I am going to try to keep this as short as possible but hope that I can get some insight on what I can do.

My husband and I have been together for almost 12 yrs. We began dating when we were about 18. I vowed I would never get married because of the divorces we have had in my family but after 6 yrs we decided to take off and elope and made that overnight decision with only 1 friend attending.

In our 12 yrs together we have overcome the loss of our daughter, whom was stillborn during delivery. We have 2 other children that are under age 7 and both girls. We have definately had our problems throughout the years. Everything from addictions (him:computers and games, and me: shopping and pack rat). He works full time, I work parttime-fulltime and mostly take care of the children becuase of his schedule. He works late afternoon to midnight. Recently he told me he was thinking of divorce but we would see how things went. 1 1/2 weeks later he demands a divorce. Tells me it is nothing I have done or not done but that he doesn't want the children to get older and us divorce then and them hate him. I have done everything I can to let him know how much I love him and that we can work through this by talking about it together and being open. Today he pulled up the divorce paperwork and started to fill it out and came to me and told me the agreement on child support and our property. He also has been looking up apartments and housing by where he works.

This after me crying for a while alone in my room. He came to me with the information and how much it would cost to divorce. I explained to him I don't want a divorce and that I know we can work this out and can we try counsling, etc...... He said in a loud tone that he did not want to wait 1 yr or 6 months and have to do it anyway or when the kids were 10 and then they hate him.

What can I do. I love him with all my heart and would do anything for us to try to see if our marriage can be saved.

Please help....... I don't want to get a divorce but don't know how I can stop it either.

Please don't agree to anything right now, especially just because he is getting loud about it. Tell him you will NOT make a decision under these circumstances. Such a life-altering decision will not be made in even a few weeks.

Then, start reading everything you can here. Honestly analyze your marriage, and your part in anything that may have gone wrong. Many marriages have been saved by adhering to the values and rules here. I know that many people tell the spouse who wants out that they will not agree to anything - until that spouse has made a good-faith effort at restoring the marriage, using the tools you can both learn here. They are very sound.

Also, do not get emotional. Do not say anything while you are emotional. If you have to, remove yourself from the room for 20 minutes, and come back to discuss it later. He cannot divorce without your participation, as far as I know. So stand firm.

Finally, the big red flag. Nearly everyone here will tell you to consider the possibility that he has found greener pastures. He is making all the moves of a Wayward spouse - meaning he's already or is considering having an affair - even if it's just an emotional affair (no real sex involved). You are entitled as his spouse to 'snoop' to find out if he indeed is having an affair. And before you say, "oh no, he couldn't be," please know that almost everyone who comes here and finds out there IS an affair said those exact same words.

Start reading, and don't agree to anything!

If he can't give you reasons why he wants to get a divorce, there is probably someone else in the wings.

He can start proceedings for a divorce without your agreement, but it takes longer, and you need to buy time.

Do NOT agree to anything at all without the advice of the best attorney you can find. Tomorrow, Monday, you need to find an attorney who is tough and ready to help you fight for your marriage. They're out there. You need information and someone who is not emotionally involved looking out for you and your children.

I'd ask your husband why the children should hate him in 4 years if he decides to divorce. At that point he could say he'd tried marriage counseling of all types, and different plans, etc. If after all kinds of work, he still wants a divorce, he can tell the girls he tried everything he could, but he couldn't remain married to their mother.

Do not under any circumstances move out of the house without prior advice from your attorney. If he leaves, it can be seen as abanndonment of property and family.

Do not agree to any temporary child visitation if he does move out. Also, do not agree to any temporary support.

I'm really concerned that this guy thinks he's got all the monetary stuff figured out. This sounds sneaky.

Okay, that's my advice for protecting your financial future... with him or worse case, without him. Find a lawyer tomorrow.

