My X (of 3 years)is going out of town on business for 5 days in February. I have 3 daughters ages 13, 11 and 8 and they have two dogs which need to be cared for during this time. They currently live with thier mom in a home one block from their school. I live about 5 minutes away in a one bedroom apartment equipped with bunk beds that does not allow pets. They stay with me every other weekend, the accomodations are cramped but we are only there for a short time. It is my intent to stay at their home during this time because it "is in the best interest' of the children for me to do so. With Basketball, skiing, homework and pet care this seems like the most practical solution. I plan on sleeping on the pull out couch in the living room.
I was recently reunited with my girlfriend of several years who has offered for us to spend that time at her home (we have spent numerous weekends there). The problem is that she lives 40 minutes away and that amount of driving would cause undue hardship on the girls every night and every morning before school. I have extended an invitation to the girlfriend to spend as much time with us as she wants and to even spend the night which I understand could be uncomfortable for her. She claims that I should not be "moving back in" to the house I lived in when we were married.
This could be a deal breaker for us if I put what I perceive as the needs of the children up against the feelings of my girlfriend. She has accused me of emotional black mail if I do this because I am aware of how bad she wants our relationship to work after several failed attempts.

OPINIONS PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you mean that you have spent numerous weekends at your girlfriend's home with your children?

It is interesting that she feels it is inappropriate for you to care for your children in their own home when their mother is not there; yet she thinks it is okay to have them with you at her house for a whole weekend. Maybe I am old-school but that kind of cohabitating in the presence of children is a little sleazy in my book.

If this is a deal breaker for her, what kind of a step-mother will she make for your children? She sounds insecure, manipulative and controlling to me.

Your children should come first. That is the nature of parenthood. If she were the kind of woman you want to step-mother your children someday, she would have offered to do whatever she could to help you care for these kids at a time when you need her support the most without putting undue stress and demands at a time when you least need it. It also sounds like she is putting you in a position to choose between her and the kids here. What kind of a woman would do that?

It is also interesting that she is accusing you of emotional blackmail. It sounds like the a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black.

Well, that tells you a lot. I'd move on (unless you do plan to place your GF ahead of the kids at some point).

I'm curious, why did you break up with her in the past? Was it a similar issue?

AGG

OK, I found your earlier post on this:


You got good advice back then - what has been going on in the past couple of months?

AGG

Think of it like this: Your kids are your kids for the rest of your life. Neither you, nor your kids, nor your ex, nor your GF can change that. It is part of who you are. Your GF is just your GF. That status can change, despite whether you want it to or not, it is not permanent. It sounds like she has difficulty accepting you who you are - a dad with kids and the responsibilities that go along with them.

I'd also like to mention that she seems awefully jealous and threatened by your ex. Is that something you really want in a long term relationship? Especially given that you will always remain your children's father and will always have to maintain a degree of contact with your ex as a result.

It seems to me that the gf has jealousy issues which will get in the way of a successful long term relationship. Clearly, she is demanding that she is number one in your life. I believe you are already aware of this, and you don't like it, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here for advice.

You sound like a great Dad. I wish my X had given our kids the same consideration that you do, but his OW/wife has always come before the kids. And the kids know it. It kills them.

And a 'deal breaker'? 'Emotional blackmail'? Well with those little threats over your head, she sounds very manipulative. I think the fact that you have broken up with her in the past after 'several failed attempts' should be telling you sonething.

Kids come first. GF's come and go. Good GF's know kids come first.

Peace.

I agree.....I wish my ex would put our daughter first....but instead he puts her on a roller coaster ride of dumping the OW and then getting back with her again which means ignoring our daughter when he's with the OW. It's so frustrating to see what he puts our daughter through. She's tried to talk to him about it but he refuses to see the problem. ARGH!

Better off....do your kids a favor and dump the gf and find someone who accepts that you, your kids and your ex-wife are a package deal.

Best wishes!
Ronda

Personally, I don't think it would be appropriate for GF to spend the night at X's house. Your X might see that as disrespectful to her (you are staying in HER house) and that could lead to future problems. Definitely sleep on the pull out couch.

You are kinda right in saying this could be a deal breaker but I think you are missing the point. You don't have to give into GF, but you DO need to acknowledge to her that she has a right to be uncomfortable even though it is in the best interest of the children. TALK and make an effort to include her in activities this week. Maybe even have GF meet you there before X gets home on the last day (so she doesn't have to wonder about how long you were in house with X) and then take GF out for a special night alone with you.

Is GF being overly demanding or are you sending mixed signals? You have to put the children first. Just make sure you are communicating and not contributing to GF's insecurity.

Try to work it out with the GF but the bottom line is, the kids come first. If she doesn't understand that, move on.

Better Off-

First, I agree with the others-your kids come first.

