This confuses me...my WH is with OP for a year now and they must be happy to stay together so long..they work together too.WH has served me D papers..I'm in a dark Plan B.

Why is it assumed that they are unhappy?
My WH said to me that "you would never get over this if I came back"I replied that I had read a lot about recovering a marriage and he wouldn't know untill he came home!!

I don't think he will change his mind..there is nothing more I can do..He knows I would take him back though..
My DS15 told DS15 that I went out for dinner on Val.Day...which is true...with GIRLfriends!!
Shall I let him think I have met someone? Guys tell me this will show me how he feels....

I don't imagine he even thinks about me anymore..I have a very logical mind and I think he is happy and in love with OP.We have been married for 21yrs...its so crazy...

Hope,

I've wondered this too. Although Dr.Harley says something like 3% ever make it over 5 years, I've known lots of Affairages.

My own brother was one. She was already D when his A started with her though. They M and it lasted almost 15 years until she left him for someone else. Were they happy? I think he was totally wound up in her but she was never really happy. In fact, on their honeymoon she told him she made a mistake and they came home early.

My old boss left his wife of 25+ years to M an OP who left her H of 25+ years. He had two grown children, she had 5 grown children. They M 13 years ago. He says they are blissfully happy, but he did admit to me one day the what he did hangs over him like a black cloud somedays. So the extreme guilt is there. But how many first time M last 13-15 years anyway?

I know other ones too, but who knows if they are happy. Sometimes they just won't admit that they aren't. There is a lot of baggage there to deal with that isn't in a first M.

Funny you should say that... My WW and I still email each other regularly. One day she was having a rough day and feeling down so I sent her something to cheer her up... A little story about "this too shall pass" She said something about me using Alcoholics Anonymous slogans… I responded with…. “No, someone sent that to me and it means a lot to me. (Peperband LOL) I just thought I would share it with you.” She says… “Well that’s and AA slogan. You know like easy does it, one day at a time, this too shall pass.” Without even thinking I send this response. “Oh… I didn’t know that… Maybe that’s where she got it.”

On my way home from work I got three phone calls from WW. LOL… She was having brake problems on her car. She made the decision to move out of our home and be independent…. I find it funny that the minute I suggest another female she suddenly needs my help and is calling me. I just wonder if it was a conscious or unconscious reaction to that one little word….SHE…LOL

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hope, I wouldn't assume anything if I were you. However, most affairs do crumble within 2 years because affairs are based on fantasies. When reality is inevitably injected, the fantasy crumbles and there is nothing else there since the affair was based on all of the very WORST characteristics, ie: dishonesty, selfishness, entitlement, illusion, isolation. A relationship based on all of traits is doomed to failure. However, some do make it out.

But stating this generalization is not to assert there is some GUARANTEE that this is what is happening in your H's affair. That cannot be assumed even though the likelihood is great.

I am still in Plan A, and thought I would way in.
I have no idea if my WW will come back to me, being honest.
What I do know is that she is unhappy with the OM. As others and the Harleys have said their fantasy has crumbled, lack of money, children, bills, him being controlling and a few other issues.
Her friends wonder why she stays still, I wonder why she stays still.
Reasons I have gathered are:
1) She thinks I will punish her, so I have to work hard on letting her know I wont.

2) Her pride - Doesn't want to believe she has failed at something.

3) Guilt - That the OM changed his life for her and she wants to walk out.

4) Thinks she can change him - An old chestnut but thinks the daily arguing will stop tomorrow!

I think her reasoning probably applies to a lot of affair maybe except for the Guilt one, Pride and thinking it will change for the better are probably the main reasons why a WS stays when they are unhappy.

That's probably why all affairs come to an end, it just takes some people longer than others to realise it wont get better and to get over their pride.

I think it also depends on what their husband or wife is doing.

Somebody gave me a great piece of advice the other day which is to make her think she can lose me.

Easy to say hard to do, but from what happened with me last week when I tried it it seems to be true. If they think you are moving on and they could lose you,
and maybe they are unhappy,
that could be the push they need to think:
Does my pride, guilt, etc win and I stay with the OM where I am unhappy and risk losing my husband or wife, or do I stop right now.
I am pretty much 99.9% sure that unless I Plan A good and work on myself and maybe make plans to move on, new job, new place something like that it will never give her the kick up the A** needed to finish it.
I guess thats why the Plan A/B thing is so important. For unhappy affairees, a great Plan A followed by Plan B forces them to see what a life without you is like, no great wife or hurband as in Plan A, just the OM or OW who they are unhappy with.
Just my 2 cents!