Now, you also need to snoop. I do suspect there's someone else, maybe someone who is "just a friend." Look around. If there is someone else, you need to expose the affair to his family and friends, your pastor or spiritual leader, your family, etc. An affair does not mean the marriage is over. It means the Wayward Spouse probably isn't thinking really clearly. WS's often live in fantasy land. Sharing the truth about why he wants a divorce brings peer pressure to bear. Families don't like infidelity. They don't like divorce.

Also read the entire Basic Concepts. They work.

My WW worked in corrections. It left me with a very poor impression of the people in that field; usually I try to avoid stereotyping a profession, but .... There were all kinds of liasons going on among the staff, regardless of anybody's marital status. This was true at multiple sites. One of WW's lovers was a co-worker. The late shifts didn't help.

I think worrying about his 30th B-day is sweet, but perhaps misplaced here. It sounds a lot like an A is going on, but you don't seem to have 'proof' yet. Placating him probably isn't going to win him back if an A is going on. The best gift would be a chance to come clean, end the A, and work on the M.

- WG

See if you can get a copy of his cell phone bill. Don't be surprised if there are around 300 calls to the same number. I'm certain there is an affair. Probably someone at work. Do some snooping.

citigirl79, your husband's comments sounded incredibly similar to ones my husband (who I'm still married to) has said to me on many occasions. He became convinced that I might leave him someday, so he was going to leave me first. But, he never did, so just because he says he wants a divorce doesn't mean that's what he really wants. Some people say it out of frustration or confusion (or jealousy in some cases.)

If he really wants a divorce, he can get one without your permission, so there's no need for you to go along with his self-destructive plans. I think when a spouse actively tries to get the other spouse to cooperate in planning a divorce, it's a sure sign that deep down, they don't really want a divorce.

OK...UPDATE

After trying to have discussions with him many many times that did not work, he rented a movie I think was called Reign over me. Newer movie. Well I caught him crying during the movie. We really have not had any of the divorce stuff come up since then. I think that was over the weekend.

Now to go back a little. I believed he was going to file for divorce because he was forever on the computer and actually did [rint out all the documents needed for divorce and started filling them out.

Ok anyway now to today, We had a pretty pleasant day until tonight. I was looking for some tweezers and in his toiletry bag he uses for work and working out I found 3 condoms. OMG!!!! We have been together for over 10 yrs and we don't use them. When I asked him about them he said they had been there for a while, I know he started using that bag at christmas. 1 month ago. He then said he has never cheated on me, when I asked why he had them he answered I don't know, can't tell you why I have just had them but I have never cheated on you. Of course I was upset then. Rolled over in the bed. Now about 3 am in the morning we were watching tv as usual because of his work shift and I asked him again why he would have them. He replied to me and in his reply he did tell me he has never cheated on me but thought he would have them in case he wanted to go out and anything happened.

I have been crying all night long. My heart believes him when he says he has not cheated but could he? would he? If he has or does how can I save my marriage? How could someone move past infidelity? Just the thought of him with someone else breaks my heart into a million pieces.

So sorry to hear that you're going through these issues in your M. It's difficult to believe that he has condoms for just in case - even if that's the truth, he's looking for a chance to sleep with someone else. I thought there was no way my WH would ever have an affair, but I was wrong. Check out his cell phone records and see if there are excessive calls to one or two numbers. Check out this thread on ways to find out what's going on with your H:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=1#Post2921026

This is not going to be easy, but you need to know the truth. You can't deal with the issues in your M until you know exactly what's going on.

People can and do recover from infidelity. Read the material on the sight about surviving affairs. There's also a book written by Dr. Harley called "Surviving an Affair" that is very helpful.

You will be okay. Better days are ahead.

Oh, Citigirl, I'm so sorry.

You need to snoop around. Look around in his car, if you all don't share one. Go through his pockets and through his cell phone.

Also check the history on the computer. Look in temporary files and at the cookies to see where he's been.

