Pepperband, you are so right about that name! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I am so inept at these forums, I thought that I was naming my thread when in fact I was giving myself a screen name! I will go and try to correct that blunder right now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lunamare, when I read what some of you are dealing with, I feel that I should count my blessings and just move on. I wish I didn't feel so depleted!

I guess I need H to make major deposits into the Love Bank, and I need to make some too to get the process started!

Is this something new, just since the most recent D-day, or has he always been like that?

He's always been like that, but perhaps it's even more pronounced now.

I like the new name.....

You are in my prayers.. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I keep reading and wishing you the best. I'm very sorry you are going through this.

It may not bring much comfort today, but it's so true. You are a survivor and will survive this and there are so many on here that are pulling for you.

The response to the video is cause he's still FOGGY...

Will take a year or so to get fully rid of the fog..

My H had an affair lasting 2 years and soon after D-DAY said that SURVIVING AN AFFAIR didn't apply to him!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Have you considered drafting a postnuptial agreement?

He's signed over the house, lake house, half the cash and stocks, over half the retirement investments, my having control of our practice, and $5000 per month alimony, his paying health insurance and 2/23 college and living expenses for son.... also, the provision that if reconciliation doesn't work this stands.

The man's a lover not a fighter.... a true romantic as described in the relationship books.

Sounds like my H. He did all that kinda stuff..

Found this BEAUTIFUL HOUSE...

Where is that HANDBOOK that they are reading from..this is AMAZING...

That explains his response to the video..

A big deal with my H early on in recovery was not to feel "BEAT UP" by me...

Recovery is the hardest thing that I have EVER done...

Mimi....how did you handle that? I will occassionally try to talk to my H when I am having a trigger and I know I have beat him up for it in the past. But, I have been trying to only discuss my pain and I THINK he stills feels beat up? I need him to lovingly comfort me and reassure me when this happens but it never turns out this way. He either gets defensive, or he is just "at a loss for words" or it is always turned around to where we are discussing HIS pain.

8YR: He's happy when I am happy and overwhelmed with guilt when I'm sad or angry.... then he avoids talking if he can but will talk if I insist. It seems his mood mirrors mine...

SC: Is this something new, just since the most recent D-day, or has he always been like that?

8YR: He's always been like that, but perhaps it's even more pronounced now.

SC: I'm not sure I can articulate what I'm thinking very well, but between him mirroring your mood and his on/off switch that you described... something seems very out-of-whack about the way he relates to people and manages his emotions. Shallow? Needy? Co-dependent? I don't know what label to put on it. But there's something very off-kilter there, IMO.

And I'm thinking that if you guys are ever going to truly recover, he's going to have to dig a little deeper than just following the rules and protecting his weakness. I agree with the previous poster who said some IC is in order so he can figure out what makes him tick and replace the broken dials.

JMO,

--SC

I am curious about why JustKeep mentionned a postnup....
Mimi, I wonder what else our stories have in common....
For all you vets out there: I am trying to get WH to come online and talk to some of you. He's very intimidated but has often lamented that he has no one to talk to about this except our marriage counsellor who seemed to be making things worse, had no plan, and seemed to be planning to keep WH in counselling forever without requiring him to do anything except in her office 1 hour per week (just fine with him to limit work to 1 hr. per week I suppose but no helping at home you know...)
I will probably start a new thread with a reference to this one if he does agree to come on Wed. or Th. night. I think it would do him good and I don't think folks would beat up on him. However, I don't think he'd say the snarly things online that he says to me either!

I hope you are taking good care of yourself. This pain/shock can take a toll on one's health.

As for your H posting on this board ... only of he wants to. It needs to be his decision. It sounds like you might be guiding him what to do. Am I right?

If he does post, ask for help from LousyGolfer. He's a man who has been in marriage recovery for awhile from his own long term A.

He's reading Dr. Harley's articles on his own, but hasn't posted. We'll see whether he does or not. I won't press the issue, but he keeps talking about not having someone to talk to who supports what he has done in recovery b/c everyone is so shocked by what he did. There are lots of supportive folks; they just have no idea what to say to him. That would be different here if he'd just jump in.

The postnup I feel is extreme. But all considered, in your case I felt warranted, not asking too much.

A "put your money where your mouth is" so to speak. But he's done that already.

Can you think of anything other than finacial terms that would help you gain piece of mind?

-JKT

8 Yrs:

I can't really offer any advise but did want you to know that you are not the only one that this has happened to. My WW got back in contact with the OM about 9 years after their original affair and is still actively involved with the OM. I understand what you are going thru and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

HurtinOhio,

I'm sorry that you would have gone through this kind of pain as well. I can't even begin to imagine. I don't know your story and wonder what your sitch is and how you are handling it?

Well, 'supportive' is very subjective.

We will support the marriage.
We will call him on his residual wayward thinking/behaviors.

He's full of self pity right now.

"Woe is me. No one understands what I'm going through."

If the marriage is going to recover, he'll have to stop thinking about himself so much.

Stay busy making sure you are OK. Let him suffer as much as he chooses to. He seems to be enjoying it right <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> now

It's self indulgent - just as much as the affair was.

Recovery of a GOOD marriage- requires implementing a PLAN

Harley's have a proven plan -

and whether or not anyone OUTSIDE the marriage supports H's 'feelings' is irrelevant to recovery

right now, your husband is grieving his loss - OW

If he has ANY contact with OW whatsoever - he resets the NC clock back to zero

ANY contact includes peeking at her photo, listening to her voice, reading old text messages or emails or letters, visual sightings (accidental or intentional) .... ANY reminder will flood his brain with chemical reminders of OW - and he will be grumpy, weepy, angry, aloof, sad , you name it

If his "woe is me" stance continues much longer - there is a high chance there is SOME contact somewhere

he may be keeping a small 'reminder of our time together' - some token on his desk, something he is hanging onto to that reminds him of OW

Where is the contact? It's there somewhere.