first another plea for people to post prayers and encouragement on this thread: Please welcome my friend Please give her your support even in her quietness.

and an update:

I didn't want to put the update in her thread...

She is having a bad day today trying to take this all in.

she confided in me about how WH in oct re-financed some property they owned where HIS PARENTS are currently living and took out as much equatiy as he possible could and then changed the title so that only my gf's name was on it (because he was about to enter some real estate deal and he didn't want his name on that property). we are talking a lot of money here. money he then used first to pay off credit card bills that he has been accumulating and then to pay off HIS car as well as the DD's car which just so happens to be in HIS name, but left her car still with a loan because the money ran out.

their main property has also been repeatedly re-financed and therefore does not have much equity in it either.

so not only is she watching her marriage crumble, she is now seeing how bad financially she is.

how do i respond to that? i'm so angry!!!

i'm not feeling pro-marriage now at all. given all of the above, should i be??

i strongly advised her to immediately secure any finances she can. they have always had some seperation of finances, really the major hole is credit cards, she has one in just her name but there is a joint one out there. i am hoping she takes my advice and gets that thing cancelled immediately before he trys to take some sort of cash advance. he is running out of funds, he is not currently employed.

i'm bothered because i no longer want to encourage her to save her marriage, i mostly bit my tongue but it was hard.

my head knows that is HER decision alone. and unless she makes that decision the best thing i can do as her friend is to help her stay the course. right??

i'm just so unsure right now?

oh, i missed a very important piece of info.

the A started in Sept.

so his actions in Oct are extremly questionable now.

She needs to see an attorney right away and file for divorce if that's what it takes to protect the assets and for him to have his share of responsibility for the debts.

This is dependent on state law, but generally it doesn't matter whose name is on things. If they're married, all their debts and assets are shared. But what do I know? She needs an expert--someone with a J.D. certificate on the wall.

BS always wait too long to get lawyers.

GC

Hi FLTF
The first thing your friend needs to do is to document everything in full detail with dates and amounts.

First she should document when the A started with any evidence she has, you will be amazed at the rewriting of history that occurs in a financial fight.

Then what happened to the proceeds of the refinance.

There is something called 'dissipation of assets' which she will be able to use against him in the event of a divorce to claim more than 50% of the marital pot but it is important that she be able to prove that he spent the money outside the marriage for this to stick.

Also she should know that 'no' is a useful word to know. He would not have been able to refinance without her agreement and she needs to start practicing its use.

Running out of money is also a good way of killing an A ::-)

she is going to be talking to lawyer today, i'm going to check in with her shortly to see if she was able to get in touch with one.

i didn't think she should start divorce proceedings, i don't think that is defintely what she wants yet. but i do think she should cancel any credit cards with both his and her name. they already have seperate checking accounts anyway.

as far as documentation goes, she has the cell phone records that show the calls starting back in Sept. but that's about it.

the proceeds of the re-finance went to pay off credit cards that were in both of their names but i belive mostly contained charges that he and then to pay off the loans for cars in HIS NAME (as far as the title goes) but her car (which is in just her name) was not paid off. does it matter whose name is on the title or is it all considered joint property either way?

as far as saying no goes...

at the time, she had no reason to doubt him.

they have been married 25+ yrs, two kids DD and DS
both in high school

Well, my wife did the same thing.

Took ALL the equity out of the house, spent it and then got everything when she divorced me.

She better bail while she can.

she is not giving up yet, continues to tell him she believes in them. however she did do some defensive actions, cancelling credit cards, moving some money into a safe spot.

they are telling the children tonight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

lets hope him seeing their faces does something to him inside and he wakes up before it is too late.

I definitely think he did all of the financial stuff to set himself up for a divorce he was planning in his head before he told his wife about it.

I saw someone giving out this same kind of advice, sorta, to a BS who was getting ready to go into plan B.

The husband sounds like a real piece of work. I hope he takes care of his kids financially.

FLT I hope your friend does get to a lawyer asap. No need at this point to decide D or not, but definately to have as much financial stability as she can. It sounds like she is in a real pickle with HER name on loans,titles or whatever. Did her H sign on the property loan?

Prayers for your friend.

i agree, it sure looks like he was doing some planning, it just makes me sick!! i never would of thought he would do that.

she did try to contact a lawyer yesterday, he was unable to call her back. i suspect they will connect today.

thanks for the prayers, keep them coming!!

i'll be checking in with her shortly, i hope she got some rest.