The hardest thing is trying to manage my peace. Being patient. Trying to eliminate the forecasting of a future that I can't control, nor assume.

I love my wife dearly. But I can't trust her anymore. I feel like the house I live in is cluttered with information of infidelity. And depite knowing that there is no peace in anything I could find, it weighs on me every second that I'm not busy with the kids or housework.

Being a stay at home dad is difficult. Being a dad staying at this home can be torture.

Peace is difficult to come by at times.

good
first get a docs exam
then get lots of physical exercise
boxing and hitting a heavy bag is GOOD for males
keep posting here..
you are not alone
jb

Have a membership at the new rec center here. They provide child care and have a great workout area with tons of weights and nautilus gear. Packing the kids up and headed there before afternoon naps roll around.

thanks for the reply JB.

TGF, is your W still involved in an A? If not, how long has it been since it ended? Has your W actively worked on the recovery of your M (e.g. shown remorse, etc.), or does she just want to forget about it and move on, without acknowledging the hurt that she's caused you?

Have you considered changing the living arrangements, i.e. no longer being a SAHD? I think that if I was in your situation, one of the top things on my to-do list would be to reduce my financial dependence on someone that I no longer trust to look after my best interests.

I discovered her infidelity last wednesday. We had previously agreed to go to counseling prior to then. I immediately called a marriage counselor and we had our first session on Friday. Our next session is this wednesday.

After my initial discover of the other man, I told her that if she wanted to try and make our relationship work, that she would have to eliminate any and all contact with him. "It ends tomorrow" was my exact words. She assured me that she would. And in counseling, she reassured the counselor and myself that it was. Whether she's telling the truth, remains to be seen.



No. I'm giving a bit of a leash in respect to the fact that we're only been actively confronting our problems for such a short period of time. I'll be much more critical as time progresses. Whether that's the right thing to do, I don't really know. I haven't ever been in this position.



I started to consider it yesterday. It is a priority to me.

TGF,

How long was your W's affair? Was it with someone she works with? Has she offered any reasons for having the affair? Other than saying "it ends tomorrow" has she discussed her plans for ending it and staying away from OM?

I do agree with MiM, you do need to consider returning to the work force. Your children will suffer but they will suffer more if your W does not protect this marriage as she clearly has not.

I would however encourage you to read the articles here on the four rules for a good marriage, the concept of needs, AND the policies of "Joint agreement", POJA, and "radical honesty". In short if you are starting to think about going back to work, you need to discuss this with her.

I know this sounds odd given the situation, but you should do what she did not do, and that is speak up about your feelings, your concerns, and what you need and what you feel your children need.

I also hope you have read the articles here about the stages the WS goes through, withdrawal being one of them.

I look forward to hearing from you.

God Bless,

JL

The physical affair started in October. I'm unsure when the emotional affair started, although I intent to ask soon. It was with a contractor that was temporarily working in the same office. She says he's no longer working there.

She has not discussed her plans for ending it. I feel like trying to be patient and giving her the "space" and opportunity to eliminate the relationship with the OM is the right thing to do, although it's hard to gauge how much is too much. In respect, I know the solution is a marathon. I'm trying to determine when to run and when to walk along. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />




Actually, I have spoken up about my feelings and concerns. In spades. There's been a lot of sharing on my part. She's done some talking. And she's always been willing to engage me in the sense that she'll sit down whenever I've asked her to.

In conjuction with our new marriage counseling, I plan to start reading these articles and working this program. Once I have done some leg work and become familiarized with the content, I plan on sharing it with my wife. I hope that she'll see the benefit, and work it with me.

Thank you for the time you've decided to spend in my thread. I truly appreciate it.

TGF
congrats on moving as fast as you have..
stay posting here and perhaps check what your MC tells you against what the people here have experienced.it is amazing how similar the things are and the stages of recovery etc.
please do the reading as advised. things may be different than you think or as you expect. pay especial interest to how SHE may feel. WW often feel like a victim or dont feel
remorse.. so stay flexible about how she responds
this has happened to a LOT of husbands
good luck
jb

Last night I shared with a friend what was going on in my marriage . I felt like his marriage was walking the same path as ours, hopefully at an earlier stage. He agreed that it was, and we shared the similarities. I hope he takes the steps to correct the direction. A small part of me feels like evangelizing.

On to today. My wife is working from home (as she does two times a week). It's the first time that she's working from home since I found out about the OM. We had a 10 minute conversation in the bedroom and spent 5 minutes downstairs talking about the to-do's of the day. We wrapped up our conversation with a hug. It wasn't an overly loving hug. In fact I don't know how to decribe it. I think if these hugs persist, I'll have to ask her "when you hug me, what emotions are you putting into them?"

Our 2nd counseling session is today. I'm hoping for some direction for us.

