Trying to be short-
Hub talked about home improvement business, contracting out for some time. He got a business license but last time we discussed, a few months back, I thought he had decided against it. Alot of factors mostly time involved.

Tues he came home and before I knew it was driving off in a truck with the worker who did our roof. I stopped him because I needed his credit card for some online business and asked where he was going. I never got an answer other than I will be back, he hemmed and hawed.

He came back 35 mins later and wanted to know why I was mad. I said I asked you a ? and got no answer.
He proceeded to tell me that he went on two estimates and he didn't want to hear me bitching so he wouldn't tell me. He didn't lie about where he was going he just didn't tell me.One of the estimates is for a neighbor who we had to begged payment from twice for work my husband did for her.

I told him regardless if I ask him something I expect a decent answer and he basically told me it was none of my business! Needless to say it went downhill from there.
Haven't spoke to him in two days. I left him a note and told him I thought him running off with his friend was not only planned but extremely immature and sneaky. I hate sneaky.

He hid the fact that he is still trying out a business on the side. I don't agree with it because if he wants to do it it should be all legal, insured, bonded, licensed, etc.


He thinks I am wrong and what he does is none of my business to ask?

Opinions?

It sort of depends on what you want.

He was wrong not to tell you, no doubt about it. The reason he gave you for not telling you is what you want to pay attention to.

If you want him to tell you things, then when he does, you want to react in such a way that he will be more likely to tell you things the next time. He said he did not want to hear you bitching, and, from his point of view, I would bet that is what it sounded like to him.

You don't have to like the idea of his starting a business without asking you. But if you had responded, "Oh, I see." when he told you, and left it at that, then you would not have fulfilled his expectation of the way you would react.

Then, perhaps, later on he might be more willing to talk about it, and you could tell him your concerns, and there might be a chance that he could hear you.

This isn't your fault, but there are things you can do to help. Does that make sense?

Regards,
rs0522

I get what you mean about my reaction and due to it, it is making him clam up. Yep I am sure it is. But he also hid it and lied about it because he knew I would be upset and that is wrong too.

He decided supposedly not to do a business and a big reason was because I was and am insistant on it being legit. Incorporate, get a general contractors license, pay taxes, hire legal employees etc. I don't think he wants to do it that way. For some reason he feels it is so easy and that just having a business license entitles him to write off everything on our taxes, do what he wants (ignoring any legalities) and I don't agree with it. He has no insurance and is not actually available to be the general contractor, watching over jobs and the people doing them. I guess I am fear driven because I don't want to lose what we have over a lawsuit for a $500 or less job.
All I ask now is that he do the business as a business and not associate it with our personal taxes. I think that is fair but I can assure you he has other ideas.
I did get a valentine card but what I really wanted was an apology.
Thanks for you input. It is a tough fight.

It sounds like he has decided to go ahead anyway. You might want to suggest ways to shield yourselves from the dangers of doing his business under the table - putting the house in your name only (if you have a house), and so on. Either he will accept the idea, in which case you have some measure of protection, or he will not like it, in which case you can present the idea of a legit business as an alternative.

Good luck. This sounds like a tough situation.

Regards,
rs0522

Bottom line, it doesn't matter what he did. Because what he did this time, he's likely done a dozen times before and will do a hundred times in the future. Because he doesn't trust you. He doesn't trust you because you interact with each other in such a way that you tell him what is right and what he should do, and if he doesn't do what you say is right, you punish him.

You're treating him like you're the parent and he's a child. And what do children do to keep from getting in trouble? They lie.

I agree with you about the business. Completely. BUT. That has nothing to do with whether you can get this to turn out successfully. Because he will continue to do things behind your back if you continue to berate him for not agreeing with you.

There is a LOT of material here at MB to read. But I recommend you start reading. As much as you can. You will learn about Love Busters (what you do to bother each other), Emotional Needs (what you should be doing FOR each other), and the Policy of Joint Agreement (you both have to agree enthusiastically on every major decision). Most importantly, you will learn to communicate with each other so that you both get what you want.

Feel free to come back and discuss what you're learning. We can help you work it all out. You might want to consider starting a thread over at Emotional Needs, where you'll get a lot more traffic (and answers).

Good luck!

As you read thru the website, I would recommend that you pay particular attention to the Policy of Joint Agreement data.

Again, good luck and God bless you both.

Regards,
rs0522

I believe in what you are saying and I have been reading but don't seen able to apply it all.

I believe the lack of trust goes both ways and that is why I was so upset about him hiding things.

He had an EA years ago and I never did get all the puzzle pieces so when he does hide things, which I am sure happens regularly, and I find out then I feel like the trust is broken again.

Lately we just don't seem to click or be able to have a discussion without arguing about it. It is frustrating.

I don't know why he doesn't trust me, especially on this issue? I am just trying to protect us as a family.

We talked some yesterday and I explained my fears. He doesn't believe I will support him with a business. Like I told him before and we talked at length about it is a great idea but he needs to put some effort behind it because a business is alot of work. I think he feels I should do all the reading and learning and let him get the jobs. A business is unknown territory to me and him and I don't think we should walk into it blindly.

Oh well for now I just want to let him do what he wants and if we pay the price later I guess that is what I will suffer for trusting him?

No. What you do is set boundaries. Both of you. You both set limits - and agree to them together - on what you're comfortable with that the other person does. And then you stick to them. If one person crosses one of the boundaries, the other person CALMLY states, you know what? I think we talked about this, didn't we? Let's find a different way to solve this.

I understand your frustration, believe me! But if you want your marriage to survive 30 more years, you need to really read this stuff. Read it, think about it, see where you can apply it to your lives, and do it! I promise it works. Six months ago, I couldn't stand my H. Hated doing anything for him. Come here, it says to DO for him! I think, are you nuts? But I did it. I stopped LBing him, I started doing things for him, I started showing compassion, even though I didn't really feel it at first. After a couple of weeks, I started noticing changes - in him!

Just like me, you and your H are stuck in a you vs me dance that neither one feels safe exiting from. But one of you has to do it for the sake of your M, or you'll just end up with divorce or affairs. Since you're the one here, it will have to be you. That's how it works. Of course, you can tell him what you've found here, read it to him, and get him to sign on to it. Start with the Love Buster questionnaire. Both of you fill it out, find out what the other one does that ticks you off. Then resolve to STOP doing those things! It's amazing the transformation in your M if you do that. Start there, and let us know what happens.

You know he's going to do the business anyway, so you might as well accept it and help him the best you can, to protect yourself. Who knows, you might end up rich!

But you know the real issue here is the M. So start fixing it. You'll both win out in the end.