Hi all,

This issue came up yesterday, and also a number of months ago with my X. Clearly it bothers him. He said he cannot understand why I didn't fight for him. He said this with great pain<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> Yep, the new marriage is coming up to the five year mark, and I know from family gossip it isn't a happy one. But he actually said he wished I would have hit him with a 2x4, screamed, something! All LB's! THAT, he says, he would have understood. So now I am thinking that for him and I, Plan a was the biggest mistake I could have made, since wht he actually says he wanted, was a tirade! Oh, don't get me wrong, Plan A made lasting changes in me that are worth it, but it was never going to save my marriage!

Now those oldies here know that I did a pretty mean Plan A, the best I could under the circumstances. He was living with OW (now wife) very shortly after we separated, and then I had to return to our home country, leaving him there with her. I had worked out his emotional needs and tried as hard as I could to meet them whenever I was in any kind of contact with him.

So, anyway, I told him yesterday that I was trying to be his 'soft place to fall'. And yet, he didn't notice. Nor did he understand what that meant. I can only surmise that his rose coloured glasses were so thick he couldn't see what was in front of him, or his head was so far up his A$$ that he just missed it.

So I just sent him a letter. I explained what I did without even mentioning Plan A or this site because too much of my stuff is easily recognisable here. I don't know if that was a good or a bad thing to do, but I am not here for advice about whether it was or not. I do not want a reconciliation, but I felt that even though he was a WS, he needed some answers too.

So, has anyone else felt that Plan A was completely missed by their X's?

That's a good question-but I think that no matter what you had done while he was caught up in his A, he would still have been a typical foggy WS.

Five years later it's convenient that he thinks you didn't do "enough" to save him from his current choices by somehow forcing him to leave his A.

That's just MHO.

And you know what, Plan A did work-for your own personal recovery. If he had decided to return to your M, those Plan A changes would have benefitted him as well. But, as they say-he's made his bed....

Hi Jackie!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I think you did a service, assuming he'll understand or appreciate it. Some people never learn, but you at least gave him the oppor2nity he might not have had.

I think you did fine. Nothing worse than a FWS coming back who hasn't learned how 2 truly be a FWS.

-ol' 2long

Why is he looking back at what he lost, if your Plan A didn't make an impression on him? He was just a little more stubborn than most. And besides that, Plan A typically doesn't work without Plan B. I know it took that for me.

Thanks for the responses everyone.

Johnstwin wrote" Five years later it's convenient that he thinks you didn't do "enough" to save him from his current choices by somehow forcing him to leave his A. "

Oh yeah, I forgot, it's all MY fault!!! LMAO.

Hey ol' 2 long! Yep, seems like he didn't learn anything, although i did. It's why I sent the letter. Compasion. Even for him.

Kayla, excellent point. It must have worked somewhere along the way, it's just that he didn't know it. I dod go to Plan B actually. But by the time I did, I had been back in my home country awhile and it was all that much harder to do effectively.

I told him my letter did not need a reply.

So it will be interesting to see how high the wall is when he next picks up the kids...hehe.

I think he's still in the fog....sounds like 'Fogese' or Fog Speak to me. Convenient rewriting of history. So, chalk it up to what you already know...he doesn't get it, he never did, and he never will.

Amazing, do you really think the fog can actually last that long? Of course, it could be a different kind of fog. Like this kind:

"OMG I am in a bad marriage which is a lot worse than the one I left her for and oh how did I get myself into this mess let's see who can I blame this time oh I know Jacky because she fell for it last time"

kinda fog! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I think the newbies might find that very discouraqing. Sorry newbies. Know that my X never accepted responsibility for anything his whole life. He is particularly stubborn when it comes to that.