Usually weekends are good. I can't remember the last "bad" weekend we had. I think it is hard for him to stay mad at me when we are face to face-- because dammit we have a lot of fun together, and we are good together. Its easier for him to become really angry with me while we are both at work all day long and he doesn't see me. Not because I do anything differently, but because he then has time to sit around and "think" about these things and get mad. I think that's a common theme I've picked up on from reading BS threads... so I'm thinking that is pretty common thought process.

Tonight is his poker night (I have my night class and then go to the gym usually). If we can make it through the rest of the weekend, I'll consider it a success.

Thinking back and reading some of my old threads... there has been progress. Its just been slow and grueling, so maybe I haven't "recognized" enough that we have made progress. The fights are less intense, less frequent, we are having more fun. And slowly, I think H is accepting responsibility for his part (very slowly).

Just got my call from MB!! I have a meeting with Jennifer at 9 PM on Monday evening <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll definitely let you know what Jennifer has to say!!

TT

TT

That's great news. Your stich is so F#$ed up that you need a pro. LOL

H just sent me a long email, detailing what made him angry about the email from OM. It was nice that he could express himself in this email without attacking me and having everything go downhill and drama-fest-ish.

He then proceeded to tell me that he has lost "that spark" for me and that he felt we were more friends now then we were lovers, and that we had lost what we had before my A.

But-- the good part... he had a whole half the email telling me how proud of my changes he was, and other things he really liked about us and how we were. And ended it with saying how much he loved me.

I am glad he vented in a "healthy" way. I told him that. What disturbs me the most is the whole "you are just a friend" portion of this. I said that you can get back the passioin, we just have to have fun and go find it and I want ot do that and to re-discover things with you. I think he's still really "inside" himself-- and he does still seem emotionally distant, but I guess that is to be expected.

So, he vented-- in a healthy way. It was hard to read his anger and upsetness in the email, but I know that it was good for him to get it out in that way. In a way where things COULDN'T get out of hand, and where we both could carefully craft what we were saying before we pushed "send".

The email in and of itself was great, I thought. He vented his hurt and upset feelings-- in a non-confrontational, non- threatening way. He also acknowledged a lot of good. And said he was sorry for a lot of what he's been putting me through recently, that he understands how much it hurts.

So-- I am cautiously optimistic. We have a busy next few days planned, and weekends are usually good for us.

I am talking with Jennifer on Monday. I haven't told H this yet. I may tell him on Sunday and ask if he'd like to join in. Depends on how the weekend goes. Or I may just use this for myself to make a "plan". Right now I'm just "sitting" on it.

TT

Hi TT,

Well he's full of surprises. IMO you next step is to see if you could get him to buy into the MB principals, but I suggest you talk to Jennifer first.

Hey there lady....what's going on? How did your session with Jeniffer go? How are things at home?

Hey TMTS--

Leave it to you to dig my thread out of the depths <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />--- I appreciate it, I really do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So-- I don't know what the heck happened, some miscommunication? I got a confirmation email, saying Monday, March 3rd, 8pm CST. So, at 9 pm my time (actually like 8:45), I had my phone with me, but SHE NEVER CALLED?! I filled out the LB inventory that was sent with the email, everything. Sigh.

So, I had to re-schedule. They had my appointment in the computer correctly and everything, and I got the email... so I'm not sure where the mix up was (the receptionist lady said she was going to "look into it" but I haven't heard anything...).

So that was SUPER disappointing.

So-- things at home have been better. He's actually been more considerate of me recently. Babysteps. We had actually gone about a week and a half since our last "incident"-- our last one occured last night, after a VERY good night of having fun together he did some backsliding and some AO. He was upset because I expressed to him that I did not like that the only way he ever expressed affection anymore was by joking around-- he pokes at me and prods and me and essentially "annoys" me to show affection. And I was trying to tell him, that while I honestly do like that, sometimes I need "conventional" affection too (this was a sticking point for us pre-A too)... and he got all angry and upset. Its like anytime I try to mention anything about my needs he gets mad. I'm just supposed to suppress them and fulfill his in his mind.... sigh. This was after we had had another SUPER GOOD date night (btw, I have gotten REALLY good at planning fun, creative date nights. I think I should start a service. I had another super good idea last night, that involved friendly competition and a "game" I made up for us).

