thanks Orchid, i know it must kill u to say this to me. He hasnt been a nice man. It is only me who is going to go through the suffering if things go wrong...i dont really get the babbling thing.
can u tell me when do u think he is babbling to me?

misssad,

Can you please link both your threads together? It will help us on posting to you. I will work on the RB examples.

Schoolbus, FH and others are offering good support. Listen to them.

take care,
L.

thanks Orchid, how can i link the 2 threads together?.
He texted 6 times last night. He is desperate for another chance.
He said he has put for sale the house where he was supposed to move into when he comes back from Spain.He says we should sell all the property and move to Spain and i can decide what house we will buy.
He is just scared of having to move out.
He says he knows he has a problem and is asking me for help.
Im suppose to see a psyquiatrist today to talk about him and his personality disorder (this is what this doctor thinks he might have for what i told him on the phone).
I am also suppose to talk to the Harleys this evening.
Please everybody pray for me that i make the right decision.\
He is supposed to come back from Spain tonight, he would be taking the plane in 3 or 4 hours. I wont ask him to come. He can stay there for few more days until i make up my mind.
Do u think iam doing the right thing?
Every time i think about that young girl and the jokers makes me so sick...If he has really been having sex with ANY of these girls, i dont want him back.
Not just for the fact that he has had sex but because for all that i have gone through with him before

Do you want to be married?

Only you can answer that question.

You may not want to be married if there was any sex, that is your decision to make. But the vast majority of people on MB are either in the process of recovering their marriages or have recovered their marriages, and their WS's did have sex with their affair partner.

"Do u think iam doing the right thing?"

In the final analysis, it really doesn't matter what we think, it only matters what you think.

For me, the question came down to two questions: 1)did I love my wife, and 2)what would Jesus do with His bride who had sinned a 'huge' sin against him?

I had to answer those questions for myself.

So do you.

It's not easy, but that IS why they call it "Forgiveness."


God bless.

Here is a sample of your WS' babble:



The babble is that he only wanted to be friends yet got real angry when she didn't meet him in Dublin so then ask her to meet him in Spain. He seems more like a stalker than a friend.

Now you say he is on his way back home. Right now you don't know if he saying things so he doesn't lose his stuff or because he really wants to reconcile.

If you want to find out, have him come back home with the understanding that there needs to be a civil and frank discussion about the future of your M. Expect him to balk. Be prepared for more babble.

But for this to happen, you have to be strong enough to handle his babble. If you are not, then can you get someone to be with you as a supportive 3rd party? One both of you can feel safe to speak freely around? I recommend this because of the short notice of his return.

I will work on linking your 2 threads together.

take care,
L.

Misssad asked we post the link to her 1st thread:

Link to Misssad's 1st thread.

Thanks O. and FHs
I called another of his numbers it was a lovely 18 yr old prostitutes.
\Yes, she did met my great H, she remembers him. He went 3 times to her.
I also discovered he was seen the 20 yr old since at least july eventhoug she said he only started calling her 2 months ago.
Who cares now. NOW I KNOW.
I know in my heart i cannot love him any more, the betrayal is WAY TOO BIG.
Im giving up, he gave up years ago.
A man who that all this to his wife is not a good man, whether he is sick or not, whether i had a bad face when he came home or not.
That's it..
He is not coming home this wknd.
he still texts: how do u dare saying i was with a hook!
He is a manipulative, selfish, indecent, dishonest man.
The father of my children has stained their name.
|He has taken away my dignity and respect as a woman, as a person. Now it's up to me to restore all this damage.
I can only ask God for help. From now on He is going to be my support, im going to ask him to support me.
I feel so lonely. The love of my life has betrayed me so many times in such a secretive way while i was ALWAYS thinking about him. Yes, dissapointed many times with his behabiour but still always hoping he would become one day just a simple, normal, loving H.
Now i now he will never be that person, not for me anyway. Another woman might be able to get a better person out of him.

Misssad,

Personally, I don't think you are ready to give up yet. Eventually you might but for now your mind and heart still do not appear to be in sync.

You have uncovered distrust and betrayal. You are angry and rightly so but your heart won't let you let go. Not yet.

So what should you do? Finish your plan A and work on plan B. Remember your mind and heart should be in sync for a good plan B to work. Otherwise it is very hard.

JMHO,
L.

