I really need advice. I haven't talked to a lawyer. We were married in CA. We have lived in Georgia for about 5 months. H was making about $55k with full benefits for the last 5 years, 2 and a half which I wasn't working. We sold our home a few years ago and we made some money. That has helped keep our family afloat along with H's salary. H took about 12k of that money and spent it on a personal hobby if that matters. He said he had the right to since I decided to lose money by staying home with our two babies. I have had very part-time online teaching jobs because I am a former teacher. I've maintained my credential and it is not expired. When I go back to work in about a year, I'll have to get a credential in whatever state I end up in.

Here's the deal here and I really need some advice.

1) My H has been abusing alcohol off and on throughout our marriage. There is not much of a paper trail on that since he always drank at home. Our therapists all thought he was an A though. He didn't think they were right. He will now binge every few weeks and drink a few drinks here and there rather than being drunk every day like he was for 2 years when we got pregnant with our first. Our first is dreadfully attached to me from that whole experience. The 2nd baby is cool with both of us. He's been a better dad to her.
2) We are separating but just verbally agreed at this point. We had planned for the summer, but our landlady said she's coming back to live here in April, so we have to be out in April.
3) H says he "hates" this new job he took in GA which pays about $50k and will be quitting in May. He will stay here and rent a room in this guy's house till he's done with that job.
4) I plan to go to my mom's a couple of states over for two months and then to my dad's for about a year so I can get back on my feet.
5) H has agreed to this and doesn't want to make the divorce or even a the separation legal until we've been apart a significant amount of time. We've agreed to this. He also plans to do some college program to retrain in a different field in the state my dad is in so we will be living in the same area more or less.
6) At the same time, H has also said he's thinking about all these other career options and just doesn't know.
7) I have about $30k in savings and excellent credit.
8) He has the other 30k and okay credit with an old bankruptcy on it.


These are my questions:

1) Where will I stand with custody living with my parents? I mean I'm 34 and I'll be living with my dad! But he wants to help and provide us with some stability while I get my own career going again. How does that look to the courts? I want the main custody and H to have visitation. H has expressed he doesn't want to lose his rights to me.
2) H drinks. As it is, he has agreed to not drink IF I REMIND HIM THE DAY BEFORE if he has to be the sole caretaker of the children ( like if I go to ALanon or take one of the children somewhere and he has the other). But, I don't know how cooperative he'll be when we are separated. I just don't know. He has the "You can't tell me what to do" attitude often in our relations.
3) Do I have to divorce him in CA since that's where we married when it comes down to it? Do I have to file for a legal separation?
4) Could he get joint custody? I would rather have full custody of the kids and he could have visitation. I worry as he is very passive-agressive, controlling, angry, depressed, yells, drinks, etc. I really really worry about my girls. I really worry. I think every other weekend could work out, but not 1/2 and 1/2. He has said that it will be okay if they're with me most of the time but he often says stuff and then changes his mind anyhow. He may change his mind once we're separated and sees how hard it is without the kids and me around. He's pretty controlling and tends to do the "If you don't do ....., then I'm going to..." type of thing.
5) I'm trying to escape my paralysis here with him. I fear him. ANd not physically. It's emotional. I am afraid to file for separation. To see a lawyer. To fight for what's right with the kids. I'm so scared of his anger and his revenge.

Where do I stand here? In the eyes of the law?

ANy advice is appreciated...bashing is not.

Thanks!

