HI
I posted many times while having problems in past marriage.
My 17 year marriage ended in div about 2 years ago,and thats about the last I seen my ex in person at the Probate court. Our 2 teens have not seen her in almost 3 years.

Now my Father in law passed away this past Monday,and the wake,and funeral are this week. I am goin to attend with my 21 year old daughter,while my 17 year old son had decided not to go.

This is goin to be an awkward situation.My daughter is goin to console all her Aunts with hugs,and sorrow,but will pass right by her mother,and I will just give her a quick handshake.Is this the right thing to do? My ex OM will be next to her I am sure.

This is your ex's dad?

I would be the bigger person, shake her hand, offer condolenses and leave it at that.

I don't know your history, but that's what I'd do, especially if you had a good relationship with you ex FIL.

Don't say anything to OM. He's a non-entity.

I'm assuming you are attending the funeral out of respect for your EX FIL, IMO you need to do what YOU are comfortable with. If a handshake is ok by you then do it, if not then avoid EX and OM.

I hope that helps.

Hi Mr.Steve,

Don't know if you remember me, but I remember seeing you around here the last time I was deployed in 2004-5. I hope that you and your kids are doing well!

Why do you feel the need to go to the funeral if you know that your XW and the OM will be there? Personally, if I were divorced and hadn't seen my X for 2-3 years, I sure wouldn't want to see her with the OM.

IMHO, you don't "owe" anything to your XW and especially not to the OM. Depending on how the in-laws treated you during the A and the D, I would even have to think really hard about going to the funeral. If you and your XFIL were really close, and he treated you with respect and tried to help you end the A, then I MIGHT consider going...

Just knowing that the OM would be there would be enough to keep me away... I'd send a nice floral arrangement instead.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Yes, imho, it is the right thing to do.

It will be "awkward," but you CHOOSE to show respect and to be loving. Is there a better way to witness for God?

God bless.

YES,I was close to my fil.I actually knew him back in 1966,2 years before my ex was born,and it is a big family with 2 brothers,and 4 other sisters besides ex. They all talked with me during the aff,and div,and said it was better for me to move on,and that ex was very immature in her bad behavior.

I will go ,but my daughter may have second thoughts.I could say I am there for the 3 of us. I may just attend the wake at night,and skip the funeral the next day.

Hi MISTERSTEVE! I agree with Foreverhers. Just give her a handshake and pass on by. Give that brave DD of yours a hug for me. She has been through the fire and handled it bravely. Sorry to hear about the passing of her Grandfather. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Not many agree with me, but I believe that once you divorce someone, you effectively divorce their whole family. Personally, I just wouldn't go at all ... nothing but bad memories there, so why put yourself through it.

If you're looking to show respect to someone ... show it to your children, who apparently don't want to go either.

Take your kids out for a nice evening instead. As they say ... "dance with the one that brung you" ... your children apparently stood by you ... show them how much you appreciate it.

I have been avoiding ex family functions ,cause ex,and OM
are present,but this is for my exfil,and to show what a real man I am to pay respects to the him.

You may "divorce" their family in the sense that you are no longer their relative. But that does not erase the love you have for them (or they for you). Also, Steve has children who are NOT divorced from them, who probably also love their maternal relatives as well.

My parents, although long divorced, always attended the funerals of our grandparents in order to support us kids. My mother [along with several other X-wives <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />] even attended my dad's funeral and we greatly appreciated it.

AGREE! You are a good man, MisterSteve. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was just offering my perspective ... you know the people and circumstances better than anyone. It's just something that I wouldn't do, but I'm not you and vice versa ... we all have personality differences that cause us to react or behave differently.

I understand completely if you are using this to make a statement about how you've successfully moved on, and to show the XW and OM how irrelevant they are to you.

"I understand completely if you are using this to make a statement about how you've successfully moved on, and to show the XW and OM how irrelevant they are to you."

Is your going to make a statement to your XW? Then do not go because she will realize that your attending the funeral was to one up her and XW will not concede any moral victory to you.

How close have your children been to their GF through out their lives?

I suspect not close since the divorce because one of your children does not want to go. Your son seems to be the wisest in this manner and I would follow his lead.

Send a floral arrangement from your children to their GF if that's what they want. Then stay home.

How could you have anything to say at your wife at this time?

There is nothing that she wants to hear from you. Except it's so nice that you don't care that I had an affair, broke up our family, left you to live with the OM.

Why do you want to give XW and the OM the opportunity to gloat (whether inwardly or outwardly) at your loss of your marriage.

Next, another important reason to not go. Why go now when you never went to see your FIL when he was alive?

"I have been avoiding ex family functions ,cause ex, and OM
are present, but this is for my exfil, and to show what a real man I am to pay respects to the him."

Does a real man have to prove himself?

How does it show respect to your FIL to use his funeral to one up your XW?

I have visited my exfil with my son this past summer when he was doing better at the nursing home,and my ex in laws will be amazed that I still attended the wake. My ex won't look at it as a get even thing.This has nothing to do with her,but more so paying respects to the rest of the family.

2 angles on this to chew on.

If you don't believe in an afterlife, he's a corpse now and an empty shell and won't know one way or another if you were there.

If you DO believe in an afterlife, then he knows how you feel and is already honored that you would like to pay your respects and probably cares little if anything about you being physically present to bury the shell that contained his soul.

Sooooo, either way you don't need to attend to pay your respects.

Just some food for thought.

Steve,
Go because your DD needs your strength. Your DD should be the Focus she needs you.

AF

hey mistersteve...

hope you are and the kids are well.....

how exactly are you doing...

ARK

I am doing fine. My son is 17,and lives with me,and graduates from high school in June,and has already answered a letter from ex that he does not want her at the graduation,or she will ruin his big day.My 21 old daughter lives with college roomate,and visits me on Sundays.She has just decided a little while ago,that she will not be going to any wake,or funeral,and will not give anyone an rerason in fil family why,but they will figure its cause of the missing ex will be there.

I will go to the wake myself,and move on.

UPDATE
I attended the wake for my ex fil last night by myself,and
a quick handshake with no extra words exchanged between my ex ,and I who I have only seen in court in the last 3 years. Most of the relatives spoke with me,and had some good conversation,but the oldest sister who happens to be the only one I don't talk to said my kids should have been their,and that they will regret not going the rest of their life. I totally disagree,cause they have Never been to any wake,or funeral including both my parents who they remember,and loved dearly. My kids will remember their grandfather with good times while he was alive,and not think twice about the wake.
My son told me to tell them that the wake was not the place for him to see all his relatives for the first time in 3 years.They don't want any contac of any kind with thier mother who abandoned them 3 years ago for OM.

Now as I stated in a previous post,my kids are both grauduating from high school ,and college in June,but they dont want their my ex to attend to ruin their special day,but the oldest sister all of a sudden wants to be invited which is ok,but seems strange,caus of no contac for 3 years,and no words spoken. When I told my son who is very smart,he suggested that the Aunt will say her husband could not make it,so she is goin to go with someone else who would probably be her sister ,my ex.She is trying to get the ex to see her kids ,so she can remove some of the guilt inside her. I think I will make a trip with my kids to Aunt's home,and let her know DO NOT bring ex to graduations to cause more harm then she already has done.