Hi, this is my first time to post here. Just a brief history. Married 12 years, 2 amazing sons. Problem?

My husband has had a one night stand about 6 years ago on a night out drinking with some friends. He was out of town for work. He didn't admit to it until I had caught him chatting online with different women and confronted him with what I knew. I had no idea about that. We went to counseling and really worked on our marriage. Or so I thought!

Two years ago, he had a brief affair with a woman he met online, again while away for work. I found out through a mistake on her part and he didn't admit to anything until she told me the truth. I wanted out but the thought of doing that to my kids was something I couldn't deal with, plus, I still loved him for some reason. We went through marriage counseling and both through individual counseling. Throughout all this he kept telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me and how he didn't want to lose his family.

I had found this site just read, never posted. Bought the books did every questionaire on here. Everything seemed to help. We were doing great, it was like when we first met again. Or so I thought!

Since all this I have told him a few stipulations. I didn't want him drinking or going online looking at what I consider porn even if it is free. Two things, should be easy right? WRONG!

In the last week and a half, I put the keylogger back on the computer and have found him looking at all sorts of things that I DO NOT approve of. He does not know I know about this. He is not chatting and does not have an email that I don't know about. At least he hasn't logged into one. I feel like he is totally disrespecting and disregarding my feelings.

I am sorry this is so long, I just need all the facts out there so I can get some honest opinions!

Is this just a guy thing, to look at this crap? My brother says it is. I just don't understand how he can look at it knowing how I feel and then look at me and smile and say "I love you". It's disgusting to me. This is really taking a toll on me physically. I have lost 8 pounds in the week and a half without trying and I've tried.

Please give me your thoughts on this. Is this something I should be upset about and should I just finally throw in the towel? Right now, I feel like I am going to end up right back at him doing something stupind.

CW07:

Your married to a serial Cheater.

TWO actual PA's that you know of.

Other EA's with internet woman that you may not know about.

You have been to MC and he agrees and says that "he won't do it"

And then he continues to do so.

So, your disgust with him is understandable.

There are a number of threads in the emotional needs forum's regarding porn use.

You sitch is a synthesis of these items.

Your H has had and continues to be vunerable to, Affairs, and he has the porn issues as well.

So, how is your SF prior to last week? Often? Fulfilling? Connected? Rough? Tender?

How long was he surfing, did he stay long? Many nights?

What happened during the day, or that week?

Just looking for background to start attacking this thing...

LG

confused,

I understand how you feel about the porn....and I don't like anything that supports that industry....but....I think it's important for you to recognize that you found out something encouraging too....he isn't involved with chats or emails with women. He hasn't been honest or followed the rules he agreed to....and that's a problem....but it's a problem that can be addressed with some understanding and honest communication. Many women think about porn use....as infidelity and cheating....the same way. I understand that, but I know it isn't the way men think about it. I'm NOT defending his use, but I do hope I can convince you to talk to him about this and reitterate how much it bothers you, without putting him into a defensive mode where he feels accused of cheating.

Keyloggers are pretty good at catching everything....so I'm not happy about what you found, but am a little encouraged. Don't be so angry about his failure that you don't see his success too...okay?

editted for grammar

CWO7:

What exactly are we talking about? Without listing the site.

Okay, first off thank you for answering so quickly. In the last 11 days, it's been all but 3 days, he has been on numerous sites for about 1-2 hours at a time. It's always at night after I fall asleep or in the morning before I wake up. We go to sleep together.

Everyone that knows us says we are truly each other's best friend. As far as the SF (I had to look that one up), it was pretty regular, at least once a week. It's always been good and for the most part gentle. I hadn't wanted to in about 5 days. He did last night and all I could think about was "is he trying to imitate something he saw?" I was just glad when it was over.

And so my first post wasn't so long I tried to hit the major points. He has surfed this crap before, maybe 3 or 4 different instances that I know of and I have said something everytime. This is all since finding out about the first one night stand 6 years ago.