Here's another little thing to consider-if you are also planning to take the dogs to your gf's house-dogs often don't do well in new places and can show their stress by:

1) going on the floor
2) chewing on things (shoes, furniture, carpet, etc)
3) getting aggressive
4) being whiny
5) vomiting

This can happen even with well trained dogs who never do these things at home.

Leaving them alone at their house while the kids and you are at gf's house can also cause them stress (see above), especially if they are used to having people around.

I find it odd that you would be spending this time at your X's home also but if that's the agreement that the two of you reached and are both comfortable with it, then so be it.

There are other options.
Board the dogs and bring the kids to your place.
Leave the dogs, bring the kids to your place and tend to the dogs two or three times a day. It's 5 minutes away.

GF should not spend time with you at your X's home, especially overnight. That's just warped.


If your concern is for the "best interest of the children" then there appears to be other areas of your life that could use some polishing.
Get a 2 BR apartment.
Stop doing sleepovers with GF when the kids are around.

Not everyone can afford to board the pets (or they just aren't comfortable with it), and maybe financially upgrading to a 2 bedroom isn't feasible....


I went away for four days, and my ex husband stayed at my house with our 15 y/o daughter. It just worked out easier for her. All of her things are here, her ride to school lives next door, the dog (that he wanted, lol) was here...works great for us.

Better Off, I think your girlfriend needs to compromise. Having virtually no contact with your ex, and communicating through the children is something they shouldn't be responsible for. We ALL attend our kids sporting events and sit near each other. The kids look up in the stands and see that they still have FAMILY who love them and support them.

I know you want to make it work with gf, but this will only carry over...and it won't go away as the kids get older. My boyfriend, my ex and his family helped me and MY family with our son's graduation party. When your kids get married there will be a wedding that you'll all attend, there will be grandkids that you all will share....

my recommendation:

If it is advantageous to stay at the girl's home with them while your x is away, then stay. It is not appropriate for your girlfriend to be staying at your x's home. She is a big girl and can take care of herself for the weekend. Meet her for dinner or whatever. But no pajama party at your x's house.

If it were my x bringing his girlfriend over to sleep while I was gone, I would be furious. I would be offended and my opinion of him would tank.

If you are scared of the dark and don't want to sleep alone, get a night light.

Do this like a mature man.

And, if the girlfriend objects, she can be replaced.

If the girlfriend can't deal without you for 5 days, and can't deal with you taking care of your kids in their own environment - for their good - you seriously need to question why you are dating her. Just to 'have' someone? You'd be better off without her than to deal with the increasingly controlling demands she will make in your life based on her insecurities.

I know a woman who ran her husband's $100,000 Porsche into a pole and walked away from it, just because she was unable to reach her husband on the phone, and wanted to prove her point. Think about it.

Better off, she desperately wants this relationship to work because of "several failed attempts in the past"????

Um, maybe it's just me, but if it didn't work out several times in the past, you two just may not be compatible for the long haul. No matter how much you care about each other now.

Also, if you and your ex have a good post-divorce relationship, where you can actually sit next to each other at events, I wouldn't mess that up. This kind of relationship makes everyone's life much easier, but especially the children's lives.

Just imagine how nice it will be in 15 years when you can sit with your wife next to the mother of your children and her husband at your child's wedding. And your son or daughter is relaxed and happy because they know Mom and Dad are aren't freaked out about being in the same room.

LOL, you bring back memories of my older brother frantically trying to figure out ways to do Christmas without my mother and father having to run into each other, because he was sure they would tear each other's throats out if they saw each other - totally imagined, in my brother's mind, as he later found out.

I would hold her hands and tell her that this is a very difficult situation, and that you really want her support in this. Tell her that you feel that you need to stay at that house without the X, and that beyond sleeping there you would love to know what activities/time you can all spend with her that will help her feel loved and listen to her very well. If gently telling her you need to help your kids and asking for her support brings out more jealousy and attitude, I'd say you need to be out of that relationship b/c these things will come up many times in the years to come.

I would also to the other posters that said spending weekends at her house previously was inherently "bad." My husband and I lived in different towns and we and our children had weekends together with me sleeping UPSTAIRS and him DOWNSTAIRS. I think this was not only okay, but it allowed them to see that sleeping arrangements changed after we married. : ) I think this was healthy for them to see.

Good luck!

M

I think the least upheaval to your children, the better.

I don't think it's appropriate to invite your girlfriend to stay there overnight or even come into the home without your ex wife's permission.

If your ex wife isn't going to be there, I am missing why this is an issue for your girlfriend, and if she's that insecure she might not be a good candidate as a mate for a divorced father.

Has anyone noticed that BetterOff hasn't been back since he started this thread?

I'd suggest letting it die, since he doesn't seem to care about our opinions....