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Thought this might be helpful. Sometimes posts (whose 'styles' we don't control) stray off topic. Deliberately? Maybe or maybe not still it strays and we may lose focus. Below is the link to the General Welcome thread as posted on the EN site: Welcome to MB I will post the welcome here but click on the link and take a look at the responses. [color:"blue"] Welcome to all new Builders of marriages... newBies...
The people here represent men and women trying to improve their marriages. Many have just begun, others are vetrans of many years. All struggle with the challenges of marital love; although others have fallen into deceit and betrayal. When infidelity enters the relationship, we have here both betrayed(faithful) spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP), and all filled with pain.
All of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB). Initially the acronyms/abbreviations are overwhelming... check out a summary of them HERE.
There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the Marriage Builder's Home Page.
If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts.
Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a sound understanding of Plan A and Plan B is crucial! For most everyone... Plan A... is an excellent starting point!
You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... a better alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out): Love Busters, Love Bank, Emotional Needs, Giver and Taker, The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA).
You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too!
The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the Articles and Infidelity Q&A.
The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the MB Bookstore... of most important for those marriages involving infidelity, or soon to be, is "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. This is the 'bible' for this forum.
Other books can be very useful as well... like "His Needs, Her Needs", "Love Busters", and "Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility".
There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-MB book recommendations... Books.
Most of all... you will find compassion and love here. As an open forum there will always be some who come here not to help, but with other agendas; however, the vast majority of "members" do not judge... are not demeaning... and have no malice of heart! There are many who are here to simply help... and this includes not just for those betrayed... but the wayards as well!
The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.
We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.
Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, deep depression, and on and on... Again, these are felt not just by those betrayed... but in time by the waywards too. Even when no infidelity is involved, similar feelings in marriages gone astray have overwhelmed so many.
Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without support. That's where
we come in! We care... because we know how it feels. Believe it... You are not alone!
Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!
You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... you are not alone!
There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately. The Harley's make no guarantees either... but offer the hope of self-improvement, self-healing and a refocusing of one's self to build esteem... and to live a life of satisfication again!
We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity.
Post... Post... Post... Reply...
Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!
I've been speaking on behalf of some very dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used "we"!
But... if you're here... join with them... they will join with you. We do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice based on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours...
and ask... ask... ask!
To help us understand your situation a bit better, and for you to get more responses, it is recommended that you provide a "story" of yourself.
Consider putting your profiles as a standard reply to the ===> Profiles post. Information similar to that is also found in the ===> Roll Call post would also be appreciated. An historic listing can be found at (history) of Roll Call.
When you get to know the personalities here a bit... there is a summary post listing the names alphabetically ===> Roll Call Index
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There are several 'infidelity' forums to meet the needs of many and allow you to do some more specific posting...
Just found out......for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.
Plan A/Plan B...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"
In recovery...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.
General Questions II... the most used forum... very active!... very supportive!
There are many other forums... all of which can be reached from the home forum site.
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Weekends and holidays tend to be slow...
...sometimes, very slow...
Be patient with responses then...
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Once you've found you way around the MB sites... you may want to check out a collection of ===> Notable Posts/Threads written by forum members.
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Where two or more are gathered...
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*** Originally authored by NSR *** [/color] *******edit********** I share this because this is a prime example of times when may lose focus. *********edit********* Healthy reminders can help us remember why we are here. Many of came here looking for hope or a way to cope with the horror of an A, A's or just to improve an R in our M. Maybe it was just to learn. Reasons vary. Posts will vary but respect should be a consistent factor. *edit********Those posters make some diverse yet interesting comments about how MB helped them. MB support and help comes from the tools @ MB (books, questionnaire, radio shows, phone counseling sessions, concepts section and yes even these boards). Did you note that while 'straight talk' helped those that posted in the above thread, it was the tone it was given in that came across. Straight talk with care. That's a good combination. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> There have been many good discussion threads started and locked. Re: Not because the original subject matter which started the threads were wrong or harmful but the direction is took away from the original subject. Is this good for those coming here to help? You decide. Then post as you see fit. Because as one 'long time poster once wrote: "My point is that while people CAN CHANGE, you do not have the power to change anyone against their will." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Yet isn't it worth the effort to try if it helps someone move forward from being in pain to being recovered? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Request: Please keep your responses on this thread respectful. POVs are welcomed but insults and sarcastic innuendos are not. Mahalo, L.
Last edited by JustUss; 01/19/08 11:35 AM.
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this just seems like another "bring up the negative" thread. I hope I am wrong.
I fail to see the point that Orchid is making here by dredging up some of this stuff. I think a newly betrayed spouse showing up here has better things to do than to worry about how threads go off topic and all the crapp that follows.
How about just a link to the Welcome...a few kind words and leave it at that??? This to me seems like more of the that which has fueled the problems here of late.
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Post deleted by MelodyLane
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Post deleted by MelodyLane
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Post deleted by Pepperband
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BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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Pep:
Post removed, as I was responding 2 a deleted comment by Pep.
-ol' 2long
P.S. "tough love" is an oxymoron
Last edited by 2long; 01/19/08 11:47 AM.
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Post deleted by Pepperband
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Pep:
Post removed, because I responded 2 a removed post.
-ol' 2long
Last edited by 2long; 01/19/08 11:49 AM.
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Post deleted by MelodyLane
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It's much better with the link removed.
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hm... I think I'm going 2 start my very own "post deleted" thread! We can compare post deletion styles! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> -ol' 2long
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I am a much quicker post deleter than you, 2Long! course, I am from TEXAS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Post deleted by Heartpain Well...not really...just wanted to feel like one of the "gang". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"If you put away those who report accurately, you'll keep only those who know what you want to hear. I can think of nothing more poisonous than to rot in the stink of your own reflections." (The Lady Jessica to her daughter Alia, in Frank Herbert's Children of Dune)
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Post not posted by 2long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
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Dang 2long, I was just about to NOT post the same post.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Would it bother anyone if I don't post the one I intended to delete?
J
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Well at least this thread isn't locked yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> For those who responded and didn't get edited or deleted, thank you for your posts. It is interesting that at least 7 out of 18 responses had their original comments removed. Hm...... Moving forward. Just a point of clarification for those who didn't understand why both links were posted. I found the EN welcome link while I was reading the 2x4 link. Posting them together seemed the right thing to do and it covered 2 things that have been on my mind for a while now. As you can see by the thread title, this was a 'reminder' thread with some additional thoughts. The thoughts that came from the other 'locked' link are gone but what it all represented is still fresh in the minds of those who post here. My point is when I read that 'locked' thread, it helped me find a good POV (the link to the EN welcome thread). I am grateful for the opportunity to share a healthy reminder. That is original and current purpose of why this was posted. Please don't take it out of context. Your reading and respectful responses are appreciated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Have a nice day! L.
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