Before all this, i used to be one of those women that would say fine, do want you want, if you want to look at that then have at it as long as you don't go sleeping with anyone else but me. It didn't bother me and he knows that he changed my views on that forever.

What I have found to start with is looking at pictures of sex acts, looking at nude women and searching for certain actresses and others nude. Basically, everything that bothers me.

And what gets me is I am 5'8" usually 155 lbs (now 147), I've been told I am attractive and maybe that sounds concieted, but I just don't get why he needs to look at anyone else. And it really makes me doubt myself.

You mentioned that you had filled out the questionnaires. What are his emotional needs, and what are you doing to meet them? And, can I ask what prompted you to put the keylogger on his PC?

Regards,
rs0522

His top three emotional needs are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship and affection.

We are both very affectionate towards one another. We hold hands in the car and when we're just sitting on the couch. I actually joked with my mom over Thanksgiving that we are giving our sons the idea that this is the way relationships work. I don't want them knowing that till they get married. Our oldest is about to be 12 and I said that I didn't want him thinking at 16 he needs to be all kissy, kissy and such with a girl.

I have taken up golf because that is one of his favorite pasttimes. I'm not very good but do enjoy it. We try to go at least once a month if not twice together.

I have tried to be more sexually aggressive, I don't know if that's what you'd call it. I was never one to initiate very often. I try to do that now, it's easier now to initiate.

The reason I put the keylogger on the computer I guess is the 1 BIG point I forgot to mention. I looked at our cell phone bill and noticed that he had accessed the internet (only for 26 kb worth, which is basically getting on and then off) on his phone at 4:45 in the morning the day before Thanksgiving, we were at my parents house and obviously at that time everyone was asleep.

Then about 30 minutes later he got a multimedia message from some number I had never seen. I called the number and it went to some woman's voicemail. I have been trying to call it (hiding my number) and she never answers. Not that she would tell me anything but I would still like to ask.

This raised a red flag, that's why I put the logger on the computer.

I have looked through all the cell phone records going back 9 months and have found nothing. No other phone numbers that I don't know. Nothing.

That's why this is so confusing to me.

Does anyone have any advice? I tried to answer the questions, I need some help now!

Did you try to do a phone look-up on one of the web sites that give info on phone numbers? There is info on that on spying 101.

I would be very interested to know what that phone call was all about.

In my marriage, my H has not looked at porn to the best of my knowledge. He has always linked s*x with a relationship. So porn has never been an issue. I do think that it is a reasonable request that porn be excluded from a marriage. There are men who are able to not look at porn. He should honor your request.

Ok, here's my question today....

Should I just say something to my husband about the multimedia message that started all this and just ask him what it was? I can be about 98% sure that I wouldn't get the truth if there was something to it.

And should I say something about the online porn?

I just want to stop thinking about all this but I can't. I feel like I am falling right now. I need to get out of this hole that I am sinking in. It's getting harder and harder to act like everything is fine while trying to find out more.

I am making an appointment today to see a counselor because if I don't I can tell I am leading right back to the depression I have been through before. I can see the signs.

Thanks to those that have read this and posted. I really appreciate it.

"In the last 11 days, it's been all but 3 days, he has been on numerous sites for about 1-2 hours at a time. It's always at night after I fall asleep or in the morning before I wake up."

This is exactly what my serial adulter WXH started doing about a year before he moved out. On weekends he started taking naps in the daytime and staying up at night to be on the computer while we were all asleep. Also he stopped going anywhere with me and our daughters, preferring to stay home alone... He even removed the doorknob from the door to the room where the computer was so we couldn't walk in on him... he claimed it 'broke'... youngest daughter said 'uh-uh Daddy kept hitting it over and over again until it came off'!

