The turning point.... what is it? When does it happen? Why does it happen?

I use the phrase 'turning point' periodically in my posts. For those who are not familiar with that term when it is used here, I would like to provide my explanation and welcome others to respectfully share their POV. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

From MPOV, when one reaches a turning point, they have basically made a deicision to change their course.

Examples:

1. BS exposes the A, learned about new tools (i.e. POJA, RH, RB, etc.)

2. BS moves to plan B (implement some tools like: RB).

3. BS moves forward

4. BS initiates D

5. WS sheds WS skin and takes on Xws qualities

6. Xws sheds skin and a better spouse emerges to take permanent residence back with his/her family.

7. BS accepts real spouse back to the family

8. BS sheds BS title and reclaims real spouse title permanently.

9. BS sheds BS title and moves forward w/o WS in his/her life. BS is ok with themselves and knows they have done their best. That the A or WS attitude is no longer going to have full impact on their lives.

10. BS and family learn there is life after the A.

Those are turning points for those dealing with an A.

Here are some other turning points we may experience here @ MB.

A. Our 1st glance @ MB. This is a scary yet comforting place. The more we read, the more we often an relate.
We read relentlessly.

B. We review the concepts section, take the EN questionnaire 1st as ourselves, then in behalf of our spouse. We read the books: SAA (Surviving an Affair), HNHN (His Needs/Her Needs) both by Harley. We can read other books like: LMBT (Love must be tough - by Dobson), Boundaries (there is a whole series of these books), etc.

C. Our 1st post. For many this is where our story is 1st mentioned. For some it comes later. There is no rule that we must post our story as to what brought us to MB. But it is a general courtesy that most choose to participate in.

D. We read and respond to those reaching out to help.

E. We work with our MC/IC for ourselves and our children as needed.

F. We ID our personal and M boundaries and implement them.

G. We learn to share our stories, ask for help. Listen intently at what is posted. Learn to take the good, apply it and discard the bad.

H. Sometimes our healing includes helping.

I. We experience the posting personalities of many here. We may gravitate to some more than others. This in turn may effect how we heal.

J. If we can, we learn to then give support to others.

K. Sometimes we learn we can't help some and must stop lending support to those ones.

These are the journeys of my turning points. Others may have more.

I wanted to share this because at each stage, things changed. Knowing our limits, needs and wants help us know how to work through these turning points.

Sometimes turning points are thrust upon us, at other times, it is within our control.

I am sure there is more on this subject. Any input respectfully posted is greatly appreciated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks,
L.

Hi Orchid

It was suggested to me by K that I read your thread as my WH has been with weirdo OP for one year now and he is pretty addicted!He told me he will look at MB this week and think about us.This was after I asked him to in a moment of desperation!!

Could you please show me where I can read your thread?
thanks

HnP,

My story was written a long time ago. A lasted 3 years and the OW claimed 3 preggos. She earned the name: PBR (psycho babble rabbit). The story is posted in part on several threads.

Ws even lived with OW but it was short lived.

What would you like to know?

L.

How long did you do plan B?

Did you ever file for divorce in those 3 years?

Hi Orchid,

Your first post on the MB (or other) Success Stories thread (GQII) asked a question regarding what qualified as a success when I first posted that thread in the fall. Sounds like your story needs to be re-written and will inspire many, including me & HNP. Please consider putting together the cliff notes version soon.

Thanks and I appreciate these lists.

Ace

Orchid,

I would also be interested the the Cliff notes version of your story. I've learned bits and pieces, but have never really read the entire thing.

Chai and Orchid and HNP,

I've thought about asking ALL recovered MB Vets to attach a link to their 'cliff notes version' of their story to this sig lines.

Wouldn't it be great if we could instantly qualify posters' POV by seeing where they've been, and, more importantly, HOW they got from there to here?

What da ya think, Orchid? Chai and HNP and I have just asked for Success Story links that would be easy to find on one's sig line. How can we suggest/encourage all to link theirs?