My wife continues to make plans with friends outside of the home. Friends that I know and have spent time with. A lunch hour on friday, a movie on saturday. These bother me. If I see improvement or the work being done instead of apathy, I would support her time to be with friends. But because she says derogatory things (It's over, I don't know if I've ever loved you, this marriage has been dead for a lot longer than that) I feel that leaving to be with friends , should be a reward. I don't know how rational/appropriate that is.

Sadly, I know she's of the opinion that she flat out doesn't care anymore. And her actions are justifying that.

I hope that peace and strength are with me today.

TGF
hang in bro.. what does the therapist say?
are you getting any emotinal support from ANYBODY..
(friends, therpist, clergy ??)
read the stuff for the newly betrayed spouses..there is a lot of emotional stuff going on for both you and your WW..
jb

Marriage counselor is still feeling her way around the history of our relationship. Not a lot of direction from her for us as of yet.

This week was slow. Wife's asked one question in home since our last session: "Why did you marry your first wife". I answered. And even went so far as to attempt extra credit by talking about it in greater length. Prolly more than what she was wanting. Then again, I don't even know what her reason was for the question. I asked her, and was replied with a simple "I don't know".

She's making plans to visit her sister for a week at the end of next month while her mom's there as well. Needless to say, I'm skeptical if she's really going there. But if she can produce an itinerary (and I do talk with her parents, verification isn't far away) I'll be hard pressed to call shenanigans.

Frankly, I really think she is planning on visiting family. However, it's the caller id blocked call made from her cell phone last tuesday and last sunday (coincides with 3 others placed in mid-december) that gives me greater pause. Or the fact that I walked into the bedroom tonight and she immediately closed whatever she was doing on the computer.

I've been going to the gym with greater frequency. Tomorrow will be the second visit to church in as many weeks. I have a personal visit scheduled to a psychiatrist next Tuesday. I'm doing more housework and being more involved with the kids. I'm showing my wife more attention through small and relatively big gestures, even despite her continuing lack of involvement in myself or this relationship.

She doesn't trust my actions, and I don't trust her period. But from here on out, if this marriage fails, it won't be becaused I spared anything.

thanks for the encouragement jb. I'll try to update when the progress, or lack thereof, happens.

TGF
real quick.. remember men and women are very diferent in how we see things..
also Many Many small favors impress women..NOT one BIG one.. diff between men and women.. the men are from mars book has some go examples
be generous with her and yourself
how dose the therapist feel about infidelity in general..the overall atmosphere should be that an affair is dysfunctional action,,T doesnt have to be pro marriage..but she should be pro FIDELITY. Therapist needs to go gently with your ww..BUT WW needs to see her mistake and own it
all the best
jerseyboy

After spending the day with the kids, we had came home and had a decent core conversation on Saturday. I wish she was talking more to me. I tell her that she can't expect to keep blaming me for things that I'm not doing (talking to her, the way I issue complaints, intimacy) if she never discloses my improvements or my deficiencies.

Overall, my impression is this: She was miserable in our relationship enough to cheat on me. And now that all of the cards are out on the table, and I want to work to change things, she's even more miserable.

/sigh

Today is my first session with my own psychiatrist. I'm looking forward to that.

I've spent the better part of today working on updating my resume and searching local job postings. I've got one job that I feel would be an easy transition for my back into the workforce. It's been five years since I've earned a steady paycheck. To say I'm jittery about regaining the 8-5 mentality and relearning the ropes is an understatement. It feels like such an obstacle to overcome, but one that must be done. At this point, I'd really like to secure health benefits that would support the counseling. But beggars can't be choosers.

I've presented the possibility to my 4 year old that he might be attending a different school in the near future. He seemed open to it. In the sense that he didn't start crying. heh

Tomorrow is my annual physical at my doctor's office. Dimes to dollars that my blood pressure is through the roof.

I expect by the end of this week I'll be staring at a prescription to control my anxiety/stress/blood pressure. Whether it comes from my psych or doctor or both who knows.

Continuing to attend church services (sans wife and kids). Frankly, I'm in no rush that they attend. It's doing me good to be there without the harassment. Making time for the gym is in effect as well, although I haven't gone since Friday. If I can't cut time today, tomorrow will be a definite.

The wife came home yesterday with a bag full of pity tied around her neck. I offered my ear to her, which she politely thanked me, but inevitably declined.

We've attending a birthday function this weekend. The first social outing for us since Dday. Should be interesting.

T
Congrats on getting into therapy..its worth the money..
physical exercis is very good for males...outside runs are a little difernt than gym work..i'd recommend both..
WALK.. as much as you can..
patience my brother... and persesitence...
you are on the right road..
also ask for Gods help.. then LISTEN
take the time to read the healing library stuff..it will give you insights into your wife that will help YOU
ask the old timers here for specific advice about specific stuff
regards
Jb

This week has been a whirlwind for me. Lead it off with my first psych appointment on Tuesday. That went fine. Caught the doctor up on my life history and why I was in his office. Then we defined my goals for therapy, and ended my first session talking about defining forgiveness and how do I get there. Shared my experience with my wife.

