OK, My story is here in several post...I have not been able to stick to one so I will try to stick to this one. I've been gone a while becuase I thought my R was going to end, but it drags on, seems like a never ending cycle. I'll try to sumerize the latest events below, the past two months have been so painful, i don't know how to go on....

In early december I discovered my wifes EA and confronted her. she refused NC, openly. She's been on the fence ever sine, looking for apartments on and off, trying to make up her mind on waht to do. I tried plan A over and over, but I have not done a good job at all. At first I called and e-mailed constantly, with tons of LBs...eventually I was able to stop calling and needing her so much, but I disovered something new about the A almost every week and went off about my discovery. I can't stop snopping, and every time I do I find new things, I can't control myself when I read the horrible things she writes on her message board. (my affair support on Ivilliage)
Ok so about two weeks ago, I found a credit card bill in her name for over $2500 that she loaned OM! I called and told her not to come home, it was over...she came home anyway and has been sleeping on the couch since. she knows she needs to make a decision very soon about leaving one of us. she can't afford a place to stay, and i can't legally kick her out. Next I found her most recent post, where she basically said that the S with OM is AMAZING, she is in love with him, wants to leave me...blah blah and that she is just to affraid to leave because she loves our dogs and our house. Again I couldn't hold in the anger, I confronted her about the post (she didn't know I was reading them) and she is trying to tell me that she needs more time to decide. She says that OM is about ready to give up also (which he is) She says she is trying to get to NC with him, but on her terms not mine. In her post she said she has asked OM for a month of NC to end things with me on a better note, but that drives OM further away.
I am so confused by all of this. I am at the end of my rope and the amount of disrespect I feel is begining to ruin my feelings for her. Another problem I have is that I don't have any friends in my area, and I have a hard time not thinking bout her wheareabouts all the time, I just want this to end.
SO to sum this up, she is well aware of what NC means, she is tring to get there ( i think) OM is at the end of his rope also, I worry that all of my LBs may have ruined my chances of getting her to stay. Should I just try to be quiet for a few more days and see what happens, or just give her a deadline and stick to it? please help me here, this is so painful. I hope this post wasn't too confusing! Oh one more thing, for those who have followed my previous posts, WW and OM were working together, but he recently left his job there. (another good sign i think)

I remember you. I'm sorry that you need to come back, but you are in a great place. Remember the boards are very slow during the weekend.

Were you able to get the books Surviving An Affair and His Needs, Her Needs? Did you read the free stuff on this website?

yes, I've read most of this entire site, I've read HN/HN, SAA, 5 love languages, divorce busting, and more.......I just can't seem to stick with a plan. I'll be ok for a few days then I'll get tired of it again and start another fight about it. the funny thing is, that from what I can tell the A is coming to an end, unless she completely gives up on me and commits to him. The hardest part for me is whether to believe what she writes on the message boards or what she says to me when it comes to working on us. Should I post a link to her thread on Ivilliage so I can get some feedback on it? I guess it's just Fog babble, but it seems like she is so serious about her love for him.

Why do you get tired of it. Yes it is extremely tiring and seems completely backwards. They are the ones doing the hurting. But do you love her? Do you want your M?

Hi aph,

I remember you too, I remember telling you to use THIS place as a lifeline for you. I urged you to write here everyday, so we could help you w/ your sitch every step of the way. It's no wonder that you can't stick to a plan, you have no support system.

I'll urge you again, to read AND POST here more often than you read over at that other site!

Why aren't you in Plan B?

~ Marsh

Ok, I see that you just found out on V Day that her EA was really a PA.

Now I understand why you confronted her about what she wrote on the other site.

Where was she when you called her and told her it was over? Was she staying somewhere else?

~ Marsh

ok...sorry for not staying on here I deserve that 2x4, it would have helped if posted more..

anyway, no kids, married 2 yrs, together 9. the A has been going on for 5 MOs. I have exposed to WWs family, and my family. I wanted to expose to thier work, but was too affraid of her withdrawing completely and was waiting for a better time, but he has left his job there (this week). I would be in plan B if she would move out, but she can't afford to and I can't kick her out. I may go see a lwayer this week to discuss my options. I have to really think about what I do next becuase I know OM is at the end of his rope, and WW is realizing that if he does leave her then he doesn't love her as much as she thought. I want to hold out for another week, but I am lucky to get through three days with no outburts. I am so confused

the day I called and told her not to come home she had stayed at OMs the night before, it was the 4th time since EA dday. when I got home from work I found the $2500 bill and called her and basically told her not to come home anymore unless it was totally over with him. she came home late that night and slept on the couch, she says she has nowhere else to go , since OM lives in his Aunts basement and she can only crash there when she really needs to. SO the next day she aske me for an "extension" to figure out what to do. that was about 2 weeks ago, and we're still waiting for a decision.

Good news about the two of them not working together any longer. And that OM is getting tired of her.

How do you know this, BTW?

If you could go to Plan B, you'd finish this A off pretty quickly, plus protect yourself from more pain. Good idea about seeing a lawyer. If he can draw up a legal seperation, you could plan B her.

