I'm in an unusual situatin and I don't know where to start. I've been married to my husband for 25 happy yrs. About a year ago I found out that he was married to someone else and did not get a divorce from her. I found this out when he received Child Support Orders for his kid from his previous marriage. He says it isn't his kid and this lady is using his name on everything because he never divorced her. He claims that he has been paying her support because he didn't want me to get involved in his problem. I was very hurt and overwhelmed about this, but we have talked about this and we've decided to stay together and work things out. We've since become a lot closer and my husband is more open when we talk. I've read on the websites that my husband has committed bigamy, and that our marriage is null and void. So, there are a lot of questions that we have to ask first before we begin to try and fix this mess. If our marriage is null and void then does that mean that we don't need to get a divorce. ? He is planning to divorce his first wife, they never owned anything together as they were married for a couple of months and he left her to come to the states and that's when he met me and we've been together ever since. Afte he divorces her we plan to get married again legally. Or is it after his divorce is final then our marriage will become legal ? Where does that leave our property, I bought the house with my parents when I was still single and they deeded it to me. So shouldn't the property just be in my name now ? We don't know where to start. Help !

I think you are going to have to talk to an attorney to get this all straightened out. Were they married in a different country? That may have some bearing also.

But I'm wondering why he got a child support order if he has been paying child support secretly? That seems strange. Also it seems strange that he paid it without establishing paternity.

I hope you have checked out his story and are certain that this is NOT an affair and an other child.

Yes, they were married in a different country, but he has since become an US Citizen and so can file for a divorce here. He sent money to her without a Child Support Order, and has been sending money for all these years. Now she is coming back and saying that he didn't pay her anything and he doesn't have anything to prove it. He has been paying her Child support thru Child Support Enforcement just in the past year. He thought that after he pays her and the kid turns 18 this month that would be the end of everything. But she came back and is asking back support, which my husband did not keep any receipts for. I know it isn't an affair because I've checked it out and asked a lot of people about it. They said that the kid isn't my husbands, she was seeing another person the same time she was with my husband.

I am a bit confused. If you've been together/married for 25 yrs, how would he still have a child with her who is under 18?

Was he from a country that makes divorce very difficult to obtain?

Odd that he would keep this from you all these years. It would seem that there may be other things you don't know about him.

They don't have divorce in their country only annulment and it takes years to get one. My story only gets better, the child I believe is his, but he is denying it saying that he was in the Navy. But I calculated the time his ship was there and the birthdate of this child is approximatley 9 mos. He doesn't want to go into detail and just wants to leave it at that. We just want to go on with our lives and forget the past. We are making plans to retire together.
I know a lot of people would think I'm crazy staying with him, but he's treated me and our kids well, he gave us everything we wanted and never asked anything from us. He helps his family back home also, he's just a kind and caring person. We are more in love today than we were when we first got married. We believe that saving our marriage is worth it.

So, what do you want help with? You seem to be OK with the fact that he had an affair while you were married and fathered a child.

Are you trying to find a way out of the child support?

Where do you want to go with this?

WAIT...WHEN did this AFFAIR occur? He married her after he was married to you???? Please make sense of the timeline here since something is not adding up.

As far as your H not wanting to go into detail...tough [censored]. Get the details.

So, when did this affair happen?
How old is the child now?
Did your H marry her before he met you?

I am with everyone else here. The time line does not add up.

You are married 25 years and the child is 17.
Are you saying he married her before you, left her came to the states and married you? Then went back to her had a child 17 years ago?

Can you go over the time line again?

He married her before he married me. The child happened while we were married and when his navy ship went there.

I'm trying to find out if our marriage is null and void, then is everything we own also null and void. I want to take advantage of my assets because I don't want to be responsible for any of his back child support payments. Which he says he has paid her but not thru Child Support, and he didn't keep an receipts of those payments.