If there is someone else, or a series of one-night stands, your marriage still can be saved. The truth will set you free. Free to work on the problem. Life in the dark robs you of the ability to make informed decisions and to address the real issues. It's crazy making.

citigirl79, sorry to hear that. I tend to think that even if those are "just in case" condoms that he would only think of getting them if he had someone specific in mind. He may have been hitting on someone at work but she never responded to him in that way or something like that. But of course faithfulness that comes from mere lack of opportunity is not faithfulness at all.

Sigh. Trust me, he has been cheating. If he was just hoping to get lucky someplace, they'd be in a pocket or car, not a toiletries bag.

(Aside: WSs lie. My WW told me it was just a kiss. And OM had a wife and 3 kids and would never cheat. All 100% fiction. It took me a while to learn to read her lies. For example, after the A was admitted, I asked if they practiced safe sex. She said "With my medical background don't you think I'd do that." Later she admitted they did not. But my point here is that she avoided directly answering my question; evasion is suggestive of dishonesty. I was so blindly trusting...)

At least he reduced the chance of a pregnancy or giving you a disease. Besides finding more 'proof', you should get yourself tested for STDs (don't be embarrassed, you didn't do anything wrong and its for your health). And if you plan to continue SF with him, you should insist he be tested and take precautions.

Even if you believe he has not already cheated, it doesn't matter. He was making plans; its hardly better.

- WG

Ok....

Researched phone records.....
Found a few numbers that have come up quite a few times in the past couple of months. Searched white pages.com and the websites on the above links and only found names for 2 of them. Guy friends from his work. The other numbers say cellphone and 1 unpublished number. I really don't want to pay for a service can anyone help me I want to find out whom these numbers belong to.

Call the numbers. If a woman answers tell her the truth. You are "insert name"'s wife and was just wondering who this number belonged to because you didn't reconize it as being a friend/family member/co-worker's phone number. What's the worst thats going to happen? He finds out you called the number? so what?

Good luck!
Ronda

I talked with him last night......Told him I actually want to know the truth about what is going on and to be honest with me. He told me that he has not been sexual with anyone. That he has not cheated on me with anyone. We had a discussion about what cheating is and I told him that anything done physical, sexual, or emotional is cheating. He said talking with someone he did not feel was cheating. He said he has rules. I asked him what he meant. He came out and said that he is trying to deal with some issues in his head. After a long discussion and again me crying because I don't understand what to do now. How to save my marriage and such.

I asked him if he has fallen out of love with me. He said it is not that simple. I got from our proceeding conversation that since we have been together for so long he doesn't know whether he is unhappy because of not loving me anymore (even though he thinks he does) or if it because he is just messed up. He mentioned that if he was just say out with someone (I call it a date) and he still thinks about me then the love is there and he knows he could work on things, but if he enjoys himself and does not think about me, then he knows that it is time to seperate. I then asked him when he plans on going out with this person, he said there is no timetable on what is being done. I had to end the conversation because of the way I was feeling and did not want to be severly depressed so I changed the subject.

What do I do now. I feel like he is trying to see if it is greener on the other side. Won't tell me how old she is or who she is. Says there is no need to.

I don't want to be worrying everyday if today my husband is going to go on a date with someone else, or if today he is going to end our marriage for good.

Am I crazy? This is wrong, Right? What should I exspect from him now? WHAT DO I DO?

Condoms mean he's doing someone else. At the very least, they say he plans on doing it. I'm a guy, I know how we think. We do NOT buy condoms "just in case." Condoms do come in three's (or more) so there is a chance he hasn't done it yet.

He is lying. L-Y-I-N-G. Sorry to be so blunt, but you need, and deserve, to know the truth.

As for that garbage of how he feels when he is with someone else, he just told you he has been dating other girls. His words say if, the comment alone says it has already happened.

Sorry you have to go through this.

As to what you do - cry as long as you need to. Then, compose yourself, and tell him how you see a marriage - between two people, not another. Marriage partners do not date others. If he agrees with you, then it's time to work on that marriage. However, if he chooses to date another, no matter who she is (it really doesn't matter, even though you proabaly want to know, so would I) then you choose to not be with that.