I belieive that my WXH had been looking at porn at work for a while before that because they fired some guys from work for that and he came home in a rage and was going to quit is $55 per hour job because he supposedly felt the ocmpany had mistreated those guys... I know one of those guys had been put on probation for a year already for 'something' and for that year he'd been assigned someplace else instead of the control room (at a nuclear power plant). My WXH was the computers system analyst in charge of all password and security so I think he was either able to cover his own trax better or maybe if it was the first time he got caught he was just given a warning or probation? I think the whole threatening to quit thing was because he was afraid he was going to get fired too.

I don't think you should try to discuss what you've discovered privately with your WH because around the same time I found out about this porn addiction with my WH he was also starting to exhibit some rage issues. In spite of my having some evidence of porn on our home computer (besides all his mysterious behavior) he adamently denied and just told me I was 'crazy'. He even called our youngest daughter a 'liar' for saying he purposely broke that doorknob off! I don't remember where I read it now, but I did read that continued porn use often leads to violent behavior. IMHO you should have a trusted close friend, relative, or even pastor or counselor present when you confront him with your evidence and objections. Even if he doesn't become violent when confronted he most likely will try to gaslight you into believing that you really didn't see the evidence, or that porn is OK, or that you're crazy, or that somebody else must be repsonsible for the evidence (my WXH try to blame our daughters!).

Also, I was believing at the time that my serial adulterer husband had finally quit cheating... but later found out that the same time all this was going on at home is when he was beginning his relationship with OW#7 at work. Don't assume that he is looking at porn instead of cheating. Porn tends to 'inspire' those who view it to emulate it...

He definitely does not have anger issues. He's a very laid back person. That's why this is hard because he seems happy enough in our marriage.

I finally got a hold of the woman who's phone number that sent the message. She acted like she would never be up that early in the morning and didn't know what I was talking about. I don't know if I am biased but I didn't believe her.

Does anyone think I should go ahead and say something?

Maybe I've got the MB rules down wrong, but isn't honesty one of the key issues? Maybe it doesn't work that way with infidelity cases, as I haven't had to research that part, but I'm inclined to believe that to stay in a marriage you need to be able to tell each other the truth. I would ask. Not judge, but ask. Then try to reach a POJA about it.

Catperson might think they have the rules down wrong, but they don't.

Radical Honesty. No Lovebusters. POJA with safe negotiation. You're going to want to encourage honesty---and not drive him underground more...

Confused,

I can sure understand why you are confused. That's what happens when you try to put the pieces of an infidelity puzzle together.

I think you're at risk for a Sexual Aversion toward your husband by having sex with him when things are NOT right.

If you think you can hold your feelings in like I did, I must warn you that those feelings will come bursting out at the seams - in due time.

Through much gaslighting and lies in the last year+, I am just now getting some truth out of my husband.

It didn't happen until the sex stopped (which also stabilized the emotions).

You don't have to lay down for an adulterer. First you need the truth from him. Then you can work out everything else.

If he's going to forsake you for other women, that is not fidelity. It doesn't matter if she's a ONS or a paper model.

This is what I don't understand. You talk about honesty, radical honesty. I can be as honest as the day I was born. I already know that he won't be honest. He has never been able to give me reasons as to why he has done the things he has done.

I am just worried that maybe there is no changing for him. That this is just the way he is.

You can be honest about your feelings - that you are uncomfortable about his online activities. Let him know that you would like the porn sites blocked.

Whether or not your WH ever becomes honest, ever changes, you still need to be honest about the fact that his behavior is betrayal and hurtful to you.

He might not change in response to you setting some healthy boundaries of what sort of treatment you will accept.

But it's extremely unlikely that he will miraculously just change someday WITHOUT you speaking up!

Also, a porn addiction doesn't just go away or even stay the same without intervention. Don't assume that just because you are too afraid to confront him now about the porn that he will not cheat on you again or that his porn addiction won't get even worse.

What does it say about me? I feel like I am just waiting to find something else out so I can just say "see, it never ends and I'm done". I don't think that's what I want. I couldn't get an appt until wed for me.