Melodylane your list of characteristics apply to my WH..Isolation really struck me..they live in a nature reserve/forest and you need a code to be able to drive in...they hardly go out according to BIL...

Spike,I think pride and guilt are 2 major factors with my WH.I think WW's realise its not going to be easy recovering a marriage and that it might not recover at all,then they have lost us and the OP..My WH said in the beginning he was afraid to come home cos he thought my changes wouldn't last.

I am definitely letting him think I have moved on in a BIG way!!I have nothing to lose...

I can't believe they're in each others face 24/7 as they work together too and they still a couple!!She doesn't have a car so they drive together as well!!!

Anyway thanks for all your imput it really helps...
I don't think my WH is in fantasyland anymore as they live together with her 3 kids too...isn't that reality?

One thing I have only realised this week after a couple of months is that she initially actually talked about how bad he was to me! Hard to swallow I know. But as time has gone on, and she has got more unhappy she no longer tells me how bad he is.
The reason for this I can see is that she is feeling less and less secure in herself, her pride is suffering because she CANNOT change this guy into the fantasy guy she met before.
As I grow up in her eyes, as her friends have told me, it becomes more and more embarassing to tell me the mistakes he is making. Wheras when she was secure with him and I was scum it was easy to say he was ******. Does that make sense?

Basically before it didn't matter what I thought about her and him, she could tell me how bad he was or talk about an argument because she was 80% happy with him. Now she is 10% happy with him, she doesnt want to look bad in front of me by talking about her problems all the time, because I am going up and he is going down, lovebank down for him and up for me.

Rambling a bit, but I hope it makes sense.

I also know that her friends have said she is afraid I am going to punish her for it. Control her too much, ask her what she is doing all the time etc. So that is going to take time and I need to act happy, good Plan A, be happy, do other things etc. and reassure her I will never punish her over it and hopefully eventually she will come round.

I guess it's war on two fronts:
1) The WS has to see changes in you in areas that they were previously unhappy with.

As number 1 progresses and you go up in their eyes.....

2) Hopefully the fantasy with the OP has decreased far enough that they are unhappy enough to see you as the better option again.

Pride & Guilt dont last forever, only a limited time. Eventually everyone has enough and clear thought and reality win out, not pride & guilt.

Spike I agree with you 100%.but I think my WH will hang on to his pride otherwise he will be admitting he made a mistake..

I think this divorce will wake him up big time when he realises my lawyer is tough as nails..and its going to affect his pocket badly..moneys a BIG NB for him and he earns a very good salary...OP is a gold digger,definitely...her friend told me..

My SIL cant believe I still want him back!!WH was very close to his sister but he has cut her off...

She says he is self-destructing..

You never know....
My WW actually admitted she has made a mistake but her pride is still keeping her there.
I get the impression now that shes waiting for changes in me.
Maybe thats the story with your husband.
I only realised today a lot of what my problems were that drove her away and what I can do to fix them.

I have one theory that maybe they are waiting to see changes in you and that the OP is a side-attraction.

I puzzled for ages why her friends told me that if I had gone away from her and got a good job rather than hanging onto her coat tails, she would have come to me.
Why would someone at the height of an affair say something like that?
I think I have worked it out...that they KNOW the OP is not good enough, but at this or that moment in time they fulfi a need you are not and also they are using that OP in some cases to push you to change.

I dont think this applies in all cases but I think this is what my WW is doing to me. She's waiting for me to change my behaviour, and she wants me to do it, but she knows if she leaves him now nothing will change.

Until I change myself and fix myself, she wont leave. BUT I feel, with what her friends said months ago that this is what she wants..

Weird heh...

Every situation is different but maybe your husband is unhappy but is waiting to see changes in you..

Its so hard to try figure them out.My problem is I have made changes to myself and have told him.He just says his glad to hear it...almost in a condesending way..

How is he really going to SEE the changes when his not at home..also I am in a dark plan B.He never asks the kids about me either.WH still has ONE mutual friend left!!maybe he will pass comments to WH!!

I spoke to his sister and she says her mom is worried about him..don't quite know why yet..she lives far away from WH so she only has contact by phone..also MIL hasn't contacted me once in all this and we were good friends for 25 yrs!!

My BIL stopped by at my work today and we chatted about WH.He had asked WH "so are you and BS finished now?"WH replied hesitantly,"yes I suppose so?"crazy,seeing that he has served me papers!!

WH has been silently fence-sitting!!BIL told me that the OP was worried cos WH has been telling her he was deciding what to do all these months.BIL said WH needs me as his falling off the tracks with his drinking..I said his OPs problem now..

This just confirms my plan B is the best thing for me now..