You're welcome! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I'm in a good place again/still...got my hair cut & then took the kids to dinner - all with money we don't have, but, whatever...for the first time in a long time we spent our evening talking to EACH OTHER and not focusing on or worrying about or crying over H! It was worth every penny.

Mel, this is crazy - I want to respond to you by saying, "nah, he's not going to try contacting me. He understands he can't, plus, he probably doesn't want to..." blah blah blah - what's crazy is I've got no argument, YOU have heard his voice more recently than ME - and that is a BEAUTIFUL thing! I've got so many angels around me, praying for me, looking out for me, kicking me & being real with me, and regretfully I've spent 2+/- weeks forgetting or denying or ignoring that. I was so wrapped up in what H was doing or how he's feeling or if he wants back in or when he's going to AA...WHO CARES!?!? I got a life to live, here!

Well, from what I can tell, he hasn't been served tonight either. I haven't heard from IM, I'll check in w/her tomorrow if I don't hear by then. I may have to go w/the Sheriff after all. We shall see.

No feedback on tomorrow night's inevitable encounter w/H's friend? Is it because I've already got the right idea?

I am so glad that you had a good time at dinner. You're doing a good job with the kids, Julie.

I think I know why you thought my H got serious while in court...My first husband (my EX) finally caught on about CS during a hearing. He did all the things your H is doing...wouldn't pay, made tons of excuses, left us VERY high and dry financially, changed visitation constantly but claimed to be super dad. It was a tough time. I didn't actually file for D (no LSA here) for 6 months. Once I actually filed, had the court involved with visitation and CS, things got much better. He could try to BS me with all of his excuses but that didn't fly in court. It is only then that I started to get CS. He still tried to dodge it by working for cash, etc but it improved dramatically once the courts were involved. We have been divorced for over 16 years. My Husband is the one who is a recovering A. I paid an atty and did all the paperwork for a D but gave him 24 hours to get to rehab before I actually filed the papers. He went to rehab and things have been excellent since then. Sorry for the confusion.

I didn't respond about H's friend because I am not a plan B expert and I don't want to misguide you. I leave that one to the others...my GUT would say that if you get trapped and can't avoid him tell him straight up you that you are here to watch DS game and won't discuss the situation...and then DON"T. Easier said than done though. I am afraid that H's friend will say something that will take you off track or get you upset. In any event, you do need to be prepared because you will eventually run into somebody somewhere.

I'm having a good day!

IM called me

IM: (H) is on his way to pick up DS.
Me: Huh?
IM: Principal didn't call you?
Me: No...
IM: DS got suspended again! H is on his way to pick him up but he doesn't have enough gas to bring him back home tonight. What do you want me to do?
<Insert: Boo-frigging-hoo>
Me: I don't want YOU to do anything, DS has basketball tonight @5 so he needs to be home.
IM: Well, like (H) said, he shouldn't even go, he should be punished.
Me: Yea, I felt that way too, but I was reminded this is DS's only outlet & it's not good to take it away.
IM: I don't know, I agree with (H) on this one, but that's just my opinion.
IM: So, what do you want me to do? This isn't (H's) weekend is it?
Me: No, it's not. I want him home...get gas & get him home or figure it out!
IM: OK, I'll figure it out
Me: NO, H needs to figure it out!

IM is a little irritated this morning. I can't tell if it's with me or with H or with DS or all of the above...she's willing to pick up DS later but she doesn't agree w/me letting him go to basketball (sigh) and she shouldn't leave the house as she cares for her elderly mother. I wonder if she's getting too wrapped up in this? Maybe I should just have H keep DS thru the weekend & whatever days next week he might be suspended. HELP??

Good news: I'm still having a good day and I am NOT panicking! Principal still hasn't called me, she might not be planning to, that's OK, maybe she's making H deal with this all?

OH yea, more good news: LSA papers: in H's hands.

Danger Will Robinson. Your IM should have NO opinion or say in the raising of your child. If she's irritated because you don't agree with her about YOUR child, then she IS too involved.

Good job on getting WH served.

I'm not panicking. FAR from it actually. I would like some suggestions though. I don't really feel a need to call the principal, I'm OK not knowing. Basketball is a social affair/opportunity to burn energy. It's not organized, no team, etc.

I agree about IM. Ugh, find #3? Heck, I'm plum out of prospects! Um...maybe DS should just stay with H this weekend? But he'll need stuff...do I need to drop it off @H's apartment? Please, somebody, tell me I do not need to go to H's apartment.

Mel?

Bumping cuz I'm concerned for IM & how I/we/H should handle DS - not sure H will be "willing" to keep him anyway but I do know IM is waiting to hear back from me..........!

I'm goona go pick up DS @H's place. I'm going to give him money too. He needs gas, groceries, etc.

Eeeks, had to get rid of that post count.

Do NOt give him money!!

Why are you going to his apt? I don't think you need a new IM. She is a good IM, she just happens to have an opinion about your son. Most older women are going to try and tell you how to raise your kids, thats ok. You don;t have to agree.

