Please disregard. I'm a bonehead.

I'll give as many details here as I can.
I'm 28, my H will be 41 in the near future.
Our daughters, the eldest will be 2 in March.
The youngest, will be 1 in June.
June 2008 we will be married 3 years.
The affair, it was on and off for about a year if you look at all aspects of it. Emotional, physical, etc. The physical took place once or twice after the birth of my daughter. At that point, it only occurred because I was afraid of losing someone that might be an important part of her life. Ridiculous, I know.

My husband has asked that we work on this one day at a time. He's working with someone, and I will be working with my doctor on a weekly basis, as well as coming to this forum for help, for advice, for venting, for crying, for learning.

My husband has said that he does not want details, that he could never handle details.

This affair ended more than a year ago.

We do live in an area where it would be dangerous for a woman to disclose having had an affair. Our families, we do not feel, need to know about the affair, as it would only hurt the relationship that we have with them. My husband has told me repeatedly that we will be able to work this out, we will be able to move forward, but that it's a process and we need to work through the process.

I miss him. I feel awful about myself. I know that I'm a terrible person. Not worthy of him. If it weren't for my girls, I don't know that I'd still be here. He's hes amazing man that deserves so much and all I've done is hurt him. I've hurt him and let him think that I'm a wonderful wife when all I was, was terrible, heartless, disrespectful and mean.

How do I begin to heal? You've told me that I need to let him heal, I need to let him do what he needs to do for himself. What do I work on with me? How do I make some of the pain go away, how do I learn what my problem is?

As far as our eldest daughter is concerned, I may have said so last night, but he said that he's not ready now, nor does he know if he ever will be, to find out the true paternity of her. He always asks, where do you think she gets that from? It breaks my heart that each time he goes to ask that, he's going to stop himself and remember that there's no way to know where she gets something from. I've asked him if he wants me to go ahead and have her tested and not talk with him about it. He said no. I need to respect his wishes. At the same time, I truly believe that she is his daughter and part of the heartache that we're feeling could be alleviated if we had her tested. However, the other side of that is that if I'm wrong, it would be devastating. I know that in regards to all decisions, all choices, I need to do what he needs.

I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel like I'm dying from the inside. How could I have done this to him?

WWS,

You will heal as you learn about yourself. You have done a very bad thing, but that does not make you a bad person. Your H evidently feels that way. You will help him alot by learning where your boundaries are, where they should be, and how to protect them. This takes a plan.

I have traveled alot during my marriage. One of my plans was to never go out drinking or dancing with a female during travel. I usually eat, return to my room and work or watch TV. In well over 30 years it has kept me out of trouble. This was a plan I put in place when I married my W.

You need to assess your weakness, your needs and learn to protect yourself. You can and should heal from this, but it will take time. Your H will need your support, not your emotions. There is a difference and that is part of what you need to understand.

Please see if you can obtain copies of the books mentioned and really read them. It will open your eyes to some surprising things and really simple things that people often over look.

God Bless,

JL

Just Learning,
Thank you for being here. I'll check the local bookstore to see what i can come up with. If there's nothing there, then I'll try to order from Amazon and see if it makes it through customs.
I've been reading through everything on the MB site for 2 days now. I'm trying to gain as much knowledge as I can. I'm trying to gain as much understanding as I can.
I don't know why I had the affair. We didn't have any marital problems. I know that sounds wrong, there must have been problems or it wouldn't have happened, right? Not true though. There's a problem with me. Not him. He's amazing. Since we got married, he's done everything within his power to be thoughtful, to be understanding, gentle and kind. He's been a good listener, a great support system. He's been everything a woman could ask for. He's had this happen to him before, he thought I was different. I let him believe all this time, that I was....
You talked about my H needing my support, not my emotions. I find myself breaking down in tears 4-5 times each night. I need your advice here, is that something that I should not allow myself to do in front of him?
He said last night that he wants us to take things one day at a time. No rash decisions. Try to work it out and hope to end up on the better side of things. I mentioned in another post that he's been in a 12 step program for 22 years. That program is helping him through tremendously right now.
Can you help me learn how to be supportive while I await the books? I want to work on everything that I can as soon as I can.