Sometimes it's better to just leave things the way it is and go on with your lives. The more you ask the more painful it gets and you will find out things that you didn't want to hear. Yes, I have a soft heart but I believe it is worth saving our 25 yr relationship for. How many of you have had relationships for that long and just let it go down the drain because you were so mad about your situation and don't even bother to talk about it. I don't want to give up our relationship and that's why we want to work things out. We are just confused and overwhelmed about everything right now.

You're mainly asking for legal advice. Many of your questions have different answers depending on what state you live in. You have to get a lawyer.

so, he had an affair with YOU then. I know this was without your knowledge...but you are not his true wife if in fact he was married.

Then he goes out and continues with this double life by sleeping with his wife ... leaving his wife/mistress behind.

He's not confused...he did this. he KNEW exactly what HE was doing.

Contact a lawyer immediately. Your "husband" is a scoundrel...at best.

I still suggest you consult an attorney. This needs to be LEGALLY resolved. For one thing, the social security rules say that you will get ZERO social security from his account if for some reason your marriage was not valid, even if you didn't know it.

The whole story is suspicious to me - no receipts for child support, no paternity test, hiding it from you, a prior marriage that he lied about.

But you are the one that has to live your life, and if you are happy, I won't try to change your mind.

Be proactive about protecting yourself legally. I've known a couple of men who owed more than $100,000. in back child support for children they didn't even know about.

Hi Toyota
If he had a legal marriage when he 'married' you the his marriage to you is invalid. It does not matter that the marriage was in another country, as a foreign marriage is recognised as long as it was performed legally under the rules of that country.

However, if you are going to use this as a way to protect yourself from claims against him, you need to be totally clear that he has committed a serious offence for which he could be imprisoned. Moreoever, if he used the 'marriage' to you as a basis for his US citizenship, he could also lose that and be convicted of fraud.

Get some serious legal advice. And then you need to address the relationship issues and his infidelity as these issues are not going to go away either.

Sorry to sound harsh, this is terrible stuff for you to be dealing with.

So if there is more (as in more wives, girlfriends, children) you wouldn't want to know? This man has lied to you your entire married life. Then after 8 years of marriage he fathers a child with his wife. Have you talked to this woman? Have you checked into marriage records and birth records in that other country? I would suggest you get copies of both to make sure he was actually married to this woman. Then a paternity test is in order to make sure the child is your husband's. IMO if he can lie to you for 25 years there may be more he is lying about.

There probably is more, but I don't want to know anymore, I just want to go on with my life and forget the past. Yes, it will be with me for the rest of my life, but still we are committed to each other and want to be together for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes it's better to just leave things the way it is and go on with your lives. The more you ask the more painful it gets and you will find out things that you didn't want to hear.

Yes, I'll start seeking advise. Thanks !

Isn't that like sticking your head in the proverbial sand? Why WOULDN'T you want to know the truth? If you live in denial then your marriage(?) will continue to be unstable (like the house built on sand). You can never hope for a GREAT marriage if you don't know the truth. Why don't you find out everything you can and THEN make your decisions. You may be surprised.

so, you are choosing to live a lie with someone elses husband?

Toyota,


With a past like your WH has, that may be very likely impossible. First, he might not even be your husband, second, he might have other "wives and children" out there.

This is your life, your decision, but I suspect that pretending things are normal and moving on, well you might get some pretty ugly surprises in the future because of what he has done in the past.

Who

Do you see that what we are talking about is not the past, it is your present. You are enabling your husband to continue his behavior.

enable:
one that enables another to achieve an end; especially : one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior.

This is what you are doing.

You are not his wife. You are his long-term mistress.

Up until now you didn't know that, and were an innocent party. Now that you do know, you have a choice. You can either remove yourself from this decades-long triangle with your good character intact, or knowingly continue your adultery with a bigamist, and lower yourself to his level.

I have every sympathy for you in finding this out. And no, doing the right thing will not be easy. But no matter how hard it has been to learn it, you are not his wife. It is not right for you to be with him.

If you continue on anyway, all the pretending won't make it right.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.