Wednesday was a bit tough. I had to fast from morning till my doc appt (4:30pm) for my physical. That made me irritable beyond belief. Compounded by my wife working from home that day. I was worried that she would misconstrue it as me being upset with her.

All tests were normal. Which was surprising to me. I figured at the least I'd have high blood pressure to contend with. I think that goes to show the work that I've been doing for myself is helping manage the situation.

I informed my doctor of all the things I was having to manage in my life as of late. He was shocked and sympathetic to my situation. And by the end of our discussion, had concluded to send me home with one month's worth of an anti-depressant (Lexapro). He said he wanted to temporarily treat me for situational anxiety/stress/depression by giving me just enough to get through what appeared to be a rough month ahead. I told him that I would take the medication home, but I would talk to my psych and maybe a 2nd opinion before committing to it.

Got a call from a recruiter for a job opportunity. Ironically it's for the company I last worked with. As well, it's the same company my works for now. Pros: it's full time, no swings, and I could do it with a minimal learning curve (i.e. minimal stress). Cons: My wife works there. I didn't leave on good terms.

I need to think about it.

Today is our 3rd marriage counseling session. My wife and I have agreed to wait until then to talk about what her goal or expectations are with our relationship. She continues to talk about the future as if we'll still be together. Specifically, when we were discussing childcare to cover me going back to work, she stated "Well in 5 months (our oldest) will be attending kindergarten and this won't have to be a concern)". Unfortunately, when I offer the opportunities to talk about the work I am doing, the work she is not doing, and the defined needs she has yet to give me, I'm left confused and disconnected to her still.

Two weeks and little progress between her and I.

Still fighting the good fight as it were.

Good
just a suggestion... try a zen principle..
committ to the Reconcilition in YOUR heart..
dont make it contingent to what she isnt or is doing
YOU committ..
right now you are KEEPING SCORE.. what you do.. what she does...
STOP..keeping score justs be generous..
then see what happpens
JB

Marriage counseling went alright yesterday. Wife admitted that she has been hesitant to talk to me because she feels that any progress in learning to communicate between us would be misconstrued by me as her working on rectifying our marriage. Which is completely untrue. And I've reaffirmed that repeatedly over the last two weeks.

Chalk it up to more distrust. I hope she starts believing that I'm genuine and capable soon. Regardless, I'll continue to war forth.

Today she's leaving for lunch and a movie with her girlfriends, I'm hitting the gym and cleaning the garage before the sun goes away. Tomorrow we have our first social event since Dday (my friend's bday party). And Sunday, she has a half-marathon to run.

Busy weekend.

Waa-hoo. So I had to take the wife's car to the gym as I was letting a friend borrow mine. Her car was filthy disgusting. Months and months of kid trash. I rarely drive it.

A small grocery bag was in the passenger seat, so I grabbed it and started loading it with floating debris while I was waiting for the car to warm up. Threw it in the back of the storage area for future disposal.

Got to the gym, and thought "Meh..I'll drop the garbage here, no need to load my own can". After popping the tail window to grab the trash bag, I found another bag full of clothes.

Heels. Overcoat. Leather bikini.

Thankfully I found the crap before my workout instead of after. I was able to reap havoc on that poor stationary bike. I beat that thing like a rented mule.

Hour later I was back home. I told her that I wanted that stuff gone (not in so few words, I had plenty of explanation behind it). She became defensive and argumentative, complaining that we have so many other problems to work on, and she was tired that I continued to bring up the infidelity. I retorted that if she would care to talk about our other current problems, or our history, that I have always been available to work on that. But her silence and passiveness was only leading me to work on things as I was capable and comfortable with for myself.

more later

I guess it can only be a good fight, provided that there's somebody to spar with.

Wife and I had a blow up fight on friday night. I'll spare details, it was really more static than substance. Both of us were blowing off steam.

Saturday morning we sat at the coffee table while the kids were watching toons. Talked about how my reconciliation was going with her adultery. She replied that she didn't care how I was healing. That she didn't care for me, much less like me anymore. She's still not talking. Still unrepentant. Still no remorse. After a minute or two of utter silence between us, I simply stated "Alright. You've obviously chosen not to be with me a long time ago. I'm changing my focus of trying to save my marriage to trying to reconcile my relationship with you for the kids. I'm going to end it now then."

It was only then that she started to cry. She gave me a general apology of how this was ending. She told me that she wasn't going to be malicious with our divorce, and in turn assist me with whatever she can to get me into a job. And I know her motives. She wants me to feel appreciative now for her support, and to not incite any fires which may delay our divorce.

She knows that if this ever gets to court, I'll call shots. She's committed adultery, I've been the stay-at-home-dad for every second of both our children's lives, and I'll have a full time decent paying job by the time it would get to court. Not to mention, I found a bank account last night that she had used meagerly, direct depositing money to pay a loan, however, never pulling out the additional funds to use in our budget. There were some purchases there that could be considered as discretionary.


So, I'm taking my thread over to the divorcing/divorce forum. Sadly.