This morning he thanked me for last night-- said it was fun. As of yet, he hasn't mentioned his AO yet. But he's acctually been apologizing for them and acknowledging them recently, not just "ignoring" them, so that is a step forward.

I still need to talk to Jennifer, because even with the "somewhat better" state things are in, I still can't do this much longer. He needs to step up and start realizing that he can't just worry about himself all the time, and that he needs to step up and do his part-- which he's never really done.

There's still a lot that needs to be addressed and changed-- on both of our parts.

Babysteps.

TT

It's too bad he thinks we're all quacks, because he would have a better appreciation of what you are looking for and why. But your right, baby steps. It sounds like the tantrums are getting farther apart. How's he been with the drinking?
Is he still going on about not knowing if he wants to save the M? You know that at one point, for your own sanity, you'll have to call him on that bluff.
We had a mix up like that with Jennifer, but she called us the night before. Did you know that she is actually in the Philippines? So for her it the morning. Is there any way that you could ask him to give her a chance? Just say that you would really love it if he could just give it a chance.

Yeah, he busted out with a comment about this place again last night, something along the lines of "did you learn that on your stupid fluffy site?"

And yes, he's still going on and on about not knowing what he wants out of the M. At this point it is like the boy that cried wolf. He's been saying that for 6 months. I want to start replying "so what else is new?" when he says that. I mean, I could see saying that if we were 2 weeks in. But, um, its been SIX MONTHS! If you didn't want this marriage, my guess is you would have bailed by now. Now you are just playing that card as a power card.

I did ask him if he wanted to counsel with her with me. But he claimed that he "needed time to think about it" and I didn't give him enough time-- I asked him on the day that she was going to call-- so he didn't want to participate. Hm. Stupid excuse. I didn't ask him beforehand because I really didn't want to hear his comments about it all week long. I guess it didn't matter anyways, because she never called....

He's in one of his "moods" again today. Sigh. I'm just sort of ignoring him. I just don't have the energy to save him and myself anymore. I asked him to come down on his way home and get coffee with me, but he said he "wasn't feeling it". Whatever. When he gets in these moods its like you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.

We haven't had one of these "moods" now though since last Monday (not this week, the week before). Just ticks me off because I planned a great date night, we both have a blast, he even says so, then he pulls this crap.

At least now he's at least apologizing for being an a** once he pulls his head out of his crevice. But at some point in time, he's gonna have to learn some SELF CONTROL and ANGER MANAGEMENT... rather than acting like a 3 year old having a hissy fit... unable to compromise or talk about anything.

Oh, and he's been good with the drinking recently. Hasn't really been drinking that much at all really.

You caught me on a frustrating day, TMTS.

TT

I have a new appointment with Jennifer Sunday evening now.

TT

You know what you should do.... Go out. Anywhere or nowhere, it doesn't matter, just don't be there when he gets in and don't answer the phone. Better yet, go to the coffee shop.

You know, I hate to say it, but I'm starting to think that you could do much better for yourself. If he at least showed you an ounce of respect, then ok. But it seems to be just this childish game to him. I don't know...I guess it all depends on how much you are willing to put up with and that seems like allot. But even you need to establish your limit of your own sanity. Look TT, I hope you're not afraid of being alone. You seem like a sweet caring person, and this experience has taught you allot, so know that you can use it to meet someone that will respect and love you, because I really question if he does.

Sorry... probably not what you wanted to hear right now, but it's been a few more weeks now and there doesn’t seem to be much change in his attitude from months ago. I know… baby steps but it seems like they are few and far between.

You're right. He's at home right now, he got to leave work early today because they didn't have much going on.

See-- THIS is where I struggle. I've thought about doing what you said. Turning off my phone, and doing whatever for ME. Even if it is something dumb like going to Barnes and Nobles and getting a coffee and perusing books (I like to do that) just to waste time.

