You are definately right here...it does feel like another divorce...it is horrible and a true sign that we weren't ready to date to begin with.

I truly believe that divorce changes our perception on things in life forever, not necessarily in a negative manner,but definately opens our eyes to some things that we had shut them to before.

Very true. There is no doubt in my mind that divorce has changed my perception of relationships. Most change has been for the good, but some of my opinions are now rooted in belief that nothing is forever, that people change, and those who once loved you can later tear you apart.

Nevertheless, I am happier now than I have ever been in my adult life. I am in my 2nd LTR (3 years) with a wonderful woman. The whole "process" of divorce has matured me a lot.

One of my favorite quotes is this, from Annie Hall:

...I, I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs.

Personally, I think knowing that nothing is forever is really liberating. I'm in a LTR, and I think we'll be together, but that doesn't mean the relationship or either of us will stay the same.... Knowing this, I think I'm more open to change.

Have you all noticed that the 1st LTR after a divorce NEVER works, or if it does, they are very few and far between.

I have never heard anyone say that their 1st LTR after divorce worked. Maybe because we get into them too fast after divorce. A trial and error thing. You know as I was in my LTR I knew the chances of the 1st LTR really working...I knew it was slim to none...but I think it is one of those bumps that we have to cross in order to get to our destination.

Funny, I just got off the phone with a friend who is in the early stages of separation and is going to a support group. She said the counsellor told the group that typically people will go through up to 3-4 rebound relationships after divorce. These RR's are quite different from previous R's in that generally speaking, communication is far better. Some develop in to medium to LTRs, though they still have elements of rebound. If these R's end badly, it can be just as devastating as the D and take you right back to the beginning. But if they come to a healthy end (i.e. mutually through enhanced communication), you can actually grow from them and move on.

I don't know how true this is. I'm in my first one and it's only been 3 1/2 months so it's hardly LT and I'm already seeing signs of the end. He is 1 1/2 years past SA, it's the 2nd R for him and IMHO the signs I'm seeing are due to rebound on his part rather than mine.

1. When you want a relationship but don't need one.
2. When you are happy on your own and can tell yourself you may always be on your own.
3. When other things in your life seem more important than getting into a relationship.
4. When you turn down dates (I thought I would never do that but I have).
5. When you aren't hurting from your divorce.
6. When you actually look forward to being alone.

Very true; especially number 1. Even though my first LTR ended I didn't date other women until I wanted to. That change took place over a year - not wanting to be involved, enjoying my alone time, which my SO and I both need to this day, and realizing that I didn't need another person to "validate" me.

I even posted here a year to the day from D-day about how happy I felt to be free of the toxicity of my M.

How long it takes to achieve all the milestones in the list is, of course, dependent on numerous factors, but it's some of the best advice I've read lately.

I think people that go through 3-4 rebounds must be very slow learners! I dated several people very, very casually after my divorce and then my rebound was at 1 1/2 years after. She was a sweatheart but we have some very different parenting beliefs. Now, I would run from someone that has children that acted like hers, hence, I have learned.

If I date now, after one rebound, my eyes will be wide open. Also, it will be slow to develop as I will want to get to know everything about the person.

Thanks for reminding me men are victims of this too.

I don't miss my WS, but I HATE what WS and D is doing to COM and myself. It is hard to hope that there's decent men/women left when you've been with a serial adulterer.

I hope things continue looking up for you.

BHINWI-
That is a very good list... I agree with it.
I think that a lot of people desperately try to fill the hole in their life after a D with a new R. If they would just realize that they should learn to be happy by themselves and for themselves, it would be so much nicer!

I have actually dated some since my D went through, and since I am not NEEDING a R, I am able to see things a lot clearer.

As far as for how long did it take me to recover from the D? Not too long actually. We were separated for over a year, I mourned the loss of my M then, when the D went through, I shed no tears, I felt relief. It was OVER. No more wondering. It was amazing how once the page turned I felt better.

Me and my EX now are trying to work together with the kids, and I no longer feel 'it' for him anymore. He has moved on, he seems happy, and it does not really bother me. Do I want to see him with OP? Not at this time, but I do not think that it would really matter that much anymore. Sometimes I think that it is better to get a D, then to live forever unhappy. He was not making me happy, I was not making him happy. Together I think that we would not have been able to make each other happy UNLESS we were different people... completely different people. We are not bad people, just two people that did not mesh well together after kids came along.

So, for me, it did not take too long, once I removed my rose colored glasses and saw US for what we were. And I just thought it would be sad to live the rest of our lives not really happy... Right now I am very happy. Life is good. There is a silver lining after you get a D, as long as you look for it, and not always look at the rose colored picture behind you.... move forward, and it will be ok....

BHINWI - I agree with your list. In fact, I can't believe that I have achieved 5 of the 6 on the list.

Since WH & I still share a home, I still have some pain of the pending divorce and the loss of the M, to go thru yet.

The only good thing that came from my WH many A's was my INDEPENDENCE.

I do wonder how many years it will take ,if ever, for me to lose the battle scars of living together but separately?

So let's say you meet someone that has also meet all 6 criteria of your same list. What would want them or myself to have a relationship with somone else? Would they/I want to give up that independence they gained thru D? Have we become to strong/set in our ways to share our life again?

I have confusion of ever wanting a LTR again, sometimes I don't see the point. I see WH still going from OW to OW and not finding happiness, he's not truly happy w/them or wasnt' w/me, so does it really exist?

Someone said, they get pressured because they are in their late 40's and they are told "they are going to end up alone". but, if you are alone in a M or alone/alone, what's the difference?

Hugs

If I met someone with the criteria on my list, it would tell me they are probably ready for a relationship, but that doesn't mean we are compatible.

If someone is ready for a relationship, the rose-colored glasses are off. They will take time to get to know people, casually date a few to compare and see what is out there. I think if one dates this way, they are much more likely to find someone compatable. Also, if they don't find someone, they may be disappointed, but they are still happy.

When I look back at my first (and only) serious relationship after my divorce, I so incredibly overlooked issues that we blantly wrong between us. I did because I NEEDED a relationship rather than want one. The sad part is I had to break a very sweat woman's heart to find this out.

So... if I can prevent ONE person from rebounding, then I have done something good. Don't date before you are ready - you will get hurt and you will hurt your partner.

Keith