SOT, I specifically told you no meetings. Not till I get this all under control. It's in the contract. Remember?


I think, where I was at then, was not wanting to speak DS's feelings to H, but rather to defend myself - let him know where I'm coming from - help him understand where I'm coming from.

Yes, my anger has been the steering wheel in a lot of this. Or, is it my love? Hmmm...not sure. Anyway, DD came down to tell me about #1 her disappointment in DS & his NEW suspension and #2 her upset w/H & how she feels he's choosing "his friends" over us. UGH, cried together again, we did. I encouraged her to call H if she wanted to, but she didn't - opted to write him a letter. Said I'm not being fair in recognizing H has pain too, he misses us all, etc. and that this is very hard for her.

I've got a headache again. I need some better coping skills. And I need to get strong again. Because no matter what H is thinking right now about how I'm acting or what I had the kids do or whatever...yes, what will really stand out in the end is that I stayed dark & "strong" in my resolve.

I want this fixed now. I can't get over that. I've put in my time and I feel I've earned it.

Tried to participate in Oprah's webinar but the connection is shady so I came back here. I need to stick w/my reading.

Sounds like YOU need a meeting...Do I have to swim over there? how long has it been?

Watch out for the "fixing" thing. I think it has been talked about before. It is most definately enabling, co-dependent behavior. I know you've had a life time of it, but you need to recognixe when you are trying to fix something (someone) and resist that. Very much part of the Perfect Daughters book if I remember right...ACOA.

Remember the 3 C's...can't control it, can't cure it and didn't cause it.

Julie I haven't read your whole thread so I may be off by alot here...

My SD's dad and my current wife put their daughter in the middle of everything... It was not good... Father would tell his daughter... "tell your mom" .... Mom would tell the daughter "tell your dad".... The kid was 6 or 7 years old mediating for her parents... ridicules...

The other thing I saw from the father was him manipulating the daughter... He'd play the "I'm so hurt and can't help myself" role when ever she went to see him. Then he'd ask her to report everything that was going on in the house... It got to the point she would get very moody and ugly at home before she had to go see him. (Acting out I'm sure)

I don't know if your WS would stoop to this level but just be aware of that kind of crap and put a stop to it if you can....

Hang in there and stay dark, Julie. Prayers going up for you.

Julie - I'm a daughter of an alcoholic - mom kept coming back instead of standing her ground. Their marriage has been distant and unfulfilling for both of them. Lots of anger. But as a daughter, it has taken 24 years of processing which part is mine and which part is theirs. I was groomed and trained to be a rescuer.

I had to break that training. I had to become a mother that I had no reference for being. That is, unless I was willing to let the disease of alcoholism harm my son. Consider that I married an addict - not alcohol, but an addiction none-the-less.

Julie - your job is to be a chain-breaker. Stop rescuing your husband - and your children. The best parent lets their children suffer small consequences so that they never have to endure the biggies. I went through some stuff with my son who most of the time is an angel. I didn't call the principal and try to negate the consequences. I didn't blame the other kid. I didn't call the teacher and tell him to fix this - my son screwed up. And he needed to fully own his behavior - but I was also loving and supportive of him. Just not rescuing.

I like the reminder - you can't control it, you can't cure it and you certainly didn't cause this crisis.

It would be a good thing for you to do that you summarize the consequences of breaking Plan B for all of us to see. What's the best thing that could happen - given that you know your husband is not remorseful or looking to handle his addiction like a man who recognizes he has a problem. What's the worst thing that could happen - to you and your children if you break Plan B? Get it all out there for YOU to see. Because several of us see NOTHING good coming out of the break with the plan - and plenty of bad. But you don't or you'd never be contemplating it.

So Julie, how did the rest of your night go?

Thinking about you this morning.

It was OK I guess, I just conceded & went to bed.

DD wrote H a letter & sent it w/DS this morning. She does't want to see him this Wed. as scheduled, hopefully she'll change her mind. Nobody (principal, H, IM) has called me to report anything about the meeting and it only bothers me a little bit. It's hard to give up that control, as now I don't know every word that was said OR what the "plan" is but that's a bit of a relief too, since what I was doing wasn't "working" anyway. It's OK for H to shoulder a bit of this too.

Al-Anon/Alateen tonight.

Well, so there. I've filed my papers. Yes, they are filed. LSA. Done deal. Will have IM serve H tonight.

Yep...

Julie, I know this was so very hard for you to do...thinking about you! I'll check in on you tonight to see if you need anything. Do you think that he may try to contact you after he is served?

Did you guys get a chance to get to the meetings last night?

Hey there SOT, thanks for checking in. OH. MY. GOSH. Yes, it was VERY hard - each time she stamped those papers my heart broke a little more. I equate it with the gunshots at a military funeral. But, it is done and it is done. OH, and they waived my fees - sweet - that's $198 I DIDN'T have to spend!

