Generally speaking, men have a biological drive to be a provider. When they are not, it can be a source of emasculation. This is why men are far more likely to commit suicide if they lose their job.

And generally speaking, women have a biological drive to be provided for. I know some very successful women who would prefer that they never work another day of their life and be supported by their husband/boyfriend.

So the scenario of a husband making more money than his wife is rarely considered a marital problem. But when a wife makes more than her husband, he can have a lower sense of self-worth and she can feel like she's being taken for granted.

I supported my wife's career at the expense of my own, thinking she would appreciate that support. Once she started making substantially more money than I did, she felt entitled (although maybe she just always felt entitled) and lost respect for me. I was no longer good enough for her. She became attracted to someone who had a career like hers.

She admitted after her A that when I was out of work for two months she had a very hard time with it, even though we were still doing just fine financially during that time. I consider that to be extremely unfair, as how acceptable would it be for a man to have an A because his wife was out of work for a couple of months? Yet that's life and it's unfair.

I don't bring in any income because I am a SAHM but I do understand my husband's commitments to work and I do know he is dead tired both emotionally and physically when he gets home. Your EX's additude is just that, her's and it doesn't have to do with her not knowing what you go through it is she just didn't care enough to empathize.

As for the picking up the check, that made me laugh! When my DH and I went on our first date we went to a range to hit a bucket of balls and he automaticly paid. Then we went to a restaurant and I took the bill and paid it before he had a chance. That really impressed him. I didn't think anything of it because in my view we both work why should he have to pay for everything. Later he told me the past couple of GFs never even offered to pay. One of them he dated for a year and she never picked up the tab.

I had him at hello but picking up the check helped seal the deal <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I agree with you that it was unfair. You believed you were working as a team all along and she didn't. My DH was out of work for a year (worked a few contract jobs and we had savings) and I never for a second thought anything bad about him. It was quite the opposite (as you stated) he went into a depression and I did every thing in my power to comfort and support him. I could not imagine feeling resentment towards him for something that happened that was not his choice.

If one reads the book, "Private Lies" by Dr Frank Pittman, who is a psychologist who spent his life working with affairs in marriage, one observation he makes about selecting a spouse is that the more similar the spouse, the more likely you are to stay together.

Now some people will argue theory and exception, those being more Judgemental types. however, reality of success is more important than theory or otherwise. . .

At times, i had felt the same way as Brit, as i was working in the same level, however, after my career imploded with the technology bubble, I would rather have a spouse with whom I can get away and have fun with, than bring work home to. . .

my GF will listen, but then only for about a bit, then she start to drag me off to play time. . .

so i understand Brit, and i understand everyone is different, and some people make better spouses than others. . . finding someone similar in beliefs, values and temperment should make the relationship easier. . .

wiftty

Just a quick thought on the ENs of Financial Support and Physical Attractiveness...

I understand the MB concepts and that these are legitimate ENs. That being said, I think (almost) every human being wants to be loved, regardless of how good they look or how much money they make. It is a bit scary, and sad, to feel that your H or W could lose their love for you based on an EN that is "external" (looks, money) and that you may not have full control over maintaining. For example, you may lose your job through no fault of your own. Also, although you can try to look your best, you cannot stop the aging process.

In contrast, unless a person has suffered a tragic accident or illness that restricts functioning, he/she can always choose to meet ENs like conversation and affection and admiration.

So...even though I understand that FS and PA are legitimate ENs, to me it triggers a feeling that the person doesn't really love "me" or else they wouldn't care if I was suddenly ugly or jobless. It also triggers fear that you could lose that love through no fault of your own just because you are aging or the economy goes down the drain.

Wish I could express my thoughts on this issue a little better.

NTS,

All human love is conditional. There are no guarantees. It is sad and a bit scary to realize that anyone at anytime can stop loving us for any reason. I think the point is to focus on the things we CAN control and not worry about the rest. While we can't control being disfigured in an accident, we can control gaining 50 pounds and letting ourselves turn into a blob. The odds of gaining weight are significantly greater than being disfigured.