Thank you...so much.

What can you do while you wait for the books?

READ EVERYTHING on this site---all the articles--ALL the links. Learn to use the "search" feature on this forum (found at the top of the forum) and look up old threads answering your questions. There's a goldmine out here!

Do you have a local library? Many of these books are available in your library. Not only are some sold through this website, but you can also find them on Amazon.com, Half.com & eBay.com. "Surviving An Affair" by Harley is a must. Another book I really liked was "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. Easy to read, lots of info and suggestions & insight from the perspective of the WS, BS, & OP.

Get educated in relationships. Know about affairs, the why, the how, the aftermath. Right now yu are feeling powerless, helpless. There's power in knowledge.

WWS,

One of the things that is hard for people who come here to understand it that this takes time.

You can read all of the information here, and you need to. But, it will take months for the information to really sink in. Even years later there will be "ha ha" moments when something else will click in.

What is happening and will happen is that your perspective on marriage, what commitment means, what your H needs from you, everything will gradually shift. You will relationships between actions and needs, consequences etc. You will see them differently as time goes on.

You should not hide from your H, but if you don't get yourself emotionally stable he will not open up to you for fear of hurting you. So goal one is for you to become emotionally stable that takes time, lots of talking with people here and perhaps some meds from the Dr. for the short term. Your H may need them as well as he eventually feels the full impact of the situation.

So if you are going to support your H you need to be able to stand up on your own. My guess is that you might not have been able to do that before. Also as you read here I think you will begin to see the failure point in your boundaries. Often it is the state of the marriage, but it can be and perhaps is the case in your situation that the failure point is within you. You did not realize your vulnerabilities. People think that love protects them from harming their spouse. Nothing could be further from the truth, you keep yourself from harming your spouse and to do that takes knowledge about yourself, and your spouse.

You have a lot to learn and so does your H. Give it time. You cannot fix this in a few weeks. What you can do over the next few years is learn how to rebuild your marriage into something even better than it was before. It is something your H will need to understand and know in the future.


so you see your questions about your H not seeing you break down misses the point. He will need your support, but that only happen when you have healed enough to support him. He will shy away from many things until he is sure you are strong enough and that includes showing you the anger inside of him. So just when you think things are going well, you are liable to see his anger.

I would remind you that anger is a secondary emotion driven by primary ones such as: fear, pain, anxiety, frustration, etc.

Must go now, but please be patient with yourself and with him. He will no doubt need to know that you love him. He will tire of telling him you are sorry. He will learn to open up to you when he feels it is safe for him and you. But, mostly he will grow stronger as you develop a plan to protect YOUR boundaries, and thus your marriage and him.

All of this takes time, insight, and gradual assimilation of information. Give yourself the gift of time.

God Bless,

JL

WWS - JL and K are giving you excellent advice. Please take what they are saying to heart.

The "details" of the affair are your husband's right to know or not to know. The decision is HIS, so do as you are doing and respect his wishes. If he wants to know something, tell him. But do not "dump" information on him because you feel guilty or you feel "he needs to know" this or that. HE is "in control" of the recovery and you are 'along for the ride' at this point.

The reality is that you chose divorce when you chose adultery. Your husband can choose to accept that choice, or he can choose to attempt to forgive you and to try to rebuild the sort of marriage you both may be wishing for.

Please take this to heart too, from someone who was a Betrayed Spouse, his reactions right now are being governed by his WILL, by his control, by his love for you despite what he IS feeling.

It will take time for you to understand all of the things rolling around in his head right now, but suffice it to say that if YOU want to "do what it takes" to recover your marriage to him, LEARN all you can about recovery and learn all you can about WHY you chose as you chose. This is especially important for you, and ultimately for your husband to know, because your choice came so soon after you were married, and that's not the "normal" timeframe for a choice to commit adultery. There IS a "why," and you need to think about that. The "objective" of all of this is to "affair-proof" your marriage and to recognize "danger signs" in the future.