BUT... then the FWS in me speaks up, and says that isn't a very "FWS" thing to do. That isn't transparency and "caring". That doing that is more like a BS thing to do... a "I can survive without you and my life doesn't revolve around you" kinda thing. And THIS is where I get confused-- because technically I'm BOTH (although H doesn't see it that way... still bothers me... in order for ME to get past this he will HAVE TO take responsibility for his own actions SOMEDAY...). And to act like one or the other depending on how he's treating me and what "benefits" me at the moment just seems wrong too, you know?

So I usually end up trying to pick the high road, and getting screwed in the end and sucked dry. But I can guarantee you if I just "disappeared" for a bit he'd have a heart attack, and a nice big ol' AO.

This is where Jennifer comes in-- this is what I need Jennifer for. To know HOW I SHOULD ACT when he's behaving like this.

I know I deserve better than this, and I'm not afraid to put myself back out there. I am afraid of "staring over" but not in the relationship sense, I guess.

Truthfully, a LOT of the way he behaves now is NOT THAT MUCH DIFFERENT then the selfish ways he behaved before my A. THESE things are what bothered me. The AO's and dragging things out forever. Him doing pretty sh!tty things, and then ignoring them later like they didn't happen. Him ignoring my feelings and discounting them. Him acting like everything else in the universe is more important than me and us. Him not helping at all really around the house, and when he did "help" all he ever did was whine and complain about it forever. I said I felt like a trophy to him 2 years ago, that he didn't really actually "care" about me.

Nothing has changed. Nothing. I am back in the same he*l I was 2-3 years ago. He hasn't learned a thing, he hasn't changed a thing. He did for a bit, or at least acted like he COULD, but he clearly doesn't think that is in order now.

Clearly it wasn't a very "permanent" change, it was a VERY VERY conditional one. And now that he feels that he's been more "wronged" it is OK for him to go back to his old ways.

I just don't know how to get him to see that his "old ways" weren't right, and were leaving us vulnerable-- and that his A's were damaging too. And yes, I'm very vulnerable right now, but I'm not stupid anymore... I am NOT going down that path again. I vent here now.

I need Jennifer for direction on how I should behave with him. When my penance has been paid and I can walk away and say its his turn to deal with his deamons. And I feel like I'm too close to the situation to be able to be objective about it sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like this is normal, and that he may have a lot of faults we need to work through, and he needs to improve (and WANT to improve), for now we have to deal with the A. And I just have to "put up with" this until we deal with that first. But at this point, I feel like efforts for us to move forward are being thwarted by him because he DOESN'T want to move forward because that means he HAS to face the fact that he's not innocent. That he's done a TON of damage here too. And that he's wrong, on a lot of accounts. And that he needs to change and isn't perfect.

But he doesn't want to face that. That is hard for him to face. He has a VERY large ego, and admitting that you were wrong and committing to growth and changing is hard for someone that thinks they are so perfect.

I was thinking of going upstairs for happy hour for a bit at 5 pm (our department has a happy hour every Friday at 5) and just not telling H, just going for a bit. But then again, I get that same nagging guilt. That I am not innocent either. So for me to just act, thinking only of myself, is not right.

I know that is what he is doing, but that doesn't give me an excuse to do that. I'm torn. I am really torn as to how I should respond to these hissy fits of his. JENNIFER!!! HELP!!!~

TT

TT, tell him one of the quacks says hi. Add in that if he doesn't grow up soon he'll end up growing old alone. Then leave, go to Barnes and nobles have your coffee, check out the spiderwick chronicles (I know it's a kids book, but I’m readying it to my YDD right now and it's a great story). Then when he gives you his fit, ignore him and come back here... when he freaks out even more, leave the house. You really need to get this 180 thing down pat. Remember, you don't acknowledge the bad behavior.

I don't acknowledge, no. But-- what I struggle with-- is when he's being like this-- do I just do whatever I want and be totally selfish until he gets over it?

That just doesn't seem right either. I know that is what he's doing. But that doesn't make it alright for me.....

I have a really hard time finding a happy medium where I am not LB on him and being unsupportive... but at the same time protecting myself from his attacks.