But Orchid, i dont want a plan b to work, i want him out of my life for good.
Why do u think my heart is not in sync?
I believe now definetly IS. It is not only anger what i have, i am disgusted with him, couldn't look into his face, playing with 18 yr old girls!!...I still dont believe it.
Can u really see me working on a plan A??? after all i have discovered???
My H is a sex addict and a serial adulterer, i DEFENITLY DONT WANT THAT IN MY LIFE.
He is skunk and not worth fighthing for

Now, he is telling me he spoke to his solicitor and told him i cannot stop him from coming to the house, is this true?
I told him i would leave boxes with some of his stuff outside the house and he can collect them when he arrives from Spain around 11 or so (kids will be in bed) and then he can come on Sunday at a certain time and collect the rest when kids or me are not around.
What do u think of this plan?

I am worth it and didnt deserve this

Misssad, NO one who is a Betrayed Spouse "deserved" this.
I chose to honor MY vows and commit, even in the face of the "worst of the worst" of "for better or for worse."

You don't have to choose that way. It IS your choice to divorce or attempt recovery. I would leave you with the only "caution" that I give everyone. "Don't make life-changing decisions while you are lost in a sea of emotions." Make them when you can calmly and rationally CHOOSE and not "react" to the pain and anguish. That is what Orchid is talking about when she says your heart AND mind need to be in SYNC. Your mind CANNOT be in sync when your heart is being tossed violently about in the hurricane force winds of "d-day."


Misssad, there is no need for a Plan B or a Plan A if you have decided that you want a divorce.

If you sincerely believe that it is "all his fault" and that there was nothing that you contributed to the marital atmosphere that led him to seek something outside of the marriage, then there is no point in even a Plan A that addresses changes you might need to make within yourself.

I wish you well. You may want to move your posting to the Divorced/Divorcing for additional help regarding the challenges of Divorce and single parenthood.

God bless.

FH, of course i contributed my part to our bad M, i am not perfect either but his betrayal is to big.
I dont believe in divorce. Iam a catholic and we cannot divorce. I will be married to my H until the day i die.
This doesnt mean i have to live with him until then.
He has destroyed my life and will continue doing so.
I wont be able to trust him ever again.
All these secrets for all this years...
I really dont believe i was that bad, he stopped the fight long ago and has become a very perverted man. I wont take responsability for his madness and insanity.
thanks for all ur help, u were great
I'll see u in heaven and give u a big hug, pray for me...

rchid, what do u think?
Mine is not a normal case of BS, he is a serial adulterer.
I could never forgive this. I think a have a better chance of a happy life without somebody like him and my children can be happy too,
dont u think so?
do u think i should let him into the house?

Orchid, do u mind me asking, did ur recovery work at the end, are u still happily married?

No it doesn't, Misssad. You have the right to a divorce if that is what you want.



Missad, we ALL understand this feeling of "total devastation." I have many times referred to is the "nuclear holocaust devastation" of adultery that is "visited upon" the Betrayed Spouse. It is THAT depth of devastation that takes a long time in recovery for most FORMER Wayward Spouses to begin to understand, but eventually they do begin to "get it." Like most "pains," no one but the individual REALLY knows what it's like unless they, too, have gone through something similiar. Those of us on MB who have been the Betrayed Spouse half of the "equation," DO understand what you are feeling.

I also would be remiss if I did not also tell you that "looking back" at where I was, where our marriage was "back then" when we made the choice to attempt recovery DESPITE our legitimate feelings, I can tell you "it was worth the attempt and the working through the pain."




Missad, my wife was in a deeply involved continuous affair for 6 years. I UNDERSTAND what you mean by "all this years." It makes you think that everything you believed was one gigantic LIE. And in many ways it was.

The POINT of recovery, though, is NOT to go back to the "way it was," but to recognize the mistakes and BUILD a new marriage out of the ashes of the nuclear devastation that has left your "current marriage" burned to ashes.

It is the idea of the Phoenix, reborn from the ashes. It is the idea of a "new birth" in Christ Jesus. It is the idea of the "Master Potter" exposing and removing the flaws in the vessel of your old marriage, mashing down the clay of that marriage, and reforming a brand new marriage out of the old clay...minus the flaws that are removed.

What did it cost God to forgive you?

The "cost" of forgiveness is never cheap. And it's rarely "easy" either.

God bless.

