



Sounds oh so familiar, unfortunately...



Many WS will grasp at any available opportunity to blame their choices on something else, rather than admit that they're doing something wrong. Your WW is no different. While understanding that you didn't meet some of your WW's needs, and letting her know that you understand this, you should make it very clear, to her as well as to anyone else, that you are not taking responsiblity for her choice to have an A. That choice was hers, and hers alone, and she has to bear 100% of the responsibility for that decision.



Is she still involved in the A? If so, conventional wisdom here suggests that MC will have little impact..until the A ends.



Exposure should be done to all you can think can adversely influence the A, including the children if they are old enough to understand. While your M may survive her anger... it definitely will not survive if her A continues.

ManInMotion --

Thanks for the respones. I don't know if you have followed my story. My WW has now moved out of our house and into her new house. She still seeing OM.

How did you WW com out of the fog. Did the presure at work make any diffrence? How upset did she get? My WW resents me for the exposure I have done, this has only driven her away even more. What took place, that your WW woke up.

Thanks

Sonny

My case is slightly different. My FWW continued to work with the OM for just over 7 months after D-Day, and that did a lot of damage to our M. No exposure was done at the office by myself or my FWW. Basically, I didn't know about MB then. I acted like almost everyone else does who doesn't know about MB - I tried to keep things hidden away. In hindsight, I can see the damage that caused.

OTOH, the extra time my FWW spent with my H showed her what a cad he was. He didn't care about her at all, and flaunted a relationship that he was having with another woman from the office right in front of her. Also, the OM also told some of his friends about his A with her, and in this small community, such news gets around fast. Her departure from the office was influenced primarily by the shame and embarrassment from that - and that's not my opinion: she told me as much.

As for coming out of the "fog", I think she's mostly out, but I think we would have made much more progress if I was aware of MB back at D-Day.

On what plan do you think she came back. I am getting ready to start Plan B. Her A is hurting too much lately. I can't see her without feeling some pain. All I could think of is her A. She makes it seem like it's so inocent, that it's one of those things that happens. She has appologized for starting this A, even thought she does not call it an A. She tells me that she should have ended the marrige before she started with OM. Even though she tells me this she has done nothing to stop the A. She know how painful this is for me. I am affraid that she just truly does not love any more and does not care enough to stop the A even thought she know its wrong and it's hurting me. She claims she wants to be my "friend". I've told her the same so that I can work on Plan A. But to be honest I can't be her friend until she ends this A. I am affraid that if I make her choose between out "friendship" and the A, she will choose the OM. She is so lost in that fog. She tells me she does not want to hurt me. She just wants to be "free". I would not mind giving her some space if she was not with OM. But I'm affraid if I remove myself from the picture (plan B) she will just enjoy her A even more. She will not see the pain that it causes.

I feel I am left with very little cards to play.

Sonny

Sonny,

Just as a reminder...

Plan A is working on you to make you more attractive to your WW. It is learning to meet her ENs, without you getting anything in return, while doing away with Love Busters so that you can make maximum deposits into her LB$.

Plan B is about removing yourself from her constant rubbing-your-face-in-the-affair daily bovine-excrement pain of the affair. It is designed to protect you from her so that any love you have left for her is not killed by her continued selfishness (the ultimate IB Love Buster).

Neither one is designed to bring her back. Neither one is designed to make her do anything. Neither one is supposed to fix the marriage.

The better the Plan A, the more Plan B is needed. By giving your all to Plan A, you expend your LB$ balance so fast your love is dying quickly.

Sometimes, exposure causes enough embarrassment that the affair comes to an end.

Sometimes Plan A shows the WS what they are giving up and the affair ends.

Sometimes Plan B causes the affair partner to try to meet all the ENs of the WS and the affair ends.

Sometimes the affair partners get tired of each other and the affair ends.

Sometimes someone else comes along and gets involved with one of the affair partners and the affair ends.

Sometimes the WS begins to miss the BS and the affair ends.

Sometimes a divorce is pursued and granted and the BS starts to move on and then the affair ends.

Sometimes the BS decides enough is enough and files for divorce themselves, moves on and finds someone else to spend the rest of their life with and then the affair ends but too late to redeem the marriage.

In over 90% of all cases the end comes within two years.

Plan A is to show her what she is giving up.

Plan B is to keep you from giving up.

You can't go into Plan B and worry about what she is doing or it isn't really Plan B.

Mark