Right now he was just whining to me about how he went to lunch wtih a friend today and he's just so upset that "all his friends are moving on in life and are happy in their relationships" (that is what he said, verbatim). I didn't respond. This came about because one of his best friend's wife is now pregnant. I wanted to say to him that he could have all of that too-- and that the reason that Tom is so happy is because BOTH him and his wife are working together. No, maybe they didn't have to deal with this-- but you are partially responsible for the current state of this relationship and for the fact it is going nowhere.

He also said he's disappointed in himself, that he feels like a cold person anymore. I didn't ask why. Sometimes he says things like that to set me up, I feel like. I ask him why, he uses that as a gateway to start unloading on me, and things go downhill. So sometimes I just ignore him. Its a passive-aggressive comment meant to bait me (well at least 75% of the time it is...). I've been ignoring all comments like that today. Or just replying with one worded replies that are totally neutral-- just like "I'm sorry" or "Oh".

Truthfully, I am excited about applying everything I've learned here to a future relationship... be it with my H, or with someone else. I've learned a lifetime's worth of lessons here... and thankfully I'm still young enough that I DO have time to get it right a second time. I really hope I get that chance with H. But he's being very immature right now. I just don't want to stoop to his level.

If/when I do walk away from this, I want to do it with my head held high KNOWING that I did everything I could, and that I put our marriage first, and was the "bigger person". I don't want to stoop to his level. Because then I'll always have the "what if's" to deal with.

This way, there's no "what if's". But I also need to put up some better and stronger boundaries and figure out what is "acceptable" in him dealing with his feelings and what isn't-- JENNIFER!

But trust me TMTS-- I'd love to do that right about now. He's so draining to deal with when he's like this.

TT

I kinda took your advice TMTS... haha!

I decided that I WOULD go to to happy hour, even though I KNEW it would upset H. I intended to go for 15 minutes. Ended up staying for 45. Oops.

I didn't tell him I was going, just went. Just got back. He's mad. Oops. Oh well.

Going home now. He's a little upset with me right now. But I am just sort of losing it-- I really am. I feel much like I did 3 years ago-- just not dumb enough to fall into an EA with another man to satisfy what is missing...

I'll just take care of ME. I had fun at happy hour. Gonna go home. I'll let you know how this goes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Taking care of ME... 'cause right now, no one else really cares to, so I kinda gotta....

TT

TT,

You might try looking up an old thread on communication that I started.

There are some rules for the times when your husband wants to talk, that you should follow. He doesn't necessarily need to be "on board" for the rules to be fairly effective for you.

For example, when he starts in with his statements about being disappointed, you could say:

I have heard you say this before, so it sounds very important to you. How about we have a real discussion about this topic. Only, I would like to stick to this one topic this time - your disappointment - because it seems like when we have talked in the past we drift off of it, and I think it is very much worth exploring. Since you seem to bring it up frequently, it tells me you really have something to say to me about it, and I must not have given you the time, or must not have really heard your message.

Let's schedule a time, say 20 or 30 minutes, to address that one topic - your disappointment. Do you want to talk now, or would you like to make a time to do it after you have had some time to really think about what it is you want to say?

I really do want to hear you, and I think that I need to listen more completely to your message.


This reaction will likely take him COMPLETELY OFF GUARD. It is not what he expects from you - which is the chance for him to say whatever he wants on the topic of disappointment. But you have now limited it to that topic, and given him a time frame. The "rules" you want to stick to.

20 minutes or so
stick to one topic

Then, you go into this discussion armed with the rules of communication that I offer on the other thread.

He will not know what happened. Because for the very first time since the affair, your conversation will be extremely fruitful, loving, and will take on a flavor of intimacy and safety.

I encourage you to try it.

I will bump the thread for you.

SB

Thanks schoolbus. I will give it a try.

Tonight I got sucked in again. He made a comment that was a trigger for me-- and I reacted.

I was supposed to get a version of windows XP for a new home computer we got from work. Well, today he tells me that he asked a (female) co-worker to get it for him. I asked why that was (it was only yesterday he asked me to get it!), and he said because he didn't "trust" me to get it. I said, what you depend and trust her more? And he answered "yes". Well that was just a HUGE trigger for me, seeing as his past EAs with work people.

