This is the firts time I have posted. Been lurking awile. My WW has been having an affiar with OM for a couple of years on and off. She also had an affair with the same man about 12 years ago and says she never got over him. We have been married for 20 years and have three wonderful children.We are each others best friends but our physical chemistry has not been the greatest.

The OM has been divorced 4 times, the most recent became final yesterday. My WW says she does not think it will work out with him but she still wants a divorce becuase she can never see herself having sex with me again. She also does not want to give him up and seems addicted. She did also have a couple of other affirs with other men a long time ago. I don't know whether this is the fog speaking or whether I should just give up and move on. I do still love her, but don't know where to go from here.

Any help / advice would be appreciated.

hurtin..

how old are the children....

why the toleration of so many affairs and for so long...

ARK

Kids are 12 (B), 9 (G), and 6 (B).

As to why I have tolerated the behavior I don't really have a good answer. With exception of the latest affair, the other took place in the first 10 years of our marriage. We got married very young and my WW did not date much prior to our marriage. She had a pretty trying childhood (father died when she was young, mother was not entirely stable, no other male influence). I think that I mistakenly belived that she was just immature. Prior to the OM coming back into her life, the prior 8 years together were wonderful, but we never really addressed the root causes of the affairs.

hurtinohio,

I hate to say this, but there is some reason she has carried a torch for this loser for over 12 years. Given the ages of your children, especially your oldest son, I believe my first move would be a paternity test to make sure the children were mine.

Many here advocate that parentage doesn't make a difference, especially after having raised a child, but I'm not wired that way.

Most people don't hold onto a relationship, especially an inactive one, unless there is some bond ... see where I'm going with this.

Protect yourself, your children and your assets, while putting ALL of the pieces together.

I was thinking the exact same thing as MyRev, Sorry.

Who

Hello,

I agree I doubt that you have the full story. The paternity test makes a lot of sense. For the past couple of years the OM has been having a physical affair with your wife. She has put your health at risk for STD's but more importantly has made a mockery of your marriage. How could you knowing feel good about your anniversaires when you know that your wife is sleeping with another man.

It seems you have been way too accepting of this behavior and making excuses. If the roles were reversed I doubt she would have been so accepting of this behavior. She has continued to direspect and humiliate you and your marriage. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Your allowance of this behavior made you much more unattractive to her. Why would a wife find a spouse attractive while he allows her to sleep with another man for the past few years. I am sorry but a doormat is never attractive.

Clearly she has very little respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will. I would contact an attorney and have a paternity test. It is very sad what you have put up with. I wish you luck.

hurt,

When anyone comes here in a situation involving multiple affairs and really long term affairs....I really prefer to point them solidly toward professional help. Your wife may have some issues that create this need to have affairs....I don't know and I'm not going to speculate. You may also need help to sort through why you've placed such low value on yourself. Give the Harley's a call would be my first choice....but also, find an IC close to you who help a new stronger, happier you emerge. I'm so sorry you're hurting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I agree that a paternity test is in order. I also think a call to a lawyer to learn your rights is also in order.
Since your wife wants the divorce, is she willing to concede custody to you? If so, get that in writing as soon as possible. She really is not to be trusted as a mother and the kids would be better off with you.

Her actions are so very disrespectful to you. She has kept this man in her life...did you know about continued contact after the first affair?

I would also suggest that you are not best friends...as friends do not do this to one another. She has exposed you to a STD risk....and has harmed your children beyond measure.

Since your wife has been an affair machine...and trust me, you don't know about close to all of them...I think it is time to cut that broad lose. You have displayed no backbone up till now and I suspect she does not respect you even a little at this point.

I am sorry you are going through this and wish you all the luck in the world.

I suggest that you seek legal counsel and seek advice on obtaining legal custody of the children...

that you counsel with the harley's here...
that you plan to set your wife free...BUT
the children stay with you....

have you read up on this site...

ARK^^

Hi, hurt.

I am sorry that you are under siege from your situation.

I agree with Bryan here. Get the whole picture, or as much of it as you can. Get paternity tests done for all your children. You don't need your wife's permission or knowledge to do so.

If you haven't contacted a lawyer and made changes to protect your finances, then you need to do so immediately.

Whatever it is that is hanging over your head that causes you to acquiesce to your wife's ill treatment of you, needs to be dealt with in you, immediately.

All the best,
Gimble

hio:

First thing you should do is protect your kids. And 2 do that well, you need 2 be an intact father.

You can get paternity tests, but if you find that one or more of your kids aren't yours biologically, what will you do? Love them any less than you do now? You've been their father their whole lives. Legally, that's all that matters here. And emotionally... ...well, I doubt you'd consider them anything less than your children regardless of what you find from a paternity test, if you get one.

If your W wants a DV, make sure she understands that it is your priority 2 protect your family, and so if she wants 2 leave, then she must leave the kids with you. Do whatever you need 2 do 2 insure that you have primary, if not sole custody of your kids if she leaves.

I understand that you say you love your W. And maybe you really do. But I also know that I thought so when I discovered my W's on and off 11-yr LTA 6 years ago. But I quickly learned that I loved some fantasy, because I clearly didn't know who she was all those years.

Also, if you hope 2 recover your M after such a long affair or multiple affairs, you need 2 be prepared and realize that it will take many YEARS 2 accomplish.

You should call the Harleys for coaching.

