*DING* *DING* Understatement of the year Award!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, SOT. Yes I was mostly joking. See, I'm actually a *REALLY* funny person (says self) but I suppose most of my postings here have been sad, hurt, angry & confused. Sorry to confuse you.

I was thinking as I lay in the tub earlier, how I really hope H & I can get back on track within this year as we had big plans for a 10th anniversary party. We did it for our 5th & had pretty much planned on doing so every 5 years. I thought about how sad I'll be if I'm not in his arms/at our 10th anniversary party on our 10th anniversary...or will I? I don't need to tell you it was an open bar, and Mel I don't need to remind you of last year's birthday party, so, hmmm, it might be a *relief* not throwing a party catering to all our drunk, loser "friends"! Avoiding the worry is a little exciting, actually! It'd be nice to get away together in Hawaii though, sober...

My brother asked me the other night, "I've always wondered why you were OK with all the pot smoking. How is that different? Why was it OK?"

I don't know! But, it WAS different. I have no explanation. More foggy insanity I guess.

Glad you were joking. It just threw me because it came out of left field.

I can't remember if I ever read your prior thread. Do you have a link? I think I might have but it would help me to read it again.

I'm glad you mentioned your friends because that's where I was going with this. We usually get a lot of guidance from our friends and family. Usually people who drink heavily hang with others that do too, for obvious reasons. Since you have been raised with an A, married an A, and I assume some of your friends are married to an A, I am a bit concerned about advise you might get from them.

They may not be your best resource. The same for your H. If he asks his drinking buddies something like, "Don't you think Julie is acting abit crazy (controlling, whatever) demanding that I quit drinking?" They probably will defend his position. See what I mean?

I'm not suggesting you immediately end contact with everyone (not at all) but I am warning you to be very careful who you get your support and advise from. I might be wrong, but it sounds like a lot of the people in your life are touched by alcohol. The more you distance yourself from all of that the clearer things will get for you and the more productive alanon will be for you.

Does that make sense?

Well the friends thing is funny (not really) as most of them I no longer have any regard for. H is well aware that his "friends" aren't really friends & H knows that if he doesn't go to them he won't see them. Additionally, their "friendships" revolve around drunkenness & wannabe-rockstar-bands. These are people that came to DS's bday party. Not so much to support our family or share DS's special day, but instead they came, beer in trunk, ready for the "after party"...and promptly left after hearing there was to be none. Then we have the "Wives Club" as I refer to us, and yes, we'd all typically sit around & complain about the jacka*s moves our men had pulled last weekend or how sick of it we are...talk about an unhealthy environment! I haven't been close w/these women since the birthday party last year, mostly because they just don't get it. Their kids are young yet so I guess they're still telling themselves this is just a phase? I know better though. Anyway, I suppose I could have saved you a lot of reading by simply saying, you're right, and no I don't hang around any of these people anymore. Not since H left of course, and I'd been withdrawing for some time leading up to it. Best believe H is having the time of his life w/them right now though (or so he thinks?) but he doesn't talk R/M talk with them. Mostly because, like I said, he knows they don't really care!

You're not wrong SOT, and I'm hopeful for a few of the wives but in the meantime I've got work to do.

Here's the thread about the birthday party last year: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3142473

Julie

I went back and read your posts from a year ago. There were a lot of people helping to support you. There was alot of very good advice.

What happened after H went to the first meeting?

Is there more to that story?

How long or many meetings did he attend?

If he attended for any length of time a "seed" was planted. You may have a real ace in your hand with the situation now.

Did you attend Al-Anon for the past year?

All of these questions may give us better insight into your situation. We just want to help in any way possible.

Chris

Julie
Did you work this out through your intermediary or how is it that H did not take the kids? I thought you had a schedule? I thought in a past post you said you did not want to switch weekends? Did I miss something?


This was H's weekend w/the kids, but he doesn't have them. Today is a Packer game (we're in WI) & I don't know...is it the play-offs now? Anyhoo, H & DS are BOTH big-time Packer fans so they BOTH won't be missing this game. It only just occurred to me the reason H doesn't have the kids may very well be so that he doesn't have any interruptions - watching game or drinking thru its entirety. On one hand I'm glad he made the right choice per my PBL & kids best interest but on the other hand I'm sad that beer wins AGAIN - DS would LOVE to watch the game w/his dad. I've got lots of running around to do today plus I'm not football fan so DS is going to watch it w/his aunt who's very into it

Just wondering how this came about?

Chris

Hey nesre. There isn't a whole lot more to that story...H went to the one & only meeting. Those people weren't him. I tried to believe him when he said he could kick it on his own, I tried to trust him when he went to the bar & drank just Coke, (I know he only drank Coke once, though I bet the pot smoking was doubled-tripled-quadrupled). I did not attend Al-Anon meetings either. H stayed sober (no drinking, plenty of smoking though) for about a week, when a friend handed a beer & said, "don't worry, I won't tell" H took that beer, and told me about it. It snowballed from there. No seed was planted, because he is not those people.

RE: this weekend, yes, intermediary notified me H won't take them this weekend. Remember my post where I said I gave him the PBL & not even an hour later I got a text message? It was from the intermediary, stating H needed to switch weekends. I haven't OK'd next weekend just yet as I've got plans w/the kids, but I committed to giving intermediary an answer tonight. I didn't want to switch...but I don't really have a good reason not to so I'll accomodate.

Want to bounce something off you folks about a conversation I had with DD/11/previous relationship tonight. She was asking me about seeing H...

