Listen here, commie, don't make me come over there and open up a can o whoopass. I watched WW wrasslin when I was a kid and look how good I turned out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> DUH!

So yesterday my brother, his 2 kids & wife came over while his wife did my taxes. When they came in, the (screen) door FLEW open like it does when everyone comes in lately. We had some really bad winds a few weeks back & when DS opened the door, not being aware of the wind, the wind grabbed the door & pulled the screws & hinge right out of the frame. So, now we have to be more careful as it's not attached as well as it's supposed to be.

Anyway, my brother, while retrieving the door from the WAY OPEN position, gave me a look of sorts. I said, after thinking a minute, "hey, do you think you could fix that?" He gave me an even more animated look of sorts, and said, "NOOO"........................."I didn't break it".................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Yea, so that's my family. NONE of us broke it & I haven't got any power tools here (H has oodles & oodles of power tools. OH, how I miss my husband AND his power tools!) so I'm really not equipped to fix it myself (otherwise, believe me, it'd be FIXED!!!)

My mom was here too, cuz my SIL does her taxes too, and when my brother walked in my mom (remember, almost 40 yrs married to my (still) alcoholic dad) started enthusiastically congratulating my brother - he's recently gotten a promotion. He just looked at her cross & kind of giggled, as if to say, "whatever, idiot"

Thing is, that's how we, my brother & I specifically, function. We all suck - you suck & I suck & we both know she sucks & I know you suck, etc. NO support, NO help (although my SIL really saved my [censored] on the taxes, and didn't charge me for her services)

You see, I'm not SUPPOSED to ask for help. Do it yourself. Sheesh!

Consider collecting power tools, one a month from pawn shops. My husband built up quite an arsenal when we had very little money by paying a regular visit to the pawn shop. A power drill to handle putting in those screws in the screen door for example, - 20 bucks, tops.

KA, what a great idea! OK, I need help again...

Once I get my confirmation email on the taxes, I will file LSA as agreed/promised. Points of concern:

1. "We're" getting back just under $2K - typically we get close to $5K. I'd considered giving H something, but to be honest that money is already promised.
2. Should I have IM tell H I've got nothing for him? Leave it alone till he asks? Give him a couple hundred anyway?
3. I talked to IM today. She told me (at my probing, so don't be mad at her if you're mad) 2 "key" things, IMO: #1-she thinks that if/when I file LSA, that will "seal the deal" for H & he'll consider us "done". She said she'll explain I needed to do this, etc, but she feels very strongly he'll consider us OVER once he's got the papers. (She's serving him Wed) #2- when she talked to H last week about the voicemail, etc they talked for an hour & a half, and he did say he does want to come home. But, he does not want to meet my conditions, he does not think anything is wrong with him.

????? I'm perplexed, because he's been telling the kids he does want to get to AA. ?????

So anyway, can y'all help me w/a script maybe, for IM? She's sure he'll be done once he sees the LSA stuff & expects he'll call her. She could be right, but that's almost expected right? I do think my "plan" is "working" so I'm not quite hesitating on filing. Just need some help is all.

He is in total denial of his drinking.

He has left his home so he can drink.

He has not supported his children or wife in any way since he left.

I know you love him, but it that you need from him as a husband and a father? No one can decide this but you. The legal action is to get support for you and the kids since he hasn't made that his priority. He MAY decide that he is done, or, he could see that you really meant what you said about him getting sober.

Oh and personally, I would not give him a dime, but that's just me. I would make keeping my house a priority.

you need to get the mortgage caught up right? put that money there. your priority is to keep a roof over their heads. too bad for h this year. i'd hope that would be where he would want it to go too.

if he done when he gets served, then he is done. you are doing the best thing you can for you and your kids. trust me, i lived with an alcoholic father. he doesn't want to abide by the conditions set forth to ensure you have a healthy family, than he doesn't come home. pretty simple. you would think he would get help so he could come home. true sign of addiction.

mlhb

You guys are right. If he's done, well then I guess we know don't we? And then he can explain it to his kids, who hope for his sobriety as much as I do, and who know the difference between D & LSA! So, thanks for the reassurance there.

And yes, the house needs to be the priority. Duh. Not sure why I needed to be reminded of that!

So I guess now I just want to help IM. I'm not sure why she felt so strongly - she could be right & she could be wrong. We'll find out. I'm not sure why she thinks H will call her when he gets the LSA, but she's talked w/him more recently so I have no reason to second-guess. I guess I want to make sure she says the "right thing" or...whatever. I want my husband back! (Sober) (I promised my kids) (I've come too far to go back on that one)

Julie, your intermediary is only supposed to be delivering urgent information to you regarding your children -- not play marriage counselor. I would thank her for her opinion and continue to follow the MB plans. What your husband "thinks" about the LSA is of no consequence to you at this point. It's purpose is to protect you legally-- not end the marriage. But if husband feels that LSA is the end, then that's on him. But what needs to happen is for him to stop drinking period so he can come home. Nothing else will do.

edited to change "husband" to "children" - too much sleep, fuzzy-headed, LOL

I just thought of that...and she probably shouldn't have talked with him for an hour, huh? Perhaps she got "sucked in"? Uh oh...

MEL!!?!?!?!?!?

