Call who??

Julie, karate would be a great therapeutic HELP for your son right now. I would focus less on punishment and more on getting him a healthy release for his anger. They will help him channel that anger.

My husband.

I don't disagree on the karate.

Why would you call him? About WHAT? You are in PLAN B!

You know, Julie, the best thing that can happen to your son is to have a DAD who doesnt get drunk and who lives at home. The way to get that is to stay in plan B until your H agrees to the conditions of your letter. If you go breaking Plan B over every little upset, then your H will know you arent serious.

Kids getting in trouble at school is part of EVERY DAY LIFE. People can and do deal with it, without turning everything into a crisis. This is part of raising kids, Julie, and is in no way an EMERGENCY that warrants breaking Plan B.

About...this. Us, DS, the mortgage, the vacation home, the taxes, the weather. Maybe I need to let up and...something. He's not going to quit. But he misses us. He wants to come back but he doesn't want to...well you know all of this. Maybe we need counseling. Or...I don't know. I just wonder if there's something we haven't tried or something. I don't see a way out of this. Maybe he needs to hear my voice. Maybe I need to hear his? I don't know.

I know what I'm supposed to be doing but I don't feel like it's working and I want better...for me, the kids, everyone.

Can I have IM tell him something? Like, personal?

So, you think he will stop drinking and come home if you call him?

Or were you going to just forgo that condition?

OH yea, lickety split, LOL

GRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I don't know!

I want to be done with this now! It ain't workin'!

I am sorry to say, but there are no quick fixes here. Nor can you fix him.

You know what? Most boys DO get in trouble in school at one time or another and their parents don't turn it into a MAJOR CRISIS. Your son is a boy who acted out. He is a BOY. He is not an axe murderer or a rapist. A BOY who acted too aggressively at school. It is not a CRISIS.

He doesn't get it. If I called, I'd say, first off, 'I need you to know I'm not playing games or trying to "get back at you". I wanted DS to tell you he's hurting because he's shared a lot of this with me, and has been afraid to be up-front with you. He's having a really hard time & is very sad, but puts on a strong front with you and at school. I understand you miss us & we miss you too, want you home, but what we're all learning is that this house/family doesn't work with you drinking. I promised the kids no more & I still hope you'll join us. If you were to come back, again, and continue drinking, again, we'll have more blow-ups, again and they only get worse each time. It seems it's only a matter of time before I hate you & the kids probably wouldn't be far behind. None of us wants that. I can't address my problems when you're actively drinking, we can't work on our marriage when you're actively drinking, and we'll never be happy as a family with you actively drinking. We want you here & we want you healthy. I hope you'll consider this.'

You already told him this in your letter. Nor does it matter why he thinks your DS called him. He will believe the worst no matter what you say, becuase he needs YOU to be the bad guy. Trying to reason with him will avail NOTHING, because it is impossible to change his mind. He will just turn it around on you anyway and you will end up frustrated and much worse off. It will only leave you frustrated and ruin your credibility.

You told him you weren't going to contact him and here you are calling him up because he doesn't approve of something you did? Do you seriously believe there is ANYTHING you can say that will gain his approval or change his mind?

I'm scared, Mel. So, SO, so very scared. I feel like I'm losing him and that terrifies me. All of it - DS acting out so much, DD being afraid of losing "another dad", and me losing a man I love a whole lot. Very scared.

CORRECTION: HE DOESN'T WANT TO GET IT. Your H is not a stupid man.

Do you think if you just say the RIGHT WORDS, he will magically "get it?"

What would those magic words be?

OH, if I only knew!

You can always call him up and say come back as is!

julie,

you are afraid of losing a practicing alcoholic? come on!

your life and your kids lives will be so much better without the alcohol. you want a man that he is not. and is not willing to become. he doesn't even think enough of you and his kids to get help for his drinking. read that again: HE DOES NOT THINK ENOUGH OF YOU AND HIS OWN KIDS TO DO WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO TO COME BACK HOME AND SAVE HIS FAMILY. he has made his choice. he has chosen alcohol. i know that hurts, but it is true.

and i am so sorry for that julie.
come here and vent. it is ok to be scared but don't be driven by your fear to do something stupid like call him or have him come home as is just because you are scared.
what exactly are you scared of? losing a man who has made life ******? scared of a new beginning and a new life? of starting over? yes, that is scary. but one thing at a time. solve each problem one problem at a time.

you do NOT want you children growing up in an alcoholic family, you know that you don't want to do that to them.

mlhb

Sheesh Julie,

I go to a little ole' meeting and you go crazy on me! (just kidding)

Are things settling down tonight at all?

Julie, What's the next best thing to do RIGHT NOW? This is a common alanon phrase when you feel crisis and panic. What is the next best thing to do tonight? (HINT: It is NOT calling H)

Keep going Julie...

Calling your husband and speaking your son's feelings for him isn't really helping your son. Your son needs to learn to do this himself. And he will. Give him that chance.

If you think about it, this is your anger at your husband at play. And you are angry for good reason. Just don't let your anger blow the progress of your plan B. You will not be happy with yourself if you do.

Adult children of alcoholics typically take a minor upset such as this, and turn into a MAJOR CRISIS. I see that happening here.