Background: H and i have been married for 12 years. After our 10 year anniversary, he had an A with SF lasting two months and discovered by me. He has recovered and i still am not having my needs met. He had the affair for many reasons and is passive agressive. One reason being that he felt he couldn't ever make me happy.

Now: I have told H my needs which he feels are "kissing my @$@" and he fails to meet them. I don't think I am asking for much... kiss when he comes home, time together, other caring things, and maybe conversation from time to time.

Lately, I have felt unexcited to see him, I don't care about spending time together, and I feel that I am not in love anymore. I have NEVER felt this way even after and during the affair. I dream about marrying someone else and having more children. H says we are done having kids and I am not. Besides I am the one who cares for them 24- 7 while he works his 24 hour firefighter shifts and his 9 hour EMT shifts. I am tired of looking out for everyone else and would like to final enjoy my life. I have dreams and aspirations too. I want more children and a spouse who cares. I really think that if I don'r get these needs met, then I am going to go through some serious depression. I strongly don't believe in divorce, but I am highly considering at least separation .

Well, sounds like he is not depositing much into your love bank. Does he do ANYTHING for you?

no
I don't want to sound selfish, but emotionally NO!

He says he takes out the garbage and fixes thing around the house, he plays with the kids ( They are his), he works to jobs to bring home money ( although he has to because he chnaged job from a higher paying job to a lower paying job and we almost went through foreclosure), he takes care of the other things around the house as any member of the house should.....BUT for me he doesn't care or show he cares, he doesn't do anything special, he doesn't initiate sex ( but will oblige if I get him worked up), he doesn't plan any fun times together and doesn't seem to want to do what I suggest....etc.

Just think that it is funny that i have this quote which i have religiously followed for two years. Well I have emptied myslef to the point I have no more and wish that when I do stuff for the good of others, they would do things back for me.-- "Love is the gift of self. It means emptying oneslf to reach out to others. In a certain sense, it means forgettung oneself for the good of others."--- what a joke! The more you give sometimes the more people take!! I am sorry I am beginning to wallow in pity and need a direction to travel.

"Well I have emptied myslef to the point I have no more and wish that when I do stuff for the good of others, they would do things back for me.-"

That doesn't happen a lot of times.

You need to learn to take care of yourself first, and then others.

But this can be worked out. You are going to have to do some changing, and then he will have to change too.

But the SF thing is worrisome. I wonder why he doesn't initiate? The passive-agressive thing?

He has never initiated, except when he was in the USMC and he would come back from a deployment. Nothing new! Oh he also initiated when the A was in play B/c he couldn't make him finish if you know what I mean

Lately, I have been kind of cold (for me). He has become more lovy dovy and caring. Why can't he do that when I am not being cold?

I think he is trying to emotionally control you.

Have you two filled out the EN questionnaires?

Is he into porn? Is he on the computer a lot?

My H and I had a less than great sex life because he was masterbating to porn or images for lengths at a time.

It was too much work for him to be intimate with me.

All of this can change. Sounds like you are at the point of falling out of love with him though.

First, you are going to have to work on your self-esteem. You are going to have to teach him what you need, and refuse to accept less. But it can be done very nicely.

Beliver, How?

Mopey- No, he is just not into sex as much as other men. Hard to believe i know, but he doesn't even masterbate. This i know! Because when he gets too built up, he "attacks" me in my sleep.

So did my husband. In fact, that's about the only time he ever initiated sex with me. I think he had wet dreams and well, I was there. That is a DJ, but he did mess with me while he was asleep and then wake up, well you know.

I've never really given that much thought until now.

Oh, yeah we have filled the questionairre when he was in a fog after the affair. He let me do all the work to read and find solutions to our marital problems.

yeah, It is always our running joke. It is humorous if you think about it! I wish my whole marriage was full of surprises like that!

Yep, we use to laugh and joke about it too. But he hasn't done that since d-day I don't think. Now he initiates it before bed and other times throughout the day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

How do you know for sure your H doesn't mb? I never knew my H did either, especially not as much as he did. Well, I mean I figured he probably did but we NEVER talked about it.

We talk about it and have always. We have always been really close until the A

When you start changing, he will have to change to. It is going to take some time. First work on your self-esteem.

I have plenty of self-esteem. I am a strong, loving, caring, person who is an awesome mother, friend, and teacher. I have plenty of self-esteem, but have always allowed others to say things that I don't like. i guess, i am non-confrontational.

I have been changing and he has too, but i am not sure it is the way to be.

Believer is right about the self esteem. I surely could use a ton of that. I've been threatening to check into the GODDESS thread myself.

What change do you think is appropriate?

You are going to need to start taking care of yourself. Sounds like you have excellent morals and a giving spirit. Those are good things.

But you need to guard your heart and insist on getting the things you need.

Really, the experts are on the emotional needs forum. Try posting up there too.