-ol' 2long

Thanks for the responses. To answer a few questions, there is no question on the paternity (tested right after birth) but it would not matter anyways as he is "my" son. My wife and I are in IC and one of the things that I am working on is why I let this go on so long (obviously a low self-esteem issue).

I did make an appointment to see a lawyer and will see where that goes. I appreciate any additional feedback.

Hi, hurtin.

I am glad that paternity is not an issue. It might not have made any difference on your being a father, but it might have made a difference in any potential legal proceedings. Besides that, the truth, painful as it may be sometimes, is usually of benefit.

Since you are here, I assume that you have decided to save your marriage. Is that indeed the case and have you given the matter serious consideration?

All the best,
Gimble

Sorry that I have not beeen able to respond until now as I have very limited access to a computer on the weekends and evenings. To answer Gimble's question, I have thought long and hard about where we are and yes I do not want to give up on a marriage. To fill in a couple of other blanks my WW and I are separated but do see each other frequently (she works a number of evenings every week and I watch the kids). I know that reality is setting in on her affair becuase her and the OM fight constantly but she is not yet ready to give it up. I also know that I am doing all the wrong things in trying to talk to her about what is going on with the OM and sometimnes pushing that we need to work on us (this is something that I am working on and getting better at).

She does say that she's sure she does not have a future with the OM but does not know whether she has a future with me either. WW's counceler told her that she seems to gravitate towards men with an edge instead of someone like me who is very communicative, respsonsive, etc. I was thinking of filing for divorce myself as sort of a wake up call but wanted some advise. Trying to work on a 180 plan as well as a plan A right now. Any other suggestions?

Which one of you is in the home and which moved out. You need to be living together if at all possible for the best possible response from a decent Plan A.

Also, make sure that you are not being grabby/needy or placating, but are presenting yourself as a desirable man with purpose and that loves life.

Some other ideas, get yourself in great physical shape, and make sure that you always look and smell good whenever you are around her.

Have you read all the articles on this site? Can you afford phone counseling with the Harleys?

What have you done towards exposure? Is the other man married, engaged or have a girlfriend? Do her parents know about the affair? Have you executed a well planned exposure? Sorry if you have and I missed it. I have very limited time these days myself.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble,

I moved into an apartment that is very near our house and see both my wife and children frequently. The needy issue is one of the things that I am working on in IC. In fact, WW says that this is one of the things that attracted her to the OM, fact that he was not needy.

Exposure to my wife's friends happened about 2 months ago. Most are now distancing themselves from her as they do not approve of what is going on. Her family knows also but they are very tough to read. Our kids are just recently telling her that they miss me and want me back home.

The OM has been married 4 times and just got a divorce from his most recent wife (became final last week), supposedly to be with my WW. He has a bad reputaton in the community as a womanizer but WW says that he has changed (although she seems to be wondering now). Lot of things have come to head over the past couple of weeks and she now seems to be coming to the realization that the OM is not what she thought but is not ready to let go. According to WW, they do nothing but argue and she realizes that they have nothing in common.

One of her biggest complaints about us is that we never really had a strong physical chemistry. I am trying to do a plan A at this point but am having some trouble sticking with it (tend to talk too much and end up trying to convince her to stay).

I have been thinking about some phone councelling and will look into this afternoon.

Thanks for your responses.

Hi, hurtin.

The phone counseling is some of the best money you will ever spend.

You do need to curb the begging and pleading with her. Also, unless you have reason to discuss her love life between her and the other man, I would remove myself as being her romantic confidant.

Stop being her friend and more her man. Women are much more attracted to men. It is true that they will befriend men that talk to them in an understanding way, too much of that will definitely kill the spark though.

Stop chasing her and take a step back. I think you will find that she quickly moves toward spending more time with you. Don't tell her your plans, or concerns. Stop sharing with her what you are doing to win her back. Be less available to her.

Consider getting yourself to a gym in short order and buff up. Your being noticed by others may also cause her to take a greater interest in you. Even if she doesn't, you will like what you see in the mirror.

Let me know what you think you can handle.

All the best,
Gimble

Thanks for the response GimbleThis is almost the exact same advice that my counselor gave me a couple of days agao. I have not mentioned the OP the last couple of days and when my wife tries to engage me in conversation about him I change subject or tell her that I am not the person to talk with about this.

Last night when she came home from work we actually had a nice 30 minutes or so together. I am also starting to go out more with freinds which should help me to limit my availability.

A month ago she was telling me that there was no way we would ever make it and that the OM made her happy and I did not. Earlier this week she volunteered that she was glad we did not rush into getting a divorce. Not everything I want but at least a step in the right direction.

If you don't mind I'll keep you updated on how things are going.

Thanks again

As a follow up; how do you stop thinking about what your spouse is doing with the OP. Does anybody have any tricks on how to cope with this that have worked with them?

I would really like that. I would also like to encourage you to contact Steve Harley for some phone counseling. If it isn't the best money you have ever spent, then I will give you the money you spend, back. The guy is that good.

You need to read "Surviving An Affair" by Wllard Harley and learn what to do and what not to do.

In addition, there is a book named "No More Mr. Nice Guy" that you might want to read after the Harley book. People that have read it told me that it really helped them. I don't think the book has anything to do with treating women in a bad way, rather a lot to do about being a man.

All the best,
Gimble