I thought I would offer a little note, in hopes that someone here finds it helpful as a vision of how recovery can progress.

Wow I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote.

To save you some reading: I'd been a poor husband in several respects, and it may not be surprising that my wife had an affair. It lasted just a few months, and between my neglect and her A our marriage was nearly wrecked. We missed D by an inch. What saved us was the grace of God as embodied by our family and friends, including several unbelievably gracious and caring correspondents here.

The A ended more than 2 years ago, with our marriage in a shambles. Since then we have both worked hard at being better spouses, and our relationship has improved steadily.

Here is the main thing I want to say today. Right now our relationship is better than anytime since we were newlyweds. I wish this for your recoveries as well.

I find it startling that time and care and God's help have (mostly) healed our wounds. The good people here said that would probably happen. I was skeptical about that, but they were right.

Here's a bold statement. I hope that your own marriages evolve to where you can also say this: at some time in the last year we put the A behind us. I can hardly believe that's really happened. Not completely of course. But for the most part.

I still think of it often - a few times a week. But I don't dwell on it or let it drive me like it once did. I know that my wife loves me and is as deeply committed as I am to a lifetime of marriage. She is more loving and supportive than probably anytime since we were newlyweds. Not all sweetness of course - she's not built that way - but still, the change in her heart is unmistakeable.

I believe she would say the same about me. I work hard at being the warmest, most loving husband possible to her. I fail a lot, but I work hard at it. My goal: for her to know in her deepest heart that I love her and am completely committed to caring for her the way that God intended for her to be cared for. I want her to look back at our M and know that she was loved.

I am compelled to say that because of the loving people here I came to perceive God's love. I am still floored by that realization. Church continues to play a large part in our lives.

If my wife were agreeable, I would want to go public and share our experiences - starting with my poor treatment of her and neglect of her and continuing through her A and our recovery. I would do that to help others realize that God's love and kind people like those here will work miracles in their lives. I don't expect her to agree to that. Both she and I try to find other ways to help people.

I've taken my sig line off - it doesn't really describe our relationship now. That was some time ago in a different marriage than the one we're in now.

I guess I should close with this: love your spouse the way that God intended. Your spouse will respond, and your lives will be blessed.

Congratulations weneedhelp!

An inspiring message indeed. I will try to find your thread some time unless you can post a link? I like success stories. It reminds me that the c*** I'm going through may have a positive outcome even though it doesn't seem as though it could be possible from where I am right now.

I agree with Principled.

This is awesome....

Wowsers! Now that's an ID I recognize and remember. That's a guy who owned up to his shortcomings, swallowed his pride and went to work HARD with MB guidelines! And looky there, where he is today! wnh... thanks again for a thoughtful update. I'm thrilled to hear how all your hard work has paid off. You are most deserving.

Yeah, I still hang around and post a little here and there, and I can't tell you how thrilling it is to see someone reappear after some time, and give an update as exciting as yours! It's just so neat to see success come to those who do the work, and understand the MB guidelines, and apply them in all aspects of their lives.

May this be just a taste of how good life can be, and may your life only get better. As always...

Best wishes,
sd

So glad you checked in! The newbies need success stories. Do you mind giving a quick rundown of your story, and whether or not you exposed, if you did a good Plan A, and did you need to go to Plan B?

{{{{{WNH!}}}}}

So great to see you again...you forgot to mention how much you gave back along the way...many lives were touched by your posts, including mine.

There's a poster here, Ace_in_bucket, who has a link in her sigline for "Success Stories"...she's accumulating the links...would you link this one to that one or copy it there?

I have your link to your thread, btw, if you don't. I've kept it. You matter.

And I have no doubt every day you bring realization of God's love to everyone you meet. You shine. So good to see you again.

LA

This is great success story!! There are many here who will be very uplifted by this news. Although I have not been here very long, our story was similar and we were on the edge of D also, until I came here and started posting. The people and the teachings here are truly wonderful, and they were instrumental in getting us over the mountain of pain I had created in our M. Now we are well on our way to (as you said) what promises to be a better M than we have ever had, or thought possible.

Congratulations and God Bless you and your family!!

It's so great to see your notes. Thanks for your thoughts. Particularly great to see SD, LA and believer again. I've missed you and I think of you warmly and often.

For balance and for the sake of reality: for me to say that our M is better than anytime since we are newlyweds is a really terrific thing. But that shouldn't be interpreted as a marriage that's anywhere close to perfect. I don't have the answers, but it seems to me that it wouldn't be realistic to expect perfection in marriage.

Like others, we have stresses and strains. We chafe fairly often, and sometimes disagree. Hard feelings too, occasionally. But it's different now than it was before - now we understand how truly vital it is to care for and protect our spouse, particularly in times of stress and disagreement.

I try to go 90% of the way to close our differences. My wife would probably say that she goes 90% of the way. Such is marriage.....

Can I tell you about the devil currently on my shoulder? I don't think it's serious.. BUT - these little beasts can be troublesome and must be dealt with. As I go through each day working very hard at being a giving husband, I sometimes feel like floormat. As though our M really is all about her, and I'm a bit player, even something of a kept husband. My devil tells me: "does she really care about me, or does she just tolerate me so long as I stay in line and fill her needs?"

My challenge is to face up to that and discuss with her in an adult and caring fashion. She gets so resentful so quickly that it's easier to just swallow it....

Anyway. Back to balance. It's 100% hard work. The results are (for me) 70% good, 10% great and 20% bad. I guess that's pretty good overall. Would like it to be better, and am working hard, but I don't really expect our long-run average score to be much higher than that. Works for me, and for her I think.

Again I'll say that all that stuff I just wrote isn't about her A. As I said we really have (mostly) put that behind us (ok maybe I'll admit just a little lingering resentment). But really it's a normal state of our marrage at this stage in our lives; with little or no effects of the A.

Thanks again to all for everything you've done for my wife, kids and myself. I love you guys for that.

wnh... there's a lot of us who feel the same way, and many of us have been recovering longer than you.

Bob Pure started a thread over in the Recovery forum (click this link... http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3366451

which covers a lot of the same thoughts you are having. It may help you gain some perspective if you choose to read it.

I can tell you that all the thoughts you have will continue to lessen with time, as the affair fades ever so slowly, but never goes completely away. I'm sure that's to keep us "former betrayed's" from slipping back into some of our own actions that allowed the marriages to become vulnerable. At least that applies in my case.

Pop in every so often and give us an update.

One other suggestion... consider changing the name of the thread to "update on success of recovery" or something like that, because many of the new arrivals like to see that others have had success with the MB philosophy. It gives them hope.

Good to see you again!!!

Thanks SD. I remember Bob's thread. If I'm not mistaken there is a concept there of the crystal glass that once broken can never be completely repaired.

I understand the concept. For us it's not quite on target. Our M certainly was never a disposable paper cup from McDonalds, but not quite ever a crystal goblet either. Not perfect now or ever - but pretty good. This is not meant to be taken as a universal truth, so speaking only for ourseves, I don't think any irreparable harm has been done to our M. At this point it's as good as ever. Better than ever in some ways, worse in others, but overall as good as ever, and still imperfect. I guess that describes the human condition....

Thanks for everything SD and God Bless you and yours.