Keep reading. Keep posting. Never "give up," especially when you and he hit the "Really TOUGH Times" that will come.

To warn you "in advance," even when a BS is trying to recover and is NOT "ranting and raving" at you over the betrayal, usually around the 6 to 12 month mark in recovery, he WILL begin to really feel the emotional impact and it is not unusual that "anger" begins to come out. It is often a necessary step in the recovery process, and I want you to know that it comes out in that timeframe BECAUSE he is beginning to feel "safe enough" that you won't leave him or run to someone else. So while it may hurt, it is also an indication of his regaining trust in your and is a way to "release" the anger that he may have been supressing for a long time.

God bless.

WWS,

I see you're in excellent hands with FH, JL, Resiliant, and K...did I miss anybody. I'm pulling for you and will watch and learn as you and your H work through this.

My prayers are with you and your family.

It would seem to me that it is very important for the child to be tested for paternity. There are all sorts of medical and health reasons involved. You have to know the history of both parents for medical reasons for your child. It does not make sense not to know this.

Bryanp,
My husband is not ready to delve into that just yet. Our doctor has recommended that we wait until he is in a mindset that no matter what the biological results are, she is his daughter. He's in a lot of pain right now. I gave up the choice to make any decisions about that. This is something that i need to wait till he's ready to do.

You've all been very helpful.
I had a bit of a breakdown last night. It was Christmas, we had friends over. Everyone kept commenting on how much my daughter looks like my husband, which she really does, but it was just too much for me. It wasn't until late at night. He comforted me. He told me that he's anxious, naseous, numb, angry and hurt all at the same time. But, that with time, we'll be okay. He continues to tell me that I need to have some faith that we will work though this. Is this type of reaction a normal one? For him to be being so strong while hurting so much?

Evening WWS,

Why don't you bring your husband here. We can help both of you. There are several married couples here that experienced infidelity that are on their road to recovery.

I'm sorry your Christmas eve was so hard for you both. The good news is you've found Marriage Builders.

Jo

I asked my husband if he would join, he said no, it's not for him. I'll bring it up to him again, but not right away. I don't feel that it's fair for me to push him into doing anything at this point. That's not to say that he's not doing something. He continues to meet with someone to discuss the situation and bounce things off of and he continues to go to his 12 step meetings.

How do I work to get rid of this sad, empty feeling? I want my life back. I know everything takes time, but there are days where I feel like I'm falling apart. I know that I don't have the right to feel that way because I'm the one that's caused all the pain. I don't have any right to be upset, to be lonely, scared or helpless, but I feel all of those things, so intensely at times, that it's just awful.

Are you taking anti-deps? You're experiencing situational depression, its normal. Taking ADs will relieve you of most of the depression where you won't feel so helpless.

I very much dislike taking anything, but this board (specifically "K") convinced me to try a mild one. I did it, although under protest, and it made a world of difference. It got me thru the worse parts. I quit taking them after that.

Jo

I'm open to trying it, I'll ask my doc about it when I speak to her later.
There are times that I feel those things very intensely and times that I'm okay, even good at moments. That's sort of how my husband and I are taking things. He asks how I am, I say okay, I ask, he says he's good. We've vowed to be honest about how we feel, meaning, if I'm feeling really badly, I'm going to say so, as is he, but if we're okay, then we'll say okay. And on the rare occasion that one of us is good, we say so. We don't always talk about our feelings. Some of it, in our opinions (and I know that doesn't necessarily make it right) isn't necessarily good to discuss with each other. I think that partially goes along with the MB way. When he's angry and wants to scream, he's not going to scream at me, he'll say it's not a good time to talk about it. When I'm feeling overwhelmed by the fact that our daughter may not be his (other than that one slip last night) I don't talk with him about it because that only brings up negative feelings for him at a time when he's feeling okay.

Does that make sense to be doing? I'm rambling again...