I find the FS need difficult to comprehend because most of us, both men and women CAN meet our own need for FS. It's not like we're living in 1950 anymore! I think it would be better to consider it a "want" more than a need but that's JMO.

She does doesn't she. I wouldn't be envious. If she were 'all that' I would think she would beable to meet and interest men with whom she has contact in her comings and goings on a daily basis. It is easy to conceal the 'real you' interacting by means of keyboard and monitor. And ,too, you can enhance the 'relationship' with fantasy.
She and sugerdaddy have yet to get to the nitty gritty of it all. That's where the rubber meets the road.---Brit's Brat; the name alone is like a sign to me reading. "Danger-icy pavement ahead".

I agree completely. Although the ENs and LB concepts make a lot of sense to me, it does leave me a bit disillusioned that no one will ever really love me for 'who I am.' I've never really focused much effort on FS and PA, instead choosing to provide emotional care and support, as those are things not dependent on unreliable external factors. Now I know I'll need to improve myself in those areas if I ever want to have a successful love relationship.

You don't think much of yourself, do you?

When talking about this I always find it interesting on how it always the guys problem. It is the men that have the problem dealing with the fact that the wife makes more money. It is never the poor woman who has a problem with it.

Horsepucky.

I use to have 2 friends where their wives made more money. I would imagine if I listened to their wives tell it the husbands were insecure and it made them feel like less of a man because they made less money. Of course it couldn't have anything to do with the fact that at every get together both of their wives were always throwing digs in on how they made more money. My wife (XW now) noticed this and also told me she felt really bad for those guys.

I never see in any columns or anything else on the subject that talks about women treating the guy bad but I guess it just never happens.

One of the first things women want to know is what you do for a living. Guys don't want to know that about women but women want to know that about guys.

If a guy is jobless and has no money he can be the greatest guy in the world and it will not matter. If a female is jobless and has no money and is the sweetest women ever and hot then guys will flock to her.

Women want the money they make and their husbands money. Women want to marry up. JMHO.

I find that sentiment interesting. I provided the insurance while my husband finished college because my employer provided it and I was a college graduate. 3 years after we married, my husband, who had gone to school part-time while working full time those 3 years, finally graduated.

I taught him his social graces. He ditched a symphony going woman, an arts woman, a professional woman, to try to have a go at a relationship with a co-worker.

I came from a home w/ a white collar mother and a blue collar father. He came from a home w/ a white collar father and a SAHM mom.

I definitely married down. He definitely married up - not necessarily financially but socially. The woman he ended up marrying is a high school graduate, bookkeeper for a caterer, non-stylish, woman who is a classy as me....OK, I know you think I'm bragging.....

But, I will NEVER intentionally marry down again. There are statistics that men who do marry above themselves are less successful in their marriages. Guess what my x did when he married me?

Been there, done that.

First, the majority of the men with whom I work are married. I do not date married men. Secondly, with regard to the very few who are not married, for me, I prefer not to date someone with whom I work as I have learned (and was painfully reminded last year) the hard way why that is not a good idea - not just because of the dynamics of dating someone with whom you work (especially with many of those men being very close to retirement - I am 47, full retirement in my company is 55) but also because in my company, once you reach a certain level, you are subject to relocation all the time (for example, I already know that my next position in our company's succession planning will put me in London).

With regard to not having met any of the men from sugardaddie, since my original post on this thread, I have met and gone out with several and they are kind, attentive gentlemen with whom I have much in common. None have asked for, nor expected sex (unlike what was implied in the post that started this thread), we just enjoy each other's company, are able to talk for hours on end (communication is my top EN) and share common interests (RC is another).

Finally, to clariy my user name - Brit's Brat - was selected because my XH is British and, as a kid, my much older brother and sister affectionately called me "The Brat."