Ace

P.S. I just decided to link the Success Story thread to my sig line. That's one thing I can do....later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Hi Orchid,

Nice post! I like the phrase 'turning point'...

Ace,

Yes, love the idea. The success stories give hope to those of us who have no hope at the moment!!

Ace,

I think this would be of the highest mitzvah (good deed) and like Chai says it would really help those of us who are struggling right now and need some quick inspirations.

Kinda like an emergency kit.

Thank you

Ace,

I just wanted to say I really love your thread with inspiring stories. It is a shining example of the very best MB has to offer the people who are lost and confused who stumble in here looking for help.

It's interesting that this thread is about "turning points" because the post I finally put on your thread....was about my turning point too. It was the point in time where I decided I would RISK being happy.....without my husband in order to save my marriage....and my willingness to make that decision is ultimately what brought him back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Orchid....."turning points" represent major decisions or events that precipitate inevitable change. Some are productive, some are destructive. As you say.....sometimes we get to decide....and sometimes, we only get to cope. I can honestly say that finding MB was an enormous "turning point"....it gave me the language and tools to "reach" my husband in ways I couldn't imagine. It has been both inspiring and motivating. I would not be the same person, or have the same marriage without MB.

I've heard the dispersions about the "so called recoveries" of some of the old timers....but it doesn't faze me....because I just spent the sweetest Christmas with my family anyone could ever hope for. And who knew a Christmas like this could even be possible when I arrived here so broken, lost and insecure.

I am forever in the debt of people like Bill and Steve Harley, JL, K, kam who gave me hope and grounded me in the concepts that have become such an integral part of my life. Now, if I say "I'm not enthusiastic about that"....my husband immediately "clues in" and thinks: "Okay, it's time for negotiation....how can I create enthusiasm? What can I bring to the table to make this a win/win?" And I'm thinking the same thing. Gone are the days when I was told I was "silly, jealous, or _________" for "feeling" a certain way. It's a whole new life....with a whole new way of interacting. The problems haven't changed....but the respect for each other, the willingness to remain open-minded and brainstorm ideas, the trust that has been rebuilt. It's nothing short of a miracle from where we started.

January 7th is my 25th year anniversary....and my family is still together. (It's also the day LSU plays for the BCS championship LOL) This year....we decided that we would only give homemade presents. Do you know what my husband gave me? Well, it takes just a little bit of explaining......when I left Lousiana, I've sorely missed the Christmas Eve tradition from Acadiana called "Les Feu de Joie" (The fires of joy). After Thanksgiving, the plantations and homeowners along the river begin building massive towers.....30 ft high....huge towers made of willow and covered with sugarcane reeds. On Christmas Eve.....they are lit to guide the way for Papa Noel. You can take boats up and down the river,,,,fly planes....they are even visible from space. It is a sight to see. You've all seen big bonfires....imagine hundreds of them snaking along the banks of the Missisippi....bright enough to be seen thousands of miles above the earth.

So this year, my husband secretly carved and built steps into the steep river bank behind my house. The shore has always been inaccessible. He made steps with logs. He put up torches to light the way, and built an enormous bonfire from trees he'd cleared from our property. There were chairs, Champagne, music....and our own feu do joie.

We spent Christmas Eve with all of our children down on the river late into the evening. How sweet is that?

SO SWEET!!! I have such a big grin on my face! AWESOME!! Like you, I often say, "WHO KNEW" LIFE COULD BE THIS SWEET for me...5 years ago???

Star,

How beautiful! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You painted a brief picture in my mind.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ace,
To your and HnP's request regarding my story.... I have posted it many times over the years. I will have to go dig it up because as you know.....it's quite a novel. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Well... mini novel. The chapters about the laundry bag incident, the anxiety attacks, the nightmares, the 911 call, the suicide attempts, the MC sessions, the fako pregos, the false RO, the attempt to ruin my 1 vacation, the fence, the tea, the phone calls, the triggers, the miscarriage, etc...... are all written about here. Along with how I learned to reduce my giver and increase my taker mode. The ongoing support from MBers, some of who I have developed good friendships with. The ability to move forward thanks to MB's plans A & B. Even developing my own type of reverse babble that helped give me back the power and control that belonged to my family and NOT to the WS/A/OW.