WWS like you I cheated on my H and went through very similar thoughts and feelings you have. And like you I told my H after the event. thought not as readily as you have been so you are a bit further along than I was at the same period after telling your H. Yes you will like [censored] and totally miserable .... if you didn't you wouldn't be remorseful and sorry and wishful that you had taken a different path.

firstly JL and K are giving you excellent advice. I would also say to please take what they are saying to heart.

the observations of your friends would likely be very helpful to your H right now as others do seem to note family resemblance or not and make offhand comments like 'she looks like her mum rather than her dad" etc... so I would say its a plus they thought she looked so much like your H. I assume they have no knowledge of the A???

Like you my H could and did comfort me often and then at times couldn't stand to be near me. Ran hot and cold and probably pretty normal. You know one thing that for my H that I took away was his feeling of security and safety in a family. It took awhile to be able to build that up again ... months... many months ... apart from the trust he had lost in me. I had to understand this and accept the anger and rejection which was not easy even as determined as I was to repair my M.

I feel that in the end we ended one M and started a new one, much like remarrying again to the same person. and I did it to us, THAT HURTS. I felt lower than anything you can name and wanted to crawl under a rock for a long time. Don't let this feeling of remorse push you into depression its very easy for that to happen. Concentrate on how you can demonstrate your commitment to your M and H. Let him know quietly... offhand even ...all you do, who you spoke to and where you went or are, this also builds up trust over time. Drop it into conversations even the limited ones you are perhaps having. Don't keep saying over and over 'I am sorry" as that will have the opposite affect. Apologise and mean it during the times you talk about what happened when he is ready to do so. My H told me he wanted his W back not "Mrs I am so sorry"
If you haven't ordered the books do so ASAP, then use the advice there to PLAN how to recover or rebuild a new M. Maybe let your H read them by leaving them open around the place .... it will also show that YOU are taking action to protect him in the future.

Its a bit like walking on eggshells now not certain what you will break ... it too is just part of the price we pay for cheating.

But overall I think that you are doing well for now and need to be ready for his anger when it comes. THAT is painful but deserved and it will happen at HIS time as will recovery. He will need your support even if that is accepting his anger and acknowledging HIS pain.

Lets be blunt for you and I there are REAL reasons why you & I had affairs .... its just that there are NO excuses. Acepting this is a good start but you MUST find out the reasons why YOU choose ... that right CHOOSE ... to have an affair. MB can help you here as will the books. You may want to find out how expensive it is to speak to the Harleys over the phone .... it may not be cheap but it may be the best investment you have both made for some time.

DON'T loose hope, hard as it gets, you are on the RIGHT path to fight for your M, your little ones deserve only the best, both of them always.
I'll keep you in my prayers

AW

Aussie -
How are you and your husband now? Were there any children involved? I love my husband very much. I've started doing a lot of the things that you mentioned. When the affair ended, I rid myself of all the clothes I had during that point in time. I even changed cars (I'm not kidding) I didn't want any thing from that part of my life around me, except my daughter, because I had no way of knowing.

I think my husband likes to hear that she looks like him, but at the same time, it's heartbreaking for him. The OM had very dark hair, very dark eyes. My husbands hair has a red tint and was red as a child, and has hazel eyes. We have a blue eyed, strawberry blonde girl. That doesn't mean anything, but I'm glad she looks like him. I know I seem very hung up on that, but it's because I wouldn't want him to have a constant reminder if it turns out that she's not his. At the same time, she is my baby and I will love her till the end of time no matter what.
My husband has told me that in 5 years we can renew our vows. I very much want that. He's an amazing man and I Never want to lose him. I'll never risk anything again...he's too important.
We're on the road to recovery, I just wish I knew all the steps. I'm still reading the site. From where I live, it cost the equivalent of about $1.25 per minute to call the US. I don't think we could handle the expense of phone counsel right now. I know how important it is for us to get the help we need, but I don't think we could afford that just yet....

You don't. You don't "get rid of it" you endure it.

You learn to self soothe and learn to accept that you will sometimes go through periods of feeling...regret..sadness...loss...etc.

And you learn to allow those feelings to diminish while you focus your thoughts and energy on the things that bring you joy, that you are gratefull for.

