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Well its been going on two years My W says she is not sleeping around any more. BUT THESE TRIGGERS WILL NOT GO AWAY [color:"red"] PLEASE GIVE ADVICE [/color]
One of the tricks my wife used on me was to say" I am going to my friends house, then to lunch, then to a MOVIE.
Well we all know that she was sneaking to her boy friends dirty lair.
TODAY .
She said
I am goin to my girl friends hoise(same one) Then we will have lunch- Then a movie .
I am stuck here & no way to leave .So I can't spy.
Her doing this just seems to WASH ALL THE HEALING AWAY . Feels like I am a day #1 again. Is this normal?
I have spoken to the w about this , But is seems to be creaping back on me & she is slipping back to the OLD ways
I AM NOT saying she is back at the bunny rabbit thing again BUT WHO KNOWS
The point is this makes me feel VERRY,VERRY, VERRY
[color:"red"] BAD [/color]
Tell me what to do thank you
0403
This can't happen to me!!
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0403,
I know that the triggers are the worst. I still have a hard time with mine also. What I try to do is recognize them for what they are. You are still with your WS so remember that the fear and pain you felt on Dday are in your past they are not part of your present. You are working to save your marriage. Just try to relax and do something you enjoy to try and change the subject in your head. Hang in there!
BS-me 36 FWW-34 DS-7 & DS-3 PA - 7/06-8/06 EA - 6/06-1/07 D-Day: wife confessed 2-17-07, suspected 8-02-06 Broke NC: 2-19-07, 3-24-07, 5/07 My StoryMy Wife's Story --------------------- Healing one day at a time.....
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You can't recover unless and until she REMOVES THE CONDITIONS THAT LED TO HER AFFAIR. Of course you are triggered! In order for recovery to take place, she must STOP doing the things that make it possible for her to have an affair in the first place.
You should be going to lunch and a movie with her, not her girlfriend.
Why not print out the article I posted yesterday from Dr. Harley and give it to her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ML, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />where is it?
This can't happen to me!!
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0403..."under the bed" that is so cute!
Weeellll...I will start by saying that what needs to happen for you to start to move forward has not happened yet, and until it does, the triggers will stay very bad, according to my DH (want2stay). But I can tell you, once your WW stops the bad behavior (I'm sorry- did you say you listened to her when she told you "she is not sleeping around anymore") you will begin to heal.
<<BTW-for everyone...why is cheating on every darn TV show/every movie/every WHERE. Even comercials insinuate...For us, more specifically, the OM's name is all over the clothes lines at our favorite store (and the line is for women AND girls AND men AND boys) Even the friggin HANGERS have his stupid name on them. Ugh!>>
Time to get proactive...who have you exposed to...who are these people she's messing around with (I'm assuming there's more than one, but I could be wrong). Your WW is incapable of telling the truth about any of this, so don't listen to a word she says. Have you read all the stuff here? If she is truly sorry, she will do whatever it takes to help you heal, and that includes all the things suggested on this site. Had she been transparent with you...cell phone records, exact wherabouts, online communications, etc? Give us a brief rundown of your sitch...
And hang in there...we'll be your cheering section!
PS...might want to start reading Mark's Musings and Orchid's reverse babble threads. Let me know if you cannot find them.
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YES, She Became as tranparent a waterford crystal for a while. I am an X alcaholic(12yrs clean), army sgt(hot head)& not prone to allowing stuff to just get swept under the carpet. But this gal (W) shure pulled AND -possibly pulling again - the wool over my eyes
UGGGH I shudda kept drankin & slept unde a bridge-- still might
This can't happen to me!!
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Oh, WELL, I don't know anything about being a hot head (harhar...you'll have to read my threads to see just how funny that is!).
How long has it been since D-day? Is it just that specific trigger that threw you (and BTW, totally agree with Mel-she sould be with you, not girlfriends) into thinking she's regressing, or has attitude been different...? Is the WW alien (oh you know her, I'm sure) inhabiting again?
Melody's post from yesterday...I will bump it for you...will be at the top of the GQ page in a minute..
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Dr Harley: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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well , Y'ALL said keep buisy. I guess I will read these posts Thanks 0403 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
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OK, NOW Should I confront her as soon as she comes home?
OR wait?
This can't happen to me!!
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0403, show her the article and explain to her how badly her behavior triggers you. Tell her your marriage cannot recover until she changes it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OK, NOW Should I confront her as soon as she comes home?
OR wait? Is this the first time that she has done this in the past couple of years? Was this friend also a co-conspirator in your wife's infidelity? In regards to confronting her - IMO, it would depend on what confronting means to you. Confrontation sounds, well, confrontational. How would she respond to something similar to: "Honey, I didn't realize how much this would impact me today. I have been anxious ever since I remembered that meeting up with {friend} and going to a movie happened during the affair. I don't know how to be at peace with this activity. I would like to talk with you about how we can work through it and find a solution that works for both of us." Or is the affair something you avoid discussing totally?
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we talked about it loads. I try really hard not to let MY feelings come to the surface as not to squash the progress we have made. This looks like NOT TRYING AT ALL on her part -to me any way
This can't happen to me!!
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0403, it looks that way to me too. Your feelings should come out about this, just don't lovebust her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Was this friend an enabler of the affair? Did she help cover for your wife and/or know about the affair?
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She says that her friend(nice person) knew nothing- I doubt it. Ml, I do not know what "LOVE BUST IS" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
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Here's a link to Dr. Harley's articles about Love Busters. That should get you started!
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lots & lots of reading. A straight answer is way better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by 0403; 01/06/08 08:39 PM.
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I went to your other thread, linking to this one...where you said you talked with your W about your trigger and...
she turned it around and made you out to be the bad guy again?
I'm sorry, how is that turning it around? Were you out to make HER the bad guy?
LA
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