Just describing this stuff, takes time.....the story is much longer. You sure you still want to hear it. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,

YES, I do want to read it all......but I'll paste the outline for now before I link the thread to my sig line.

Star*fish...you're one of my early heroes.....thanks for your kind words, especially that you like the Success Stories thread. I actually wrote to the Harleys asking for a Success Stories forum, but this is the next best thing. Your post to Chrisner during his difficult early days really spoke to me, too. (Plus, his threads were so danged funny. I think he's one of the few newbies who had a thread locked in record time.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for sharing what your sweet H did for you in building the log steps and bon fire for your family. I think I'll start another thread about these sorts of things. It gives us things to strive for. Not sure what to call it, but it is what we can all aim for after the turning point in our R's, giving those struggling through plans A and B some hope of what they can aim for in the meantime.

Your H's project was a huge undertaking, but there are little things, too, that our FWSs do to show they are truly remorseful and willing to show us by their actions that they are willing to do anything to help us heal.

Orchid, many more in addition to HnP, Chai, Skinsgal and me will benefit from your story, even if you only write 3 lines about each aspect. We'll wait patiently, though,,,,maybe! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Mishes will want to read it, too, I'm sure.

Thanks for all you do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ace

Also Orchid,

Did you see the new thread I started after you helped GWW and Mrs. GWW utilize your reverse babble insights with their childrearing efforts? It's on the OT forum called What OTHER areas has MB helped?

Check it out if you haven't already.

Ace

I know I'm kinda on the other side of the fence here, being the FWW, but I just wanted to say that you all have been such an enormous part of my recent turn-around. I owe you sooo much. Ace and star, you were amongst my first posters that helped me see the kind of uplifting support that this site has to offer. You were the ones who inspired me to make the changes I've needed to make for so long, and I wanted to thank you again from the bottom of my heart!

Star, it was your post in particular that broke through the worst of my justifications about my "dreams" and how they had been tainted and had affected the course of our recovery. It was one question you posed at the very end of your post to me..."What are his dreams?" That's all it took. It was like a new light came on that hadn't been there before. I don't think you will ever really know what that one question did for me. And it was offered in a non-judgmental way that showed me the kindness of your spirit. I will never be able to thank you enough for the guidance you gave to me and have given to so many others. Your presence here is irreplaceable.

I, too, would like to hear all of your stories. I am trying to latch onto threads that specifically help our situation, and ones where I can lend my support in any way possible at this stage of our progress. It isn't much right now, but hopefully in the future I will be as insightful as all of you and can give back to community in the ways that you have. I became a little unsettled recently about some of the threads that seem to draw out the negative emotions in me, and that have little to do with what people on here are trying to accomplish. I have tried to steer clear of those threads, and so when I read one like this, I want to give it as much support as I can.

So thanks again Ace, Star, Orchid, and all the others who have helped me despite the fact that I am "on the other side" so to speak. And Star...what an absolutely wonderful thing for your DH to do for you. It is a story that many people who are still in the shoes you were once in can hold close as hope for their own futures!!!!

Resonance

Glad to have been of some help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

U r no longer a WS so you are not on the other side of the fence. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I would like to ask that as you are in recovery, that if you could, please help out here by helping others see it is possible for one to turn around. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid- and that's what I'm trying to do right now...although I try to steer clear of the advice-giving, I say things like "hey-I was an alien just last month!" I tell BSs that I cannot to this day understand where my head was during that time period. It really is like a drug addiction, and like aliens take over your brain. I had completely re-written our past. Unreal!

PS-your reverse babble threads are hysterical! I am so glad you are doing well now!!!