But FH, i dont think ur w. was a serial cheater, was she?, u said: her continuos affair (not As) for 6 yrs.
Well my story is different there has been so many i cant start counting them, i will never know how many.
he had it all so well hidden i still cannot start imagining this is happening, it's so unreal.
he is a sick man and im not sure even if my kids will be safe with him, i really dont

FH, another think is: if u were to choose again, would u have choosen to marry your wife again?
The thing is i would never do it again. Somehow i recognise IT WAS a mistake, i woulnt do it again, i would choose a different partner for the rest of my life. I sold myself too cheap
What reasons do i have to stay with a person like my H? NONE

Misssad,

Your's isn't as unique as you may think. My H had more than one A the first 3 were ONS but the last one lasted 3 years.
He visited porn sites and that is what got him started in wanting to see what he was missing. When that selfish A virus hit, that is when he went nuts. I found out about 3 months after the long term A had begun. I was previously suspicious but could not confirm. later he confessed the rest.

The point here is to get you through a good plan A and B as needed. We all need to do a good plan A. Plan B is optional if the BS is done with her plan A changes and the WS is still a WS. For the sake of preserving what love is left, a BS generally goes to plan B.

Identifying one's personal and M boundaries is good to do before plan B is implemented. Do you have yours? It should a be a short but solid list. A list of things that will NOT change for you.

To answer your question, despite the odds our M was saved. Not by me alone but by us, together. I can tell you stories of what I went through and some of them will make you laugh and others will make you cry. For real! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

For example, I named OW: PBR which stands for Psycho Babble Rabbit. She earned every part of that name. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


L.

Misssad - I really don't want to get into a "comparison" of who's "infidelity touched" marriage is "worse." ALL infidelity is "as bad as it gets."

So to answer your question, No, my wife was not a "serial cheater." She was deeply involved ("in love") with her OM and, as a result of her commitment to him, I was celibate for 6 years. I stood 1 meter away from both my wife and the OM when she told him "I want you." Now we can argue all day long about which "sort" of Wayward Spouse and what sort of Affair(s) a Wayward Spouse had, but in the final analysis the only really relevant issue is that the Marriage Covenant of "forsaking ALL others" was broken.

Recovery depends upon 2 primary factors. 1) A Betrayed Spouse who is willing to try DESPITE the very real emotional hurts and, 2) A Wayward Spouse who is repentant and willing to end all affair activity and is willing to try to recover the marriage DESPITE their own feelings and 'unhappiness' that led them to choose adultery.

At the beginning of recovery, neither spouse can "see" a successful recovery. A successful recovery is built "one day at a time."

That's the STARTING point. That's the point where all that really exists is "let's try." No guarantees of success, just a sincere commitment to TRY.

My advice to most who are reacting as you are is to NOT do anything for at least 6 months while you both work on the first trembling and difficult beginnings of an attempt at recovery. There are HURTS enough to "go around."

God doesn't "have to" forgive us our sins and grievous actions against Him, but He does it because of Christ who took our punishment for us and pain the price with pain, anguish, torture, and death. That is love.

God bless.

Yes, Misssad, I would marry her again. But I'd also like to know "then" what I know now about how to build a good "affair proof" marriage and just stumble around in a marriage thinking that just "being married" was "enough" to prevent affairs from happening. I NEVER in a "million years" thought my wife was capable of, much less actually having, an affair. I have learned the "hard way" that if you neglect the Emotional Needs and don't put in safeguards, ANYONE is potentially capable of having an affair.

I also would not have my wonderful children if I hadn't married her. So I'm not willing to give that up in order to avoid the pain that I went through. All of my children know about the affair, and I hope that they have learned something about love and forgiveness, repentance and submission to God, from both my wife and I.

God bless.

FH, ur an amazing andvery special man. Your w.was so lucky to marry someone like you.
the psiquiatrist i spoke twice on the phone has said to me that my H seems to be a psicopath, with a personality disorder. They usually are very charming people (that's him), that get on well in their work place and like having ,what it seems to others, a respectable life with w. and children but that what they really are is perverts.\
He is advising me to go to Spain to my family because im going to need them.
My H has always been a very selfish man, full of problems and depression. I dont think we have ever been happy except for last Christmas when we started to use the MB concepts.
The doctor said my H is now threathend because i discovered his As and will try anything to keep his possessions and his family, he'll be nice and apply all MB concepts. But he will only do it because his whole life is being threatend