I lost it. I admit I AOed and mixed in some DJ. I shouldn't have. I had been SO GOOD with that recently. So good. I had been so proud of myself. And I just lost it tonight. I couldn't take that comment. It just hurt me so much, just twisted that knife that was already there... and I reacted.

He then proceeded to tell me how he didn't care if I divorced him, blah blah blah.

Then... here's the immature part. So, he goes downstairs to leave, but my car is blocking his in. I don't trust him to leave, so I don't move my car. So what does he do?? He sits in the garage (I went upstairs while he had his hissy fit downstairs) and turns on his car, then starts sending me melodramatic texts about how he wants to die, and doesn't care if he dies. And starts revving the engine. WTF??

I ignored him. After about 20 minutes (he opened the garage door after a bit) he came back upstairs. Although he still wouldn't talk.

At this point, he says over and over he doesn't believe in "all this crap" and essentially he thinks the way he behaves is normal and that this is just what everyone does, and the principles here are just a bunch of fluffy crap. So-- while I may abide by "rules" I can almost guarantee he wouldn't. His communication skills really suck, when it comes to things that aren't pleasant. And I've never really felt that I am able to share my feelings with him unless it is telling him how great he is (ie, I can't tell him anything that bothers me or that I am unhappy with or don't like... he just gets angry at me for saying those things and then THIS is what happens. So I just bottle it up because it is easier than dealing with this).

I then proceeded to do my usual beg and plead routine-- and he did his usual F U routine. He literally refuses to acknowledge me or my feelings at all. He literally curls in a ball in the corner and refuses to talk or even listen to me. He will plug his own ears so he doesn't have to listen to me. Its all so hurtful and destructive. And this is the stuff he did pre-A too... so I'm sorry, but he really can't blame it on the A. These problems were there way beforehand...


I realize I have to change too, and that I keep getting sucked into this cycle too. I had been doing better... tonight was a major slip up for me. Him saying that "he trusted her and could depend on her more than me" just really cut me to the core. And he had to have known that it would. That is why he said it. He said it to make me jealous-- and get a reaction, and it worked.

Every time I think we are doing somewhat better... EVERY STINKING TIME.

I realize it I am getting close to plan B time... or leaving time, whatever. I am getting to the point where I have little to nothing left in my LB. Where I have little respect or even love left for H and the person he's become. Where I feel like I am losing control of myself again-- like I did tonight. I am not proud of tonight, and me losing my temper and yelling and throwing some DJs in there.


He's now upstairs, sleeping. I'm down here, a wreck.

I can't do this anymore. He's just outright cruel. CRUEL.

I have an appointment on Sunday with Jennifer.

Anyone out there?

I don't know if I can wait until Sunday. I think this may have been the straw that broke TT's back...

TT

"Then...here's the immature part."

Are you kidding? You do realize that you've got 8 pages worth of his immaturity here...right? Nothing has changed!

Sounds like last night was a missed opportunity. With him in that car, in the garage, and sending those text messages, was a perfect time to call the Police to let them know your H is a threat to himself. Let them take him to the Psych Unit, let THEM deal with him for a while! Change locks, get things in order, Plan B, voila!

ETA: You've been talking about, but avoiding, Plan B for a while now. You've got your "reasons" but I'm not quite sure why you're really avoiding it. Anyway, Plan B is meant to protect the love you still have, get YOU better, and avoid hating your H. I fear for you that by the time you DO go into Plan B, you'll already hate him. Aren't you pretty close?

Tea,

YOU control YOU in this relationship.

I will guarantee that if you change the way YOU act

he has no choice but to change what he does.

There is NO choice for him if YOU change the communicative dynamic?

WHY?

Because otherwise his responses make NO SENSE.

And he will realize that in a very quick hurry.

Imagine last night, after he came back up from the garage, if you had NOT begged and pleaded, and your communciations been completely absent of AOs or DJs.

What would have been the result of his Plan FU?