And you don't allow your FEELINGS to be the very top point of the pyramid. Feelings exist...but they do not RULE unless you allow them to.

This is what your DH does...do you think he never feels sad, afraid, loss, empty, regret?

Of course he does...he feels it and he allows it to pass rather than looking for a way to FEEL better and do it NOW. He concentrates on hope. He says..I believe there is a better tomorrow.

It was the "I must feel better right away <scramble scramble>" that led to doing whatever felt better or felt good whether it was a good choice or not wasn't it?

Perhaps I worded that the wrong way. I was asking how to work to make it better, not simply to make it vanish. I know that I'm the ones that's caused the pain and the heartache. I've done this to our marriage, to our family, etc.

My husband has actually said some of the same thing that you are. That he allows the feelings to flow through him and tries not to latch onto any one thing, that if he does, it'll make him crazy. So, you're right. I'm trying to take this one day at a time. I'm trying to continually let him know that he is the only man in my life, the only one that I want and that I love him. That I'm willing to do whatever it takes to repair our marriage and to allow him to be proud to have me as his wife again.

Thanks for the reply...it's early in the day where I am, he won't be home till late tonight, and for right now, you guys are the only ones that I have to bounce things off, to talk to....

Hello WWS

My H and I ARE recovered as far as I can tell. Its hard because he's away so often I don't take anything for granted. He's a soldier so he gets deployed pretty often ... he just came back from Afghanistan in the last few days.
At the time I had 2 children ... we had not long before lost a little boy .. our 3rd child ... to illness & this sparked my drive down into depression and the affair. I was very messed up.
But that wasn't an excuse no matter what. In some ways it was even a worse insult to my H, that my grief was worse than his.
My H is MY hero. I think I would die before hurting him ever again. I used to be so judgemental about people who had affairs because I just 'KNEW' I couldn't do that. What it has taught me is that anyone can fail and fall to temptation, whatever is driving the temptation.
Getting rid of all the clothes and then moving away as you have is just SO helpful to your H, later on it will give him so much relief to know you CHOOSE him when you had an opportunity to leave him. But right now that won't matter to him.
We actually have another child now .. our fourth ... a little boy named Mikey (Michael) who is just over 2 yrs and is a joy to us both. He was totally unplanned .... just before my H previous deployment the last thing on my mind was taking precautions lol Must of been Gods will. It has brought us closer but his birth would NOT have saved our M if we both did not work at it. Sometimes one of us was not firing all cylinders so the other drove for a while. Yes hard work. Renewing your vows can be very powerful, but make sure this matter is resolved fully or resentment will simmer. Dont fall into the temptation of brushing it under the carpet .... it will come out and bite both of you.
As for the eye colour, blue and hazel are interchangeable in kids with parents with blue eyes so dont worry too much on that, fair hair? again my sons have all had fair hair my oldest is 20 and turned his dads brown about 14 but my dry thinner hair. The oldest our daughter (21 YRS)had his thick brown hair since day one. But dads features are in all of them. that more than anything is a good guide should your H feel he wants reassurance other than DNA. But look, he is THEIR dad, they are HIS daughters and to them always shall be. But you will need to let him work through his hurt and answer what he asks.
I guess then you would need to put aside $50 to $60 perhaps per session so you may need to put it aside when you can and you may also be able to use email perhaps. The sessions cost about $130 ea I understand. Recovery will take time and my H called me lots of names, I sadly earned every one of them. But thats ok, a M can stand angry words and hurt IF you work on what caused that anger. In my case of course the A.

But keep doing what you are doing, listen to JL and K etc, they have great advice from the BS perspective.
( oh just call me AW as my H aussie sometimes logs on to say hi to people he got to know here and his name here is Aussie ... confusing isn't it? lol)

I think you are doing wonderfully being so isolated and encourage you to ask questions on this forum whenever you need to. Doesn't matter if they sound stupid, just ask!! People here are so generous in giving you the use of their experiences, its very hard stuff to discuss for many of us even now. Of course sometimes you have a troll or two spouting rubbish but thats the web for you

All the best
AW