I'm dating someone and we are both divorced. It is a good relationship but I have a question because I don't know if my prior baggage is creating this (an ex w h) or if I am correct w/ what I am feeling. The man I am involved w/ has custody of his children (as do I) so time is very tight between the kids, and work schedules. My BF (and his kids) were invited somewhere where his ex girlfriend is also invited. They haave maintained a friendship. He mentioned this to me, without inviting me along. He felt this would be awkward for all of us. She is participating in this event. He then invited me to come and said he feels awkward about being in the situation but will ahve to learn to deal with it. I do not want to attend because my feelings have been hurt and I do not want to go where I'm not truly wanted. This makes me want to bolt and step back from him. He thinks it is really not a big deal, that he is honest about not wanting anything w/ the ex girlfriend and i do believe that. It is more about being considerate of me, since I am the one who he is currently involved with.

He has always been very honest (even when it was hard) so I have no reason to mistrust the involvement w/ the ex girlfriend. She is troubled, and he occasionally helps her if it is possible. I acutally think that is a good quality of his. objective thoughts would be appreciated!

Ok.....here is my take. Yes, your B/F is being honest which is commendable.....but!!! OK here is the big but!!! I firmly believe when someone breaks up with a person and begins to see another person seriously.....they need to break contact with the former person. I have been in this situation before with my current wife. When we first started dating, an Ex b/f of hers wanted her to be on his softball team.....I was uncomfortable with it since they had a relationship that was intimate before. My g/f (wife now) at the time saw nothing wrong with it, since they were no longer an item. Well, soon after, an Ex g/f of mine wanted me to play vollyball on a city league team with her......well, my g/f (wife now) then saw what I was talking about. She didnt want me around an EX that I was intimate with.....so we both explained the situation to our EX g/f an d b/f. Told them that we could not disrespect our current partners and kindly declined their offers.

So, IMHO.....if you want to avoid conflict in your new relationship......eliminate the EXs altogether.

PS. Ive been happily married to this woman for 5yrs.

Oh by the way.....like your member name....LOL.

To sum up what I was saying above.....people are people and can be lead by temptation....even if they started out with good and honorable intentions. That is why you avoid the temptation altogether.....with ALL parties involved.

Right back at ya w/ the name! Thank you for your post. I agree. My bf seems to have problem w/ completely cutting off people from his past. He is completely set however with his intent. We liked one another right away, but kept it at friends for 6 mos. Then we dated, very very slowly for over a year before we went to bf/gf status, because he did not want to repeat mistake from the past (jump in and three mos later want to jump out). The ex gf is troubled, and I get that he feels he wants to be helpful however I did tell him that my feelings should be considered first. and honestly I am hurt that this is even an issue.. Don't really know how to handle it, other than telling him how I feel and letting it sit. Thanks.

This sounds reasonable and mature. He is realizing that he needs to make adjustments, and is apparently willing to make them. Nothing wrong with that.

How long have you known him?

AGG

.............startinganew, you may also bring up the temptation comment. Your b/f may have great intentions....her intentions may be otherwise. Either one of them can fall into temptation. If his EX g/f need help, cant she call someone in her family or another friend? Again, just MHO.

Have a good evening!!!

we've known each other about 2 1/2 years, friends first, slowly dated then became exclusive. I said the same as far as she should call upon others. I think it enables codependent behaviour. thanks.

I think this is between you and BF to work out.
I'm assuming here that XGF is the kids parents, if so, I disagree with SIO in that children should be allowed to be around both parents at the same time. If she's not the kids parent's, then it wouldn't be inappropriate for you to attend.

Definitely find out if it is codependent, if so, deal with it ASAP.

You know, I have no real problem with someone remaining friends with a person they dated... provided it was just dating that didn't work out, and provided that the new BF's and GFs are included in the friendship.

At first, it's a little awkward. But that should go away.

I feel this is the way it should be if we lived in a perfect world.....but, people are so flawed anything that can tempt someone into inappropriate behavior should be frowned upon.

JMHO again...........have a great weekend!!!

Agreed. I was thinking of when you go out a couple of times and nothing really clicks but you are friends. Obviously this would exclude anyone you ever dated at all seriously or thought you might get serious about.

Starting Over -- where do they hide men who have insight into things the way you do? All of the men I've met down here in SE AL seem to think that women are just to be their servants - not partners. I've been divorced for 4yrs now and haven't found even one that seems to be able to look at a situation from both sides. I know how your raised has a lot to do with what you think -- I guess they're all still "old south" in their minds.
Where did you and your wife meet?
RMW

I guess the way my mother raised me helped me to understand alot in a relationship. I cant stand cheaters.....the way I look at it, if you are unhappy.....communicate with your partner, and/or get the necessary help required for your relationship.