Quite different. His Plan FU would have made absolutely no sense whatsoever. He would have been yelling at someone who had done nothing to him.

And if you had reacted to Plan FU with NO outbursts, and just stood there..........looking at him..........and when he was done responded with:

"I know how hard and painful this is for you. I'm hoping that somehow we will work through all of this. Sometime, when you aren't so very angry with me, I would like to talk about what triggered this. I'm thinking we should take the time to really lovingly talk about it - because I think that might help us get our marriage back on track. I know you can't get there now, but how about tomorrow, after we both have had some rest?"


What would he have done?

If you just kept on that track instead?

Repeating your love, your desire to hear his pain, to talk about his needs and desire to tell you about it?


Instead of the usual circle - try stepping out of it, Tea.

Because HE DOES NOT NEED TO BE ON BOARD FOR YOU TO CHANGE THE DYNAMIC.

You change YOURSELF. He will follow, or he will get out of the way.

I promise.

SB

Hi Schoolbus--

You are right-- I need to change my ways. I know it isn't an excuse, but "saving" the melodramatic person is a theme that has been engrained in me since I was little. My mom is a VERY dramatic woman that was CONSTANTLY fighting with my dad... she'd drag my brother and I into their arguments (and give us all the details... and expect us to be "mad" at my father with her), even when we were very little. She'd throw fits, cry and scream, and it would be my "job" to calm down my mom and give her a hug and tell her it'd be OK... since I was about 5 or 6 I can remember this. In fact, I can remember one night, before my brother was born (so I had to be under 4 years old) she took me and put me in the car, and was screaming at my dad in the driveway (all the while, I'm watching from the car), and then she left with me and took me to my aunt's house for a few days.

Anyways, the point is, I have a "pattern" of being a rescuer. To this day, my mom STILL calls me when she feels she's been "wronged" and "expects" me to be mad at my dad too. They have their own sets of problems... its both of their faults, but it really it doesn't involve me. I swore to myself I would NEVER EVER involve my children in my marital problems, nor would I scream and be dramatic in front of them. It is very stressful, and it is still stressful.

Anyways, I am recapitulating this pattern in my marriage with my dramatic H. Need to break it. I've taken steps to breaking it with my mom... need to with H now. Need to stop rescuing him... it just makes him MORE dramatic.

Anyways, I talked with Jennifer last night. She gave me some specific phrases and to say when he gets all worked up, and gave me some ideas (much like what schoolbus is suggesting) for "stepping out of the circle".

She also said that in my case, plan B at this point would be warranted, but she encouraged me to continue with my plan A (and helped me refine it) for a few more weeks before I go to plan B.

I have a renewed strength for my plan today, and going forward. I have another appointment with Jennifer to update her in 2 weeks again.

Oh, and as for the rest of the weekend, he woke up on Saturday and was all back to normal. I just went with it. The rest of the weekend was just fine, although he hasn't mentioned the incidents yet at all.

TT

Not sure if anyone even reads here anymore...

But here it goes. This is just as much for me to get my feelings down as it is to get advice...

I am having a bad day/night last night. H didn't do anything this time. We had a normal night last night. I am just so depressed and reaching the end of my rope. And parts of me just WANT to lash out at him. I don't know how much longer I can control myself from not lashing out at him. The pain is so intense anymore. I already somewhat lost it last Friday night and had an AO. That was my first AO in a very, very long time. I never understood when people said you had to get out and leave when you couldn't control your LB anymore. I didn't get that. How you could NOT control your LB. Now I get it.

The smallest little things irritate the ****** out of me anymore-- enough where I just want to strangle him. Like this morning, he stays in bed all morning while I take care of everything, and then I go to leave and find out he didn't make any coffee (the ONE F'ING THING he's supposed to do in the morning.... I take care of EVERYTHING else while he does nothing but worry about himself-- I make his lunch, I take care of the dog, I turn up the furnace, I make the bed... etc etc). I was so irritated-- I almost threw the coffee maker. All I could think was that I do f'ing EVERYTHING around the damn house anymore... he has just been complacent in letting me take EVERYTHING over... and he doesn't care. And the ONE F'ING THING he is supposed to do-- I can't count on him for. Oh, and this isn't the first time he "forgot". I bet he actually makes coffee about once a week now, if I'm lucky. That has suddenly become my job too.