~ Marsh

Oh, no, aph, write her the PBL TODAY!!! Give it to her and tell her TIME IS UP NOW!!!!

Kick her out. And DO NOT let her in until she has met every condition to your PBL.

Do you know what your letter ought to include?

~ Marsh

Have you gone over to talk to the aunt and tell her that OM is borrowing large sums of money from a married woman? That might help end things.

Your wife sounds like she is still a cake-eatter. I would cancel all the credit cards before she blows more money on OM.

Have you talked to the Harley's yet?

~ Marsh

no....I know I should, but the $$$ is a real issue for me. I have been going to a MC alone though (through my EAP) She is much better than the one we went to in december. WW agrees to go with me if she goes into NC with OM. The thing is that WW keeps telling me she is "ending it" with OM. she hasn't been with him much lately either. But when I read her threads on Ivilliage, it seems like she doesn't really want to end it at all. it's the uncertainty that's killing me. We're about to leave to go to MILs for the rest of the weekend, so I may not be able to post again until sunday night. I'll try to do some plan A on the 2.5hr car ride and while wer're there. I know OM has got to be agrivated that she's going to be with me over the weekend and can't talk to him much. He is very jelous at this point. I guess we are making progress in a way.

Too bad you couldn't have gotten one of Harley's books on CD to listen to on your car ride.

Your WW doesn't want to end it. The fantasy is too good. But, if you kicked her out, or left her at her parent's house....reality would begin to set in for her. And would help to clear away some of that "love fog".

Would you consider leaving her w/ her family, you could expose to them while you are there? Kill two birds w/ one stone.

~ Marsh

haven't worked on the PBL letter yet, but i have read a lot about it so I have plenty of ideas....again in my state I can't kick her out legally at this point, thats why I need to see a lawyer.

believer, I would go talk to the aunt and unlce, but they know about the A and have threated to have me arrested if I step foot on thier property, OM has made me out to be a crazy person....

Aph, I am glad you are back...been worried about you!

OK, cancel all credit cards, hers are hers alone and will stand that way in court if it comes to D. Take her name off of all joint accounts...do it Tuesday. Whose name is on the house deed? If only yours, you can change the locks and leave her a Plan B letter on the door. This needs to happen asap.

You must control your anger, lest she have something to use against you (emotional abuse, physical threats, etc) in court. Your only option is to knock her off ther fence. There is a risk of losing her during the separation, but I think she will wake up and see what a loser he is before long.

Take control of this sitch before you lose it, aph. You are very close to the edge. Please don't leave us again...we are here to help you. I am really worried that you are going to drive yourself nuts trying to control things you CANNOT CONTROL!!! You are in charge of YOU and YOUR finances. Stop chasing the gerbil (let me know if you have not read the gerbil story and I will post it for you. It is on Ron's thread). Get your stuff in order and get back in the driver's seat. DO IT NOW, APH!!! (if I was standing next to ya, I'd flick ya in the ear, dangit!)

I'm going to ****shake you******
Then I'm going to ((((((Aph)))))) hug you!
I'm glad you are back!

her "family" is no help whatsoever...her mother has had numerous A's and left her M and although she is on my side she thinks A's are ok!?! my SIL also just left her family for an OM, so they really don't help me much at all, except they do tell WW that her feelings for OM are not real.

I've exposed to all of them anyway. My gut is telling me to be there for her a little longer (plan A) because OM is about to end it on his own. What I need is a deadline and a plan to go into plan B soon, if this doesn't happen...sound right?

Thanks!...no I haven't read the gerbal letter....what do you think...should i got with her to MILs for the night and tommorrow? BTW, she gave me a card on V day that said I've shown her what unconditional love is...I'll be able to doa decent job of (plan A) for the time being, until I get to the lawyers

the house is in both names, the credit cards are in hers only.

This stuff is counter-intuitive.

If you cut her off, OM would have to step up and fullfill all her needs. And there is no way he can do that while he's living in his A & U's basement.

I don't think you ought to wait any longer. You've Planned A her long enough.

It really is long past time for Plan B.

Really.

Don't try to wait this A out.

OM is a HUGE loser! What woman in her right mind would date a guy who was living in his relative's basement, let alone sleep w/ him? Only a screwed up WW.

He knows he can't get another woman, so I seriously doubt he'll let go of your WW any time soon.

Oh, I'm sure there's LBing going on between them, but there's alot of drama too. It's the drama that fuels the A.

If you went to Plan B, the drama would end. All the fun and excitement would be sucked out of it.

Plan B her!

~ Marsh

Here's the thing (now I'm all kinds of worked up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />)...if she really wanted to move out, she would have taken that $2500 and set up her own place for their little trist. She has no incentive to leave, aph.

If she said that you have shown her what unconditional love is, then you have done enough in Plan A. Now she is cake-eating. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. You threatening and LBing all over the place is not helping at all. She has been playing this game for five months. I can't make you do anything, but you are losing credibility and respect with her now. Get a L, since you cannot kick her out, and show her you are serious.

I will post the gerbil story in a few.