I met my wife totally by accident. I met her at an after work happy hour. She played softball and my buddy sold her team their uniforms (shirts). We actually were friend for awhile after we met. There were several people in our group that night, but we knew there was an immediate attraction. We ended up exclusive about 2mo. after we met, and dated over a year before we got married. We have a 15mo. old child now, and I cant remember the last time Ive been this happy. After 6yrs.....I love her more today than yesterday.

Hello everyone, thank you for all your insights. We have discussed it (my bf and I) and clarified things a bit which helped. The ex gf is not the mother of his children. He absolutely understands where I am coming from and I've learned to say it, but then let it be. Things either continue to "fine tune" within a relationhip (which makes you want to keep at it) or they don't . Ultimately, his choices are his. I can say what I feel and then it is on him to do what he feels he has to. Then I see how it impacts upon me.

I think it is hard too at times to be in a relationship yet we are not a married couple and there will be times, events, work things, whatever, that I am just not a part of. I guess we are not at that level yet. I am in the process of learning. When I was married, I had an excruciating time verbalizing what was going on with me. I felt shut down, my ex wh would almost bully me into seeing it his way - and then I slowly just stopped "fighting" and over time I feel I disappeared. Speaking up for myself is something I am learning to do and have to accept the consequences that someone else may not like what I say, but it is important that i say it.

Startingover- good for you that you are in such a great marriage. I love hearing that! even though my marriage ended, I always want to believe that real enduring love does exist. I really don't feel I had a clue about relationships when I got married. I didn't have a lot of experience and i naively believed it would just keep working. now I clearly see all the importance and necessity of these uncomfortable conversations.

thanks again all!

I just reread your original post and it sounds like he has been invited to something that just so happens to involve her. This scenario is probably not uncommon, especially in a small town or even a big city if both x's know the same people. It's not like they were invited together or are even expected to sit together or anything. If I were you, I would just go. If he truly has an amicable relationship with his x, then there should be no problems at all.

Yes, they were both seperately invited to the same function which takes place about 1 hour north of where we live. My problem comes in to play when the ex gf calls him to ask for a ride.......because she does not have a car of her own. My questions are, MY GOD....doesn't she know ANY one else that she can go with? He will take his kids w/ him, in his mind giving her a ride is not a big deal - it is not an invitation to being on a date or anything- he has told her firmly he is involved, not available and not interested in a romantic involvement with her - it didn't work in the past and would not work now. I'm also hurt by this, because I still feel he hesitates to involve me in all aspects of his life. I guess we are just not at that point yet. He's clear that there is no one else, that he isn't interested in other women, it is just that right now time, kids, etc, and just good ole hesitation are playing inito this. That's what hurts, but you can't force that. it is making me question this whole situation though.

Have you told him your feelings? While it might be no big deal that they were both invited to the same event, and such things may be completely unavoidable, asking for a ride crosses the line (IMO). SOMEBODY had to invite her - can't they give her a ride? I don't think you would be overstepping your boundaries to tell him how you feel about this.

hi Tabby, yes their paths will cross due to work (occasionally) they are in similar industries and sometimes that happens. and they do know people in common. I did share my feelings w/ bf, and he did understand. He has asked me to come ( I don't know is ex gf asked him for a ride or not - but she has done this in the past on occasion). I'm still conflicted because I do feel hurt. I feel it just needs to sit a bit and then i'll understand my own position better. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to punish him , but I don't know whether I should go or not. I got out of a marriage where i wasn't wanted, and i will not go be where I'm not wanted again. I know I'm being stubborn here, but it did hurt my feelings. I do feel the ex's feelings were put before mine - and that is a precedence I won't stand for. I told him (bf) that I am so conscious of his feelings that I wouldn't do that to him. maybe this is part of the learning process, the deeper side of relating to someone. I do believe bf was trying to avoid hurting me, and didn't realize that I sensed him not being completely open and I did NOT like it. and good for me that I confronted it rather than avoiding it (like i did when i was married ouch)and it was hard for me.it is scary territory for me to feel that because I've expressed my realfeelings i may push someone away - but I have to do it.

to sum it up, don't know if i should go or just take a pass and say, "hey go have fun w/ your kids and work people and see you when you get back". maybe next time i'll be included from the beginning and feel more comfortable about going.