He promised me this weekend he'd wax the floors downstairs (we have hardwood). Do you think he did that? Nooooo. I didn't mention it again. Because if I say ask or remind him (even in a non-LB way) it suddenly turns into I was nagging him (or he gets an attitude and tells me he was just going to do it in five minutes-- which I find ironic, anytime I ever ask him anything, he was just going to do it in five minutes). I just don't bother anymore.

He's so selfish and inconsiderate anymore. I don't even know what happened to the man I married, to the man I used to know. He's so self-absorbed anymore... so self-entitled. He always had a selfish, self-entitled streak to him-- but its like now I just gave him a good excuse to let that side of him run rampant anymore.

He didn't really "do" anything. Last night, after we got in bed, I was just so drained, and I started to cry. Not about anything in particular, just about how low I am anymore. This is how desperate and how worthless I felt-- when I tried to tell him over and over again how miserable I was-- before the A started. Some people don't tell their spouses how miserable they are. I DID. I told him-- I yelled it at him-- I cried to him... nothing I did mattered. Until he realized it was too late. Then all the sudden he had an awakening.

Last night in bed I just lost it, I started crying. He held me, asked me what was wrong. I said I didn't want to talk about it. And I didn't. He has a way of making things worse rather than better-- he just gets angry when I get upset, and then makes excuses and has an AO. That just makes me feel WORSE. He tried to get me to tell him. I wanted to. But something inside held me back. And I couldn't. I just laid there and cried.

Then he asked me "if something had happened" (meaning, did I cheat on him again or something). I said no. He just said "ok" but didn't sound like he believed me.

I can't take much more of this "punishment" from him. Plan B is immenient. He needs to grow up, take some responsibility for himself.

Tonight he is having the guys to OUR place to play cards and video games. Great. I have plans but I'll be home around 9. I have a feeling he'll make a disaster of the house (he invited over WAY too many people-- I don't know why he felt the need to invite so many people), not clean it up, and they'll all stay way too late (because he's on this kick where he doesn't get out of bed anymore until 10 am, even though he just recently got in trouble for not going into work in a timely manner-- he got mad at his boss for criticizing him for that and then justified it, and continues to do it. He's gonna get fired. Oh well-- his loss. He seems to think he knows better than his boss and that he's just so valued that they'd never fire him.)

Anyways, I'm sure they'll be up to some ungodly hour, and I'll be mad because I actually have to get to work at a reasonable hour, unlike him.

Just needed to vent. I am having a rough day,and really having trouble controlling myself today.

He's supposed to plan a "date night" for us for Friday. We'll see how that goes. He never apologized for ruining the stellar date night I planned for last week. (I came up with the world's best "game" to play-- he had a blast, and it took us almost 5 hours to do too.... I can share for anyone interested in a fun, active date night that has a little built in competition and rewards...)

just having a rough day. I know I'm supposed to stick with this plan A thing, but I am very frustrated-- and this morning I yelled at my dog for doing something stupid she knows she's not allowed to do-- but I flipped on her... to the point where she was cowering in the kitchen. Then I felt like an idiot. All this rage I have built up inside... all this stuffing my emotions down... and I'm taking it out on the one being that loves me unconditionally-- for real-- over something stupid.

I just can't do this anymore. And I found a place to go-- although I don't know if I really "want" to go there-- or if it is a good idea. H's cousin's (who he's close with) fiancee (she doesn't live with H's cousin) offered for me to stay with her for a few weeks. I opened up to her this past weekend about everything that had been going on-- and she was appalled, she had no idea what was going on or that he could be like that. She offered for me to stay with her anytime. But-- this is H's cousin's fiancee... and H and his cousin are pretty close (we hang out with the 2 of them all the time).

But it also goes to show how good he is at putting on his "caring, loving husband" show. Even she didn't know. And we probably see them the most.

Rough day-- and I don't really know why.

TT