DON' GIVE YOUR H ANY MONEY AND DON'T BREAK PLAN B IF YOU GO THERE!

i agree with melody. DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY.not your responsibility period. he is being manipulative.

i think you IM is fine but i think you need to define boundaries again. it is not your problem nor do you need to know that he doesn't have enough gas to bring son home. he needs to step up to the plate and make sure he has enough gas, etc. i also do not believe it is IM's responsibility to go and get ds nor should she be offering to. all she should have told you was that the papers were delivered and that ds was suspended and that you should call the principal for details.
thank her for her opinion but gently remind her that is not what she is doing this for.

why did the school call your ex about this anyway, aren't you first on the list to call? if you are not you should be.

mlhb

OHHHHHHhhhhhhhh, theeeeeeeeeerrrrre you are, Mel!

Ha ha, I'm so funny.

I did not go anywhere, as I'm too d*mn stubborn. I stayed right here. DS showed up, apparently SIL/H's sister/former IM picked him up. OH, and I didn't give him money.

I'm not planning to fire IM, I was just really concerned...she really LOVES me & the kids, and is obviously affected by what's going on too. I wasn't upset at her opinion, I was upset at her being upset about this entire situation today. We're OK. DS missed basketball anyway, cuz he got home late. OH well.

OMG! DS just gave me a note he wrote "at Dad's":

To: Julie
From: (DS)

Mom, I dn't want to go to alanon and alateen anymore. I don't really like it. It's boring all you do is talk about beer and other stuff. I know thats what your supposed to do but I don't like it.

HOLY CRAP! He's enjoyed all the meetings...is it even POSSIBLE H MADE him write this?? Um, YEA! How sad! (H got the LSA papers when DS was with him. I regret that but it's how it played out. I dare not as DS "was dad mad/sad?" or anything of the like)

TO: JULIE!?!?!?!?!? What kind of button-pushing is THAT!?!?!?!?

He's not my ex.

I'm usually first on the list, but today I wasn't, and I'm not sure why but I was busy enough at work that I couldn't get wrapped up in it.

H took DS to school this Tues as part of "re-entry" for suspension. This is DS's 3rd suspension in 2 wks. Anyway, I know the principal met w/H privately for a while & nobody has told me the "agreement" or whatever since then. IM told me, "that's all you need to know" so I guess this is now between H & principal? I do think principal is looking out for me, knowing that "my way" isn't working & I'm on thin ice at work. That's all I know.

you are such a brat! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> YOU DID GREAT NOT GOING OFF INTO A TIZZ!! BRAVO!!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JULIE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

you are AWESOME! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He can't go back to school till Thursday. I am so screwed. Well, there's always Unemployment.

Plane ticket, anybody??

julie,

i apologize for calling him "your ex".. i am just so used to typing "my ex" when i post stuff. freudian slip and i do apologize.

your ds is only 8?
that letter just made me so sad. he must have had some adult prodding. his dad must be talking to him about stuff.

are your kids in counseling at all? i have not read through enough of your thread to know.

mlhb

Thanks, it stung a little. Not sure why, but it did.

Kids are both in Alateen, I'm in Al-Anon. DS/8 will see a psychologist next Wed. for the first time. DS/11 sees her school counselor once a week.

I just got done talking to DS. He said, "Dad told me to sit down & write your mom a note about Alateen"

I asked him if he said that right after they got done talking about Alateen, and he said yes.

DS is really feeling the pull. He says he's mad at me (I thanked him for his honesty) because I "kicked Dad out" and "he doesn't have a problem!" I cannot explain it. He's the pawn, H & I both guilty of laying "our story" on him. Not sure why it's so different for him, DD has a good grasp on it. It's hard for her too, but she understands what it takes for H to come home & holds him to this.

H was served LSA today, and likely upset by it, and unfortunately DS was there, and it seems like he got a little extra grief/manipulation because of it.

Pffft. Gas money. HA!

julie,

it is harder with boys i will tell you. my ds is 10 (so is my dd... twins!) and even though he knows what his dad did, and what he did was wrong, etc.. he still misses him. and my ex was never one to spend a lot of time with ds so my son CRAVES his father's love and attention. he would do anything for him. my ex could tell my ds to jump and ds would say "how high". it is sooooo sad to watch.

my son also knows he is better off here with me and he knows who loves him and who has taken care of him since day 1- me of course. but he will still tell me that when he is old enough he wants to live with dad. boys: they want dad's approval so badly and to know they are loved by dad they will do anything.

girls are a little different. my dd can't wait til the day she doesn't have to be forced to spend the night at her dad's anymore. she is very close to me. she "gets" it a little more.

you are doing the right thing having them in those groups and seeing a counselor. stay strong in your decisions. i am sure ds just misses dad and is being put in the middle by his father. i would guess that is why he is acting out at school?

from where i stand you are doing the right things and doing a great job. i know the pain of dealing with an alcoholic all too well.

mlhb

Thanks. How come you're coming to my thread so late? It's my 3rd month!

"Dad's NOT an alcoholic! You keep saying that but if he even drinks one beer he has someone else drive him home!"

I'm not sure telling him he's choosing that "ONE" drink over us will do any good. I did tell him there is ONE thing keeping H from coming home. Do you know what that is? He guessed it: alcohol!!

He wants to be w/H this weekend & I'm thinking of letting him go. Why not? I'm not sure.