Yes, indeed we went to our meetings last night. DD said she cried. DS didn't say much. I need to find a new/different/another group though. I'm not getting all I need from this one.

I DON'T think he'll try to contact me once he's served. I pray I'm right about that. UGH, and we've got court already on 4/1! Whatever, I really need to shift the focus back to me & the kids...I've been having a really hard time emotionally since the MIL blow-up & attempted contact & him telling the kids stuff & DS having such troubles...it all seems to come back to: WE SHOULD BE LIVING/RAISING OUR CHILDREN TOGETHER!!! But, we're not so meantime it'd be good if I don't lose my house on account o' his irresponsibility.

Horsey time tonight.

I am damn proud of you today, Julie. {{{{{{{{{{{{JULIE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You stood up for your marriage and your family today and I know that is very difficult for a co-dependent person. I know it is hard for you to risk DISPLEASURE. This is all NEW to you. You did good, Julie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hurdles: 1 down, 472 to go































....AND COUNTING!!!

You took the first STEP, Julie. That one is the hardest.

OOOoooh, nobody told me that! Maybe it gets easier from here? Bring it on!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey Julie, How are you doing tonight???

Hey SOT, my night went well.

You said your H woke up in court, right? Was that LSA?

I've got till 4/1 to be strong enough to "face" H in court...that means no calling to hear his voice on VM, no snooping Myspace to see his pic, no asking IM or kids irrelevant questions. LOTS of reading & probably posting here like mad.

Glad your night went well. I was a little worried. Did the IM serve him?

LSA is not an option in my State so I went to a divorce atty. I was done living with an alcoholic. He had also had a serious emotional affair the year before. It was absolutely over and he was deeply regrettful but I was done with all the crisis that he brought into my life.

We never went to court. I sat down and quietly (no drama at all) told him what that I had met with the atty and filled out all the forms. I gave him a sheet of paper with information about rehab. I told him he had to attend rehab tomorrow or I would call the atty and tell him move forward. I also told him that just going to rehab was not enough. It was clear that I was done with the drinking, sneaking drinking, lying about it, etc. There was ZERO wiggle room for him and I made that VERY clear. Get sober now or get gone now.

He has not had a drink since. More than that, he went through the whole treatment...no dry drunk behavior this time. There has not been any drama or crisis since. Life is "normal" and I would not have it any other way. He knows without a doubt, that if he ever returned to that lifestyle I would not warn him this time. I would simply be done.

Since he is sober, he has a much better marriage, relationships with other people, our children etc. He has also recently gotten a serious promotion. Life is never perfect but he has never been happier. I pray the same for you.

Hmmm, that sounds familiar so it must have been somebody else I was thinking of, whose H suddenly "got it" once he stood in front of the judge. Thanks for sharing again. I wish I'd come back here or even stayed...because it didn't necessarily have to come to this - separation/H living in an apartment/LSA, that is. But, it is what it is so I just have to make the best of it. OH, and to answer your question, no IM didn't serve H - he didn't see the kids last night as he should have because I guess the truck broke down again. He told her he'll try to get there tonight. Fingers crossed.

The next few weeks, I will be focusing on ME, specifically getting ME to a place where I am strong/proud/confident enough to stand near(?) H in a courtroom. I don't want to come off as cocky, or cold, or arrogant...but I CANNOT come off as broken, shattered, or desperate. I'm going for LOVINGLY DETACHED - I think that's what I need & it's what H needs to see.

Now, I need help again. DS has basketball tomorrow night, I'm taking him cuz he's home this weekend, and I've already got the heads-up that H's friend will be there (his son is in DS's class). I won't be able to avoid him as I did last time, so what do I do? I'm guessing he'll sit by me & talk to me...I don't want to get into it...and at this point w/o everyone's input I'm thinking I'll be happy, friendly, and say, if asked, "I'm doing all I can to save my marriage" and hopefully leave it at that.

Thoughts?

THANK YOU. That is exactly where your focus should be, Julie. You can help the kids with this too. No matter what happens, it is in ALL your best interest to focus on your own life.

In the typical alcoholic family, the focus is always on the ALCOHOLIC. Every one is walking on eggshells, thinking about him, anticipating his next move, preparing for his next move, etc. You have to get out of that DYSFUNCTIONAL ROUTINE and make yours a KID CENTERED HOME, that is longer focused on his sickness.

Also, I would brace yourself for any attempt of his to contact you and throw you into a TIZZY when he is served. Avoid contact with him at all costs and if he gets through, do not REACT. He knows exactly how to push the right button to get a reaction, so STOP if that happens, don't react and CALL Holly or me. ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are doing GREAT!! Hang in there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ditto everything Melody Lane just said. Couldn't have said it better.