Hi Julie-

The LSA is there to protect you and the kids. Not just to make sure that he pays his legal obligations (support for you and the kids) but also to protect you in case he does something that might get him into financial or legal hot water.

For your IM-if she needs to say something to him about the tax $-maybe she should say that it is all going to get the house current so his kids don't get evicted because of foreclosure. It isn't about you. It's about HIS KIDS.

For the house chores, maybe there is a group at your church or a local church that helps out people with little tasks like these. I know my church has a group of men who will go to single parents' homes and do little repairs. It can't hurt to ask.

Hope this helps.

Julie, STICK TO YOUR PLAN. Your concern should be your plan, not his reaction. You have given him the conditions to come back, that is all that matters. If he won't meet those conditions, he doesn't come back. If he wants to come back, then wild horses won't stop him, he will meet those conditions.

So, file your taxes, use the money to pay your bills and support your kids and file your LSA papers.

Please tell your IM that it causes you pain and confusion to hear her opinions about your marriage.

Just stick to your plan, Julie. Go forward.

Say to her, "it sends me into an emotional tizzy when you tell me things that H says. Could you please just pass on critical information about the kids' visitation, etc? I need you to be my spam filter."

oh, never mind, I see you prodded her. YOU BRAT! Now, quit doing that, Julie, it just sends you into a tizzy!


He still believes he can come home without meeting your conditions. Stay the course to convince him you are SERIOUS. Once he gets those papers, he will know you are serious this time, Julie.

Consider the consequences for you and your children IF you did let him come home without meeting your Plan B conditions. You will NEVER EVER have the relationship with him that you dream - that you fantasize he still has in him to have with you.

STOP IT!

Until he shows ACTION that he wants the relationship as much as you do, he has the most power over it. Unless you show by your actions that you mean what you say - that you won't be starved out of your plan b - that you will cave if he is cruel and negligent of his responsibilities as a father - can you imagine that? He's worse than ever and you're considering and hanging on every word he says, letting it depress you, cost you your hope - well you had no hope when you went to plan b - it wasn't to make him do something different - it was a statement that you wouldn't live with his divided loyalties and he's only shown you more of who he is since then.

So stop thinking of what you miss - like the toolman or handyman or anything else. You are here now, as it is. Do with it what you must to take care of those little ones and stop wishing it differently - the alcohol-OW has his attention and he is nothing to you right now.

OK, OK, you're right, I'm sorry.

Yes, I prodded IM & she responded as a friend. I needed to hear it. I needed to know he wants back in. UGH

I will let her know I was wrong to ask, and remind her to keep these conversations fact-filled, and not to cater to my stupidity/curiosity/insecurity anymore.

Shall I advise her not to do it for H either? As in, their 1.5 hr conversation the other day? (Which I wouldn't even know about, if I hadn't asked, grrrrr)

I'm not sure why I did that. I'd been doing so well, and all the "emotional tizzy-ness" had actually recently subsided. You'd think I'd have been relieved, but instead I sought out more crazy. There's something wrong with me!

Now, back to me. Sigh

I informed IM, via email, of my wrong doing & the effect it has on me. I also asked her to no longer let me do that.

It's easy to forget sometimes, in all this, that I have character flaws too and I need to remember to address those as well.

I'm on the brink of calling H. I don't plan to be nice. Please, people, I'm not angry or hurt or sad or mad or confused or desperate or hopeless...I'm ALL of them and I REALLY need help.

DS got suspended!

He was pushing an autistic student against the fence.

The principal asked him why he did this, and DS said in his cockiest, punk-a*s voice, "well, to be honest, I just don't like the kid"

She wanted to clock him & so do I. He's safe, he's in his room, and he didn't get too much of my temper.

Principal requested a meeting w/H & I & her & the counselor. I told her I can't do that, but she REALLY wants H involved. She says DS's behavior is WORSE since H leaving, and she & I are both up in arms at what to do for DS next.

IM called me, H is going to take DS to school in the morning. If he takes him in, they'll let him stay & not be suspended. I cannot afford to miss even 10 minutes of work, it is simply not an option IF I intend to keep working there.

Please, tell me what to do next. H IS picking up DS in the morning, actually I'm considering having him pick him up tonight, not sure. I actually considered for the first time today, having DS go live w/H. But, IMO, that is HORRIBLE, I always swore my kids won't grow up separate, and it really seals the divorce deal. But maybe he needs to go there tonight?

Please, I need help. This Plan B either needs steroids or I need to just file for D or something else that I don't know yet.

Don't have him go to his dad tonight, that will feel like you are banishing him. Your son is understandably upset about the situation. Be FIRM but loving with him. His acting out is pretty standard for this kind of situation. Let your H take him to school, Julie.

Julie, your H has a serious drinking problem and should not be raising that boy. You are the most fit parent he has right now and he needs your influence.

Why not get him into KARATE?

And I am proud that you didn't agree to go to school together with your H. That would help NO ONE.

I don't know, I can hardly see straight. Karate feels a bit like a privilege right now.

DS was talking to H on the phone & I told him to be honest, tell him how you feel, tell him the things you're afraid to tell him (I realize this may have been wrong)

Apparently H started yelling & swearing. This gets WORSE by the minute. My kids are severely screwed. Neither H nor I is qualified to do anything outside of screw them up more at this point.

Yea, still thinking I'll probably call him.