This will be very hard, but you cannot support his actions and come out of this unhurt. Your option is to sit at home while he goes out on dates. Is that what you want? That isn't going to solve anything.

Let me first thank all of you for your help. I really am glad that I can have not one but several responses from outside sources.

on that note......

I have to tell you that I spoke with someone today whom knows a little more about this girl he has been talking with. See they work at a prison. Well I guess this girl is a sergent or something and my husband told one of his friends whom told his wife that my husband had a serious crush on someone at work. They don't know of anything happening but he did hang out with her at a party they had after work. Something called a shift party. I think this was at christmas. Anyway she said that she could not remember if she was told they kissed or not but that he did hang out with her. She said her husband told her that my husband talks to this girl on the walkie talkie while at work and talks to her before and after his shift.

Ok, now he told me he had this relationship I guess you would call it and that he was wanting to see if he went out with her if he would think of me or not. Anyway

Ok now that I know he has this crush on someone and not that it is just a girl whom he wants to test waters with or whatever. What should I think about this?

Is there a reason why I should let him continue to do this without saying anything? How do I avoid anything happening between them?

I know we have been together for so long and was each other first but did not think that something like this would ever happen.

How should I handle this now? I don't want to tell him that his friends wife even called and talked with me but need some insight on why he is doing this and how to handle it. I feel like if I don't get help with handling this I could end up locked away for mental breakdown. I don't want that to happen. I love my husband and am 100% sure that we could work through this if he is totally truthful and honest with me and that nothing has happened and that it ends of course.

What do you think? Am I crazy or just still in love with my husband and want it to work?

I'm willing to bet fraternization with other employees will get him fired.

You need to get ahold of their policy manual.

HUGS, Citigirl.

I know you are in lots of pain. Do you have a name for this young woman?

Off the top of my head, I can see three ways to approach this.

First, is do nothing. This is a doomed path. Maybe you'll lose your cool. Or maybe you hold on through it, but nothing gets resolved and you're in the same place in another 5 years.

Second, you can take the MB approach to affairs. That means you expose the affair to all concerned parties: your families, her husband if OW's married, their boss, your church. The light of day causes the fantasy aspect of affairs to evaporate. People get hurt. Friends are disappointed in you. There are serious ramifications at work if it's a subordinate and manager. If possible, you get your husband to send a letter of No contact to the OW. Then, you meet his emotional needs and avoid LB's and go to MC if he's willing.

The other approach that could be a fall back if he refuses to the end contact with this young woman, is the Controlled Separation. You can use this to maintain some sort of control over the relationship if he's determined to separate. There's a book written about it. Basically, you two negoatiate all aspects of the separation BEFORE you separate. This includes counseling, the legnth of the separation, and dating--each other and others outside the marriage. The advanatge of this is you have an agreement, you have to work together to develop the separation contract, and you'll have some sort of contact with him. The danger is separations can become permanent, and it's easier to meet a spouse's needs if they are living with you.

Update:

I received a call from this girl. She told me everything....It was more like she was trying to show me how much my husband likes her more or something. I approached him and all cards are on the table:

He has done things with her. Not intercourse. But the only reason is because he could not perform. I told him that meant he had his answer he was looking for. Anway after my friend gave me a zanax I think is what it is called I was able to actually sit down with him and talk without getting over emotional. This breaks my heart. I am so numb. This happened the night before last. Yesturday we as a family kids and all spent the day together. We had a great day. We ended the night with him wanting to cuddle in the bed and just that.

I want to work on my marriage and yes I am really upset that anything happened at all, but I am taking it better then I thought, Can our marriage move passed what has happened? Whether they had actual intercourse or not he still cheated on me.

I love him, and I think I am crazy becuase I still love him just as much as before I knew but my heart is hurt,

What is the best way to handle this now?