DD: Are we still going there this weekend?
Me: That's the plan, but you haven't said whether you're comfortable with that or not.
DD: Yea, I'm still not sure.
Me: Well, you've got time to decide.
DD: Are we going with him Wednesday?
Me: Yes, that's the plan, I haven't heard any different.
DD: Well, I think I'll just let (DS/8) go this weekend. I'll go Wednesday but not this weekend. I really don't support this 'getting his own place/being away from us/still drinking thing'
Me: I don't support it either. It's hard because I love him, but I hate what he's doing and what it's done to us. If that's how you feel I respect that. But if you make a decision it needs to be YOUR decision - not what you think will make Mom happy or what I'd want you to be doing.
DD: Yea, that's what I'm going to do.
Me: Are you planning to tell him this?
DD: Yea, I'll tell him on Wednesday

And then I went on to tell her to really think this thru, you've got time, and it's hard when you figure out you belive in something & you risk hurting somebody's feelings or having them mad at you. I then gave her an example of a situation I'm in right now w/someone else in my life that the kids are aware of. We pretty much ended it there as we were getting dinner ready & then we ate.

What do y'all think of this? I won't make her go but I'm worried she's trying to appease me. I was doing a little "victory dance" on the inside because I know it'll be a slap in the face to H if DD doesn't spend the weekend with him, but maybe one of those GOOD slaps in the face? Especially if she tells him? Not that this'll make him surrender to my PBL demands but if this is really how DD feels, that will be tough for H to swallow.

I worry that telling him in person may be too much pressure for her. Maybe she'll feel guilty & not say anything. Or maybe he'll manipulate her & she'll say, "OK, I'll come...". Should I offer to have the intermediary tell H that DD doesn't want to spend the weekend? It's not like DD can Plan B my H!

I just don't want DD to be in a situation that is too adult. Thoughts?

How long has she known him?

btw, I do like how you handled this with her. I would it would be terrible to put pressure on her.

Julie,

Keep in mind that this is just my opinion....

I am not so sure about the kids spending time at his place as in overnights...or even much time during the week.

How can you be sure that he won't get drunk with them there?

How can you be sure that his apartment isn't full of drinkers and smokers?

How can you be sure that they will be ok with him?

Would he drive while under the influence?

Maybe your presence was what was keeping that from happening at the marital home.

How can you be sure about them going over there?

committed

All her life. She's got 2 dads - the bio one who only lived here till she was 4 & then moved to FL & had another baby & is now not with that babymama either and sees her maybe 2x/yr, and H...who's been her constant since she was 10mos old.

Committed, you're too late!

I mean, your points are valid indeed, but I've already done the PBL & set up the intermediary & got our visitation schedule...and H is already upset he doesn't get them more often!

The truth is, I CAN'T be sure of any of those things. BUT, they are outlined in my PBL and I have some faith that H won't put them in danger. To be honest, I have NO IDEA where this apartment is - in the ghetto, in a skyscraper, 2 blocks over...I don't know!

I've told the kids the truth though, so they're def sensitive to the drinking. H's drinking has always been social. He's never been the one to drink alone so I cannot fathom him hiding liquor or sneaking it w/the kids. Even if he was stuck watching a game at home, he'd only have 2 beers cuz it just wasn't the same w/o his drinking buddies.

I don't think, legally, I have the right to withhold visitation!

The truth is, I CAN'T be sure of any of those things. BUT, they are outlined in my PBL and I have some faith that H won't put them in danger. To be honest, I have NO IDEA where this apartment is - in the ghetto, in a skyscraper, 2 blocks over...I don't know!

This needs to change. You should know where they are. You NEED to know where they are.

Even when couples are divorced they have to give that information to the other parent.

I'm sorry that I am too late. I would have surely brought this to your attention.

committed

Julie, your intermediary needs to find out where he lives and she should tell him that there will be issues if there is any drinking. The kids need to call you up if there is drinking, partying going on so you can come get them. I would coach them about this. And this won't be easy, because they probably think drunkeness is quite normal.

There...

What Mel said....

committed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I can do that. I haven't asked where it is because to me, it doesn't matter in a sense that it'd get back to H & seem like I'm interested...for the wrong reasons, perhaps. Although he did ask me last week if I'd be able to pick them up, so I know he's not trying to keep that info from me. I haven't asked the kids any details from their visits. They haven't shared much.

I will coach the kids on drinking (again) and beat them over the head with NO DRINKING **OR** SMOKING while they're there. If so, call me & I come for you because it's NOT OK. DD will do it but DS will let him slide, if it were to occur.

No, they don't think drunkenness is quite normal. They know it when they see it, and they've never liked it. Again, DS will be the one I worry about not speaking up but DD won't have it.

Julie, I would ask the kids to tell you all about their visits so you can keep tabs.

I would drop the smoking thing, though.

Why would I drop the smoking thing? This is the second time you've told me that...why? Whether cigarettes or marijuana, #1 they won't necessarily know the difference and #2 second-hand smoke is damaging (especially in tighter quarters) and #3 the added inconvenience is just that, an added inconvenience! Why do you go easy on smoking?

Smoking is small potatoes that has nothing to do with this. You have REAL FISH to fry here. You can't make a spouse stop smoking. If that is an annoying habit of his, then that can be addressed in RECOVERY. But it has nothing to do with Plan B and nothing to do with the children's safety while they are with him.

Now, if he is smoking POT, they should call you to come get them.