1) Where will I stand with custody living with my parents?
[color:"blue"]Having a stable enviroment for the children looks good, even if it means you getting help from parents. Just make sure to keep boundaries and not let the grandparents become the parents. [/color]
2) H drinks. As it is, he has agreed to not drink IF I REMIND HIM THE DAY BEFORE if he has to be the sole caretaker of the children ( like if I go to ALanon or take one of the children somewhere and he has the other). But, I don't know how cooperative he'll be when we are separated. I just don't know. He has the "You can't tell me what to do" attitude often in our relations. [color:"blue"]He is right. He is responsible for his own actions, not you. You may want to try to prepare the children. For example: "If daddy has been drinking, you do not get in the car with him. Give them a cell phone (they have some for young children that can just call a few numbers) to call you when at his place." [/color]
3) Do I have to divorce him in CA since that's where we married when it comes down to it? Do I have to file for a legal separation? [color:"blue"]Every state has different laws. Typically you file in the state and county of current residence. Some require that you be there for 6 months. [/color]
4) Could he get joint custody? [color:"blue"]Probably not if you keep records and document his drinking. Although he could drag it out till you are ready to agree to almost anything. Even if you end up with "joint custody" you will most likely have primary custody. You just have to document everything and stick to what you believe is best for your children. [/color]
5) I'm trying to escape my paralysis here with him. I fear him. ANd not physically. It's emotional. I am afraid to file for separation. To see a lawyer. To fight for what's right with the kids. I'm so scared of his anger and his revenge.
[color:"blue"]And he knows it. As you break free of him he will get worse. However, think of your children. Do you want to teach them that it's ok to live in that fear?

My daughter's school has all the seniors write letters to their parents to give at graduation. The thing that stuck out in her letter to me was that she saw that I never quit, even when I felt like giving up. She is now an amazing young woman. She is one of those rare people that believe that they can do great things, and will.

Maybe a separation will give your husband a wake up call, or maybe you'll have to struggle through a divorce. Through it all, take care of yourself and put your children first. How you face this will mold your children in ways you can never imagine.

In the meantime, keep going to ALanon and try to find a DivorceCare class in your area. Take time to take care of yourself. It sounds like you have a reasonable separation plan but you may want to talk to a lawyer just to see what the laws are in your state (or the state where your father lives). If so, have a list of questions written down and ready to ask.[/color]

You really need to talk to a lawyer. Laws vary dramatically from state to state. Also, this being apart for a year or two may affect your ability to get spousal support. It will also tie up the marital property. Plus, if you move to a different state, you'll have to divorce in that state. Consider this carefully as some states are not common property states. Common property means that it doesn't matter whose name the assets or liabilities are in, they all belong jointly the both spouses.

You need to act even though you are afraid. I was afraid too, but you have to do what's right for the kids. See a lawyer and get the information you need. And since he wants the divorce, I don't see that you need to tell him.

"5) H has agreed to this and doesn't want to make the divorce or even a the separation legal until we've been apart a significant amount of time. We've agreed to this. He also plans to do some college program to retrain in a different field in the state my dad is in so we will be living in the same area more or less."

I would see a lawyer before I agree to this. What you are saying is that there will be no restrictions on him spending money, taking money, running up debt, running off with the kids... The Legal separation (if your state has that) helps define custody arrangements, may define existing debt,etc.

You may be able to get a free consulation with a lawyer to find out if this is a path worth pursuing.

In many states, once you file for divorce you "stop the clock" on joint assets and debt. Any new debt incurred must be done individually, however, each of you could incur debt the other would be liable for if neither has filed. I needed that protection.

I live in CA. If you want to file in CA you have to be a resident for 6 mos and be a resident of the county you live in for 3 mos prior to filing for divorce.

If you want a legal separation, you have to only be a resident for 3 mos prior to filing. But note that if you file for legal separation here, your husband can file a response by stating he wants a divorce instead.

It will take AT LEAST 6 mos and 1 day to get a divorce finalized after you file in CA.

CA is a community property state...so I believe whatever you have acquired during your marriage it will be split 50/50.

First you've gotta decide (if you want a divorce, file for child custody and support) where you will be for a while. Then establish residency and file for whatever you need to file.

http://www.gabar.org/communications/consumer_pamphlet_series/divorce/

I had a long reply typed out and it got eaten! Anyway, the link above covers most of it.